Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 PennyAnte
Joined: 11/9/2014
Msg: 211
What does Friends First really mean?Page 6 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
No hanky panky. No rides on the baloney pony. No choking the chicken. No spanking the monkey until he starts to treat you like a really good friend. That's basically what it means when a woman says it. She wants you to be like her best girl friend only you have a penis.

When a man says it it is because he is not really sure he wants to fugg you. This of course has never happened to me.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 212
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2015 9:56:30 AM
^^^What Penny said. (Welcome back by the way :o))

I don't get the friends first thing anyways.

Seems to me it's just a way to say I'm not sure about you but
lets hang out for a while and then I'll let you know. Something
like this goes without saying IMO. Isn't that what dating is all
about?

I figure mentioning friend in the course of finding out if you're
heading towards a relationship is pretty much putting the kibosh
on it.

Just like I don't want to hear "I don't see you as relationship material,
but we can still be friends."

ugh.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 213
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2015 10:12:33 AM
Friends First is a probationary period, just like when starting a new job. Gee, that's romantic. What happens after a person passes the probationary period? Do they get a performance review every six months or year, that's put in their file?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 214
view profile
History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2015 3:34:32 PM

PennyAnte
That's basically what it means when a woman says it. She wants you to be like her best girl friend only you have a penis.

When a man says it it is because he is not really sure he wants to fugg you. This of course has never happened to me.



BrownEyesBoo
^^^What Penny said. (Welcome back by the way :o))


Allow me to second that! (or should I say “third that”?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 215
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2015 6:39:52 PM

Friends First is a probationary period, just like when starting a new job. Gee, that's romantic. What happens after a person passes the probationary period? Do they get a performance review every six months or year, that's put in their file?

Perhaps people should do this. People try to over romance everything too quickly and it can cause problems.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 216
view profile
History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/10/2015 9:37:53 PM
Ms. WIP said:
People try to over romance everything too quickly and it can cause problems.


What Miss WIP said, with this addendum: People try to over-sexualize the relationship too quickly. I've got no problem with a woman wanting to be "friends first," so long as it is understood that the ultimate intention is something more. During that friends first period, that probationary period, you're learning about each other - as I say in my profile,"I want to get to know a woman before I get to KNOW a woman." Romance/sex has a way of clouding issues between people. How many women in the broken hearts threads talk about a relationship that moved too fast and then it was over with hurt feelings. Hurt feelings/broken hearts are inevitable in life, why should we exacerbate the problem by rushing in where angels fear to tread and demons dance.

TK
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 217
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2015 9:05:07 PM

What Miss WIP said, with this addendum: People try to over-sexualize the relationship too quickly.

Friends first isn't about sex. And putting forth a 'friends first' thing is sexualizing it, IF that is what one means, as it's bringing it to the table right off the bat.

I've got no problem with a woman wanting to be "friends first," so long as it is understood that the ultimate intention is something more.

If that is the intention at first, to be more than just friends, then how is it just friends at first? Role play? Friends-first is an oxymoron, because it means just friends at first, but you're letting the cat out of the bag that the reason you're going out with them is because there's a Mutual more than friends thing going on. Not executing it physically doesn't define being more than friends (see, say, a Mormon guy & gal on their first handful of dates - lol).

Where I can see it actually Not being an oxymoron and knowingly put forth, is where Bobby & Sally are social-group acquaintances. Their friends know each other's friends, hence, they start mingling. Bobby puts a move on her, and Sally says "I want to be friends first" -- meaning, no, not 1-on-1 hanging out, but get to know each other better, be social-group friends, and see if things warm up. She thinks he's kinda cute and all, but she doesn't want to start going out with someone and have it's social implications between her friends & his friends, etc. She wants to feel it out over time in a group setting before it'd spawn off to anything 1-on-1 (more than friends; cats out of the bag that there's attraction; going 1-on-1 isn't going to be just friends unless she tells him outright that she's not interested). Then, weeks later with some mingling and a little flirting brought on by him here and there, and a few facebook messages -- she hits a fish or cut bait point to say she just wants to be friends with him, or, yeah, let's go out and see what happens. In other words, there'd need to be more distance than going out 1-on-1 with each other and play the announced friends-first game, if you want to be able to say you're just friends at first when both people knowing like each other.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 218
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/11/2015 10:08:39 PM

Friends First is a probationary period, just like when starting a new job. Gee, that's romantic. What happens after a person passes the probationary period? Do they get a performance review every six months or year, that's put in their file?


In my case does the almost 5 months we have together does that count?!?!?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 219
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/12/2015 12:00:20 AM

In my case does the almost 5 months we have together does that count?!?!?

