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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
Post-rejection friendshipPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
It's possible that a woman may enjoy your company but realize there's no attraction or chance for dating. At that point, she will usually offer friendship because that's what's going on for her. It's not usually done to make you feel bad, but genuine.

It's not about judging, control, power or humiliation. It's a simple offer from someone who doesn't have feelings for you that match yours. That's not her fault, it is what it is. Would you rather she date you until someone she really likes comes along? Of course not.

The first thing that would come to my mind is their reason for putting me in the insignificant, wimpy little friend zone is that's all I'm worth. I want to be worth more, if not to that crush, then to someone better anyway.

Why you'd find it offensive that someone thought you were friendship material is beyond me. If you can't be friends with a woman because you like her too much - then it's your choice to accept such a friendship. If you don't then tell her you don't wish to and why (yeah tell her why - big deal, lose your ego). Making her out to be the bad guy because the attraction wasn't there thru no fault of hers is sort of - well sour grapes.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/26/2009 7:14:28 PM

No, she's not the bad guy, but how do I become the bad guy by refusing the friendship? I am offended by feeling invalidated, like she's on the mountaintop and I'm in the sewer.

Did you explain why you didn't want to accept the friendship, or did you use the tactic that you're not low enough to take it? That could explain the reaction.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/28/2009 3:59:15 PM
My particular situations are history anyway, and my original intention was to see if others have been through what I have been through and felt what I felt. In the last situation I was in, I just decided to withdraw from the person instead of leading her on and making her think everything was OK. That was 2 years ago now.

Fair enough. I agree that if you are interested in more and cannot get around that then friendship isn't going to work for you. I just don't think it should be a situation where you think someone isn't attracted to you on purpose or offers friendship to bust balls. They are just in a place where they don't see you in any other way, but can still like you as a person and think you are fun to hang out with.

If I like a guy and he's not into me I can actually move on from it and flip the switch because I know it's not personal to me, I know not all can do that, but I do tend to think from where I am at and forget that, so when I offer friendship it's cause I assume they can just shrug and get past it since it's not personal to them.

It's up to someone who can't do this to admit they can't and say no - and explain why. It's not that big a deal.
 rainman12
Joined: 10/18/2007
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/12/2009 8:02:54 PM

Why not wish her well (and mean it) and go on your way. I don't think trying to be friends with her would be a good idea but ... not for your reasons.

Trying to be friends with a female that you desire ..... is self destructive


Bang on Ron.

Been there, done that and it's never been a good outcome. Mostly it's that they weren't even sincere in staying friends and we've parted ways not long after anyway. Some friends huh?
 mastero207
Joined: 10/21/2008
Msg: 33
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/24/2009 7:05:29 PM
well look at it this way
she/he say lets be friends
you say that's cool what does the word friendship mean to u
then start your relationship from there
this way you have no pressure on either fisher
it seem to work and your not only making a female or male friend but you get to understand he or she has in mind and
where he or she stand on your date
and remember looks arent everything


 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/25/2009 5:59:16 AM

Had a similar situation. Two men vying my attention and one winning and the other po'ed.
The key for the winner was his attentiveness...the so called freind sat back and I wasn't about to chase anyone. The man who made the most effort won...just something to think about.

The one with the most intent turned out to be the flake, but buddy who never showed his intent still holds little desire.

Maybe get honest


This may be your experience, but I assure you, this experience does not hold true throughout the spectrum.

Some women are completely turned off by a guy putting in the extra effort. Other women will ultimately pick the guy that has the same personality as all their other exes because they're in a repeating cycle of self-loathing. There are those that will pick based on certain physical factors like distance or appearance. Then others just like the attention of having multiple guys wanting to date them at once.

It really is a craps shoot in the end, unless you know the person really well.
 ghostrider73a7x
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 44
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/17/2009 6:52:21 PM

Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?


