Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I went thru this with my ex. I work in the DJ/Club industry and I am a woman amongst a lot of male peers, which means I have a LOT of male friends, and they are club DJs, bartenders, bouncers, managers, etc.

If you trust her but not him, then trusting her cancels out any problems.

My ex did this with me. It's not YOU I don't trust, it's guys...my response to that is, if I want to go off with another guy, I'll let you know. I don't cheat. And more of a threat to a bf of mine is men I don't know and I am not friends with, because those are the ones I'd sleep with quicker. Obviously if I had any chemistry with my male friends, I'd already have gone there.

So how does not trusting him REALLY matter? If she's loyal to you, she'll walk thru a room full of Chippendales drunk off her a$$ and not even flinch...so what's the problem?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:45:23 PM
But you see, that's the deal. It doesn't matter if you trust him, unless you think he is going to spike her drink with a mind-altering drug, if you trust her, you have nothing to worry about and I agree, you may think or have convinced yourself that you trust her but you don't.

You would not be irate that he invited her. SHE had the opportunity to say that sounds great, I would like to bring Ed, that way I have something to do when you are doing the NASCAR thing and I would really love for you two to meet. Do you think maybe she did not propose that alternative because she was concerned about how you would act, i.e. hostile and not particularly pleasant to be around? You've already admitted you don't like someone that means a lot to her, never want to meet him, on what planet is this mature?

While it would obviously be better to be honest with his wife, I can understand his situation because I lost many friends being with a jealous man for many years. If nothing is going on and he doesn't want to lose a friend of 20 years (hellooo, that is a really long time to be friends with someone and most people do not take it lightly), there really isn't harm in his maintaining contact without creating the friction by letting his wife know.

If you were so secure yada, yada, why do you think it took your girlfriend three days to clue you in? She obviously wanted to see a dear friend but cares enough about you that outside inviting you which is weird to me, she doesn't want to argue with you and go when she knows you are pissed.

Just one other thing you might want to think about. When you care about someone, have given them no reason to doubt you and they obviously don't trust you because they come up with this I don't trust the guy comment, it hurts very much. You are worried about the guy but you may be the death knell of your relationship if you don't see your behavior for what it is.

Now, you have many responses that you should trust her, you will likely get an equal number telling you that your thing about not trusting the guy is right on. You should decide whether you want to be right or continue having a good relationship with a woman you profess to care a great deal for.

And there is the first one.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 10
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:54:58 PM
"this would be a good way for them to see each other for more than the usual few minutes because his wife isn't happy that they "WERE" frieds and he's had to tell her that they no longer have any contact."

The fact that your girlfriend's guy friend is lying to his wife about being friends AND is planning on seeing her behind his wife's back bothers me - a lot. Then again I would break it off the friendship for the sake of his marriage so yeah, I think your girlfriend needs to take a hard look at her relationship with her married friend.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 6:41:53 PM
^^^I totally agree with that. I don't care about friends of the opposite sex, but there can't be any secrecy or separation if it's a normal deal. If she's not good with you joining them, then I'd have a problem with it.
 krookie
Joined: 10/2/2007
Msg: 27
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 7:18:39 PM
You have said you trust her 100%. It's been said here and there, but I don't think you've given an answer on these...

- You said she didn't tell you for 3 days because she knew you'd be pissed. Why does she feel that way? Does SHE feel that you don't trust her?

- This one's for her... Does she REALLY think it's appropriate for a married man and a woman in a relationship, who had feelings for her at one point, to share a room? ...While his wife doesn't know anything about it? Shouldn't someone care at this point about even the appearance of impropriety?

- Why DIDN'T she say to him that she would like you to come along? Does she not trust you to behave?

Too many problems with secrets and things hidden in this one. It may be past for the moment, but it doesn't sound like it won't ever come up again in the future.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 29
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:08:45 PM
It sounds like not only does Peachsplitter have concerns about the guys intention, but so does his wife-and she supposedly doesn't know of this get-together.

