Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 228
What does Friends First really mean?Page 10 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

When I say it I mean I want to build a reporte with someone and get to know them before going out on a serious romantic date. I think that's what most people mean unless they aren't looking for a relationship.


No offense at all, but that and the whole "friends first" concept is laughably ridiculous. Any *healthy* long term relationship that has withstood the test of time has done so because the couple were friends, and they engage in non sexual activities because they enjoy each others company. That sounds like friends to me.

"Friends first" seems like it translates into "I'm going to make us wait for sex as a test, and after (x period of time) if you're still around you may be deemed worthy"

Yeah, pass...
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 229
view profile
History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/19/2015 4:20:17 AM

Here is the funny part when it comes to pay, she almost does this all the time, the person puts the bill on the table, if it's just a paper she will flip it over look at it and just flip it back down, or the check in the booklet she will open it and look at it and close it back in both times she will glance up at me.

Now if i state from before it's going to be two checks she will question me or say you know I don't have the money on me (Well she got her check from the job today) but still.. Now she went for lunch today and she did offer me twice but I turned it down.

Now we were riding down town and she told me about this Brazilian place and I told her I never had Brazilian food before, and she was like OH you can take me to this place for my birthday (next week)




Sounds like she is just taking advantage of your good nature and is having her cake and eating it.

Perhaps her birthday isn't the best time but when you next go for a meal after that before you sit down ask if she has enough money for her meal. If she says no just say we will have to go for something cheaper then. If she asks why you cant pay, say that you thought she just wants to be friends and you will only pay if she wants a relationship. If she can a find a good answer to that I would be surprised.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 230
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 12:29:29 PM

When I say it I mean I want to build a reporte with someone and get to know them before going out on a serious romantic date.

It's common to build rapport with them before going out on a Serious Romantic Date. Friends First does not mean the mere lack of Serious Romanticism, whether used more literally or even in common slang. Otherwise, people would just say "I like to take it slow" or "I don't like to rush things". So why is it that people who Consciously Choose "friends first" don't want to go by those two examples? Because that means there's still 'something' there -- called Obligation, in the back of their mind. They want to role-play as if they're two friends-of-friends who hang out and mingle 1-on-1, not knowing if one likes the other -- when really they chose each other online or at the bar as opposed to other choices. It's so they can go out on other dates with other people, so in order to alleviate or prevent guilt they add the 'f-word' to it all.

But if you are just/merely friends at first, then you can hit on the waitress or invite a gal out while you're out who ya like. Not cool for the FF instigator? Tough. It's the Friends First instigator who's (like a teen) playing with words -- not the person who'd be flirting or getting #s in front of them in response. If it just means "not a serious date" -- then said instigator should have no problem instead using a more clearer "I don't like to rush things" or "I don't like to jump into anything serious" instead.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 231
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 12:42:53 PM
Msg 259:

...she almost does this all the time, the person puts the bill on the table, if it's just a paper she will flip it over look at it and just flip it back down, or the check in the booklet she will open it and look at it and close it back in both times she will glance up at me.


If she has no intention of contributing to the bill, why is she looking at it? If it was me in your position, I would've said "Have you figured out your portion of the bill?", or "Are you picking up the tab? Thanks."




Now if i state from before it's going to be two checks she will question me or say you know I don't have the money on me (Well she got her check from the job today) but still.. Now she went for lunch today and she did offer me twice but I turned it down.


What is she questioning when you mention separate bills? Are you saying she lied about not having the money, when she said she didn't have money to pay her own bill, then later offered to pay for both of you? With friends like that.....(you know the rest). She obviously considers you her sugar daddy, and you're just at the friends only stage. I can't imagine what she would want if you were to actually date her.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 232
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 1:54:00 PM
Yeah I would be curious what she would have to say about that
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 233
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:12:30 PM
5 months and no a$$? No thanks!!

You guys are friends.

I do not touch a bill unless I am paying it or contributing to it. Why the heck would I touch it and put it back, like what is that? Sounds like she's keeping tabs on how much you are spending....I'm not sure about the reward though.

If she cannot afford to pay for the dates, you may be getting into dangerous territory. Can she really not afford it or it's just that she rather destine her money to something else? I always carry at least $300 when I go on a date. What if my date left his wallet in his car? what if the card is declined? what if he walks out? what if he needs help paying the bill? what if he orders something he can't afford and wants to stick me with the bill? what if I want is the most expensive thing on the menu? I'm not gonna let him pay for that, lol. What if we agree on buying a bottle of wine? In NYC, most bottles of wine are super expensive at restaurants. I've already been on 2 first dates in which they chose to order a bottle of wine and although they paid without flinching, I knew the bill was close to $200.

Many a times, it was their fault the bill surpassed $100, I don't feel responsible for it if he intentionally/unintentionally spikes the bill by ordering drinks or a bottle of wine. I don't surpass 2 drinks if I even choose to drink, and if they have cider beer on tap or bottle (except for Magners), I'll often go for the beer instead of the mixed drink.

In your case, paying a $14 toll because she couldn't afford it, you pay for most dates because she can't afford it.....please don't create things she cannot afford either...like a baby. Let's not enrich the statistics.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 234
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:50:03 PM

…when you next go for a meal after that before you sit down ask if she has enough money for her meal. If she says no just say we will have to go for something cheaper then. If she asks why you cant pay, say that you thought she just wants to be friends and you will only pay if she wants a relationship. If she can a find a good answer to that I would be surprised.


So….you recommend humiliation and blackmail? Doesn’t sound like a “friend” to me, and certainly no kind of a boyfriend.


If she has no intention of contributing to the bill, why is she looking at it? If it was me in your position, I would've said "Have you figured out your portion of the bill?", or "Are you picking up the tab? Thanks."


What is with all the passive/aggressive advice for and behavior from the OP? Maleman, you’re a grown ass man. Do you set up women this way? Wait until you’re at the restaurant, then humiliate her? Is there a reason why you and so many other guys it seems, are incapable of communicating with women, or your dates, as to your expectations and hers? What are you afraid of?

You guys seem to thrive on inventing deceptive ways to hurt this woman…is that what you want OP? For everyone to pat your little head and say, “poor you,” and devise ways to trash this girl? Why don’t you leave her alone? Between this thread and the other one you seem to have determined that this woman is not behaving the way you’ve tried to manipulate her into behaving; you’ve trashed her on two threads now so you obviously don’t care about her, so why don’t you break it off with her for good.

Man it up and SAY SO. Your sneaky sniveling behavior is very unattractive. I’m sure if she knew the things you’ve been saying about her on here she’d have no problem letting you off the hook forever.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 235
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 5:48:10 PM
Shes said smart things at the table while eating, I was mad enough to walk right out and leave her but I have a heart so I did not.. her reaction about this thread would not really bother her, maybe for the first 24 hours but she will get over it like the last time, if I did not have to snoop for info I would not have to feel this way.

I'm only passing time until this trip which is 29 days left, sure it's not going to be the best because the current circumstances.

But I'm not going to blow my $504 on a trip and not at least go to make use of my time..

Now having said that.. today it was snowing, she asked me to pick her up and get a bite to eat, rather then have her take the bus I did pick her up but she feels like if I'm never doing anything then I have no choice but to pick her up.

As for the bill I don't know but on the ride to dropping her off she was still trying to fish if I can take her on a double date with her friend tomorrow night... why bother? What do I get out of it other then spending money for 2 people and giving you a ride home and you just say "Thank's Mike" no I'm not talking about sex I'm just talking straight affection which she shows little to none, I'm not sure if she can see if she's doing anything wrong or she might be just so used to doing this she's blind.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 236
view profile
History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 7:49:05 PM

So….you recommend humiliation and blackmail? Doesn’t sound like a “friend” to me, and certainly no kind of a boyfriend.


But she doesn't see him as a boyfriend thou and what sort of friend expects the other friend to pay every time?
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 237
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 7:59:38 PM
Now that she is working again she told me she will take me out to lunch... I will hold her to that
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 238
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/27/2015 12:47:25 PM
I think "friends first" is just the crucifix we hold up to push back serial bed hoppers. If they won't take the time needed to get to know you and even see if you are compatible for the long term, they are not looking for the same thing you are.

I'd rephrase it to "friends always" but then I am kinda weird, if I don't genuinely like the guy, I don't waste time in considering an intimate relationship. If I do like the man, and intimacy follows, chances are the relationship is going to last but if it somehow doesn't at least there is a respect and affection still there.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 239
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/27/2015 1:15:31 PM

I think "friends first" is just the crucifix we hold up to push back serial bed hoppers

A poor way to do it. It's playing games, and if you say "Well, it doesn't mean JUST friends though, maybe..." -- citing situations where it leads to actual dating, etc -- all it does is perpetuate the notion Not to believe what a girl says. It'd be in the same boat as a guy saying "Friends First" meaning friends w/ benefits first. Don't play games -- unless you mean what it actually says -- be Just friends as your desire/intent.

What you're doing is throwing some babies out with the bathwater if you're not truly wanting to be just friends (while not ruling it out that Some day in the future you may be willing to be more than friends / date). Good guys And "bad guys" don't like it, unless said good guys aren't looking to date and just want to make new friends in their area.

I'd rephrase it to "friends always" but then I am kinda weird, if I don't genuinely like the guy, I don't waste time in considering an intimate relationship. If I do like the man, and intimacy follows, chances are the relationship is going to last but if it somehow doesn't at least there is a respect and affection still there.

"Friends Always" only nixes the possibility out. You're not doing it to just nix out bed hoppers. Otherwise you'd just say "I like to take things slow" or "I don't get intimate with someone until we've become a couple". If anything, "Friends First" isn't quite as good -- because due to it being an alarm sound for "very possibly not true" -- a bed hopper can easily interpret that as a friend-but-more-than-friends with no strings of dating/coupling-up.

The reason you like "Friends First" / "Friends Always"-- is because you can play both sides of things. Vagueness/multiple-interpretability is a comfort-zone via a power position to call the shots. :) Only perpetuates games in the dating world, and lessens your opportunities. Do the "I like to take things slow" approach, IF your real aim is to shoo away bed hoppers, while not caring about internal pressures about Dating. :)
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 240
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/27/2015 2:14:28 PM

"A poor way to do it. It's playing games, and if you say "Well, it doesn't mean JUST friends though, maybe..." -- citing situations where it leads to actual dating, etc -- all it does is perpetuate the notion Not to believe what a girl says. It'd be in the same boat as a guy saying "Friends First" meaning friends w/ benefits first. Don't play games -- unless you mean what it actually says -- be Just friends as your desire/intent."



whoa. chill. different syntax entirely, "friends first" is not even written the same as "be Just friends as your desire/intent" ....and yes, I see men's bios with "friends first" too. Nothing wrong with actually liking whomever you bed--or is that so unusual? If so then call me a fossilized hadrosaur, cuz I am obviously waaay out of touch with things.

norwegianguy you are normally so level headed in your posts--what set that off? I do not have either "friends first" or "friends always" anywhere in my bio, it was conjecture as to why many women do, speaking as a woman who can see their point of view.

And, conversely "I like to take things slow" almost sounds promiscuous, seriously, as if the reader is just another in a long line of "things".

Whatever, I am about as far from a player as anyone can be here. I answer all of my messages, do not shut anyone down unless the guy is really obnoxious, and love the forums. Color me naive.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 241
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/27/2015 3:19:39 PM
whoa. chill. different syntax entirely, "friends first" is not even written the same as "be Just friends as your desire/intent"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friends first is about control. Women who say that just want to play games.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...and yes, I see men's bios with "friends first" too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Of course. Guys aren't stupid. They can play the game too, to suit their agenda.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nothing wrong with actually liking whomever you bed--or is that so unusual?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not at all. I've never had sex with a woman I didn't like. I've also never done the friends first non-sense with
any woman I've been in a long term relationship with. I have had sex with a female friend or two though.
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 242
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/27/2015 3:43:37 PM

Not at all. I've never had sex with a woman I didn't like. I've also never done the friends first non-sense with
any woman I've been in a long term relationship with. I have had sex with a female friend or two though.



You just made a strong case for keeping "friends first" in a girl's bio. In your above post, you didn't say a thing about "loving" in your "long term" relationship, but you mentioned "sex" twice. Get it? Ladies who put this in their bio are not looking for the same thing you are and don't want to meet you-- and that is ok.

Slam dunk...Done.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 243
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/28/2015 11:31:47 PM
I think the issue most men have with the whole "friends first" concept is that it feels like you're being presented with "ground rules", and being informed that you're going through a trial period.

Yes, we know that you need to know if you can even stomach us before you decide to start banging us. No need to tell us. Sometimes words can really kill a mood, and I think it certainly does in this case.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 244
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/28/2015 11:45:53 PM

whoa. chill. different syntax entirely, "friends first" is not even written the same as "be Just friends as your desire/intent"

"Friends First" = "Just Friends". At first. Your initial desire and intent is based on what you say. You say "Friends First", you mean JUST friends ... at first.

norwegianguy you are normally so level headed in your posts--what set that off?

Whoah, chill out. I'm just being Direct about it. Many times it has to be repeated because people don't get it. :) "Friends First" = Just Friends, at first. It's simple. Friends First-- First before what? Being more than just friends. It's why it's said. To avoid non-platonic confrontation -- or as said later -- Control. Many people don't Consciously think about it so much per se -- but it doesn't take away from the fact that that is what they want.

And, conversely "I like to take things slow" almost sounds promiscuous

It doesn't have promiscuous overtones at all. Not any more "promiscuous" or sexual intent than someone saying "Things are moving too fast with Bobby/Sally" or "I don't want things to move too fast". It's commonly applied when one goes out on too many dates too seriously in a relatively short amount of time. It's not (necessarily) about sex, using "fast" or "slow". At all.

Whatever, I am about as far from a player as anyone can be here.

I'm not accusing you of being a (sexual) player, or any kind in fact. That's not what's implied. People can be boxing out for control -- not in the sense of manipulating others or anything -- but "looking out for themselves" and "what works" for themselves, etc -- and will defend it because that's their comfort zone. "Friends First" = Just Friends (at first). It's common sense. A gal says that -- ok. She's laying it out that they're on the same level as, say, a cousin. He can get the waitress' number in front of her -- flirt with one of her friends in front of her who may show interest in him -- without threatening any type of said (platonic) relationship between them anymore than it would with one of his buddies.

Friends First is game playing -- whether one fully realizes it or not, sorry. :)
 waverunningeek
Joined: 3/20/2015
Msg: 245
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/30/2015 9:55:44 PM
Depending on the woman, it could mean any number of things...

She's a reformed sloot (or thinks she is) because she's tired of the pump-n-dump.
She's a foodie prostitute and wants to score a free meal without being expected to put out.
She genuinely wants to go slow because she's an old skool romantic.

I know this much... I don't buy my "friends" dinner... so go dutch.


But when you meet someone online, what does "start with a friendship" mean?
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 246
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/30/2015 11:24:16 PM
You just made a strong case for keeping "friends first" in a girl's bio. In your above post, you didn't say a thing about "loving" in your "long term" relationship, but you mentioned "sex" twice.
---------------------------------------

I didn't say anything about eating sushi or reading, either. So what?

------------------------------------------

Get it?

---------------------------


Yeah. Grow up.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 247
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/30/2015 11:54:08 PM
Friends first means nothing

Friends first is setting a precedence for friend zoning. And friend zoning being something that can be applied at any time during the dating period - being a natural condition in potential outcome during the dating process... Ultimately means that there is a reserved right to friend-zone, and serves as warning, nothing more.

Equates to nothing, it is simply a reservation to zone. Or disclaimer if you will.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 248
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/31/2015 12:35:03 AM

I know this much... I don't buy my "friends" dinner... so go dutch.


Exactly, and my "friends" don't care if I have sex with multiple women.

Final verdict - friends first is still pretty dumb.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 249
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/31/2015 9:08:32 AM

think the issue most men have with the whole "friends first" concept is that it feels like you're being presented with "ground rules", and being informed that you're going through a trial period.


No no, this is not gender specific, I also feel like it's placing a limit, like I'm being "managed", and he has the power of making it into something more, complete on his own, no! I like to freestyle, I like the freedom of starting nowhere and mutually deciding where this is going if anywhere.

Friend's first=you feel no obligation toward me, you could less about seeing me or not, it's not going anywhere now or ever, and likely you won't treat me to things but expect that I see some romantic future between us. While I have all the time in my life to decide, I'm not gonna start with labels. Some people you f*ck, some you don't, some people are relationship material, some people are f*cking material, and then you get the combo of 2 in one, lol. Let's not start with taking pieces out of the puzzle and wondering what happened at the end, when you can't complete the puzzle.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 250
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/31/2015 10:13:42 AM

While I have all the time in my life to decide, I'm not gonna start with labels.

Establishing things as "Friends First" is a label, loud (but not necessarily clear). Friends First = just friends at first. First before what? More than just friends (platonic). It's basically saying "Let's just be friends" -- BUT with a *possibility* that things Could become non-platonic in the future. "Let's just be friends" is a label, just as "Friends First" is a label. Friends First just means that Can Possibly change in the future.

If you don't want labels, don't mention anything. There's no need to. By default, there is no "label" between the two people walking into a 1st meetup/date. You can just tell people you don't like jumping into things and you like to take things slow, as you like to get to know the person first before anything somewhat serious would arise. No labels. They get the picture. They're going to take heed if they want to bring you back to their place to pork or to take you to their friends and introduce you as their new GF. They're already warned that things won't roll between ya fast. Now -- why do some people Not want to apply "I like to take things slow and not rush into things"? Because they still feel the non-platonic pressure. They want one-foot-in / one-foot-out. Have their cake & eat it too.

They want zero (self-applied) 'pressure' of it being non-platonic, so they want the Theme to be just platonic -- but they'll want the Benefits of it being non-platonic. A lady still gets to eat from the restaurant trough and/or have drinks for free, along with possibly at least a hint of courting theme -- and a guy using the "friends first" line, he'll want the benefits to be... well... "benefits" at the end of the first or second night. :)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 251
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/31/2015 12:14:15 PM

Yes, we know that you need to know if you can even stomach us before you decide to start banging us. No need to tell us. Sometimes words can really kill a mood, and I think it certainly does in this case.


I agree with this...I think it works both ways.

Other things I dislike hearing as much as friends first:

I'm taking things slow
I'm not in a hurry
I'm not sure what I'm looking for

All of the above things go without saying (IMO) if you are interested in that person for a relationship.
Might as well come out and say, yeah, you seem okei, but I'm not sure, so let's hang out for a while
until I am....then you hand out the boobie prize. That's what dating is supposed to be...you hang out with
someone until you know you want to be exclusive or not...you don't need to SAY it.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 252
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/1/2015 1:36:06 AM



Other things I dislike hearing as much as friends first:

I'm taking things slow
I'm not in a hurry
I'm not sure what I'm looking for


Yep. All crap.

I had a new year's eve date about 5 years ago, and she gave me a kiss at midnight. A few minutes later, she said " Just so you know, I'm very attracted to you, but we are NOT going to be having sex every time we see each other. We're actually going to do other things."

Totally out of nowhere. I was dumbfounded. I felt like saying "how do you know we won't? You haven't even had me yet, dummy!"

So yeah, there are things that are just better left unsaid.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >