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 Paul_Pierce_4_ever
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 33
What does Friends First really mean?Page 2 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I've been given this a few times, and out of pride I usually just don't take it, and I wish the person good luck in their pursuits.

I've noticed that I often get this from women who have been hurt badly by someone in the past. In which case, this is a sign that they are not secure enough in relationships yet to feel loved or to love someone else without the impending fear of being hurt by someone.

I also see it as a desire to, as mynamesnotjesus said, to define something before it has even begun. Why do people need to put labels on something? Why can't you just hang out with the person and enjoy their company and if there is a spark there, something will develop, and if there isn't, then you will just naturally be just friends

Unfortunately when you tell a guy, "I just want to be friends first and see where that goes", a guy doesn't even understand this because this is not how attraction works for most men. If I am hanging out with someone, and I am having fun with them, I tend to know very soon if I might want to possibly pursue them romantically or just as a friend.

It's not always about sex ladies, we just don't want you to label us something before there has even been a real chance for the relationship to develop somewhat naturally. IMO if he pushes for sex early on, then you should just not see him anymore. If he is a smart, mature guy he will realize that he needs to get to know you first and you need to trust each other before you start sleeping with one another.
All in all, Just don't give him the "friends first" cop out, because many guys don't want to risk developing feelings for someone, only to realize later that that person just only sees you as a friends. Let things develop naturally, and what will happen, will happen :)
 brianmartin
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 35
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:43:52 AM
"Friends first" is something I would do only with someone that I could see being more than a friend.

That's why I'm a "friends first" kind of person. It doesn't mean I'm insecure or deceitful at all! Just that it takes me a bit of time to warm up to someone. Even when I am fond of her, I don't want that really fast, exponential slope upwards, I want more of the inverse--a slow gradual build where we hang out, find out lots about each other, all the time aware that "the question" is coming but we are okay with figuring it out gradually, together. I think certain types of people are more like this, and others less so.

I think if someone tells you this (that they want to be "friends first"), especially someone you are interested in, it is important to figure out what they MEAN by it, and that can only be accomplished by asking them. Even if you are completely head over heels, it is common courtesy to take things slow if the other person requests, as long as you can be reasonably sure they want a relationship.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 37
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 7/25/2009 5:31:08 PM
It means the person wants to actually get to know the other person before anything intimate happens.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 38
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:31:48 PM
You both pay for yourselves when you go out. Hand-holding OK, kissing is not, if you're just friends.

Look, if you have a sense of humor, let the thing develop organically. Go on a couple of dates, be affectionate and share a few laughs. By date 3, you should both feel comfortable enough to know whether you just want to be friends or if you'd like to go further.

Yes, I agree that we end up in the friend zone if moves are not made quickly. But that's not to say that being friends is a bad thing--it's just bad if one of you wants to go further and the other doesn't. But, gotta keep it light...
 kow626
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 40
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/3/2010 12:04:16 AM
looks like there's 2 trains of thought on this subject. one side equates 'friends first' to being put in the 'friend zone.' meaning nothing will ever happen sexually or beyond being just friends and friends ONLY. the other side, the one i'm on, is taking the time to get the know the person before rushing into a full-on exclusive, committed relationship. 100% of those relationships that move fast fail cuz both parties simply don't know enough about each other or if they are in a relationship, they're not happy cuz they're dating or married to a stranger.

i don't go by any rules. no certain number of dates. no interpretations. none of that bullsh1t. if the sexual attraction is there, then it's there. no problem. we'll either bang it out or put our hormones on hold for the greater prize that awaits. patience is avirtue. physical attraction and sex DOESN'T define the type of relationship i want. for some, it does. it's all about looks and arm candy, getting laid, and that's about it. a fleeting, superficial relationship. i, and many others on here, want more than that. if we aren't AT MIINIMUM friends, then what kind of real, long term relationship is it gonna be? we need to be able to laugh, talk, chill, hang, debate, and all that good stuff if we're gonna move on to becoming bf/gf. that's how i see it.

i met my ex on here. 1st meet was nothing more than that: two people meeting for the first time and getting to know each other. turns out we were texting each other all day every day. talking on the phone a lot. IM'ing a lot. hanging out and enjoying each others company a lot. we became best friends at a natural pace and when it got to that point, the next step was obvious. so for me, that's what friends first is. i do have that term listed in my profile and the woman who sees things with a similar point of view will get it and understand what it means from my perspective cuz she'll share the same one. those that see it this way really are looking for something long term and meaningful, not something rushed just cuz someone is attractive, has a few things in common, and had a few dates.

takes more than that. hell, went on 3 dates with a chick several months back and still don't even know her damn last name! ain't even realize it at the time. but i learn from all my dates and experiences. 2 people really need to know each other if they're gonna be around each other for hopefully the rest of their lives. sex will come. that's a given. but the foundation is that friendship. same way we are around our best buds now, that's exactly what we should be thriving for in a long term relationship. otherwise, the relationship is fake. that's my opinion on it. those that think friends first means something else either aren't really looking for anything real and long term at the moment or they aren't ready for that in a partner yet. meaning they're not emotionally available. we've all encountered those people who don't really know what they want or play games. when you finally do get past all that and discover yourself and your needs, you'll come around to the proper side of the fence and understand what friends first really means. there is no hidden meaning. it means exactly what it says.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 42
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/3/2010 5:58:32 AM
When I say it:

"Friends First" = I'm attracted to you, but want to get to know you without the pressure of dating right this minute. Let's build a friendship before we start dating.

"Just Friends" = I like you, but have no attraction to you. While I enjoy hanging out with you and don't mind continuing to do so, there will never be a time I'll want to sleep with you.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 43
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/3/2010 6:47:15 AM
"Friends first" is something I would do only with someone that I could see being more than a friend.


Pretty much sums it up for me. "Friends first" to me says getting to know each other, and seeing where it goes, with the interest there that you both would *like* to see it becoming more. Not even really a conscious thing for me, nor something I feel the need to say, really, all my real relationships (ie, not just a date) have started this way, getting to know each other, and then we're comfortable and the rest "just happens naturally".

I dunno, maybe I would say I equate it more to dating like its getting to know someone and seeing where it goes, vs. dating like its a 'job' with some set rules. I get tired of hearing all these stupid 'rules' - ie, "sex on date #3 or its not going anywhere" - I'm not a moron, if I still feel its 'going somewhere' on date #3, I don't care when *that* happens as long as we're having a good time together. I.e., "no pressure, no rules, lets just see where it leads us".
 EGJV
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 44
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/3/2010 8:05:16 PM

Unfortunately when you tell a guy, "I just want to be friends first and see where that goes", a guy doesn't even understand this because this is not how attraction works for most men. If I am hanging out with someone, and I am having fun with them, I tend to know very soon if I might want to possibly pursue them romantically or just as a friend.


Guys know quickly and tend to be more "yes/no" than women. Women can take a huge ****ing time to figure out their feelings etc. Men should know this. Also, men typically know if the woman has potential or not, but 99% will take the chance to sleep with her anyway if they can. That leads to more "protective" behavior and blahblah... vicious circle.
 kow626
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 49
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/5/2010 8:50:39 AM

this entire site, the entire idea of dating, the entire concept of people "finding each other", romance, etc. etc. is ALL ABOUT SEX! Without sexual attraction, there is nothing... and the majority of people pick their partners/companions based on the notion of who is sexually compatible with them... its how we are wired as humans... its our DNA, its completely normal, natural and healthy.... ever wonder why there are 6 billion + on the planet?


how would you know who's sexually compatible until you actually have sex with them? there's the expectation and then there's the reality. you see someone and the 1st thought is that you wanna bang it out. that's fine and dandy. who's to say the sex is gonna be good? guy knocks up girl, girl chooses to have child, and they either stay together for the sake of the child or one party becomes the primary parent. rarely does the sex determine the long term outcome of the relationship. at the same time, i know a lot of people are looking for nothing more than a casual fling and experimentation and that's cool as long as they own up to it. i know of no one who's in a happy, exclusive, committed, long term relationship that's based purely on sex. the provided example is why there's 6 billion + people on the planet. but that discussion would be best suited for another thread.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 52
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/6/2010 1:02:19 PM
a woman's 'friends first' means nothing. it's sort of code for 'i won't bang you in short order unless i consider you really hot,' but that's already a given.

(haven't read the whole thread; apologies if i'm like the 12th guy to write something like this.)
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 56
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/8/2010 1:35:16 PM
These so-called Friendship First friendships are not really friendships at all.

If they were, women would be initiating them roughly 50% of the time and doing about half the work necessary to susain them, but they're not doing that.

These are really sexless dating relationships. They say "friendship", but what they actually mean is they want you to date them, take them out and foot the bill. If they feel you have prospects, they will continue with you; otherwise, they just don't call or do much of anything else which would constitute holding up their end of the plank. The whole thing is based on the guy's sexual attraction and the woman holding him at bay with some vague implied promise of eventual "reward" while the chump keeps persuing her, all as a testament to how "into" her he is.

Such relationships bear little resemblance to friendship other than the fact that no actual sex is happening. In real friendships there is almost always absolutely no prospect of things ever becoming sexual.

So the whole thing is based on a euphemism (calling it "friendship"), which effectively means it's based on a big lie about what's really going on.

The essence of friendship is that there is no one "laying down the law" (i.e., No Sex Allowed For Six Months) on the other person under ordinary conditions, not that there's no sex taking place.

"Friends First" is just a variation on the most common game played by women, which runs as follows:
Her: "Do you promise not to kiss me?"
Him: "I promise."
She wins either way. If he kisses her, he has broken his word and is no better than all the others. If he doesn't she can say to herself: "That wishy-washy eunuch didn't even try to kiss me."
 ceastwood
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 57
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/8/2010 4:33:57 PM
if a woman ask to" just be friends",,i tell them no. if a woman couldnt see making love with me,,i dont want to date her. if a woman wants a guy to be "just good friends" get a gay man,,
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 59
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:38:38 AM
Why not simply say: "Let's get to know each other"?
 kow626
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 60
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 8:15:40 AM
idance,
i'm one of those guys that states that i want friends first in my profile. it's all about mindset. those of us who aren't jaded and that have dated enough to know what we want and what a relationship HAS TO HAVE in order for it to succeed long term understand the statement 'friends first.' the opposite of that doesn't. they're not there yet. they may never be there. but those of us that DO know, if someone misinterprets the statement then we know automatically that person isn't ready for a real, long-lasting relationship.

the problem is that many people aren't sincere as you say; thus the problems with finding genuine people for dating or even friendship. many don't know how to communicate; the number one reason relationships end. many don't know what it means to have real and true friends; so they're already jaded from the get because all they know is the wrong way and they believe that to be the right way. that's the cause of many a failed relationship. someone finds another who's actually genuine and treats them with respect and since they're not used to that, YOU'RE the problem. i've seen it a thousand times. people are incredibly resistant to change and never learn; either because they can't or don't want to.

i know what it means to have real and true friends. i don't have a single superficial friendship. i know there are others out there that are genuine. finding those people is a task but it's not impossible. me and many others will continue our quest to find a match that also knows what it means to be 'friends first.' and you're right. when sex is introduced too early, the probability of friends first decreases dramatically or disappears completely cuz the sex is what becomes first and no relationship can last with just that as the foundation. i've resisted women who i thought had potential for more. in most cases, they fall into that category mentioned before. they think sex defines the relationship and they wonder why they move from man to man frequently. i've learned my lessons from dealing with those types of chicks.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 8:26:53 AM
No offense, but especially for the guys here (and I'm sure there are women too, as this isn't a gender specific thing) who choose to date people who are extremely attractive, and obviously materialistic/narcissistic - you can't say everyone who's anatomically correct is the same way. There is some responsibility on your part to separate the people who are looking for minions from the people who honestly mean it.

If I was hit by a car in the street and before I was hit someone yelled "lookout!" to me, should it be logical that every time I hear "lookout" for the rest of my life I'll be run over by a car? No. Clearly it's my choice to look at the people using the phrase, not the phrase itself.

P.S. There is no pressure to date for anyone. If someone's not settling down it's not always because there are plenty of options. Some just don't assume it's a requirement for life. If you do, that's your personal view of it - and if you choose to remain friends with someone who you're attracted to that clearly doesn't have romantic interest in you - at least admit it's in hopes that things will change. You're totally capable of politely declining the offer and explaining why. Just say "I'd love to but my attraction isn't going to help the situation."

When I offer friendship "first" it's after I explain that I do have romantic interest and despite my attraction I want to know there's more to it. Some women aren't looking for anything when they bring it up. When I offer "just" friendship that's also made clear, though there have been men who totally disregarded that and taken the offer only to ask me about dating them more than once again down the line. That's totally their problem to assume I don't know what I'm saying the first time.

The solution is to get a lot better at determining who you're dealing with, not to eliminate everyone who says the word "friends".
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 63
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 12:33:40 PM

Personally, I am seldom attracted sexually to someone before knowing them, perhaps because what attracts me sexually is not the outward appearance and never has been. I know I'm not the norm and am not condemning anyone, just stating a true fact. It would be impossible for me to develop a relationship if I was "required" to feel sexual about a person without knowing them. I am definitely not a prude and have had very satisfying relationships in the past, with people willing to take time to get to know me.

idanceonwater - I agree with you. I can be sexually attracted to someone but not want to do much about it unless/until I know what type of person they are beyond the attraction. With other women they really do have to know the person inside and out to develop a sexual attraction or at least to act on it or want to take it anywhere.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 64
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 1:25:31 PM

Personally, I am seldom attracted sexually to someone before knowing them, perhaps because what attracts me sexually is not the outward appearance and never has been.

I call BullSh!t. :) (Of course, WIP is rolling her eyes right now, I'm sure!)

You can say that you're not COMPLETELY attracted to someone until you've gotten to know them, sure. But you ARE sexually attracted to someone by looks. Just like personality can distinguish things, so can looks. Looks is all you know about them? You still have attraction to GET to know them.

With that said, "friends first" is a silly silly term to use. You're not just friends if you use that term (would you say that to a same-gender person you just met?). It's used to avoid any formal dating, and confuses people, because there are some idiots running around looking for Friends and not more-than-friends.

It's used to lower short-term expectations by some to imply "taking it slow", -and/or- as an escape hatch. Escape hatch meaning that you don't have to deal with ANY expectations, and if you don't like them, you whip out the "friends" card! If they are upset that you lack sexual (attraction) interest, you say "Hey, I said we're just friends when we meet..."

If that IS the case that you're just friends when you meet with the whole "Friends First" lingo, then on your first meeting, you can hit on the bartender, waitress, or some gal standing around. You're just friends, right? The "friends first" gal you met should be your wingman, since after all, friends help each other out!

"Friends First" is self-defeating. It implies something MORE in the future. So it only causes confusion.
Example: Say you're the new president, and you meet up with Iran's new president who just got elected himself.... and you say, "Let's be Friends First". That's implying you WON'T be friends in due time. Hence, are you REALLY just friends now, knowing that implication.

What they'd really mean is "Let's ACT like we're friends, even though we aren't really 'friends'". Instead in this dating world, why not say "I like to get to know someone before I start Dating them" or "I like to take it slow in the beginning".
 kow626
Joined: 10/29/2006
Msg: 66
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 2:25:34 PM
Confident realist,
as mentioned in one of my previous posts, you're not there yet.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 67
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2010 8:03:26 PM
So now "friends first" is code for those who think they're special, and think they really know what's going on, and the secret key to relationship success?

I knew there was a reason my gut instinct from the start was to avoid such people like the plague.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 70
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 7:55:30 AM

If that IS the case that you're just friends when you meet with the whole "Friends First" lingo, then on your first meeting, you can hit on the bartender, waitress, or some gal standing around. You're just friends, right? The "friends first" gal you met should be your wingman, since after all, friends help each other out!

Two answers for that - one is that if you're looking to hookup so quickly that you want to skip me and talk to everyone else in the place based on one or two words, I'm more than happy to help you - but not as a dating prospect, of course. It's passive aggressive for a guy to look at it this way - but I can play that game...and really help you find someone else, as you'd appear to need to find someone more than I did, honestly. I'm also sure it's pretty one sided; if I was ok with this and flirted with and took numbers of men while sitting with one at the same time he'd have a different reaction to his plan.

I've done that - and guys who suggest this usually hope to get a reaction out of you. When you don't react as they expect, but instead agree to it and want the same in return they don't turn out to be so helpful with finding you someone to talk to.

Two is that two almost complete strangers shouldn't be offended with flirting during a meet as strangers - however there is respect for people you're with regardless of gender. My sister wouldn't go after a guy while out with friends or family, it's simply not what you're there to do.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 71
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 9:58:32 AM

It's passive aggressive for a guy to look at it this way - but I can play that game...and really help you find someone else

I have two answers for that: First, it's not a game -- the real game is calling something 'just friends' to the other person, if you really don't mean just being friends. 'Friends First' means being just friends; may being more than friends later on. Secondly, "someone else" -- why would there be a someone 'else' if you're just friends?

if you're looking to hookup so quickly that you want to skip me and talk to everyone else in the place based on one or two words

No, I'm not talking about ditching someone.

Two is that two almost complete strangers shouldn't be offended with flirting during a meet as strangers - however there is respect for people you're with regardless of gender.

Again, if you're meeting someone as friends, yes, you shouldn't ditch them (or anyone). But if I start hanging out with someone, a new friend or friend-for-years, it would be rude to flirt with a waitress? No. After having a lot of banter, hanging out, you can't talk to other people, even mutually? No, you can.

Point is -- if you're -truly- just friends until decided otherwise (truly friends first), you should not treat the situation any differently than say in a guy's case, meeting up at a local hangout with a friend's wife or married female co-worker.

That's why "friends first" is a silly misleading term when meeting off a dating site. If you're -officially- a dating prospect (meeting off a dating site; a mutual friend does match making and sets up a little date; etc), you're are more than just friends in the beginning. It's an oxymoron to call someone a dating prospect, but at the same time, "just friends".

Now, we can "know what they mean", if the person using that game-phrase expresses their mode of operation specifically (directly or indirectly) -- but sometimes you don't know and it's left to assumption, because that phrase is so vague.

- Some people really mean 100% platonic with no expectations of dating (but could happen with someone they'll say)
- Some people really mean 100% platonic with expectations of dating later on
- Some people mean FWB on a PG-13 scale; just hanging out, but you're more-than-friends
- Some people don't want to be 'dating' or be 'a couple'. They like to take things slow, so 'friends', a word used with peers in reference to someone to mean you're NOT dating them, is applied because it sounds good to them.
- Some people just mean taking it slow physically
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 72
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:12:37 AM

I have two answers for that: First, it's not a game -- the real game is calling something 'just friends' to the other person, if you really don't mean just being friends. 'Friends First' means being just friends; may being more than friends later on. Secondly, "someone else" -- why would there be a someone 'else' if you're just friends?

Ok maybe I'm confused - are we talking "friends first" or "just friends" here? I assumed you were talking about "friends first" where there's interest but a desire to get to know a person without all the initial sexual tension confusing things. If you are talking "just friends" then I agree with you - however I'd probably question the meet in the first place unless it was established clearly as platonic. So before we get into any more of that - let me make sure I read your post and responded the right way.

Again, if you're meeting someone as friends, yes, you shouldn't ditch them (or anyone). But if I start hanging out with someone, a new friend or friend-for-years, it would be rude to flirt with a waitress? No. After having a lot of banter, hanging out, you can't talk to other people, even mutually? No, you can.

Of course you can if there is never any intention to be anything more than friends and it's established. Absolutely - and of course I'd fix up a guy who I'm not interested in as more than friends, in fact - my friendship with him would do better if he were dating someone if that's what he wanted.

Point is -- if you're -truly- just friends until decided otherwise (truly friends first), you should not treat the situation any differently than say in a guy's case, meeting up at a local hangout with a friend's wife or married female co-worker.

Agreed. I never change just friends to anything else, but I guess some do. To me the two aren't at all similar. I tend to be literal though and say pretty much what I mean.

That's why "friends first" is a silly misleading term when meeting off a dating site. If you're -officially- a dating prospect (meeting off a dating site; a mutual friend does match making and sets up a little date; etc), you're are more than just friends in the beginning. It's an oxymoron to call someone a dating prospect, but at the same time, "just friends".

Again, friends first and just friends to me are totally different, so I'm not sure which you're addressing. If I have clear attraction and interest for someone and it's mutual - there's nothing wrong with establishing that and then building a friendship before it becomes this big romantic bunch of crap where you're both trying to impress and not acting yourselves (friends first); also known as taking things slowly. Semantics. If I don't now nor will I ever see a guy as more than a friend, I agree with you (just friends). Whether or not it begins on a dating site or anywhere else isn't relevant to the meaning of it for me.

Now, we can "know what they mean", if the person using that game-phrase expresses their mode of operation specifically (directly or indirectly) -- but sometimes you don't know and it's left to assumption, because that phrase is so vague.

I would suggest that if it's not clearly defined that the person getting the phrase asks for clarification so that they understand what that particular person means - simple enough. That should solve the confusion if there is any in reference to your list.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 73
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 5:29:46 PM

Ok maybe I'm confused - are we talking "friends first" or "just friends" here?
That is exactly why using the term "Friends First" is silly. Not only do different people define it differently -- but it implies being JUST friends (first).

Again, friends first and just friends to me are totally different, so I'm not sure which you're addressing.
They are the same. Sure, one can define any phrase they like personally, but the world doesn't revolve around you or I. If there was a clear universal definition that everyone knew to a phrase, even though what the phrase says veers off from what people mean by that, then fine. However, it's a fact that in this case there is no universal accepted definition -- therefore, it goes by reason that you interpret it by what -it says-, especially when it deals with a term like 'hook-up', 'friend', 'lover', 'sexual', etc.

"Friends First" is actually a very clear phrase, but people define it off-kilter. Friends First means JUST friends, in the beginning. Why? Because applying the word "First" in that phrase means that you WILL (possibly) be more than friends after a first phase. Friends First, then more than friends (to whatever degree) after, possibly. That IS what the phrase says and means w/o slang interpretations. Pretty clear.

If I have clear attraction and interest for someone and it's mutual - there's nothing wrong with establishing that and then building a friendship before it becomes this big romantic bunch of crap where you're both trying to impress and not acting yourselves (friends first)

Whether you're going down a route of keeping it casual early or heavy on the romance early, you're still going to be building a friendship. You're still going to be bonding and getting to know each other. You're still going to be hanging out together. If someone lacks in bonding & really getting to know them before they are wrapped up in romance-couplehood-ville, then they shouldn't rush into it.

What you're describing is not rushing into couplehood, official dates, etc., too early. I like that route bigtime as well. However, I'd be lying to say I like to be friends first. Example convo between someone who uses the term and someone who calls them out on it, after boy meets girl at a bar and gets her #, and some chit-chat on the phone:

Guy: I also don't like rushing into things. I like to be friends first.

Girl: Friends first? Friends before what?

Guy: You know, going out on any formal dates, gifts, being a couple, doing bigtime romantic stuff... you know -- getting into anything notably serious.

Girl: Okayyy... So we're JUST friends before all that?

Guy: No, we're not -just- friends...

Girl: Well, why are you -defining- us as friends then? There's mutual attraction, you gave me a small kiss when I left, and I kissed you back. Do friends do that?

Guy: Not JUST friends, no. We're just taking -it- slow.

Girl: Yeah, but "it" is what I'm talking about. "It" is not a friends-related situation, it's a dating-related situation which you want to take casually in a laid-back way, and so do I. Why not just say you like to "hang out first"? Why call it "friends first"? Friends implies that you're platonic at first for a while, until things unfold non-platonically. It screams out friend-zone for the beginning, doesn't it?

Guy: It's just a term I'm used to using, and I'm a stubborn guy, I got my own ways. You're not in my friends-zone at first at all! I just like saying "Friends First". How about this? I'll ditch the term if you sleep with me tonight.

Girl: Deal!

Edit: You're either just friends or more than just friends. A boyfriend/girlfriend more than just a friend. A Friend w/ Benefits is more than a friend. A dating prospect is more than a friend, whether you're just hanging out or going out on formal dates in the beginning.

Why would one call something "Friends First" if it's not just friends at first? If one expects/assumes more than friends at first, why call it "Friends First"?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 8:44:52 PM

Why would one call something "Friends First" if it's not just friends at first? If one expects/assumes more than friends at first, why call it "Friends First"?
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Because I like to get to know someone first before all the romantic pressure - so it sort of is friends at first, at least for me. That means established interest that's put aside to get to know someone organically. I don't care what it's called as long as it doesn't cause someone to try and define what's going on way too far in advance.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 75
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2010 10:33:30 PM

Because I like to get to know someone first before all the romantic pressure - so it sort of is friends at first, at least for me.

Yes, but you have to take the other person into consideration... or in the realm of profiles, the audience into perspective as well. You don't mind the "pressure" of them being a dating prospect, though. They aren't just like a friend -- in some light they are, in terms of lacking classical romantic stuff, sure. But some women won't see it that way in your position when liking the term as you do, and may demand the guy pay their bill when going out/meeting up casually. I would say in that case, it would call for even more criticism of the term. I think the term for many, is a mask one wants to wear to help their comfort zone. And there are a select few who do apply the phrase genuinely where they actually mean strictly platonic, not a dating prospect, and smack dab in the friends zone (just meeting new people with absolutely no assumptions or thoughts about possibly dating in the future).

Some women may be more sensitive to romantic pressure. So let's say a woman says "Brother/Sister First". To -her- that takes away tons of pressure and that's what she wants it to feel like for a while. And let's say that phrase catches on with some folks.... but obvious confusion and forum threads started in areas of dating and such. It'd beg questions of confusion like, are you from Alabama? You have a fetish? Need a stunt double for a family reunion? She can say it's LIKE you're sort of brother and sister -- that makes her feel ZERO pressure which she demands. How it makes -her- feel is fine, and she can keep that to herself, but she will rightfully get flack by her choice of words of defining things. Until that inaccurately worded phrase doesn't beg questions and rightfully draw confusion, she'd have no right to complain that folks would call her out for using it.
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