There's a simple solution to this: ask the guy to go with his wife to Vegas for the weekend, and meet up with Peachsplitter and his gf, and the four of them can hang out together. Anyone's fear of any wrondoing will be alleviated.
 Humorous Romantic
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 32
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:28:05 PM
Dude you sound too naive as I was in my past relationship which I brokeup 6mths. ago forgive me, but the girl you are dating is a ****. Don't trust her just kick on her ass. Do you guys live together. Do you know her family and all her friends? Is she mistry for you? My ex girlfriend was like that she knew everything about me including my family and friends, but never introduced to any of her friends or family members. For friends she is private to share her own info. and her family is antisocial. Those two reasons I got I date her still for year. She had guy friends she never introduce me too, though I never had problem with guys being her friend as I believed in equality, I introduced her to all my friends who are girls, but finally I caught her cheating on me doing with another guy in her car, and also found out she was dating my best friend's cousin. I brokeup with her. I advise you to do the samething.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 9:01:32 PM
Maybe you would trust her more if they were meeting in Detroit?

And it is you that has the problem because you wouldn't be worried about her if she was meeting a chick from college. In the post 22 you mentioned Vegas twice and it sounds almost as if you are hung up on the phrase "weekend in Vegas," as if there was only one reason people go there.

And there is problem number two, you think because he might have a romantic interest that she is somehow after 20 years going to cave?

It is not in the rear view mirror because you now prevented her from spending time with her friend even if she agreed with it, she did it to appease you. I suggest if you really want to make things work, you suggest meeting him. If nothing else, you could adopt that keeping the enemies closer attitude. You could also try extending an olive branch, he might just be a decent guy, or do you not really want your fears addressed?

Just read the last post, you're not worried about what he might do, you are jealous of their history. Once you really get your brain around that you will probably be okay because for her, he is the same as a female friend. The type of intimacy and relationship she has with you, she has never had with him, and I am not talking about sex. There is a closeness you have when you are in an intimate relationship that you never have with others, it is a different type of closeness. It is hard hooking up with people that have had folks in their lives a long time. You can't forget that he is a man so you fixate on that rather than feeling like you are the man out, which I think is part of your problem.

She has already chosen you over him, it would take a big man to make sure that she doesn't have to do that again. Part of loving someone is respecting that you cannot understand everything about them. You haven't really had a female friend for this length of time so you don't understand the hole that would be in her life if he wasn't there. You don't have to "get" it to be supportive of her and if you do that, the details aren't a big deal.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 9:37:19 PM
Well, OP, since your issue is dealing with a woman and you want to have the relationship with her rather than the guys, doesn't it make a bit of sense to perhaps listen to women that have been trying to tell you how they would feel if they were in your girlfriend's shoes.

I think your girlfriend tried to see your perspective even if she did not understand why you felt the way you did because she chose not to go. I assumed that you understood the male perspective because you are a man.

You know, you can either be right or you can work toward building a relationship that could result in a happy marriage. If you didn't want to listen to what people said, why put up the thread? You are asking how best to proceed to resolve this issue into the future. Sorry, I didn't know you were looking for the male perspective only.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:52:40 PM
It depends, many many many friends of opposite genders never ever have a sexual thought about each other, okay other than the normal BS we wonder about, but really, it's not nearly as hard as some people seem to think to have a friend of the other gender and never cross any lines for any reasons. Sure some people can't handle it but then some people would screw your spouse/grandmother/brother/dog if you left them alone for 5 seconds.

Now there are people who purposely make friends with someone they know wants them but can't have them because they need a lot of attention and adoration. I wouldn't trust a person like that but that's my thing. Sounds like your girlfriend likes to be wanted, so while you may not trust this guy, shouldn't you be more interested in what she's getting out of him wanting her? I'm just guessing here on what little info you gave, but I think your distrust is misplaced, figure out why your gf needs this extra attention...and if they really are just friends, figure out why you don't trust him. In the end, it's all about what you can or can't handle.
 nemises546
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 12:35:50 AM
Of course a girl can have a male friend..its your own feeling of being insecure. The guy has been a friend for 20 years not just a short while....IF you cant trust then maybe you should move on.
 UnzippedPassion
Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 1:48:23 AM
Can a girl and a guy just be friends?
I sure hope so because I have a lot of them, some very close.

Should I feel weird about him wanting to see her like this? I don't like the way they hide their riendship from his wife and I'm sure that if I wasn't around - then she would have met him in Vegas for a platonic visit.
She didn't hide it from YOU and that's the important thing. If he chooses to deceive his wife that's his problem.

I think my girlfriend's a little naieve about his intentions.
She may be, but you stated that "you trust her 100%" and in order for any relationship to work that trust has to be that much and then some! As long as you trust her to make all the right decisions all you can do is voice your opinion/concerns on the topic and hope she respects it and you to do what she feels is best for the relationship along with helping you to remember why you trust her in the first place by explaining your fears away.

I got the impression on this thread that all those who said that you should continue to trust her must be trustworthy themselves and have had good experiences with trusting others and those who said "don't trust her" must have trust issues from the past either with themselves or someone who betrayed their trust. I believe someone even stated that they couldn't trust themselves in a room with another member just because she was sexual and dressed provocatively in a pic. I'd be in fear if my significant other made a statement like that!!!!
Someone recently told me that when feelings of insecurity threaten someone sufficient enough, ironically, the person instigating such practices as accusing others of various deceitful acts may actually be the one with the strongest propensity for cheating ... because their own fears and suspicions culminate in accordance with their own line of thinking.
I guess recognizing and admitting that's their line of thinking and they have a fear of being alone with someone sexual and know they can't be trusted because they know they would have NO control in either making advances or stopping them, could save them from making a grave mistake IF they NEVER put themselves in that position. (Even though we all know that everyone has control unless drugged!) And, unfortunately in life we're sometimes faced with being thrown in those situations so what happens then? They can never be trusted because life may put them in a situation where they can not control themselves??

Being trustworthy means in ALL situations whether it's right out in the open or behind closed doors with someone and no one can see. If you can't trust yourself, how can anyone else trust you and how can you ever be in a commited loving relationship with a partner who needs to trust you all the time just as you should trust them in all situations?

My mom used to have a saying, and I'm sure others have heard this from their parents, that went like this. Always conduct yourself as if you're on National TV. (Of course as kids we laughed as we went out the door) But how true that statement is and I now say it to my children and try to remember it myself.

When it comes to relationships I'd like to believe that when one really loves another person and is committed to them.......nothing CAN or WILL break that bond regardless of how pretty/hot the temptation is. When I was married it would matter not how "hot" a guy was who came on to me because my bond was with my husband and I just didn't look at others that way. I was capable of a friendship in all situations. Unfortunately for me, he was not.

I'll admit that there is one thing that bothers me with this situation and may cause a little concern and thats that she told you that at one time he had a romantic interest in her. Therefore I'd remind her of that concern and that he still may have hidden feelings for her and that she shouldn't allow herself to get in any situations that may make her vulnerable or lose her ability to make appropriate decisions if need be. Assure her also of your love for her because impaired judgement sometimes comes from an insecurity in the relationship. As long as she's secure in knowing your feelings for her beyond all doubt, any compliment or special treatment he may shower her with won't even phase her. It's when a partner is not sure, or feeling unloved, undesirable that they become more vulnerable .
Other than that as others have said, unless she's drunk or drugged or something is impairing HER judgement, she's still the same person you trust 100%.

Try to remember too that this is someone from her past who's been in her life for a long time and NOT some new fellow on the block trying to hit on your girlfriend with total romantic/sexual intentions under the disguise of friendship which in my opinion would warrant some concern if she knew his intentions and wanted to go spend time with him anyway.

 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 6:54:48 AM
I think there are two types of people in the world - those who have opposite sex friends (not just aquaintences) and those who do not. I have plenty of male friends.

Would it be OK? Nope! When you are in a relationship - you don't do things that make the other person uncomfortable. End of story.

