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Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 2
What makes someone needy?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm needy. Not to the point, where I need some man to leech on to. But I do have needs.

I'm not exactly sure what would make others needy, but when you got needs, you got needs.

Hey, I'm just being honest. I understand that this will be linked to my profile, and would probably scare off potential mates, but so be it.
Joined: 5/20/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:24:02 AM
A person should be able to do and care for themselves in all aspects of life. The list is almost inexhaustible but just to give you an idea:

A person should be able to:
- make themselves happy
- support themselves financially
- be motivated enough to arrive at self-actualization (Kurt Goldstein defines self-actualization as a driving life force that will ultimately lead to maximizing one's abilities and determine the path of one's life)

In other words, if you depend on others to provide for you what you are unable or unwilling to provide for yourself, then you are "too needy".
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:31:11 AM
It wasn't the needy that caused the break-up but someone he would sit here basically doing nothing while I worked making me feel pressured to work more quickly when it is impossible to alter the physical qualities of time to do so when he could just as easily have left me alone and watched television with the kids. Realistically, probably would have worked more quickly without him up my butt. Part of his deal was telling me he was worried about my working so much (cyclical situation and I did work a lot during busy periods), that it would damage my health, which I am sure was actually somewhat of a concern for him but it was pretty easy to determine that the majority of his angst was my inability to pay him an extraordinary amount of attention. He also compained that I no longer kissed him passionately every time he left the room (bear in mind again, I am working). It was ridiculous explaining to a 38-year-old person that I really didn't have the time to get hot and bothered every 30 minutes when I had deadlines.

I think when someone needs your time and approval to the point that it makes you uncomfortable and causes you to feel like you are burdened, it is needy. I think it is also when the person has no respect for your needs that it goes from a normal "need" to be with a partner to ripping your hair out behavior. One of the reasons that this is such a relative term is because one person's needy is another's perfect mate. The definition is very wide because some people don't really need personal space or much personal time, others get mental when they don't have a lot of either.

OP, if you are worried about appearing needy, allow him to set the pace, outside letting him know your availability and scheduling. I posted to another thread about pof etiquette and what I have learned in 25+ years of dating cumulatively (married for more than 14 of those, lol) is that there is nothing that is going to chase off a man that really wants you. Possibly not the best example but I told my X very early that I was falling or him, asked him once if that didn't freak him out. He said in a way it did but unlike other situations when he turned tail and ran, he didn't want to run. There is almost nothing you can do unless it is batshit crazy stuff that will chase off a man that is interested and virtually nothing you can do to get someone interested that is just not that into you.

OP, just be you. If a person is normal and you are getting clingy, they will tell you hey, Jane, I need some downtime. If they cannot have a conversation and address this, you are probably lucky if they cut you loose because they are too inflexible to live with.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:50:13 AM

What I find needy is when you're mate is stuck to you like glue and you have to call the local fire department to pry them off of you, you know the type they are so far up your ass, you can taste the shampoo they used to wash their hair.

Da mn it you Iceman, I spit my coffee all over my computer. This is hilarious.

Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:52:32 AM
if you depend on others to provide for you what you are unable or unwilling to provide for yourself, then you are "too needy".

I like this explanation.

For me needy means they cannot entertain themselves, they need my approval constantly (am I sure I want to be with them? Do I really like them? Is there no one else I would rather be with?), they want to be around me too much, they call/text too much, they want a report on what I'm doing, they want to go with me everywhere, etc. A lot of it stems from someone not wanting to be alone, and decides it's my job to make sure they don't have to be. Ick.

Calling me everytime you're bored and requesting my presence is one example.

But yes, if I was the same way I guess I wouldn't feel it was needy. I'm just not that way.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 17
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 8:16:37 AM
Too needy? He lived an hour away, when he couldn't reach me by phone he drove here and sat outside my home until I came back.
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 20
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 9:23:04 AM
Needy is never defined by the so-called needy person, only by the person being bugged by the other's attention. It's an unfair assessment, sometimes.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 22
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 9:41:27 AM
Once upon a time I dated a man who I eventually felt was needy. At first, his willingness to do things for me seemed great, and I was very appreciative of his efforts. He seemed like a giving person. Eventually, though, I realized he was doing things not out of a genuine desire to help, but because he needed the 'feel-goods' of appreciation in order to feel good about himself, to feel he was worthy. He didn't believe he was enough on his own... he needed to do stuff in order to feel good enough.

It's the "in order to" I think one needs to look out for. If you are genuinely giving, it's not about "in order to". While we all need to be appreciated, the need to be appreciated in order to have your sense of worth as a person or value in the relationship validated is where the line lies. Or so it seems to me.
Joined: 1/13/2009
Msg: 23
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 9:47:04 AM
If you need to be in touch with a person 24/7 , that's needy. when people can't give you space, or respect your need for 'me" time , they are too needy.

I find in the online dating age people seem to want to go from single, to full flegde relationship over night. So they end up continously going to a cycle of meeting , dating for a short period, breaking up, repeat the cycle. Then out of frustration they deem the other sex fukked up , and write them off.....
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 24
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 9:58:30 AM
They can't define themselves except through the approval and presence of another. They cling to the "idea" of love as much as love itself. Since they can find nothing in themselves to make them feel complete, they search for a way to do it via someone else...hoping that will glue themselves back together and free them from self-doubt as to their worth. Constantly needing approval and living in fear that you might leave, thereby tearing apart the structure they have built around year....some can barely stand having you leave the house.

someone who smothers you, desperately needing every part of you to be focused on them....calling you, texting you, always asking you how you feel about them, using gifts to bribe you into loving them.

what they feel for you is a dark, twisted kind of love that is barely definable as love at's like a dog fawning on you.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 11:55:10 AM
It's the "in order to" I think one needs to look out for. If you are genuinely giving, it's not about "in order to". While we all need to be appreciated, the need to be appreciated in order to have your sense of worth as a person or value in the relationship validated is where the line lies. Or so it seems to me.

Margo, I love this. I totally agree. I appreciate someone doing things for me because they want to; I never expect it. If I am in someone's life I am there because I want to be, not because they are doing things for me. So I'm not a fan of someone who has the mentality that they need to do for me in order to feel worthy or validated or whatever the issue is (and I agree it's usually about getting an ego stroke in return for doing a great thing, which invalidates the genuine giving theory).
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 30
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 1:26:51 PM

Of course everyone is different, I'm asking for what too needy is to YOU. That's why I ask - I wonder how wide the 'definition' is.

For me? It's a very fine line between wanting to be with me and needing to be with me. I am not capable of being someone's "everything." He needs a full life of his own with a little room for me. It's also a very fine line between being distant and being one's own self. Aloofness/self-centeredness to me = neglectfulness. It's something unique to both parties involved I think. JMO
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 3:45:45 PM

Most people will probably say ...'they call too much","don't give you enough space". But isn't wanting to be in constant contact with a person the basic meaning of a relationship in the first place???

Not necessarily; only as defined by people who's preference it is to be in constant contact...different people are comfortable with different levels. Best bet is to find someone who agrees with your level (or is ok with conforming to it or compromising).
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 38
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/20/2009 7:40:01 PM
If I didn't need anyone, why would I bother humiliating myself with this dog and pony show?
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 3/21/2009 1:52:12 PM
Well I believe when someone is " up your rear end" all the time.........or when they cant make a decision for themself......or they are always calling to be reassured that what they are doing is right......or they want you to do everything for them ......

I have children and I expect them to be needy when they are babies....but you teach them to become independent adults...... ( hopefully) when you come across someone who is like a child that needs constant attention...thats to much for me........
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 43
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:43:41 PM

Put simply? Someone who tries to make YOU responsible for their needs.

The one thing that will make me run for the hills faster than anything is someone who needs to be talking or getting together every second! I can't handle it!

OMFG!!!! I'm with you on that note. I can not stand it when someone needs to be "speaking." There is a HUGE difference in conversing and speaking and I'd opt for silence than idle chit-chat or non-stop yammering.

You can tell a lot just by emailing someone in here.. do they send you 4 messages before you even have a chance to open the first one? Do they get frustrated/annoyed that you don't message them back immediately?

I watched a stupid reality show the other day in which a "life coach" was explaining how to text. The first no-no? Don't send multiple texts until your text has been answered. I agree and same with email. JMO

~OT~ I have noticed due to circumstances in my life, that I can be "needy." When I'm feeling that way? I just stop I re-group and think about what's going on before I involve someone else in my issue(s). Neediness is just so wicked ugly. At least I think so. We need to be wanting, not needing. JMO
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 50
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What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:25:05 AM
Needy is someone who will suck your life force out of you (individualism), and it will still not be enough to make them happy!

But I think we need to come up with another word to describe certain levels of "needy". Some people don't understand "needy" at all!

It's why I'm single. I hate it when I am in a relationship and I lose my lifestyle, and someone wants to be up my arse 24/7!

No thanks, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life!
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 51
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What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/17/2011 12:49:58 PM
People can be needy in lots of different ways, but the bottom line is always that they feel incomplete and unfulfilled without that other person in their lives. Sometimes it's a particular person, for a specific reason; other times anyone will do, and the reason is much more general.

Being "needy" isn't always a terrible thing, because sometimes the need is really just a strong emotional/romantic/loving connection that is felt on both sides. But that is not what we're talking about here.

If a person needs you to feel emotionally fulfilled, and you don't feel the same, you have to decide how much of a problem that is for you. Odds are, it will lead to the other person wanting a much more serious relationship than you want; I'll admit to having been needy in this way myself in the past.

If the "need" is something more tangible -- and I'm talking anything from marriage for status-related reasons to financial dependency -- it's time to run away. Make a clean break, don't go back, don't even look back.
Joined: 8/5/2010
Msg: 56
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/19/2011 2:00:03 PM
Things that makes someone needy is when someone what to hear something to for self gratification such as tell me that you miss me rather then waiting for one to express there feelings naturally . People that can't do things alone and need company all the time.
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 60
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/20/2011 2:58:57 AM
"""NEEDY""" is directly proportional to the inverse ratio of the person they are with and how uninterested they are in the NEEDY person...
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 61
view profile
What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/20/2011 3:47:52 AM
Needy is exhausting! Having someone wanting you to be everything they're missing in life, wanting you to "make" them happy is such a huge burden.
Have an ongoing on again/off again relationship like this. "I'd be happy if you would,,,,", "I do everything for you and you don't appreciate it",,,," I need,,,,".
Jealousy/ anger/ mistrusting/clingy/whiney. Not attractive qualities. Only serves to push a person away. Who wants to feel guilty all the time?
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 62
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What makes someone needy?
Posted: 10/23/2011 9:54:53 AM

"""NEEDY""" is directly proportional to the inverse ratio of the person they are with and how uninterested they are in the NEEDY person...

You know what, I really like that. Very much fits with:

And it is also possible to create 'needy' behaviour in someone else by constantly pulling away from them emotionally so that they are always the one to do the chasing. In this case it probably ndicates a lack of real interest in the person and it would be kinder to end the relationship rather than let it drag on and then accuse them of neediness.

Everything above is a complete definition and cause of 'normal' neediness. Not mentally unbalanced 'be my world' but how a normal person can find themselves labeled as such. Or maybe I'm just rationalizing
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