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 willthethrill88
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 6
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Should I out a friend that cheats?Page 4 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Tell your boy that you won't lie for him or try to cover for him, but don't get involved in their business.

If he's a good friend to you, one that you can depend on, and things like that, he's got to man up and end it. It's gone too far for her not to be heartbroken, from the sound of it. You might wanna talk to him about it.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 10
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:45:50 AM
If it is an STD question, she probably already has it.
You said SHE is talking marriage, what about him?

For a real splash, you could always go to the wedding and object!
Make sure the guy taking the video gets your good side.

Seriously, I would tell her. Get some photos or girls he has cheated with to back you up. Remember, he will no longer be your friend. Better off, right?
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 11
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:48:56 AM
Regarding message 30.....I agree......this is something that builds character, losing a friend for doing what is right.....it really is the only way to be....living with a standard of integrity.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
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If she should catch an STD...
Posted: 2/9/2009 7:12:47 AM

You've tolerated his behaviour for 10 years. Now that you dig his gf, you've grown a conscience.


Its pretty clear what your motivations are in this case OP, and you should have a good long look in the mirror to sort that out. You were a knowing accomplice to this nonsense for a long time, and never felt compelled to say a word. You can try to rationalize it with excuses any way you want (saying you want to protect her from an STD, etc), but plain and simple its just not your place to say anything to this girl. It is your place as a "friend" to this guy to talk to him about his cheating on the lady in his life. After that its time to reexamine why you are friends with a snake like this in the first place.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 13
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 7:23:18 AM

He does this all the time and in the past I didn't like most of his GF's, so I would hide his secret. However, his current GF seems like she has no idea. They have been dating on a year and she is talking marriage and that he's "the one". I feel like I should say something, not only because I feel really bad for her, but also because my friend engages in some "risky" behaviour (sex with no condom, cheats with multiple women he meets in clubs and bars).

So if you didn't like a woman your friend was dating it was OK to keep your mouth shut,apparently if you don't like someone they aren't worthy of your concerns about "risky" behavior? But this girl you like ,so your friend's "risky" behavior now becomes a big concern?? I'm sorry, I smell an underlying motive here.
It's always been my position that we are not our friends morality police,and we BUTT OUT of their personal business(saving situations of abuse/criminal behavior).
You can of course say to your friend that you think his behavior is unsconscionable,which will open a dialogue in which you can express your concerns about STDs. Your friend may well wonder why you never worried about this before,and maybe suspect that you've got a little agenda of your own.
OP, there is no "written in stone" right answer here. You need to examine your own motives, (and of course you have a clearer picture of just how heartless and risky your friend's behavior is) and do what you think best.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 14
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 7:23:26 AM

...it will be because she made the decision to have unprotected sex with him, not because he is a cheat.

He could be a virtual virgin who caught an STD from his ex-wife, and SHE (his ex wife) could have caught it unknowingly from someone in HER past (the percentage of people who have herpes and do not know it unbelievably large...90% of person with herpes do not know it).

One of the signs of maturity is understanding that you can't hold other people responsible for the consequences of the decisions YOU make. HIS actions (regarding STD transmission) would be irrelevant if SHE is doing the right thing.

Well, if we were to take this out to it's logical end, then what if everyone who'd ever had sex declared celibacy, which would be the height of taking responsibility for potential consequences( condoms are not a foolproof safeguard against all STDs). I agree with the poster who mentioned that this degree of hypervigilance takes trust out of the picture, and it's pretty hard to have a healthy relationship without trust.
Cindy O
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 15
I have been...
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:54:26 AM
Me? I wouldn't be friends with a dishonorbale person such as your "good bud". It is a poor reflection on you that you even continue a friendship with him. Good luck bagging his girlfriend.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 16
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:59:05 AM
Sidewinder said it perfectly. Talk to your friend first. You and him have long history. If you just "out" him, you may end up being accused of wanting his girlfriend so you could lose a friend, generate accusations that may or may not be true, whatever. I personally would talk to your friend and tell him to stop his behavior.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 18
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:08:43 PM
You don't have to out him. You tell him that there's a huge difference between a good friend going out on spring break and you find out he cheated on his girl (a "mistake"), and he feels bad about it, etc. etc. And then there's the situation that you describe, in which no gray area exists. She's innocent and thinking he's the one, while you're knowingly friends with her, and he's porking chicks left and right behind her back.

Tell him he needs to confront her. Tell him that if he just made "a mistake", realized it, etc. that'd be one thing and you wouldn't be doing this. But tell him she's going to find out sooner or later, this is a totally different situation, and that he needs to call the relationship off -stat-. Tell him that you're not going to in tervene or whatever if he does go down that route, but if you even believe that he's not, you're not going to lie for him or hide information whatsoever.

Essentially, you wedge him in a situation where he has to at LEAST call off the relationship with her.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 19
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:34:17 PM
I'll save the nice girl from my friend --no question. Good things NEED to happen to good people. How you go about it? well... that's for you to decide. You know your situation best. There's ways of going about it that won't make it seem like you stole his girl. If you do it right... ahem... she may end up happily married with the right guy... maybe you?
Oddly enough, like you, if the girl in question was a slut anyway, I wouldn't care.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 20
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:39:12 PM
hudvalley,

It is about supporting a friend..Friends make mistakes..

I agree that when friends make mistakes, you support them, and let them realize they have, etc. If his friend made a mistake, I'm all with you on that. But this scenario -- his friend didn't make a mistake, or make mistakes. He's repeatedly shagging vixen after vixen, thinking it's all good, and constantly screwing a girl over in the worst way. Big difference. Mistakes are accidents or a slip up. That is not.

I'm all for bros before hos, but if a buddy of mine was repeatedly stealing girls' purses -- after a repeat time, sorry, I'd tell him to return them in his own way, but if he didn't, and I even THOUGHT he was still doin that sh!t, I'd do something about it.

If you have your buddy befriend your girl, you KNOW that if you're going to continually screw her over, your friend's going to get in your face and force you to do something about it or he won't keep quiet. That's another way a friend is going to help ya out.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 21
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:45:45 PM
You should see this situation as doing him... and her... and YOU, a favor...
If you do this right, he can continue on his happy lifestyle still be your bud...
without hurting her more...
and maybe you'll be off this site for good!

But doing NOTHING, is not an option. Don't listen to the asses on here that say loyalty to your bud is primo and non-negotiable.
One day, when she discovers your friend's cheating, it'll be double barrel to the chest because the first bullet his his lying, but the second shot is YOU for conniving for so long.

Everyone can benefit if you do it right.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 25
Just some general thoughts on this....
Posted: 2/10/2009 9:49:09 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I'm not sure what that rant is all about, it seems to hit pretty close to home for you.
=================
"I don't associate myself with people who would do something like this."
Well isn't that special. What about people who cheat on their income taxes? Smoke 420? Speed? Believe in corporal punishment?

The point is, that line can be drawn anywhere. And while you get to draw it where you feel comfortable and appropriate,
===================
That is exactly what was done--and here YOU are railing against them because they DID draw a line? I'm confused by the vitriol.



Some of you people need to get over yourselves....

Take your own advice.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 26
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 10:50:58 AM
For the most part, my position on telling a friend or acquaintance that their SO is cheating, is BUTT OUT.
In this situation I would certainly say that the OP could give his friend the benefit of an unvarnished opinion regarding his behavior, and make it clear that he won't be an "alibi" or lie if the gf asks direct questions. But I don't see a whole lot of wisdom in carrying tales to the girlfriend. It would be all too easy for the cheater to cast doubt on the veracity of the tale.
And yes, I do suspect the OP's motive here. His position on cheating seems to be rather situational. As others have pointed out, this could very easily be explained away by the OPs friend...you think he ain't gonna wonder why the OP never seemed to have a problem with his previous episodes of cheating,but now all of a sudden the OP's shorts are all on fire to rat him out?
So my suggestion is that the OP should lecture his buddy, and NOT be an alibi,or lie to the gf if she asks questions. But to "out" the friend to the gf,it would be too easy to explain away.
Cindy O
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 27
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 12:33:12 PM
Rock Man,

Years back I told a good friend his woman was cheating with more then 5 guys at once.
I was doing what friends do. I had his back. We ended the friendship knuckling up over it. He felt I was just trying to get her away from him.

Then he was a disloyal, untrusting friend. You didn't screw up. If you didn't tell him, he could have (and had the right to) been pissed at you and want to knuckle up over that. He didn't trust you in you telling him -- he wasn't the loyal one. He put his girl miles and miles over you to him -- not the other way around. Just the thought of her cheating enraged him and you were disposable. His true colors shined through.

In the OP's case, he knowingly befriended his buddy's girl. Happens all the time with good friends' girlfriends. In doing so, things change. His buddy not making "a mistake", but gladly porking vixen after vixen, isn't good to him. He's putting his friend in position to -continaully- lie to his girl about something detrimental and -ongoing-, that is totally wrong.

If the OP hadn't befriended the girl and never talked with her, he'd feel less pressure, because for all he'd know, she was doing the same, and in that case, he shouldn't get involved. But if he's brought into the situation of knowing them both, and he can know it's not a gray area by any stretch -- and she's PRESENTLY getting f'd over -- sorry, ya gotta do something! Not rat him out, but wedge the buddy in a situation to tell her or break up with her, because otherwise, he's f'ing you over too.
 MOTORCYCLEMAN4U
Joined: 2/12/2008
Msg: 28
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 12:41:30 PM
You would want someone to tell you? Yes rat him out he is a real tard I am sick of men like this giving their gender a bad name.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 29
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 4:35:38 PM
No....I don't believe in sticking one's nose in other's relationships. If you tell the lady that her SO is cheating, she probably won't believe you. Cheater will hate you for telling. Just let them figure it out on their own - stay out of it - don't get involved in their drama/chaos. You're not in the bedroom - don't worry about it - none of your business.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 30
I did...
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:03:03 PM
mylifeasme,

a) The guy is already cheating...rating him out isn't going to change that.

Well, it very well could stop the cheating, with that girl anyway. I don't think he needs to rat him out at all... but the cheating guy's putting the OP in an unfair spot. Not ratting, but OP confronting him about the f'd up situation and telling him that he has to tell her or leave her, because he's caught in the middle is what he needs to do. If the friend just cheated once or had true mistakes, that' d be one thing. Continuation and "hey, it's all good" is not cool to the OP.

That the girl was going to feel awful when she found out her BF was cheating no matter WHEN or HOW she found it.

Again, not saying he should rat him out, but he needs to put a stop to it (it's an ongoing thing, and he's caught in the middle, that's why). But I do have to say I disagree -- the girl will feel worse if she found out, say, 4 months later and she finds out on her own that OP was lying the whole time when she knew something was up. Pain will be close the same in the short term, but in the long term, it does differ.

If someone finds out sooner than later, that's better for them over the long haul... and confronting his friend about it and wedging him to end it on his own would be the best.

If the continually-cheating buddy ignored the confrontation about it, how the OP deals with it depends on the level of friendship with the girlfriend. In general, if push came to shove, I'd just distance myself from her.. and if she asked if he was cheating on her or if he lost interest, I'd tell her to ask him that. A friend putting you in that position is disloyal, in my book.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 31
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 8:32:01 PM
drive her to exactely where he is "when he will be in the act" and let her see with her own two eyes who her boyfriend is and what his recreational activities are. do not tell her what you are doing. just arrive to where he is with her. First pick her up and tell her that she is a friend of yours and she has to trust you and go out with you at this time, then take her to her sleezebucket and enlighten her. She needs to know.

Give her the respect and opportunity to run from this man. What are you doing hanging out with this d i k? You are too good for people like that.
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 32
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/10/2009 9:52:29 PM
You have a very good chance to decide what kind of man you are with this situation. You can either decide that you're okay with having liars and cheats around you or not. It's your decision and will speak volumes about who you are and what you believe in. As for me, it wouldn't take minutes to bust him out. It would be done in a NY second.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 35
I am not sure....
Posted: 2/11/2009 7:04:49 PM
mylifeasme,

if he is making the OP an accessory to his deeds, is wrong for doing so, and the OP should call him on his chit. Been there, done that.

That's what the situation is. He knows the OP's a friend to his gf, like a lot of close buddies are, and they chit-chat here and there. If you know your friend has gotten to know your girl, and you brag to your friend about porking other chicks and keep on doing it... You're putting your friend in a bad spot. That's exactly what's going on.

How many times have people did exactly what is being prescribed here...only to learn nothing will change except them become a pariah? The cheater keeps cheating...the cheatee stays in denial.

I've told my friend his girl of 5 years was cheating. He was the type who "didn't want to know" if she cheated on him in the past. Well, she had another boyfriend and he was going to surprise visit her. Had to tell him. He broke up with her... it was tough as hell, she was in denial for cheating, and he moved on. But you are right -- many times, people still "work things out" which is dumb.

But it's all off subject anyway. In this case, a guy's screwing her over. If he kept stealing money from her, it's good that she knows it by putting your friend in position to confess/deal with it. If she decides to stay with him, that's her screwball fault, because yeah, he'll probably steal money from her again. But just because someone's a victim, doesn't mean they're at fault and just going to put up with it. lol


The ADULT thing to do is to just live with your guilt, since it is self imposed, and allow everyone else to have their lives NOT disrupted.

If the BF could do that, sure. He's not. He's going to keep cheating, as he's demonstrated a track record with the girl specifically, not making a single mistake. She's going to find out AT SOME POINT, but hopefully before a ring's bought.

Bottom line: You're dating a girl. She works a lot. She is like, the one. Awesome. Goes on for many many months... you talk with her friend from time to time and mutually hang out with her, too. A year goes by, you buy a ring. You get married. A year of marriage goes by. You find her in bed with a guy. Then you find out, that her friend knew the WHOLE time, right after you guys were first dating for a couple months, that she was getting porked by every guy after work she could find, and has been since, but just kept a straight face to you and never had a problem with it with your GF/Wife. Oh, and that kid your wife's pregnant with? MIGHT not be yours, either...

Would you say to her friend, "Thanks for not telling me or putting a stop to anything. I would have been unhappy either way. You're a great friend to me, too." ... or ... would you more likely say "You could have put a stop to this prevented me from living a sham relationship. All those days of being with her are unhappy now, since I found out. Didn't you know at some point I would??"
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 40
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:57:57 PM
tuesdaye,

I certainly did not appreciate it when some meddling enemy posing as a fussy do gooder decided to spill his beans.

I have to disagree with your position if you're equating it to the OP's post, or ALL relationships. In your fiasco, it may have been intrusion, especially feeling embarrassed that he was porking ladies behind your back and you didn't (or didn't want to) know. I am not against intruding on someone's relationship when you're a stranger to it.

However, if you have a friend who's SHARING his relationship issues and misdeeds with you, and involvement with both parties... things are different. Oh, I'm not saying rating people out -- that's a final, last, rare straw. However, if like many close friends, yours befriends his girl with you, and also tells you stories about porking tons of women, thinking it's okay... while the girl who chit-chats with is ga-ga about this wonderful man, and is blind as a bat to what he's doing -- you're going to feel like sh!t talking to her, right? Your friend put you in an unfair position.
Your friend didn't say "Oh, it's all good -- we can screw other people". Your friend is expecting you to lie to her or cover for you, in this clearly not-gray-area.

You DO impose yourself on your friend. You confront him. He confronted YOU about the relationship (cheating about it), and you are brought in and involved in certain conditions and this is a scenario of that.

It doesn't have to "be your job". It's not my job to lie or not lie. It's not my job to help a lady carry her groceries. It's not my job to be honest with my client. It's not my JOB to give good advisements at work, when it isn't in my JOB description. It's not my JOB to hand someone a wallet they dropped.

Here's something for you. Let's say you're dating a philandering man, and you're friends with some of his friends too (common). For years, he's been having sex with your sister, who you're very close to. The relationship obviously falls apart, you find out about this secret longterm relationship, etc.

You talk to his friend after it all hits you -- and his friend says "Oh, he told me all about it, as time went on. All the details about porking your sis. I couldn't even talk to him about it and force him to stop everything and end the relationship. That'd be intruding! It's not my business!"

Obviously not a gray area. Unless there's something the OP didn't say (or fibbed about), not a gray area with him, either. He needs to intrude. His friend dragged him into a situation that's unfair by allowing his girl to befriend, AND telling him about porking other gals.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 43
I wouldn't.....
Posted: 2/14/2009 5:47:48 PM
mylifeasme,

..hold another person accountable for the decisions I made and the actions I took.

No. Your girlfriend/wife's took those actions. We can't assume you were allowing it to happen and were in self-denial.

No, I wouldn't expect someone to rat out THEIR friend for my benefit.

Oh, not necessarily rat them out - that's a last-ditch option in my book, only necessary in super-ultra-rare circumstances that won't happen to me, I'm sure. But confronting her friend confronting your wife saying "you have to stop this". Something. If the friend said in response to you, "Hey, at a certain point, I got on her ass about that stuff, the same thing a good friend would do to stop them from getting f'd up on drugs or alcohol. In this case, I knew she was also screwing someone over I know, too," then that'd be cool. I'm not saying the friend had to come directly to you. I guess they'd have to be a really close friend with you for that, after giving their friend (your girlfriend/wife) tons of slack & leway to put an end to her continued mess.

Frankly, since they aren't MY friend, what would I care about them post the break up anyway

They have been considered a friend in this situation. Sure, they're loyal and a true solid friend to your girlfriend/wife, and to you, there's just been a friendship in which you talk to her about your gf/wife with her and how great she is and get/expect mild feedback, etc. Of course loyalty goes to your girlfriend/wife, -all things considered equal- and then some, but my point is there's a limit before your gf/wife's friend has to at least stop her friend. Good loyal friends stop their friends from doing bad stuff when it gets out of control, blatant, and continual. If she was a stranger? I'm with you on that that you aren't going to confront a friend of hers you don't know (although be curious in general about what her friends thought of her while doing all that).
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 46
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Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:16:44 PM
To the OP for doing the right thing here, by talking to his friend and not the friend's GF, and trying to get him to see that what he was doing was wrong. That's what a good friend does, helps his friends fix things that are wrong in their lives, not make it worse by throwing gasoline on a fire. Clearly the friend has some issues with his rationalizations for why he has always cheated on the women in his life, and now that someone has called him on this nonsense, maybe he'll get the help he needs to have healthier relationships in the future.
 Verissa
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 47
Should I out a friend that cheats?
Posted: 3/3/2009 4:21:52 PM
I know that I would want to know..but then again..I wouldn't. Tough decision. Talk to your friend and let him make his decision..either "her" (the gf) or "them" (the other women). She might not leave him, he will hate you, and she may never speak to you either, or she may leave him, she may remain your friend and he still hates your.. any way it's you're decision to make.
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