So while I might go visit a male friend at this point in my life - if I'm half of a couple I wouldn't do it. I'd still talk, email, have lunch together, whatever...but there's a line that crosses respect and boundaries.
 o0opaulo0o
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 54
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:19:54 AM
If you trust her then you have nothing to worry about, she should go and enjoy herself. If anything is going to happen between them then it will happen no matter what you do or say about them. If its not going to happen then it wont. You cant stop her from seeing who she wants to or she will resent you for it in the future. Trust me on this one, my best friend is a girl and when she was in a relationship the guy hated me with a passion but nothing ever happened, even though i wanted it to but he went on and on at her not to see me, not to talk to me on the phone and eventually i told her he's no good and too controlling and she should get away from him, the next day she broke up with him.
 lil red corvette
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 55
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:54:22 AM
Sounds to me like someone has CONTROL issues .
You either trust or you don't. Best advice is to let her go (without dumping on her all your insecurities)...if she simply has a wonderful (platonic) weekend, she will think the world of you for not giving her a hard time .... if she strays... best to find out that your trust was misplaced ... no ?

If she was going to stray.. and doesn't simply because you don't allow her to go ... you can be assured that she will almost certainly take the next opportunity (and simply will not tell you )
Suck it up..... be a man... let her live her life ....and maybe you will learn the meaning of trust.
On the other hand maybe you should just get a dog.... :)
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 60
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 9:31:01 AM
OMG ...... it is not even a "trust" issue.

It is HER being inconsiderate of the OP's feelings.

Trust my fanny ...............

- my friend wants me to go on a cruise with him ... I promise not to screw him .... don't you trust me?

- my friend wants me to come to Vegas (behind his wife's back) - what is wrong .... don't you trust me?

BULLCHIT ........... she is putting that crap right in the OP's face.

-----------

Being considerate (or not) of the other person's feelings is a BIG AZZ DEAL.

Yeah - the guy is being sneeky but ..... she is being inconsiderate as all get out.

Her reply should have been "thanks George but .......... I would NEVER EVER consider doing that to my boyfriend" (or your wife) .... end of story.
 Okietokie88
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 2:05:03 PM
I've got a really good female friend and I can completly identify with her mate.I mean I've been around women who are so insecure you can't mention your female friends to them without some HUGE ordeal.I think that if I were near my good mate and I had asked her to come down to spend a few days with me the I could do is get a cot and hunker down at the foot of the bed for those two days.I think your portraying rather projecting your relationship with your female "friends" on your gf and her genuine mate.20 years is a lot and at the end of the day an old true blue friend always trumps new bf w/trust issues.

Just trying to help mate

oh and I understand your point of view and I just want to note that'd I'd always invite her bf if I ever invited my female friend.
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 76
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/10/2009 9:36:37 PM
Do I think men and women can be just friends, without a sexual attraction on either side? Absolutely. In that kind of situation, I think both of them could sleep in the same bed and nothing would ever happen. However, that is not the situation you have here. What you have is:

1. A man who is lying to his wife about having broken off his friendship
with you gf
2. He has told your gf in the past that he has more than friendship feelings
for her
3. He's invited your gf for a getaway weekend, even though he knows she
now has a bf
4. He's even suggested they share a room together
5. He didn't bother to invite you

This just screams that he'd still like to get physical with her, at least to me. Now, what I'd have a problem with isn't him. It's easy to see what his agenda is. My problem would be with your gf. It wouldn't be that it took her three days to come to you with this, although that does suggest that she knew how'd you would feel about it, especially since she'd probably feel the same way if the situation were reversed. What would really make me wonder about the gf would be that she'd even entertain his idea, even if you weren't in the picture, but most assuredly since you are.
 quo_vadis
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 93
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/11/2009 3:08:10 PM
original poster,
the question in the title of this thread is easy to answer: any well-adjusted woman can have a committed relationship with a man and at the same time, platonic friendships with as many men as she wants. in my opinion, that matter is closed. but there are several things going on in your message that unsettle me, which get a little complicated:
first, the easy bit: it's obvious to me that this man she is friends with has fancied her for a long time, but for whatever reason prefers to keep her on a shelf, under glass, choose your metaphor. he doesnt want to, or cant, fully acknowledge these feelings to her, his wife, or possibly himself. but this invitation to spend a weekend together---expressly without you---when he knows you have been involved with her for a year, is clearly a strategy designed to break the two of you apart so she can go back to sitting on a shelf for him, so he has someone to go to once his shaky marriage finally collapses.
this sounds like a pretty strong opinion, but i come to it after considering that it's clear you are not welcome to join her (which i find very suspicious and unreasonable), he is being dishonest with his wife about her (they obviously have trust issues of their own which does not bode well for them, even with kids, especially since neither mom nor dad are dealing with it), and she held news of this invitation from you which suggests to me less that she is worried about your reaction than worried about losing HIM (he's got about 19 years on you in her life) and that she's someone he can control. he would not put her in this position if he cared about her---there would be no question of you being welcome if that was really the case.
she's his backup plan. she's isolated. moreover, she's made some bad choices already so having been involved with her for a year, a good year if we are to trust your description, it is reasonable to expect you to be included in this trip and you are justified in being concerned she will make a bad decision that weekend. but she's not the only one making bad decisions here.
if you want a solid relationship with this woman, or any woman, you are going to have to accept that platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex are not only possible, but necessary for us to be whole, healthy human beings whether in a committed relationship or not. Yes, as her boyfriend it is your business what she does and who she does it with, but it's not your call. normally i would advise the two of you to talk it out, but i think youve said some things to her that have thrown a wrench into that process, and given your poor insight into the whole situation, i have doubts about this problem ever being resolved. i think you may have to chalk this one up to experience, and perhaps start thinking outside the lines of gross generalizations of male/female behaviour if you want your luck with relationships to improve. every person, and situation, is different. all the best~
 perpetualbachelor
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 101
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:01:51 PM
I wouldn't trust ANY woman to not cheat.

EVERY woman will be inclined to cheat given the mood and circumstance are conducive to doing so. If she is strongly attracted to the man, and the chance of discovery is nil, then what reason would she have to not surrender to a night of perfect passion that may only present itself on a handful of occasions throughout her life? I think that this would be especially true if her steady relationship has grown monotonous over time.
 d8withf8
Joined: 3/23/2005
Msg: 102
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:40:41 PM
Friends with benifits,sure they do. Just like i have lots of girls that are friends with benifits or you can try to get even more tricky and say that they are your cousins. All a lie and you know it.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 122
view profile
History
Girlfriend has a GUY friend..... what do you think?
Posted: 2/13/2009 2:30:21 PM
I can't believe how many people are dumping on peach. He's handled this pretty damn well, considering how it was all dropped on his lap. Ladies, you talk about 100% trust meaning he should not have disagreed to the arrangement, but how would you feel if your boyfriends/husbands were going on a holiday like this and didn't tell you? Even if you trusted her, what would you think of the third party who initiated the situation. The "pal" is a liar who is not forthcoming with his wife, so what kind of a man is he to begin with? And then the GF withholds information...no doubt because she knows it will upset you....and why shouldn't it? But it's still deceit. I had female friends while I was married and I'd go for lunch with them, or out with a group of people....we never put ourselves in a situation that might have sexual overtones. So, what's happening? A guy lies to his wife, asking a girl "friend" if she'll spend a wknd with him. The girl's boyfriend is not informed of the arrangements initially. I smell dead fish. You should have been invited....this is not a dinner date, this is spending a wknd together. If it's innocent, why the subterfuge?

Not on Valentine's wknd, but sometime soon, make your feelings known. You feel hurt and betrayed. It's not a matter of who's more right at this point, it's about how you behave with each other, and what's comfortable. Maybe hearing each other's points of view and explaining how you feel will change the way you deal with each other for the better in the future. But bottling it up is only going to make your resentment grow. Bring it out in the open.

As far her pal goes, I wouldn't trust him. When you're a pal of a woman in a relationship it's important to meet her beau and make your intentions clear. You behave like a brother, not a lover, so there will be no misunderstandings.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >