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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?      Home login  
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 Bob_49
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 1
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Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

I have seen on here so many being overly cautious in taking that first step to dating again. If they do meet someone they don't follow through or keep dating others just in case. Has fear held you back from finding your true love?

What form do you feel perfect love needs to overcome your past.

Live, laugh, love. Life is good.
 tam879
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 2
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Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 2/22/2009 3:56:53 PM
I have to wonder if I have a fear of rejection, and not finding a true relationship again. Never had a real relationship till about 2 years ago and it only lasted 14 months. But I did have one and I had no fear of feeling for that person. Now, I am not sure how to feel towards another person. I`ve met other people but mostly I would say that I wasn`t comfortable.
I look on this site and I just can`t seem to IM people anymore I also think that I lost my confidence but I`m not sure.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 3
Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 2/22/2009 3:57:10 PM
The only perfect love is God's love.
The rest of us are human, with our faults, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, flaws, hopes, fears, emotions, and imperfections. Real love is having the maturity to forgive these imperfections .
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 4
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Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 2/22/2009 4:27:12 PM

The rest of us are human, with our faults, strengths, weaknesses, dreams, flaws, hopes, fears, emotions, and imperfections. Real love is having the maturity to forgive these imperfections .

Well said; I'm finding your posts often resonate with me Landra.

I think it is our job to face our fears and grow as best we can. I do think some of our most important or profound growth comes from relating to the other ... because that person knows us better than most others and, if nothing else, is in a unique position to get the best and worst - most human - of us.

I like what Rumi had to say about it:
"Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it."
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 5
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Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 2/22/2009 4:43:47 PM
op, you say....

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
I have seen on here so many being overly cautious in taking that first step to dating again. If they do meet someone they don't follow through or keep dating others just in case. Has fear held you back from finding your true love?
What form do you feel perfect love needs to overcome your past.

random thoughts - I do not use the bible personally to teach me about love or fear. I do not agree with any part of the biblical quote.

true love, perfect love....imo these terms are quite personal and subjective in meaning....for what is perfect for one might not be for another....and what you might perceive as fear might not be the other's truth at all....

to me perfect love brings up thoughts of divine love - unconditional love - love we hope or strive to find within ourselves for our Selves, and only then can we give and receive it to and from others.....without any conditions....or so I believe.
also I believe any love that is tied to conditions is not 'perfect'......

nor do I believe love erradicates fear.....they are separate things....love to me is divine, fear is not....not dependent on each other. like kimbo says, except for fear when one is in danger, i believe most fear is 'man made', created in one's mind or illusions in the moment and not real.

i do not have a need to overcome my past...quite the opposite....i see my past as my treasure of life experience, even the most painful and fear filled times.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 6
Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 2/22/2009 6:15:57 PM
Personally I hate when people misquote the Bible to make a point (can you say blackmail?). The perfect love referred to in this quote is God's love. Speaking of how people love is quite another story because, as has been brought up by other posters, people are not perfect.

Yes, fear holds me back.

Fear of not being able to meet another person's expectation.
Fear of letting someone down.
Fear of wanting more than being wanted.
Fear of caring more than being care about.
Fear of committing more than being committed to.
Fear of finding out the person I thought was worthy of love was an illusion.
Fear of being left.

"What form do you feel perfect love needs to overcome your past."

Ahh... There is the real question. Here is my answer:

Acceptance - If I do not feel accepted how can I want to explore anything other than a superficial relationship with said person?
Honesty - does this really need to be explained?
Respect - I need to be able to respect that person.
Consistent and trustworthy- that person needs to be someone I can count on.
Emotionally available and able to communicate - how can I be open with someone who is not?
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 7
Does fear hold us back from a true relationship?
Posted: 3/15/2009 2:16:07 AM
I'm not surprised that those who are supportive of the Bible are able to see Love and Fear as mutual emotions, connected to each other.

Most Christian leading's survival and the continuance of the Bible itself, is based upon the antiquated theory of Father Love and Father Fear, taught from childhood through death. Because of that theory people who are raised in such homes and do not question for themselves the purpose and validity for this... only word I can think of is Brainwashing, would clearly associate the two emotions with each other.

In the Bible there are numerous verses referencing fearing the Father/God, His justice, His vengence, and His punishments should you not do as pleases Him. On the counter point, you're also taught about this loving Father, who loved you SO much that He gave His son for you.


there's a lesson in the Adam and Eve story. Whenever we seek to have what we want, there is a price to pay. Whenever we are selfish, we pay consequences of our selfishness.

So, it does make sense that when we are hurt, we don't wish to be hurt in the same way again. We live and we learn, because we are not *perfect* like god made all the animals (which, to me, are still more perfect than we are - there is so very much more to be learned from animals than human "civilization").


Animals kill each other for their own survival and to satisfy their own inner needs to kill, and to eat. How do you equate that rational with your sentiments about in humans?

