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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?      Home login  
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 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 222
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this? Page 10 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

"Lord, keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth".


LOVE this and am stealing it!!! lol

Thanks Cindy...I was seeing what I wanted to and NOT what was actually there...my bad....my fault....my mistake that I WON'T be making again, any time soon.....
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 223
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/22/2015 10:14:42 AM
One of my past bosses did this. He had been fired but the company sold and the new owners rehired him. Over 90% of the staff quit after he came back, some suffering egregious stress issues. That is when I hired on due to the vacancies created by his return.

During the time after he was originally fired and rehired he worked for a couple of other companies. Several women filed sexual harassment suits against him during this time. After a while he was refired at our company but I could not have waited it out and left before this happened. During his tenure many personnel left. Most were in counseling just to deal with him. He was a nightmare but the new owners felt the company was not viable without him for some years.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 224
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/24/2015 10:57:53 PM
I had an "ex" who was doing this to me....making me look crazy by "breaking into" my computer and sending deranged emails to people. I was blessed, though. I had two friends -- a couple -- who were computer whizzes and discovered what he was doing. We had the evidence, the DA filed the charges, went to court, and won. I hope that he will think twice, three, or four times before he ever does that to a woman (or a man....because I hear he's a closet gay), again.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 225
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/24/2015 11:01:04 PM
Nobody is putting a bic lighter there after I had asparagus the night before.

and I mean NOBODY!
 healthyhappy1
Joined: 11/21/2014
Msg: 226
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/26/2015 6:48:12 PM
Yes, but I am a natural observer of human nature, and the few times a mentally disturbed person has tried this, I see right through their attempts. I avoid and don't engage with, toxic people in general.
 pepperstrand
Joined: 1/25/2015
Msg: 227
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 9:17:41 AM
So sorry, you were involved with a psychopath. Yes there are men that feel the need to make themselves appear better so they use psychological warfare on their mate. It is not nice, it is not fair and well good for you not putting up with it anymore. It was a way to control you and people like Jim Jones likely used this technique to get people to drink the cool-aid. You likley felt you were the crazy one all the time. Good for you for shaking your head and getting out as this person will likely never change.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 228
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 11:13:15 AM

Abusers can be charming. Keep in mind they know how to manipulate you. After they win your trust slowly but surely the real personality comes out. You fell in love with an imposture. Do abusers change? Yes they do, they get worse. You are in love with an illusion. No one deserves to be abused.


Yes, the one I got involved with was extremely charming but in a subtle, humble, almost shy way. He was also drop dead gorgeous, I very lethal combination. He knew exactly how to manipulate me - thank Goodness I did not trust him enough, otherwise I would not have been digging for evidence online. Seeing what he does to his current "girlfriend" is even more shocking - he is lying to her about everything and she's buying it, despite evidence to the contrary. It's amazing how he keeps getting away with it. Better her than me though, I tried to warn her but she thinks she is going to be "the one" to change him.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 229
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 12:12:00 PM
Many years ago I joined a support group. One of the special events for us, was watching the movie, "Gaslight". I learned a lot from that movie. I attempted to get my mother to watch. She pooh poohed the need.

Last weekend she verbally stated what I have known all my life.

"I believed my husband/your father was head of the household. The church taught me to be a good wife. I was led to believe, he could do nothing wrong. I believed him, when he told me you were lying. I did not protect you. I followed him blindly, because the church taught me to.
I let you go.
And all along you were right. He was not a good man.

Yes, "gaslighting" is real.
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 5/6/2015
Msg: 230
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 1:43:09 PM
It happened to me when I was eighteen. I had panic attacks. To this day, I can't say the person's name out loud. Fortunately for me, it was my first and only time being in an abusive relationship. I do believe my vulnerability at the time had to do with being raised to be a "good girl" and a people pleaser. I got over all that right quick.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 231
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 9:56:07 PM

I do believe my vulnerability at the time had to do with being raised to be a "good girl" and a people pleaser. I got over all that right quick.


That has been my issue as well. I was raised by very controlling parents, was not allowed to voice my own opinion growing up, if I dared "buck the system", I got slapped. Even when my parents are coming to visit me, I seem to revert back into being 12. They completely take over my house, disrespect any boundaries, rearrange stuff in my house without asking me, putting on their rules on my kids, etc. But this summer after I found out the guy I was involved with was a disordered, disturbed individual, I finally stood up to my mother with the end result that she completely stopped talking to me - the silent treatment that I was sooo used to growing up. It was torture being "shunned" like this for days at a time, one of the reasons I moved out from home as soon as I could. I guess she felt she had to punish me that I dared put up some boudaries. NO wonder I'm was such an easy target for this guy - I've been trained never to rock the boat, never to ask uncomfortable questions, being a people pleaser and suffer in silence and only vent to my friends instead of standing up for myself.
 474bluemoon
Joined: 9/24/2015
Msg: 232
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 10:12:58 PM
You know, I'm sorry you're hurting and were hurt. The thing is, six months ago or so when you were talking about this fabulous guy, a guy young enough to be your son...many wise people on here gave you very, very good advice. You chose to ignore them all. Even said we were jealous or didn't understand. You where given pages of advice, all solid. Yes, the odd zinger thrown in. But you basically told everyone to screw off, you knew exactly what you were doing and life would be great. Now you're hurt, feel bruised and used and are blaming everything on this young guy...he's a narcissist, disordered and disturbed. You made a choice, a poor choice, against good advice. Own it and get over it and learn from it.

