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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Post-rejection friendshipPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Post break up friendship can only really work on one side. The side that does the break up, in my opinion. I've seen this with my friends, and they only get upset with the ex starts seeing other people.

I have seen one couple get back together, but it wasnt easy at the start.

I thought this was about initial rejection, not someone you used to date. If it's someone you don't know, I don't see how it would bother you who they date. It's not like you have a history to get past.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 70
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:30:46 AM
I'll probably get slammed for this, but I think that many times a woman's friendships are more cherished and deeper than many men's friendships. It's not meant to be a negative thing to be asked to be a woman's friend. It's really actually quite a compliment that she wants you in her life. For example, if I am a close friend of another woman, that means a LOT to me, and that friendship is nurtured and maintained by both sides even if or when that woman gets married. I think it's much more difficult to maintain a close friendship with a man when he gets married. I think some men even have trouble maintaining their guy friendships when they are married. So it's even harder if you are a single woman and your guy friend is married. In general, friendships mean a lot to most women. It's not about deserving to be a boyfriend. Two people are either a match or not, and that romantic match is an extremely rare thing (and you only get to have one). I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.

I'm going through something right now - I am more hurt by the fact that my ex is not ready to be friends (yet). I miss his company, and admit I would probably still have romantic feelings for him if we spent time together, but to me, I'm willing to put up with that. Of course him deciding that I wasn't the right match for him did hurt, but I find it more rejecting that he doesn't even want me in his life as a friend. I would much rather be asked to be his friend, than to be purposely avoided, even though I was the rejected one, and I still desire him.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 71
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 7:26:48 AM

I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.

That's really it, DG - how important friendship is to the respective party. Sometimes friendship is a better offer, but I guess some will never see it that way.
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 72
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:46:06 PM
At this point in my life, I pretty much have the friends I need as far as real life, if I meet new ones great, but if I find myself attracted to a woman and the feeling are not reciprocated, then I just move on down the road. No harm, no foul. Just as she realy owes me nothing as far as a reason, I have no commitment to hang around. I see no reason to hate on her, if paths cross, always cordial, but all the I love you like a brother crap is for some other sap.

It sems like the general concesus is, alot of women want the rejected to stay in there life in some demeanial capacity. For no other reason than to bath in their admiration from time to time. All this crap that it is an honor for the woman to want the guy in her life because she values the "Friendship" oh so much, even more so than a relationship, as posted above, is bull as well. I would think in a true relationship, you would be best friends. Duh.

It is a solid conviction of mine, let the guy getting the goodies be her BFF. Let him fill the voids in time when her SO doesn't want to be with her, listen to the sob stories, fix her car, house, etc.

Not to say I have no female friends, well I would say more aquiantances, becaused the are not people I would call up to hang with, but rather bump into from time to time.

I have read a lot of profiles that say they have a lot of male friends, what they really have are a lot of guys waiting for their shot. Another reason why any man worth his weight in salt will not want to hang around, he knows what's up, even if she is oblivious to the fact.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 73
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:59:24 PM
I'm with WIP on this one. "Meaningful" is the key word. What does "meaningful" mean to you, and do you REALLY want to hang out with a guy you're crushing on, while he's with somebody else, or having to explain to a guy YOU'RE with that you want to hang out with a guy your still crushing on?

I don't know why you're with me on this since it's not what my point was. I'd stay friends with a guy who wasn't interested in me - there's a time after an actual relationship where staying friends isn't the best especially for the person who got broken up with, but once you're past that there's no reason you can't shelve all that and maintain a friendship with someone who you care about, admire, respect and get along with otherwise.

But we're talking about an offer of friendship after expressing interest in a person you've not dated and have no history with. In that case I can easily get past attraction and retain friendship if someone makes a good friend, that is. It's easy enough to shift focus. Someone who's not into me isn't my type anyway, so there's no downside or loss to that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:33:23 PM

That's my point, WIP. What IS a "good friend" to somebody? I think people are walking around with different definitions of friendship. I don't know what it is about some of the posters here, but some folks seem to view actual friendships like "Facebook in 3D" or something.
There's a limit to how many TRUE friends you can have, because there's only so much time available to devote to them. Acquaintances? No problem. Congenial co-workers, classmates, neighbors, gym partners, etc? All good. TRUE friends?

Maybe not true friends in the sense of you'll know for 40 years, but people who are interesting and worth knowing beyond your romantic attraction.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that even you maintain a TRUE friendship with every guy who's ever hit on you, even if you "care about, admire, respect and get along with him otherwise."

Actually I was talking about a guy I was interested in offering ME friendship, and saying that if he was someone I considered worth being friends with, that would be more important than him not being mutually attracted. HOWEVER, if I was getting to know a guy that I decided I wasn't THAT into or didn't want to date seriously - I have offered friendship based on us hanging out together and getting along great or having fun hanging out. He's of course free to decline that offer, just as I would decline a friendship offered to me if I felt I didn't want to accept.

The kicker line for me in your post however...

That means that if I have interest in a guy and discover it's not mutual then it's a wash because a requirement for me to date someone is mutual attraction. I can't consider a guy who's not into me, so there's no loss or reason to hang onto that. Therefore if he offers friendship I can switch gears, see him as just a friend and look elsewhere without a lot of drama because he's not attracted to me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:04:41 PM

Thats like ordering pizza and having the pizza delivery person show up to your door with no pizza and say "...but i DO have some awesome breathmints with me.. it's just as good. doesn't everyone love breathmints?"

we didn't order breathmints!

This is why making your own pizza instead of trying to get it somewhere else avoids any issues. You can eat it when you want, you don't have to share, and you know what you're getting.
 brunediddy
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 80
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History
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 8:51:05 AM
ill sum this up in a sentence.

If your the one who ended things... then friendship is all good, but if you got dumped...this is not cool at all lol.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 81
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:40:01 AM

So you're saying we should just date ourselves...

brilliant.

Close. I'm saying that we shouldn't expect others to bring us, well, whatever - entertainment, happiness, worthiness, a sex life, whatever. You leave that stuff up to others, and it's very possible it won't go the way you hope it will - even when you think you're being clear when ordering it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 82
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 9:59:27 AM

Close. I'm saying that we shouldn't expect others to bring us, well, whatever - entertainment, happiness, worthiness, a sex life, whatever. You leave that stuff up to others, and it's very possible it won't go the way you hope it will - even when you think you're being clear when ordering it.

Yep, some people "need" no one for anything (at least that's what they claim ~ may be the way they have trained themself, may be true, I dunno!) Yet, I have to disagree with at least one point here. Sex life? Well, I suppose it's highly probably many of us have sex entirely alone a lot more often than with someone else, but it is a tad more enjoyable with another party (or two/more depending on personal preferences!) For the vast majority of us, I think we'd like to have sex with someone else, and that might mean? Oh no! We need someone else. ****shrug****

~OT~ I like my post-relationship friendships. They know me, I know them. Makes it very simple to converse, laugh, share things with or just to know that someone out there is thinking of you on your birthday or whatever. Yep, there are some perks with staying friends with someone you found valuable enough to forge a relationship with. JMO
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/22/2010 10:09:47 AM
^^^I didn't mention the word "need" in any of that. And of course it's great to have sex - and have it with someone else. Just don't count on them to bring you pizza when you REALLY want it - they might bring you egg salad instead. If you want pizza, then make it or accept that sometimes you don't get what you order. You don't have to like it, but you should acknowledge that all doesn't unfold exactly as it should - or as we think it should.

Most of my post was about expecting anyone else to bring you anything that will make you happy. Sure, it's great when it happens - and it's appreciated, but it's the word "expect" I was going for here. Not a lot of good comes from "expecting" - at least from anyone but yourself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 87
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 10/1/2010 11:08:52 AM
I don't know - I guess I never have hard feeling with exes, as most of my breakups have tended to be mutual. Since I usually start as friends with someone, it makes sense that we'd go back to being friends with the knowledge that dating isn't for us. We both move on but may keep in touch or hang out once in a while.

It makes less sense to stay friends with someone you don't know well or were never friends with, actually. It's still not impossible though.

Of course if it's that painful to hang around with someone who broke it off with you, I guess avoiding it would be best.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 88
Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 10/1/2010 11:44:46 AM
i dont' understand how the "friends" thing is sooo difficult.

"friends" means "don't stalk me, harrass me or bother me"

if you see me in town- we can be nice and cordial to each other- but its time to move on...

guaranteed that most folks, if the dumpee actually tried to be "friends" and remain in contact as a friend- at some point...the dumper will be like "move on- i don't want you to call me anymore...I really didn't mean 'active friends'"

just saying.
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