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 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 10
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make itPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Having been in a position where I was going to have to choose between visitation (and potentially support) and the safety of my children.. it's a no brainer. They come first. Period.

I think Amore has some really valid points that I think you need to sit down and read and consider what she's saying very carefully.

If it's not about the money, is it worth risking her life? If you know he's sexually abusive, I assume that he got sexually agressive with you when he was drinking and not that he abused/assaulted some one else, are you willing to risk your daughter's innocence so that she is able to spend time with her father and get to know him? Around here, if you know someone is abusing your child and you willingly send your child to spend time with them, you get charged with endangering a child or worse. Is that what you want? You ARE young and you ARE working really hard to make a life for you and your daughter. I know it's difficult and exhausting and in an ideal world a child should have both parents in their life. Sometimes this isn't a good idea. His actions have spoken volumes over the last 2 yrs, right? Telling you to get an abortion, leaving, not being involved in her life so far, not sending support, no contact at all... what does that tell you?

If I were you, have him sign off on his rights. When she asks, tell her about him. She can decide later on in her life if she wishes to find him.. and he can always look for her too. But don't count on it.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/16/2009 4:06:20 PM
It's natural to feel guilt that yoru daughter doesn't know her dad and yet you want either rights taken away or child support. either way you're opening a can of worms. If he wants to be involved, he would have already. But yes, there's a chance that if you pursue child support, he'll go take you to court for child custody. and he may deny in taking out the rights, if he isn't in the birth control then don't sweat it o ut.

So because he was sexually abusive to you, mean he'll do the same with your daughter? I highly doubt so unless he is prone to kids rather than to women. i hope you reported him so that he won't get away with it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:31:38 AM
Life isn't fair. You do what you need to now to protect your daughter which is absolutely nothing. You do not need to terminate his parental rights to ensure that he is not in her life, he isn't and doesn't want to be.

When your daughter is old enough to take care of herself she always has the option to pursue a relationship with her father. I would move to the other side of the country if I had to in order to keep my daughter safe from a man who might sexually abuse her.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:22:47 PM

As far as the safety of your daughter goes, you said he was sexually abusive to "you" when he was drunk. Which is a bad thing yes! But that in no way make him the perv or pedophile as so many are making reference to. That makes him an abusive drunk. Meaning he needs to be kept away from a bottle not his child.

I don't equate the two but my concern here would be that with her not there, if he was drunk and out of control enough to sexually abuse the woman, while he might not sexually abuse his daughter what other behavior would he be so tanked he probably would not even remember? If someone is going to sexually abuse his spouse when drunk it is not too difficult to imagine some other type of violence.
 FastReb
Joined: 1/3/2009
Msg: 31
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:17:19 PM
Check with a local lawyer. They'll be able to advise you on what would probably be the father's chances of getting visitation.

Secondly, make a journal. Try to remember all the dates when he became intoxicated and abusive. If you can show the court that he regularly gets intoxicated, or even just abusive, the court could order supervised visitation until he proves himself.

In my case, my ex proved my case for me when she was in the courtroom. Everytime we were there, she was glaring at me. The judge picked up on that, and with other testimony about her temper, even from her own mother, the ex was ordered to attend anger management classes and have supervised visitation.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 38
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/18/2009 8:15:16 AM
Becky child support is not about you so much, but about BOTH parents supporting a child they brought into the world.

I have read threads before about having the fathers rights removed, at this point what is the difference, unless you have someone you are going to marry, and he wants to adopt your child???

It is a whole lot of paper work, that would probably be tossed, because a judge would not see any point in taking a fathers rights away just because.

As another poster said visitation and child support are two different things. A guy that hasn't been in the picture for two years will not automatically get visitation for over nite, or with out supervision to start out with anyways. Next it generally is a process, as to having visitation at a designated place for a few hours, and this has to be followed through at a minimum of 80%, if not then they don't change from supervised.. I don't know how old this chap is, but he doesn't sound like the type to keep up with the program.

As well the issue of sexual abuser... Is he a registered sexual abuser, because other wise that is a pretty extreme accusation to have to try and prove. If he isn't and it isn't about the money, then why not leave sleeping dogs lie? He''s not bothering you or your child, so why do anything???

I had two daughters that dad wasn't involved in their life... They both have gone to college, oldest is graduated with a bachelors, then went back for an AA in a different field... 2nd is a premed student, and she was a handful as a teen... Well actually her whole life, she managed to keep me well on my toes...

Dad he never followed through with ONE visit let alone anything else... most the time he dodged child support, so really it wasn't that big of a deal.

If he was a stand up guy, I would say make it a point to have him in her life, but if he is not, then she will NOT benefit from him being around...

These are things I suggest you think about, then go to a legal advocacy child support group to get information in your state what the laws are and what would be best.

Good luck

PS, just read the battle between the Rock and my I... I am slightly offended to think you boys think ALL women jump on the band wagon and say that we are only appeasing and or agreeing with the OP...Especially about the sexual abuse allegation. In my post I ask the questions as to if this is documented or just what she experienced. I agree, because him as a drunk roughing up a gf sexually can be considered differently, than sexually abusing a child...

She didn't leave, or report the fact, thus it comes as strictly her word against his...

However that doesn't mean the man will automatically get full unsupervised visitation rights as someone that has been in the childs life from birth.

I take the perspective that if the boat isn't rocking, why rock it and flip it over.. It has NOTHING to do with her allegations of sexual abuse, but rather if the guy wanted to be a father he would come around. If not, and she doesn't need the money, nor wants the to face the fear of her child being injured because he is an alcoholic, then why make an issue...

Sadly that takes away from the child, because she does have a right for support from both parents, and if she doesn't need the money she can put it in the bank for her daughters future education.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 41
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Difficult decision and wondering if anyone has had/have to make it
Posted: 2/19/2009 10:48:19 AM
Pretty buttons sad story indeed...

Actually a mediator is NOT ALLOWED to give legal advice. That is why it is never wise to try and handle this kind of stuff yourself.... I'm finishing my bachelors, and one of my current classes is mediation...

OP heed the advice of Buttons about getting legal advice... You have no choice, because trying to represent yourself without fully knowing all the laws for this kind of issue only leaves you dependent on someone else having mercy on you...

There are some very judgmental people, and most are NOT willing to risk giving unsolicited advice to someone that can turn around and sue them if things don't work out...

A paralegal CAN NOT give out legal advice, that is unauthorized practice of the law, so if you have questions make sure an attorney that has YOUR interest in mind... An attorney called a "guardian ad litum" can and in the case of visitation disputes usually is assigned to your child... This attorney is NOT representing you or your ex but your child...They will NOT give you legal advice, because that would go against them being unbiased towards either parties... This attorneys only interest is for your child...

Believe me, went through that, and that is how the visitation schedule was set up with my oldest... Fortunately he was only interested in seeing me, and when the visitations were to be held else where, he never visited...
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