I had been through this B.S. plenty of times too. The last woman I had dated that had decided to "friend" me, I told her "If im not good enough to be your boyfriend then you are certainly not good enough to be my "friend".
 ghostrider73a7x
Joined: 7/27/2009
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/18/2009 12:02:27 AM

Since when does chemistry equal worth?
A person may be wonderful companionship, share many interests and be very loyal. That doesn't guarantee anything romantic. It's not a question of whether or not someone is 'good enough'. It's whether or not the attraction on that level is mutual. If it's not, is it the other person's fault?

So if you get considered a friend instead of a date, you think the one who wants the friendship is shallow and wrong?

Why?

As I've said, nobody is obligated to like anybody else as a partner or anything .. but to take it as an insult is so immature, I can't believe you got this far in life with any connections at all. Just wish them well and move on, for Smurf's sake!


How would you take it when someone had told you that I just want to be friends because you are not good enough? Then her not being there after I had my surgery, like she had promised? That is why I have a different opinion about "getting friended". When you get lied too a lot, & put down, your opinion will change.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 51
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:26:21 PM
Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?

Your stance is in the wrong mindset.

It's not about who deserves what, it's about the fact that she has no attraction to you (which no one is to blame for) but likes you as a person. It's not an insult that someone enjoys you as a person if they don't want to sleep with you. I can personally stay friends with a guy who's not interested in me in the same way I am him - some people CAN do that and get past it.

If you can't be friends with someone you have interest in, then tell her exactly that. You can't stay friends with her as you will always want more...so you will have to decline her offer. She's not asking you to be her friend to hurt you on purpose, she either thinks you are adult enough to be able to handle it (or be straight about it if you can't), or she means "friendship" as "non romantically oriented".
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 54
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:41:17 AM

I'd like for all my friends to be happy. It's just that I'd rather not hear about her dates when down deep I want to be that guy. The "Friendship" usually is viewed by the guy it's being offered to as a consolation prize of sorts.

There, I fixed it. How you feel about the offer isn't necessarily the purpose of the offer. At least be honest about it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:18:24 PM
^^^Can't a man just say that they can't remain friends when they have romantic interest because it's difficult to switch gears or watch someone they are into date other people? It's better than claiming she doesn't "deserve" your friendship, or that she's trying to make you take second place in an invisible contest she's not conducting. Sounds defensive...people who aren't attracted to us don't plan it that way, nor do we plan to be unattractive to everyone we encounter.

Since no one's at fault, why pout or become defensive about it? It's slightly personal, but it ain't THAT big a deal. People are unmatched for romance a million times a day.

ProdigalSon I wasn't addressing you personally with the whole post, I was asking the men (and whatever women have gone through that's similar) in general.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 67
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 7/5/2010 10:08:52 AM
^^^With me (if I offer friendship that is) it's that everything but attraction is there. I get along with the guy or share his sense of humor or we have a common interest - I just don't find him physically attractive for the most part. To me that's not a black and white thing.

However if a guy is unable to be friends with me because he is attracted and can't get around that then I also understand. I can stay friends with a guy who's not mutually attracted to me, but I'm wired differently I guess so that's fine. The only thing that irks me is a guy who either accepts friendship with a motive of future involvement or takes a tantrum over the offer as if I were asking for him to remove a limb.

Saying straight out to a woman that you'd rather not stay friends her because it's upsetting with the ongoing attraction isn't the end of the world. Don't look at it like she's doing it to get one over on you or get anything from you because you didn't end up dating her. It's kind of immature. Just respectfully decline the offer.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/28/2010 9:19:59 AM

Post break up friendship can only really work on one side. The side that does the break up, in my opinion. I've seen this with my friends, and they only get upset with the ex starts seeing other people.

I have seen one couple get back together, but it wasnt easy at the start.

I thought this was about initial rejection, not someone you used to date. If it's someone you don't know, I don't see how it would bother you who they date. It's not like you have a history to get past.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 70
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:30:46 AM
I'll probably get slammed for this, but I think that many times a woman's friendships are more cherished and deeper than many men's friendships. It's not meant to be a negative thing to be asked to be a woman's friend. It's really actually quite a compliment that she wants you in her life. For example, if I am a close friend of another woman, that means a LOT to me, and that friendship is nurtured and maintained by both sides even if or when that woman gets married. I think it's much more difficult to maintain a close friendship with a man when he gets married. I think some men even have trouble maintaining their guy friendships when they are married. So it's even harder if you are a single woman and your guy friend is married. In general, friendships mean a lot to most women. It's not about deserving to be a boyfriend. Two people are either a match or not, and that romantic match is an extremely rare thing (and you only get to have one). I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.

I'm going through something right now - I am more hurt by the fact that my ex is not ready to be friends (yet). I miss his company, and admit I would probably still have romantic feelings for him if we spent time together, but to me, I'm willing to put up with that. Of course him deciding that I wasn't the right match for him did hurt, but I find it more rejecting that he doesn't even want me in his life as a friend. I would much rather be asked to be his friend, than to be purposely avoided, even though I was the rejected one, and I still desire him.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 71
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 7:26:48 AM

I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.

That's really it, DG - how important friendship is to the respective party. Sometimes friendship is a better offer, but I guess some will never see it that way.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 72
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:46:06 PM
At this point in my life, I pretty much have the friends I need as far as real life, if I meet new ones great, but if I find myself attracted to a woman and the feeling are not reciprocated, then I just move on down the road. No harm, no foul. Just as she realy owes me nothing as far as a reason, I have no commitment to hang around. I see no reason to hate on her, if paths cross, always cordial, but all the I love you like a brother crap is for some other sap.

It sems like the general concesus is, alot of women want the rejected to stay in there life in some demeanial capacity. For no other reason than to bath in their admiration from time to time. All this crap that it is an honor for the woman to want the guy in her life because she values the "Friendship" oh so much, even more so than a relationship, as posted above, is bull as well. I would think in a true relationship, you would be best friends. Duh.

It is a solid conviction of mine, let the guy getting the goodies be her BFF. Let him fill the voids in time when her SO doesn't want to be with her, listen to the sob stories, fix her car, house, etc.

Not to say I have no female friends, well I would say more aquiantances, becaused the are not people I would call up to hang with, but rather bump into from time to time.

I have read a lot of profiles that say they have a lot of male friends, what they really have are a lot of guys waiting for their shot. Another reason why any man worth his weight in salt will not want to hang around, he knows what's up, even if she is oblivious to the fact.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 73
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:59:24 PM
I'm with WIP on this one. "Meaningful" is the key word. What does "meaningful" mean to you, and do you REALLY want to hang out with a guy you're crushing on, while he's with somebody else, or having to explain to a guy YOU'RE with that you want to hang out with a guy your still crushing on?

I don't know why you're with me on this since it's not what my point was. I'd stay friends with a guy who wasn't interested in me - there's a time after an actual relationship where staying friends isn't the best especially for the person who got broken up with, but once you're past that there's no reason you can't shelve all that and maintain a friendship with someone who you care about, admire, respect and get along with otherwise.

But we're talking about an offer of friendship after expressing interest in a person you've not dated and have no history with. In that case I can easily get past attraction and retain friendship if someone makes a good friend, that is. It's easy enough to shift focus. Someone who's not into me isn't my type anyway, so there's no downside or loss to that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:33:23 PM

That's my point, WIP. What IS a "good friend" to somebody? I think people are walking around with different definitions of friendship. I don't know what it is about some of the posters here, but some folks seem to view actual friendships like "Facebook in 3D" or something.
There's a limit to how many TRUE friends you can have, because there's only so much time available to devote to them. Acquaintances? No problem. Congenial co-workers, classmates, neighbors, gym partners, etc? All good. TRUE friends?

Maybe not true friends in the sense of you'll know for 40 years, but people who are interesting and worth knowing beyond your romantic attraction.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that even you maintain a TRUE friendship with every guy who's ever hit on you, even if you "care about, admire, respect and get along with him otherwise."

Actually I was talking about a guy I was interested in offering ME friendship, and saying that if he was someone I considered worth being friends with, that would be more important than him not being mutually attracted. HOWEVER, if I was getting to know a guy that I decided I wasn't THAT into or didn't want to date seriously - I have offered friendship based on us hanging out together and getting along great or having fun hanging out. He's of course free to decline that offer, just as I would decline a friendship offered to me if I felt I didn't want to accept.

The kicker line for me in your post however...

That means that if I have interest in a guy and discover it's not mutual then it's a wash because a requirement for me to date someone is mutual attraction. I can't consider a guy who's not into me, so there's no loss or reason to hang onto that. Therefore if he offers friendship I can switch gears, see him as just a friend and look elsewhere without a lot of drama because he's not attracted to me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:04:41 PM

Thats like ordering pizza and having the pizza delivery person show up to your door with no pizza and say "...but i DO have some awesome breathmints with me.. it's just as good. doesn't everyone love breathmints?"

we didn't order breathmints!

This is why making your own pizza instead of trying to get it somewhere else avoids any issues. You can eat it when you want, you don't have to share, and you know what you're getting.
 brunediddy
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 80
view profile
History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:51:05 AM
ill sum this up in a sentence.

If your the one who ended things... then friendship is all good, but if you got dumped...this is not cool at all lol.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 81
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:40:01 AM

So you're saying we should just date ourselves...

brilliant.

Close. I'm saying that we shouldn't expect others to bring us, well, whatever - entertainment, happiness, worthiness, a sex life, whatever. You leave that stuff up to others, and it's very possible it won't go the way you hope it will - even when you think you're being clear when ordering it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 82
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:59:27 AM

Close. I'm saying that we shouldn't expect others to bring us, well, whatever - entertainment, happiness, worthiness, a sex life, whatever. You leave that stuff up to others, and it's very possible it won't go the way you hope it will - even when you think you're being clear when ordering it.

Yep, some people "need" no one for anything (at least that's what they claim ~ may be the way they have trained themself, may be true, I dunno!) Yet, I have to disagree with at least one point here. Sex life? Well, I suppose it's highly probably many of us have sex entirely alone a lot more often than with someone else, but it is a tad more enjoyable with another party (or two/more depending on personal preferences!) For the vast majority of us, I think we'd like to have sex with someone else, and that might mean? Oh no! We need someone else. ****shrug****

~OT~ I like my post-relationship friendships. They know me, I know them. Makes it very simple to converse, laugh, share things with or just to know that someone out there is thinking of you on your birthday or whatever. Yep, there are some perks with staying friends with someone you found valuable enough to forge a relationship with. JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 10:09:47 AM
^^^I didn't mention the word "need" in any of that. And of course it's great to have sex - and have it with someone else. Just don't count on them to bring you pizza when you REALLY want it - they might bring you egg salad instead. If you want pizza, then make it or accept that sometimes you don't get what you order. You don't have to like it, but you should acknowledge that all doesn't unfold exactly as it should - or as we think it should.

Most of my post was about expecting anyone else to bring you anything that will make you happy. Sure, it's great when it happens - and it's appreciated, but it's the word "expect" I was going for here. Not a lot of good comes from "expecting" - at least from anyone but yourself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 87
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 10/1/2010 11:08:52 AM
I don't know - I guess I never have hard feeling with exes, as most of my breakups have tended to be mutual. Since I usually start as friends with someone, it makes sense that we'd go back to being friends with the knowledge that dating isn't for us. We both move on but may keep in touch or hang out once in a while.

It makes less sense to stay friends with someone you don't know well or were never friends with, actually. It's still not impossible though.

Of course if it's that painful to hang around with someone who broke it off with you, I guess avoiding it would be best.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 88
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 10/1/2010 11:44:46 AM
i dont' understand how the "friends" thing is sooo difficult.

"friends" means "don't stalk me, harrass me or bother me"

if you see me in town- we can be nice and cordial to each other- but its time to move on...

guaranteed that most folks, if the dumpee actually tried to be "friends" and remain in contact as a friend- at some point...the dumper will be like "move on- i don't want you to call me anymore...I really didn't mean 'active friends'"

just saying.
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