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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would you "Marry the ONE you Love" or "Love the ONE you Marry"?      Home login  
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 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Really, I think your mother has a faulty memory or she lived in a strange area where people were marrying for the sake of being married...because romantic marriages have been around for a very very long time and you aren't old enough for your mother to be living in a time when people married or what...died???

People stayed married more often because getting a divorce was harder, women had fewer options/rights and jobs for single women with children didn't pay well enough to raise kids on your own. Also men didn't like having to financially support a stay-at-home mom and kids, they quite often took the road of 'cheaper to keep her' and just had lovers on the side (also other kids on the side).

The reason to get married shouldn't be for romantic love or for forced ownership, it should be because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and if there are children, you both want to raise them together. If you are happy in your marriage, romance and security are outcomes.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 5
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:29:01 PM
Nope...I haven't taken that route and wouldn't. I can't see spending my life with someone in the hopes I would learn to love them. That leaves the door too wide open for the opposite . So what do you do?...spend your life waiting for it to happen?

I don't think it's even a case of people doing that "back in the day". From some of the forum posts, it seems to me that many still do that, the way they go on about expecting to be "looked after". Kinda like, if you look after me well enough, maaaaaybe I'll learn to love you for it. If not, I'll stay with you long enough to find out you don't provide enough, then I'll move on to greener pastures.
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 6
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 3:52:12 PM
Why does anyone need to spend an entire life with anyone? Or have kids for that matter? Also, you don't need to get married to spend your entire life with someone...

It seems that it's all just for emotional and financial stability.

I don't want to get married. However, if I were already married, I would see no reason to seek a divorce. If my relationship had been an arranged marriage, I would say that it was a successful one. Anyone confused yet?

Maybe people should always make life long commitments early on during the lusty days before reality has a chance to set in, and we begin to notice the other one's flaws.
 jugularpot
Joined: 8/8/2007
Msg: 7
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:23:38 PM
I am perhaps an old "romantic" but I believe in being in love with someone. I had an eleven year relationship and sought "marriage guidance" because things were rough even though we were only dating. I married my first love in the hope we would be together forever but it didn't work out. If you love you have everything and cherish it.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 8
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:36:18 PM
Interesting question and starfun77 I think that is a great conversation to have with your mother.

My first marriage was to my first true love and he broke my heart from infidelity. This was a short lived marriage as I had no interest in a man I could not trust.

My second marriage started out great as I believed that I was getting married to my best friend, whom I loved, respected and deeply cared for. I believed I had found the fairy tale. However, I didnt realize until much later that he had lied about many things that were important to me, that earned him my love and respect. Once again my heart was broken and after the kids were grown, I left.

I would not get married for less than love, however I am older, wiser and hope to make a better choice next time. I'm not jaded and truly believe in the power of love and being with the right person is breath taking, or does it take your breath away? I think when you are sizing up each other in a relationship, you really dont understand each other until you have experienced all the different emotions together, such as happy, sad, angry, stress, disagreement and anxiety. I actually look forward to all of these emotions as actions speak louder than words.

I will never give up! I will never judge one man based on a previous relationship, as I am not like any other woman out there, so why would I expect to be judged against the actions of another.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 9
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 9:06:19 PM
BigDaddyJinx, I agree with much of what you said, but you omitted that some people in marriages/relationships stop working at them. Its easy to take someone for granted, or to stop saying and doing things to please and be pleased by each other. I believe that relationships fail because for some its just not worth the work/effort to be happy and make your partner happy.
 electrifying84
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 10
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 9:21:43 PM
I belive you should have almost eveything in common becfore you marry someone., plus know all about them.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 11
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 9:36:30 PM
Jinx - excellent point. When I said "to be happy and make your partner happy" was in reference to common respect. Doing the little things for each other, or phrasing things in a way that will not hurt the other person, such as your example of what you said about your life, in a moment of frustration and weakness. In no way was that comment meant to be about bending over backwards or being taken advantage of by the other person.

I am blessed with a patience for those around me as I try to understand what causes a person to say things that could cut, prior to reacting to their comments/actions. I try and talk things out to get an understanding of their position and find out what caused the frustration to make such a comment. Some people appreciate this and others just dont understand.

I am one of those who work hard in a relationship. I believe that if you spend a great deal of time finding that one special person, the relationship is worth the work to remain happy. I know that there are other factors that cause relationships to fail, but I cannot say that I have been lazy or neglectful to a partner. Just like in business its easier to get new customers than it is to retain the customer base you already have.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 12
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 9:51:36 PM
~OP~ My exhusband had an arranged marriage prior to me. (Yes, it still happens in some cultures even here in America.) He stayed with her until his mother died. Within a few weeks, he filed for divorce. That told me all I needed to know about the "past" and how it was often done. I wouldn't marry again ~ but if I had to choose? I'd have to love the person I'd be marrying.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 13
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/23/2009 11:34:24 PM
Falling in love indicates that you have no control. You're "falling"- it's about emotions. Feelings. Expecting romantic love to last forever is not realistic.
It's different from entering into a relationship to form a partnership based on common goals and needs (raising children, financial stability, companionship).

The USA divorce rate is nearly 60% . Obviously there's a problem.
 starfun77
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 14
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:08:49 AM
Landra: You are absolutely right! Why would one make a lifetime decision on something that happened without their control (falling in love)? Well, for now, I think its best to marry someone that I have a lot of things in common (as Landra stated) than in love with. Because I think I'll last longer with someone like that than someone I have fallen in love with. I know from experience that romantic love never last.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 15
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:36:14 AM
Love is different than relationships; I love people I would not be in a relationship with. The key is relating - or so it seems to me.

I do not think people ought to spend their lives with people they do not love anymore than I think people ought to try to be with someone who isn't deeply compatible with them. Beyond that, I think expressing love is a choice you make every morning over coffee.

BigDaddy - the last time I checked statistics, women were (sadly) catching up with men in infidelity... but had not yet surpassed them. But I'm not sure it matters all that much which gender does it more. After all, there are some cultures that accept infidelity and feel it shouldn't interfere with the marriage. Speaks to compatibility again as far as I can see.

Sure, in the past people stayed together - but would we really call what many of them had a successful relationship? If staying together is the goal, yes... if being independently and collectively fulfilled was the measurement, I suspect not.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/24/2009 1:55:33 PM
Doesn't it work better if both things are employed? If we marry someone we love and are smart enough to nurture and protect it, don't you get the same end result with a much better chance of the marriage sticking together than banking on the possibility that you might fall in love? You might love the person, sure, but are you going to be in love with them? I cannot imagine a union lasting very long if there was little to no passion.

I recently saw a movie and intend to read the book, Fireproof. The concept is based on saving an almost dead marriage by one of the parties committing to loving unconditionally and doing certain things for his/her partner for 40 days. The love diary gives the person a different thing to do every day. The person doing it doesn't tell the other person the reasons behind the change in behavior, they just follow the program. It is also tied to religion so I found myself wondering if this would work in a secular application. The success was related to the person really committing and believing in what he/she was doing instead of just going through the motions. When he really meant it, the spouse picked up on it and eventually her heart thawed.

Basically the premise is to decide you are going to love them when you feel like the love has died and what you thought was lost would naturally be rekindled.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/24/2009 3:36:51 PM
Personally, I think I could do either one. I'm a softie, so I think I could love anyone. I can see good things in everyone out there (well, I don't know EVERYONE, and tend to stay away from axe murderers and such , soooo....).

I'm always struck dumb (no comments) when someone that I consider to be a quality man is moaning that he can't "find" a good woman. I'm standing right here!
 Merrylass
Joined: 12/30/2007
Msg: 18
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/25/2009 1:00:12 PM

Really, I think your mother has a faulty memory or she lived in a strange area where people were marrying for the sake of being married..

Apparently you aren't aware that arranged marriages are pretty common in other countries on the planet.
 Listen2hear
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 19
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:32:22 PM
People marry for different reasons. The notion of marrying for love is a concept from very recent history. Prior to that a woman would marry a man who was a good provider and who could sire children. A man married a woman for her beauty, companionship and her ability to keep a home and bear him children. It is certainly possible to grow to love someone. Love means different things to different people. For some it is financial security for others it is the promise of a consistent sex life. Others long for companionship and for an antidote to loneliness. There is no guarantee that love will produce a marriage long-lasting happiness. Love may grow and love may die. A task oriented relationship such as your Mother speaks of may not be the most romantic but in some ways it has the potential to be more enduring. How many relationships start despite the fact that the two people involved did not initially feel they were each-other's "type"? No matter how much love there is in a relationship, tolerance, forgiveness and patience can never be too plentiful.
 starfun77
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 20
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/27/2009 8:21:39 AM

Love her BEFORE I marry her

..and what happens if the love wanes? We all know ..divorce!


I think this kind of 'marriage' was easier to pull off when 'community' was smaller. People usually married people their family knew etc...values and life goals were similar just because these people socialized in relatively the same circles.


I think those days were better because so far it seems that more options hasnt generated better offers or made us make better choices..


They succeed because they, as you put it, chose to love the one they married.
So, why not marry the one you love AND choose to love the one you marry? It seems like that would make success rates soar!


Excellent point except that
Falling in love indicates that you have no control. You're "falling"- it's about emotions. Feelings.
.... it is more likely to fall in love with someone you cannot tolerate on a longer term basis. "Falling in love" has always been known to be a short-term phenomenon.

I think reading from the responses here, I now believe it is better to marry with your "head" than your heart. The heart is a funny organ to start with.. :)
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/27/2009 8:41:31 AM
listen2hear: Prior to that a woman would marry a man who was a good provider
============
GOLD-DIGGERS!!!

I blame feminists for women wanting to--and having the choice to-- marry for love now.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 22
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 2/27/2009 10:26:33 AM
I'm not going to marry anyone and avoid the whole dilemma.
 Jeweldancer
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 23
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:37:19 AM
I believe like a fine wine....good things take time to mature....
 Listen2hear
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 24
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:22:56 AM
CassaGo,

Please do not blame the messenger. I was just pointing out what sociologists have already revealed to us. I am in total agreement of your assessment. Having one's cake and eating it certainly applies here. In fact, one book that catapulted me into a new level of awareness about the hypocrisy of the feminist movement and how it negatively effects male/female relations is entitled: "Why Men Are The Way They Are" by Doctor Warren Farrell. It should be required reading for men and women alike. I applaud you for possessing an advanced level of awareness. Bravo!
 Cogie36
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 25
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:23:10 AM
I was always told you marry the first time for love and the second time for money....

Lucky for you guys I dont plan on marrying a second time
 starfun77
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 26
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 3/7/2009 6:11:16 PM
Sincere4unow:

Wow...you do have a lot to say. Were you hurt that bad?
For starters, I dont even understand what love is. Is seem to change depending on who you ask..and even then depending on their situation (single or attached etc).
So I guess, I better marry for something else other than love...
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 27
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Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 3/7/2009 8:56:52 PM
I would love the person who loves and cherish me, but naaah,, I am not the marrying kind...
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 28
Would you Marry the ONE you Love or Love the ONE you Marry?
Posted: 12/10/2009 1:00:40 PM

You must fall in love with the person before you get married, there is no other way around it
. It doesnt always work that way. Ask the participants of "arranged marriages"! And those ones these days seem to last longer than the "fall in love first" marriages.
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