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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!      Home login  
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 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 302
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!Page 23 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Jace71:

"Apparently, they are also not capable of emotionally and physically maintaining a relationship, or they would not end up single after each attempt to stay in a relationship."



I get what you are saying.......the hypocricy!

But.....many people on here may be single due to the incapacity of their partner to sustain a healthy, loving relationship. And there are those that lose their partners to death, also. All past experiences and relationships have value.......potential learning experiences if you look for them.


For me, a person in their 40's with no past relationship experience would not be a red flag......but I would find it interesting! But I am a curious type person..... sometimes to my detriment! :) I would simply be curious about the person's intrapersonal skills which are skills that are further developed, reevaluated and adjusted with every relationship.


In the big picture.....we are all just looking for the imperfect person that we fit perfectly with!

You seem to have developed a great attitude regarrding self-improvement...good luck!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 303
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 6/16/2014 8:39:06 AM

Well, for me I would wonder if they had a similar outlook as I do. It's doubtful that that was the case from the get-go.. most men I know around that age have been married and divorced and NOW they have the same outlook as me though, lol..

Same here - and some of my female friends are now there as well after a marriage (or two).
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 304
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 6/16/2014 1:38:13 PM
The only time it might be a red flag is you are out looking to get married. People who are past 40 and never been married might need more then a nudge to make them fall for it. They would need a push and a shove unless they are very unhappy about being single. But then who wants to date a single person who is unhappy.
If you are out and looking to get married as soon as possible then its a big red flag.
If you are out to find someone to have a relationship with. Enjoy your life together with as little baggage from the past as possible then its a big green flag.
 pureandsimple4172
Joined: 5/2/2014
Msg: 305
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 6/23/2014 5:39:39 AM
I respect anybody who can hold off. I am a believer in marriage, but I respect people who don't get married just to say they are married. You know the types...the wedding is more important than actually being married...
I know of one woman who has been married for probably 18 years now. She has separated with her husband many of times. She's living under the same roof as him now at his parent's house. They don't share a room. Her husband's parents think she is the little innocent angel. They both are compulsive liars. She isn't having sex with other guys, but she's out and about with many different men.
She has emotional affairs.
In her 20's, she thought being married was something she was supposed to do. Now she is 40, broke, and no where to go.
She has no money and no where to go except back home with mom. The guys find out who she is and they run the other way. She's to caught up in her culture to get divorced. But it's okay for her to be a compulsive liar and have emotional affairs.

I would much rather be with the never married 45 year old than jump into something with a woman with her baggage.
 Baffalobill
Joined: 6/18/2014
Msg: 306
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/5/2014 10:16:12 PM
How about nearing 40 and relationship Status -Non existent .
What colour flag ? and how many ???? hehehe..
 flav0rs31
Joined: 12/13/2013
Msg: 307
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/9/2014 4:18:18 AM
I dont feel that is true. I think it comes down to their values.
 mdigitalman
Joined: 6/5/2013
Msg: 308
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/11/2014 3:23:38 PM
Your not doomed Divine, your hot and sexy. Being over 40 and never married is not a "Red Flag". What are, however a "Red Flags" are any display of selfish or bad behavior or habits toward others.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 309
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/12/2014 10:04:48 PM
My brother got married 2 months ago. He is 54. Never married. Intelligent, attractive, funny, smart. She is around the same age, and has the same characteristics, although she was married for a very brief time. They met through an online dating site. Were together a long time before my brother popped THE question. They are adorable. No matter what a person's age it is not automatically a deal breaker. Assumptions are very seldom true, you know
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 310
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/17/2014 4:26:17 PM
I think if you are widowed more than three times in the last 10 years, that would be a red flag.

Especially if there were big insurance payouts involved.

I admit I'm worth more (financially) dead than alive, but my parents get everything.

I've never been married. *waves big red flag around.*
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 311
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/25/2014 7:48:23 PM
In theory, I can understand the mentality of someone thinking that a "never married" person over 40 is a red flag. Hey, they're very likely to be selfish, set in their ways, uncompromising, etc. If they're so great, why didn't they find anyone, or anyone find them.

However, a more thoughtful type of person would overstand that life is NOT like the movies. Everybody does not get to meet "the one". The way I see it, it's like the child's game, Musical Chairs.......................where you start out with "x" number of children, and "x minus one" number of chairs. Every time the music stops, somebody doesn't have a chair..............and they are OUT of the game. It's nobody's "fault", so very much of "meeting someone" boil down to "luck" and "timing". Anecdotally, I will give just 3 examples of this:

1) My best friend is about as introverted as they come. 20 years ago, he was driving his car, with an outgoing friend of his in the passenger seat. They drove by a bus stop. There was a woman there. At a traffic light, the outgoing friend said, "Hello" to the woman at the bus stop. A 2 minute conversation ensued, and the outgoing friend played matchmaker for my best friend. The way I see it, there were a couple of "lucky" factors working in this scenario. A) Most American women are socialized to be ridiculously fearful of, "talking to strangers". Luckily, this woman was not American. B) The outgoing friend lived in another state, and rarely if ever came to my friend's state. Except for this ONE time, my friend, always went to the outgoing guy's state. C) While my friend is not as introverted now, as he was in his 20's, there is simply no way in hell that my friend would have struck up a conversation with this woman (not even if he himself had been AT that bus stop himself, as opposed to DRIVING PAST it. D) Timing=What if she had been running late that day? Taken the day off from work? Wasn't in the mood for lighthearted banter? Etc. etc. etc. the "what ifs" and "luck" and "timing" were ALL over this. As far as I can tell, my best friend and this woman from the bus stop, have been happily married (and going strong), for 18 years.

I heard this one from a call in radio program. A coworker invited another co-worker over to her aunt's house for a barbecue. The invited coworker walks in the front door with the niece. The invited coworker immediately notices a photograph on a shelf, of a man that she finds very attractive. She asks the niece, "Who is THAT?" The niece is like, "Oh, that's our cousin so and so." The invited coworker asks if this guy is single. The niece indicates that he IS single. The invited coworker says, "What are we waiting for, let's get him on the phone and get him over here." Turns out, the guy was going to be coming over anyway. Luck/Timing=What if the niece never developed a friendship with the woman (and never invited her to the aunt's house?) What if the coworker was unable to accept the invitation that day? What if that photograph was not prominently displayed there? What if the good-looking guy lived 3 states away? What if he was not single? "What if", "what if", "what if?" I realize that human nature being what it is, that people are arrogant enough to believe that everything is about THEM, but I am a HUGE believer that so very much of life boil down to, "being in the right place, at the right time" and pure luck.

Any one who has read Walter Isaacson's excellent biography of Steve Jobs, and remembers the story about how Steve met his wife (Lauren), cannot disagree that that is a story of pure dumb luck and timing. The Cliff Notes version, is that Steve was giving a lecture at (I think, Stanford University). The auditorium was jam packed. Hundreds of people in attendance. Every last seat was filled. Lauren had no plans or interest in attending this lecture. She just happened to have been with a friend of hers that day, who did plan to attend. The friend talked Lauren into coming with him/her. Despite there not being a single empty seat, they did not do what most people do, who find themselves in a similar situation (keep a very low profile, and hang in the back of the room). Nope, they walked right down to the FRONT of the room, and Lauren sat on the floor, practically RIGHT in front of Steve Jobs. He noticed her.................and the rest is history. "Luck" and "timing" are ALL over this story.

In addition to the whole "luck/timing" thing, I think a more thoughtful person also looks at the person in question "as a whole" their overall demeanor, attitude, outlook, personality, character, etc. etc. and (if appropriate), thinks to themselves, "Hmmmmm, maybe this is a good person, who just never met the 'right' person, and because they haven't, they will REALLY appreciate it, if/when they do, and will bend over backwards to do everything they can, in order to make a partnership work."

Once you start getting late in the game, a lot of quality people start thinking, "It might be nice to have a hand to hold onto, as I am leaving this world."
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 312
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 9/2/2014 5:33:30 AM

I would much rather be with the never married 45 year old than jump into something with a woman with her baggage.~Pure and simple


Merely because someone has never married does not automatically mean they do not have baggage. Sometimes it is because they’ve so much baggage that no one will have them.

Marriage and parenting are usually seen as societally desirable. Often it is the persons considered the most desirable, those that can have anyone they want, with or without having to marry, that always marry. I cannot connect to someone who has not been married or parented a child. Not saying they are necessarily undesirable; just that they are not for me. I appreciate that we can share commonalities a great deal. Also, as single persons grow older, and I see this more often in men than women, they tend to become more self-centered and egocentric.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 313
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 9/3/2014 10:37:14 PM
I don't really see how never being married leads equates to selfishness. I'm 45 and have never been married, and I'm very unselfish, to a degree it has been healthier for me to reign that in some.

I've been engaged 3 times, and with those 3, lived together a total of 23 of the 27 of my adult years. I called off or let the idea of a marriage fade away in all 3 cases. I had no reason to get married, and if forced to consider it, I fall into analysis paralysis. I doesn't mean I wouldn't make a good partner for someone and am not committed, it just means I need someone to take over and push me some. It would probably take some prompting or even an ultimatum to move me out of my comfort zone of passive indecision. I know logically that being married isn't much different than, say, 14 years of living with someone, but there's something about making that actual decision for the REST OF YOUR LIFE that makes me hyperventilate a little bit or feel like that engagement ring on my finger is just too tight.

I never really "got" the reason to need or want to be married. I think I would definitely do it now, and my ideal mate would be a 'best friend". I could do the 'for better or worse, sickness or heath' with someone I loved who was also someone I was friends with. I think it's the notion of romance, knowing at my age that that part burns out, that stalls me the most. I never "dreamed of my wedding day" as a little girl. I've just never been a 'wrapped in fantasy' type of person.

My "paralysis" at making major decisions has also kept me in some relationships WAY too long, seriously narrowing the opportunities to meet someone I would whole - heartedly want to marry.

My brother is 42 and never married either, though he is having a really hard time now facing the fact that he waited to do so and to have children, since most of the women in his dating range are finished having children. He really wants to start a family, but it seems it might be too late :(

I don't think there's anything really "wrong with me" to have not married. My inability to act impulsively can be a good thing, unless there are decisions that HAVE to be made. A good partner for me would be one who prompts me or just takes that out of my hands somewhat. I need someone who is a bit more of a risk taker and who will inspire me to say "fvck it, lets do it", but unfortunately, likes attract for me and I wind up getting along best with the same logical people. It doesn't affect my ability to love, share, compromise or commit.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 314
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 9/6/2014 6:34:23 AM
Bebedeleau...I agree with everything you said. I never really saw a good explanation of it until I just read yours.

The thought of forever and ever can be a bit of a claustrophobic event. And never being married isn't selfish - what's the alternative, trapping someone into wedded bliss with my life and disguising it as a gift from me? It's the same concept as saying being childless is selfish. To whom is this "selfishness "happening to exactly? Earth? The child that's not there? Someone shmuck out there that wants to perpetuate?

People say a lot of things without thinking about the meaning of those things.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 315
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 1/7/2015 12:35:04 PM
I am more bummed about the likely possibility that I will be 40 and have had no meaningful relationship in my life, much less marriage. Some people just get passed up, and are unwanted like me. It happens, but it does not make it any less of a pain in the ass.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 316
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 1/10/2015 10:56:56 AM
It is not safe for women to have children after 40.

---

*rollseyes* that is BS. I know plenty of women who had healthy babies and normal pregnancies over 40. One of the pediatric docs I work with just had his first perfectly healthy baby boy. Both he and his wife are over 40. I doubt he would have knowingly put his wife in danger if he also believed that it wasn't safe for her to have a child at that age.

Back to topic - I think I would be a bit concerned about someone that age never having been married. Sounds like a commitment phobe or grass is always greener on the other side type of person. Probably not a very fair assessment, but that is what goes to my mind immediately.
 Szaszaspasz
Joined: 11/13/2012
Msg: 317
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 1/10/2015 8:59:31 PM
^^^^

Naw! The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

Some of us are just too feckin' lazy for marriage.
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