Dude, you're friend-zoned, man. Never play the friends-first game more than 3 'dates'. If you don't get a kiss by the end of the 3rd date, and she came out with the friends-first thing initially, you're pretty much friend-zoned. Just like girls have to look out for guys just wanting a hit-n-run who want to come off as if they're not aiming for a hookup (will scare gal away obviously), guys have to look out for girls who just want male attention+being liked who want to come off as if they're Not aiming for a friend-zone (will scare guy away).

Technically, you could wait longer than 3 1-on-1 outings/dates -- but rarely go more than 4 or 5 (would need special circumstances; stop at 3 if you already knew the girl prior to the outings/dates). You don't wait 5 months dude. You're waiting for Nothing, because nothing's coming your way. Friends first doesn't mean you're Going to be Dating each other. It can go in two solid directions, after a relatively short period of time (usually up to 3 outings/dates): (a) Just friends [they were outings, not dates], or (b) Dating [they were dates, not outings]. But after even 1 month and you never crossed the platonic line besides 'taking her out'? Dude, after that -- nobody but to blame but yourself. You're just friends. Friend-zoned. Game over.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 220
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/12/2015 9:32:09 AM
During this 5 month friendship, were you expected to pay for the "dates" (technically, not dates, since you were out with a friend), or do you go dutch, or take turns paying? I agree with norwegianguy, in that if she doesn't consider you more that just a friend by now, it's time to put on your friendzone t-shirt. What is your expectation or limit of how long a "just friends for now" should last?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 221
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/12/2015 11:22:29 AM

What is your expectation or limit of how long a "just friends for now" should last?

I've been caught up in something like that, although, more like 5 weeks, not 5 months. And I've seen friends who've gone pretty long. Why do they wait-it-out? Because underneath it all, they know she mainly just likes him as a friend. The guy will always be looking for clues -- little bits -- and magnify them as 'hope' underneath it all, while getting too comfortable being in that friend-zone-that-isn't-official-yet-so-i-still-have-a-chance. It doesn't do anything positive, even to a very conservative girl, to be on clear platonic lines for many many weeks vs just a couple weeks. Sorry. Because after a few weeks go by, the Tone is Set as being friends, and it turns into just-friends. That's what a guy (or a gal fully) won't understand.

You start it off on the 1st outing getting a feel from it starting out with light flirting. You don't play it as you Chasing her. Worst move EVER in that situation. You want the tone, early on, to be set where you can be the one She can lose just as well (albeit, just as some dude she knows). For a while, don't chase at all. Position yourself as someone who may or may not be interested in her. After a bit of time passes, go in for a kiss at the end of that 3rd or 4th date/outing (depending on how things unfolded from the beginning until then). If she doesn't want it -- she Doesn't Like You In That Way. If you're too scared to and come up with excuses about timing, etc -- underneath it all, you know she's not interested and you fear the rejection. What he may not understand in that situation is that he's not merely "Friends First" (which is an oxymoron) -- but truly Friend Zoned if it continues on for very long. Whether it be 5 weeks or 5 months -- you're in the same boat as if in the beginning she said she wasn't interested in you in that way but you can be friends.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 222
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/12/2015 1:53:24 PM

During this 5 month friendship, were you expected to pay for the "dates" (technically, not dates, since you were out with a friend), or do you go dutch, or take turns paying? I agree with norwegianguy, in that if she doesn't consider you more that just a friend by now, it's time to put on your friendzone t-shirt. What is your expectation or limit of how long a "just friends for now" should last?


She paid sometimes but more times then not I did most of the paying and that's mostly the dinner part.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 223
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/12/2015 2:08:20 PM
MCL4...there is no dishonor in treating a friend like a friend. Don't seek romance and don't worry about it either.
I have a very good platonic friend, who has her PhD., is a talented athlete, and stunningly attractive. At the same time, she has never (and never will) float my boat romantically. My girlfriend has met her countless times and obviously is not threatened by her.

If this woman is a friend, act accordingly. Treat her with the friendship and courtesy you would provide to ANY of your other friends, regardless of gender. If you grab a cup of coffee together, pay the barista for YOUR order only. If you go out with a larger group, ensure the bill is split however many ways and you are not "picking-up" her share. Date other people, ask her advice about the people whom you date. Simply treat her like a good friend if that's the way it is.

Good luck with your romantic search. :-)
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 224
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/14/2015 12:12:20 AM
Here is the funny part when it comes to pay, she almost does this all the time, the person puts the bill on the table, if it's just a paper she will flip it over look at it and just flip it back down, or the check in the booklet she will open it and look at it and close it back in both times she will glance up at me.

Now if i state from before it's going to be two checks she will question me or say you know I don't have the money on me (Well she got her check from the job today) but still.. Now she went for lunch today and she did offer me twice but I turned it down.

Now we were riding down town and she told me about this Brazilian place and I told her I never had Brazilian food before, and she was like OH you can take me to this place for my birthday (next week)
 carleyrenee1
Joined: 12/13/2014
Msg: 225
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/14/2015 12:24:59 PM
friends first is the safe way to go. i think you get a better idea of what he's going to be like later on if it turns serious. of course most guys are good at faking it so a girl has to have her female radar picker turned on full blast.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 226
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/16/2015 12:01:27 AM

friends first is the safe way to go. i think you get a better idea of what he's going to be like later on if it turns serious.

Friends First does not = "not serious". Friends First = not dating (currently) = just friends at first. Whether you like it or not, the first few dates won't actually make things between you and the other person serious in actuality. And obviously one knows to say "I like to take things slow". If one instead demands to say "Friends First" instead, they want an escape hatch of obligation/responsibility of even merely going out on dates (turning someone down being a common one for some) -- and they just don't merely want to take things slow (ie not fast).
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 227
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/18/2015 11:22:53 PM
When I say it I mean I want to build a reporte with someone and get to know them before going out on a serious romantic date. I think that's what most people mean unless they aren't looking for a relationship.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 228
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/19/2015 3:17:26 AM

When I say it I mean I want to build a reporte with someone and get to know them before going out on a serious romantic date. I think that's what most people mean unless they aren't looking for a relationship.


No offense at all, but that and the whole "friends first" concept is laughably ridiculous. Any *healthy* long term relationship that has withstood the test of time has done so because the couple were friends, and they engage in non sexual activities because they enjoy each others company. That sounds like friends to me.

"Friends first" seems like it translates into "I'm going to make us wait for sex as a test, and after (x period of time) if you're still around you may be deemed worthy"

Yeah, pass...
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 229
view profile
History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/19/2015 4:20:17 AM

Here is the funny part when it comes to pay, she almost does this all the time, the person puts the bill on the table, if it's just a paper she will flip it over look at it and just flip it back down, or the check in the booklet she will open it and look at it and close it back in both times she will glance up at me.

Now if i state from before it's going to be two checks she will question me or say you know I don't have the money on me (Well she got her check from the job today) but still.. Now she went for lunch today and she did offer me twice but I turned it down.

Now we were riding down town and she told me about this Brazilian place and I told her I never had Brazilian food before, and she was like OH you can take me to this place for my birthday (next week)




Sounds like she is just taking advantage of your good nature and is having her cake and eating it.

Perhaps her birthday isn't the best time but when you next go for a meal after that before you sit down ask if she has enough money for her meal. If she says no just say we will have to go for something cheaper then. If she asks why you cant pay, say that you thought she just wants to be friends and you will only pay if she wants a relationship. If she can a find a good answer to that I would be surprised.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 230
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 12:29:29 PM

When I say it I mean I want to build a reporte with someone and get to know them before going out on a serious romantic date.

It's common to build rapport with them before going out on a Serious Romantic Date. Friends First does not mean the mere lack of Serious Romanticism, whether used more literally or even in common slang. Otherwise, people would just say "I like to take it slow" or "I don't like to rush things". So why is it that people who Consciously Choose "friends first" don't want to go by those two examples? Because that means there's still 'something' there -- called Obligation, in the back of their mind. They want to role-play as if they're two friends-of-friends who hang out and mingle 1-on-1, not knowing if one likes the other -- when really they chose each other online or at the bar as opposed to other choices. It's so they can go out on other dates with other people, so in order to alleviate or prevent guilt they add the 'f-word' to it all.

But if you are just/merely friends at first, then you can hit on the waitress or invite a gal out while you're out who ya like. Not cool for the FF instigator? Tough. It's the Friends First instigator who's (like a teen) playing with words -- not the person who'd be flirting or getting #s in front of them in response. If it just means "not a serious date" -- then said instigator should have no problem instead using a more clearer "I don't like to rush things" or "I don't like to jump into anything serious" instead.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 231
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 12:42:53 PM
Msg 259:

...she almost does this all the time, the person puts the bill on the table, if it's just a paper she will flip it over look at it and just flip it back down, or the check in the booklet she will open it and look at it and close it back in both times she will glance up at me.


If she has no intention of contributing to the bill, why is she looking at it? If it was me in your position, I would've said "Have you figured out your portion of the bill?", or "Are you picking up the tab? Thanks."




Now if i state from before it's going to be two checks she will question me or say you know I don't have the money on me (Well she got her check from the job today) but still.. Now she went for lunch today and she did offer me twice but I turned it down.


What is she questioning when you mention separate bills? Are you saying she lied about not having the money, when she said she didn't have money to pay her own bill, then later offered to pay for both of you? With friends like that.....(you know the rest). She obviously considers you her sugar daddy, and you're just at the friends only stage. I can't imagine what she would want if you were to actually date her.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 232
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 1:54:00 PM
Yeah I would be curious what she would have to say about that
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 233
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:12:30 PM
5 months and no a$$? No thanks!!

You guys are friends.

I do not touch a bill unless I am paying it or contributing to it. Why the heck would I touch it and put it back, like what is that? Sounds like she's keeping tabs on how much you are spending....I'm not sure about the reward though.

If she cannot afford to pay for the dates, you may be getting into dangerous territory. Can she really not afford it or it's just that she rather destine her money to something else? I always carry at least $300 when I go on a date. What if my date left his wallet in his car? what if the card is declined? what if he walks out? what if he needs help paying the bill? what if he orders something he can't afford and wants to stick me with the bill? what if I want is the most expensive thing on the menu? I'm not gonna let him pay for that, lol. What if we agree on buying a bottle of wine? In NYC, most bottles of wine are super expensive at restaurants. I've already been on 2 first dates in which they chose to order a bottle of wine and although they paid without flinching, I knew the bill was close to $200.

Many a times, it was their fault the bill surpassed $100, I don't feel responsible for it if he intentionally/unintentionally spikes the bill by ordering drinks or a bottle of wine. I don't surpass 2 drinks if I even choose to drink, and if they have cider beer on tap or bottle (except for Magners), I'll often go for the beer instead of the mixed drink.

In your case, paying a $14 toll because she couldn't afford it, you pay for most dates because she can't afford it.....please don't create things she cannot afford either...like a baby. Let's not enrich the statistics.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 234
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 4:50:03 PM

…when you next go for a meal after that before you sit down ask if she has enough money for her meal. If she says no just say we will have to go for something cheaper then. If she asks why you cant pay, say that you thought she just wants to be friends and you will only pay if she wants a relationship. If she can a find a good answer to that I would be surprised.


So….you recommend humiliation and blackmail? Doesn’t sound like a “friend” to me, and certainly no kind of a boyfriend.


If she has no intention of contributing to the bill, why is she looking at it? If it was me in your position, I would've said "Have you figured out your portion of the bill?", or "Are you picking up the tab? Thanks."


What is with all the passive/aggressive advice for and behavior from the OP? Maleman, you’re a grown ass man. Do you set up women this way? Wait until you’re at the restaurant, then humiliate her? Is there a reason why you and so many other guys it seems, are incapable of communicating with women, or your dates, as to your expectations and hers? What are you afraid of?

You guys seem to thrive on inventing deceptive ways to hurt this woman…is that what you want OP? For everyone to pat your little head and say, “poor you,” and devise ways to trash this girl? Why don’t you leave her alone? Between this thread and the other one you seem to have determined that this woman is not behaving the way you’ve tried to manipulate her into behaving; you’ve trashed her on two threads now so you obviously don’t care about her, so why don’t you break it off with her for good.

Man it up and SAY SO. Your sneaky sniveling behavior is very unattractive. I’m sure if she knew the things you’ve been saying about her on here she’d have no problem letting you off the hook forever.
 MCL4
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 235
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 3/20/2015 5:48:10 PM
Shes said smart things at the table while eating, I was mad enough to walk right out and leave her but I have a heart so I did not.. her reaction about this thread would not really bother her, maybe for the first 24 hours but she will get over it like the last time, if I did not have to snoop for info I would not have to feel this way.

I'm only passing time until this trip which is 29 days left, sure it's not going to be the best because the current circumstances.

But I'm not going to blow my $504 on a trip and not at least go to make use of my time..

Now having said that.. today it was snowing, she asked me to pick her up and get a bite to eat, rather then have her take the bus I did pick her up but she feels like if I'm never doing anything then I have no choice but to pick her up.

As for the bill I don't know but on the ride to dropping her off she was still trying to fish if I can take her on a double date with her friend tomorrow night... why bother? What do I get out of it other then spending money for 2 people and giving you a ride home and you just say "Thank's Mike" no I'm not talking about sex I'm just talking straight affection which she shows little to none, I'm not sure if she can see if she's doing anything wrong or she might be just so used to doing this she's blind.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >