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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!      Home login  
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 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 101
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!Page 5 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
Hmmm, I turned 40 in Feb and have never been married. Is something wrong with me?

NO! LOL.

I was busy with a life from 24-39 that really wasn't conducive to being married. I have opportunities, I was even asked. I wasn't ready then but I am now. Not sure why it would be a red flag to anyone. Getting married and divorced to me is a bigger red flag than never being married.

People say it's a red flag because they THINK there is something wrong with us.

Could it be, perhaps, that we're just not one to rush off and get married to someone when we're either not ready or we know that isn't the right person?

Sheesh. Give us a break!

Many people get married young because they got someone pregnant or they THINK they know what love is. Some of us have been able to avoid making the mistakes people commonly make.

Why it's a red flag is beyond me....
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 102
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:29:40 PM
Not to me. I figure he just hasn't met a truly wonderful woman yet.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 103
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:30:56 AM

Not to me. I figure he just hasn't met a truly wonderful woman yet.


I did actually when I was 19. She asked ME to marry her, but I wasn't ready then. She took it as a personal insult and left. She didn't understand that it wasn't that I didn't love her (I did!) but that I wasn't mentally or emotionally ready to settle down. Not at 19!

Since then there have been many women and I did ask someone to marry me about 4 years ago but thank God it didn't happen because as I stepped back I could see that relationship was doomed for failure.

So you're right, I haven't meet anyone wonderful yet -- and I'm not giving up on it either!
 Lucysmith111
Joined: 2/21/2008
Msg: 104
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:40:53 AM
So over 40 and never married raises a red flag for some women hmmm how about a single mom over thirty and divorced hmmm raises a red flag for guys to.


I do OK for myself but I am sure that is not what guys see when they read that...... it's OK if they run from that, it saves me time.

If you never look at the dusty book at the bottom of the shelf at the library you will never realize the wonderful story inside. Might be this awesome story that you have been dieing to read, well hmm sucks to be you if you never take time to investigate.

Heidi
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 105
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:52:13 AM
jbogie, I find that the men I meet seem to want a woman who is divorced, since they tell me that they cannot fathom ever getting along with me since I have not been married, which means I have not experienced anything about life to them. ( at least 5 men have said this to me in a phone conversation, after they failed to read my profile (single to me means never married). When they learned that I have not been married I went from sounding great to them asking me if I am gay, to saying I was psychotic, one said that I surely must be hideously ugly since I have not been married, one said if I had been engaged he would consider possibly meeting me, and another said that he would never meet me since I was not divorced. All said that I have not experienced anything about life to them as I have not been married.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 106
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/26/2009 2:34:57 PM
Fifi47, joanne1357: where do you meet these nimrods? I know there are a lot of pre-judging types out there, but you really have a knack for finding `em.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 107
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/26/2009 4:58:32 PM
I think it partly is the part of the US where I reside. The native Southern men seem to act as if I have a dread disease when they hear I have not been married, and that ends their interest in me. Most of the men that I have dated are not native Southerners.
 OneLifeTwoLive
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 108
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:59:33 PM

If you never look at the dusty book at the bottom of the shelf at the library you will never realize the wonderful story inside. Might be this awesome story that you have been dieing to read, well hmm sucks to be you if you never take time to investigate.


Dusty books are great, however when it comes to spending the rest of my life in a story, I'd prefer to write my own and create my own characters rather than continuing someone elses story and caring for the characters they left behind. I tried it once didn't work so well even when I added a character of my own.
 Perigee123
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 109
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:02:31 AM
Ok, a silly question, but one I guess I ought to ask since this thread is now 12 pages long:

Who really gives a hoot in heck what people consider "Red Flag" issues?

If you're never married, you're defective.
If you screwed up a marriage, you're defective.
If you're toting children, you're defective.
If you're fat, you're defective.
If you're old, you're defective.
If you didn't graduate college, you're defective.
If you don't have a Master's degree, you're defective.
If you don't clear 60k, you're defective.

We could go on to the point of universal inclusiveness around here. Everyone's a red flag, in somebody's eyes. So why give it a second thought? Isn't it just messing with your head, being worried about what some total stranger has decided to think about you?

I didn't manage more than the first five pages, but it seems like some folks got themselves right up into defensive mode - "Uh-uh! My Uncle Leo got married at 52, and he was great!" "I could have gotten married, but I came down with beri-beri on my wedding day, and she called it off!"

Is there really any need or reason to defend yourself against any of this "Red Flag" stuff?

Everyone's life took some path. That tends to happen. Going forward, it seems to me life will be a lot more serene if you don't worry about what "MotherLover14" thinks about the way yours unfolded.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 110
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:52:05 AM
Perigree, I don't know that I agree with that.

I think you're too focused on the narrow-minded people of the world. Comparitively speaking, I've never run into anyone that felt I had some kind of flaw in regards to Education, Salary or what not -- AND if someone ever did judge me based on that criteria, they'd quickly see what the broad side of a "street curb" looks like.

My point is that if you are confident in who you are (and self-assured) then you will easily be able to avoid people who are bad/toxic for you. And you won't have to deal with a superficial/pyscho significant other :)
 Perigee123
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 111
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/29/2009 11:49:05 AM
If you've never run into anyone that felt you had some kind of flaw based on criteria, jarbarian,

A) You're not alone - neither have I - IRL.
B) You haven't contacted anybody here. ~Grin~ By the press it gets, you'd think the Red Flag is the new Red Scare.

That laundry list of Red Flags is one of the broader, gentler ones - a search of the term here brings up Horror Movies, Having Shy Issues, The Type that Bores Easily, Sarcasm... those and so much more await you as Red Flag threads. I mean, is somebody making these things up in a room somewhere? Can I just add Blue nail polish, or is there some committee I'd have to join first?

I can't tell if I'm bemused by it or horrified by it, but one thing is for sure, I certainly am not concerned by it.

But beyond the peculiar mindset that has laid out this minefield of secret evils, what I'd like to understand is what kind of person does, in fact, worries themselves about them? IS there anyone who truly does concern themselves with them - as far as being labeled themselves, that is.

It's not like there's a whole lot you could do about it. I suppose if you're a 45 year-old divorcee, you could turn Catholic and get an annulment, thus getting rid of the divorce stigma... but then, you gain the over-40-and-single stigma. DOH! You could stop watching horror movies and switch to Disney... if you don't mind a New red flag...

~Shrug~ It's all so weird and wonderful, and it seems like a shortcut on the way to neurosis to listen to any of it.
 IsabelK
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 112
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/29/2009 12:19:00 PM
I've never wanted to get married or have children - fortunately, my boyfriend doesn't want these, either - live and let live ...

Only you can decide what constitutes a red flag for you. There are so many shades of red!
 seajaydee
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 113
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/30/2009 6:49:11 AM
Being a sixty year old single, never married male, it's apparently a red flag to the women that I express an interest in dating. To them I must be a bad character for not being married with no baggage. I guess they don't believe me.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 114
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:55:11 AM
SeaJayDee, did you just never want to get married at all or was that just the dice you've been rolled?!
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 115
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 7/30/2009 8:07:16 AM
Maybe he has not met the right cat loving woman.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 116
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:59:46 PM
Give me my flag and move about your business.
The thing about generalizations as that they are founded in lack of knowledge and based in fear. So if you are scared of a guy that is forty, never married, no kids, stable job; do us both a favor, keep swimming.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 117
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 9/30/2009 6:11:27 PM
Men over 40 who have never married ,no kids and a stable job are prizes to me, they are so rare. All the men I meet who fit this category seem to prefer divorced women who have children.
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 118
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 10/1/2009 8:09:35 PM
a man over 40 and still single with no kids...smart. a woman over 40, past child bearing age and not family oriented....not so smart. women have a shelf life unfortunately. sorry ladies but men always look younger. men are ready at 40...career is solidified, they have it together, they can marry a lot younger and start a family. women over 40...well they work...and can have sex. so red flag for a man...no. a woman...yes.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 119
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 10/2/2009 1:50:24 AM
I have met a lot of men over 40 who do not have anything solidified- no career, no idea about who they are as a person without being attached to a woman, have fathered children with women they were not married to-why would they marry younger and start a family since they can barely support the children they have fathered? but then we women who are over 40 and have careers and do not have children have a lot more going for us than to date someone who is looking for a younger woman to start a family.
 KyChristian
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 120
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/5/2009 1:01:55 AM
Well paint me red because I'm about as red as you can get. I'll be 40 in 7 months and there has been a lot of non-traditional decisions I have made. Not only have I never been married, but I have never kissed anyone. The last real date I had (going to pick someone up, go out, drive her back home) was in 1994. The last resemblance of a date (meeting someone for dinner and then leaving) was in 2003. So am I a total loser? With women, you can go ahead and say yes, but this lifestyle has allowed me to do things I would not have been able to do.

I've been a homeowner since I was 25, raising enough money for the downpayment 1 1/2 years after paying off my college loan. I have been known to wake up in the morning, decide to leave to a different state that day, pack up and be out by early afternoon. I dabble in stocks, and if I make a bad decision, I have no one yelling at me about the lost money. I go to museums and can stay as long as I want reading anything and everything I want without anyone telling me to hurry up. I can go shopping at 3:30 am without having to deal with "Why are you leaving NOW?!??" inquiries. Heck, I am up at 4 am typing this note!

I have been able to commit a lot of time with my therapy dog, Mandy. A therapy dog is a trained dog that is allowed in nursing homes and hospitals and is completely calm in any environment. I am also free to take my three nieces on day trips anytime I want, and I can pursue any other interests like church related activities at any time.

I really enjoy this lifestyle. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to hold every now and then, but it's very rare that those thoughts get me down. It will take some REALLY special for me to give this up, but I do feel that it will happen when the time is right.
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 121
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/5/2009 6:10:37 AM

a man over 40 and still single with no kids...smart. a woman over 40, past child bearing age and not family oriented....not so smart. women have a shelf life unfortunately. sorry ladies but men always look younger. men are ready at 40...career is solidified, they have it together, they can marry a lot younger and start a family. women over 40...well they work...and can have sex. so red flag for a man...no. a woman...yes.


ROTFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 122
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/9/2009 12:14:12 PM
^^^ lots and lots of never-married folks in their 40s where i live. admittedly, it's a huge metro area.
 Chitownguy40
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 123
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/9/2009 4:22:00 PM
The mere fact someone has never married by 40 shouldn't be a red flag.
 BlueEyes1712
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 124
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over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/9/2009 9:30:57 PM

i don't know about a red flag or not. I know that some woman have told me that they think that there must be something wrong with a guy that is that old and never married.

I did read a study recently that said if a man is 40 or more years old and has never married, there was a 15% chance of him getting married.


As a man I dont think that is true for a 40 year old because he will be dating someone of still child rearing age. Once your in your late 40s and 50's theres no need for marrage because one considers less to have a family at that age, and the statistic is probably on for someone older than 45. I am 53, and past a practical age to be raising a family and children, although I like kids, I just dont want to devote the next 18 years bringing up a kid. I would be 71 by the time he graduated high school. So use your red flag if your intensions are to have kids. Men may not feel marrage is a needed once past child rearing age. I know I dont plan on marrying anyone but will date within my age range for companionship with someone I care for. So use your red flags and choose your age range appropriately if your intensions is to have kids.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 125
over 40 and never married...is this a RED FLAG!
Posted: 11/10/2009 3:19:41 AM
I don't view marriage as something one does when they are of child bearing age. I have always wanted to be married, even now when I am not in the child bearing years. My brother married for the first time at age 45 after dating his wife for 7 months. He and his wife have a seven year old daughter, and his wife is 8 years younger than him. I suppose he might have been attracted to her since she is younger, he and I have not discussed it.
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