Yes, there's a lesson in Adam and Eve, and this makes my point. Their Father gave to them EVERYTHING. But Eve, no wanting to be reliant on anyone but herself for how to think and what to do made her own choice to provide for herself. Animal instictual response to her own hunger? Perhaps.

And they were PUNISHED because they were not obedient to the Father who gave them everything.

Every one of the posters here has a father.
If your Dad gave you everything, put you on an acre of ground and told you that he would take care of everything for you, what to do, how to think, what to eat, and what not to - and the only thing you had to do was listen to him and not touch this one tree...

How long would any of you people do what your Dad told you to? How long would you be content to stay within that one acre? With one other person - not of your choosing but chosen by your Dad and placed there with you...

The Bible is a story book. Written thousands of years ago, by journalists wearing turbans, riding on camels, smoking opium and snorting myrh, pounding their "visions" on stone, in a language and dialect that has been gone from history for thousands of years.

How do you know for certain that what you read, have been taught, memorize and rely on to save your soul - is anything remotely like what those authors of fiction and journalists wrote is what you were intended to base your life and your choices upon?

Perhaps the authors wrote for the equivilent of the National Enquirer? Perhaps they were Babalonia's TMZ? Maybe they WERE CNN or MSN how do YOU know?

You don't.

Now before I get beat by the Bible vigilantes...be aware, I was raised in the Church. I studied theology for YEARS, including an intense 3 year study of the Bible. Verse by verse. Dialect and translations of all tribes, nations and years. So, I do know of what I speak.

OT - fear and love have no place abiding together in an adult relationship. But I think what the OP is asking is why do we hesitate to embrace love, out of a sense of fear. Or have we ever.

When I was young I embraced love and loving everyone with no hesitation. I was a bubbly, carefree, outgoing child - loving literally everyone that I came upon.

In some manner as an adult I have been able now to learn that not all people are inherently good, and that yes, our world would be perhaps more enjoyable a place if still we could love with out bars and with freedom.

But the wisdom of being an adult cannot be coupled with the notion of fear.

Hesitancy on acting on your impulses because you are a rational and mature adult - do you label that fear? Or is that wisdom?

And at what price?

If you believe in God who guides your heart - do you jump without hesitating? Do you put your faith and trust that He has brought this person to you and no harm will be done to your heart because of it?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 8
Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 3/16/2009 8:54:27 AM
Dude, your approach is a definite recipe for failure. And failure starts by the way we look at the end result. If you seek "Perfect" love. You will never achieve it and thus fall victim of your own benchmark.

If you realize that Love is not perfect, that it can be raw, it can hurt, that you have to work on it, not in words but actions, not once a week but every day, every hour, and it can still be gone because it is not permanent, like a great river it flows, but if its not nurtured it can run dry.

So remove perfect out of the word love, and stick with trying to make yourself lovable, and love will come your way. And don't take anything for granted.
 Bob_49
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 9
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Does fear hold us back from a true realationship?
Posted: 3/22/2009 2:14:05 PM
Fear carries many guises. Fear could be a similarity from an act of your current partner which brings back pains from prior relationships. The situation explodes as you protect yourself from a repeat of the past. Most of the time this is a minor action exaggerated in our mind.

What happens from there is where we start sabotaging the relationship we dream for and have in our hand. We may over react and cause a deep wound to the one we love most, not because of what that one has done but because of the past pain resurfacing from only one its minor pieces. Our partner doesn't and can never know why we reacted as we did. He/she can do no right as we assume the person is going to repeat our past haunts.

After we feel so sorry, but the damage is done. Then the tears, distance and sometimes the recovery.

 greysa
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 10
bout the chicken and the egg lol
Posted: 3/23/2009 2:21:40 AM
egg came first reptiles came first its written in stone lol check it out their called fossils
 Bob_49
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 11
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POF and fear
Posted: 7/15/2009 11:39:52 AM
Ok I stopped sending messages for a while to regroup after my last relationship. One that ended via alcohol (hers) not because the love failed. It was the best relationship of my life and the worst.

I came out again, sent messages, got out to meet people. I was ready to meet someone on here I was communicating with for a couple of weeks then she told me her profile was a fake to catch her boyfriend. She said the picture was of a friend. She still wanted to meet me. At first I thought at least at this point she tried to be honest. After sleeping on it, I knew I could not start anything on a lie. The lie ,the actions would always be there. I did lose alot of trust in the profiles on here.

I met a person yesterday while just enjoying the day that definitely sparked my interest. She admittedly stated it was too new to start something but we shared the day as friends. I think I was more comfortable because she put that boundary up. I realized 2 things. One I'm not immune to feeling that spark again and that I am walking very gingerly in moving forward.

I am an optimist and am going through the motions to socialize. I know it has never been long between good relationships and that they come when they are least expected. At the age of 49, any relationship has to conquer my own fears and work towards reducing the fears of the other even when many are not known.

live, laugh, love. Life is good.


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