And yes, there are bad people out there, both genders, that will use us. It's up to us to be smart enough to pick them out.
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 233
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/28/2015 11:06:01 AM

You know, I'm sorry you're hurting and were hurt. The thing is, six months ago or so when you were talking about this fabulous guy, a guy young enough to be your son...many wise people on here gave you very, very good advice. You chose to ignore them all. Even said we were jealous or didn't understand. You where given pages of advice, all solid. Yes, the odd zinger thrown in. But you basically told everyone to screw off, you knew exactly what you were doing and life would be great. Now you're hurt, feel bruised and used and are blaming everything on this young guy...he's a narcissist, disordered and disturbed. You made a choice, a poor choice, against good advice. Own it and get over it and learn from it.


His age had nothing to do with this...older men can and often are more guilty of this type of behavior--stop trying to make someone feel bad for their choice just because it is not a choice you would make. The type of individual who does this isn't normally someone you can tell about UNTIL you get to know them.
 474bluemoon
Joined: 9/24/2015
Msg: 234
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/28/2015 12:44:31 PM
No one said there weren't "bad" men and women out there that will use and abuse or toss aside.

The point I'm making is that some that have a relationship breakup or a perceived relationship that falls apart is to blame the other person. It's not enough to just say "he/she is an azzhole", some have to add the - they are psycho or a narcissist or a classic sociopath. Why can't a few that are tossing around the terms "gaslighting" or "narcissist" actually admit that they have a bad picker and move on.

And really, a 25 year old...jeez, like that was going to work.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 235
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/28/2015 7:57:54 PM
bluemoon, like someone said, age has nothing to do with it. I have dated lots of younger guys and NONE were as deranged as this guy. I can't possibly go into every detail about him, but I have read tons of material about NPD and compared notes with some of his ex GFs and they too, agree, that he fits the description 100%. Oh, and they were younger than him, does make it "better"??

And let me say it again - I never WANTED a "future" with this guy, I would have been happy just being FWB, but HE was the one who was not satisfied with it, he wanted me to be in love with him, be devoted to him, and used lies and manipulation tactics to do so. I have been FWB with another guy his age for over two years, and no such craziness goes on between us, because he is not disordered. There is no need for manipulation, we get along great. Because again, age has nothing to do with it .
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 236
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/28/2015 10:06:56 PM

His age had nothing to do with this...older men can and often are more guilty of this type of behavior--stop trying to make someone feel bad for their choice just because it is not a choice you would make. The type of individual who does this isn't normally someone you can tell about UNTIL you get to know them.


Thank you SunnyGal, I'm also tired of people who are gleefully rubbing it in and keep pointing out that he was "young enough to be my son". BTW, he is now almost 27 - I never would have had a kid at 18. As if that made his behavior OK and exempted him from having this disorder. I have dated lots of younger men without any drama, so I know first-hand that what happened with him was not bound to play out like that. Again, I would have been fine just being friends, but he made darn sure it was always more than that, that I was pining for him and waiting around for him.

When he was staying with me this summer, I even flat-out told him that I was glad to be friends with him again. He immediately and vehemently stated that we were not "just friends" and never would be, that there would always be a lot more between us, and then went on to say that he would be back in the US in two years, and didn't want to date or even talk to any other women when back in Germany, basically saying that he wanted a LTR with me. I laughed and told him I didn't believe it, and he (very convincingly) acted offended and complained that I should take him seriously, blablabla. Yes, in retrospect it looks stupid, but you would have been there to understand just how convincing it all was. He is a first class actor. He told me how he couldn't stand how most women in Germany were tall (he is 6 foot, I'm 5'4"). HOw much he liked "his women" to be short and toned like me. And guess what - his current GF in Germany is his height and flabby (not in shape). He told her that my son is 22 and in the military, when in reality he is 15.

He told his GF in Germany he was going to WA to visit his aunt, when he was really staying with me! He would have sex with me, then in the morning while I was at work call her and tell her how much he missed her and telling bullshit stories about spending time with his family - he has no family at all in WA. When I found out about his GF and exposed his lies to her, he not only denied ever having had sex with me, but he also had some of his flying monkeys call her and pose as his imaginary aunt in WA and tell her that yes, he had indeed stayed with her not with me, and that I was just a crazy ****. How ****ing crazy is that? What normal person goes to those lengths? Answer - a person with NPD. But I guess according to some posters here, because he is young it's ok and normal to lie and manipulate like that. Very telling actually.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 237
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/28/2015 11:59:38 PM
welcome back lifeisgrand and your pooches too. Missed you.

You are so right in what you say but we do allow people to treat us the way they do. Some people think they deserve to be abused and will tolerate it and even invite it. Life is complex.

How anyone would know that 70% of the American population are basically emotionally unhealthy I don't know.
 alaricmaggot
Joined: 9/26/2015
Msg: 238
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/29/2015 1:39:21 PM

That has been my issue as well. I was raised by very controlling parents, was not allowed to voice my own opinion growing up, if I dared "buck the system", I got slapped.


Sounds like the way POF is run these days.
 actualizing
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 239
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/9/2016 6:15:13 PM
Without reading all the posts, yes, I have experienced this. Gaslighting is typical a weapon in the arsenal of a narcissist. My mother was one and she used it lots. My sister also has similar tools in her arsenal. I had to learn to distance myself from these two people. One of my brothers also has these tendencies. I remain open to having relationships with them, but on my terms and turf. I had too many experiences where I was in the grips of these family members. On my turf, I can kick them out when they get stupid.

My strategy is to stay calm, use I statements and then walk away. I point out the behaviour in a factual way and without anger. Often I have to apologize to them for upsetting them because the more calm I am, the more upset they become and then they need someone to blame.

I look at it as a mental illness. It is not really their fault. They need help. I just do not have to put up with the abuse.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 240
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/29/2016 3:51:58 PM
Men are victims of this as well. My ex was/is a total control freak and a master gaslighter
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 241
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/30/2016 12:05:36 AM
I look at it as a mental illness. It is not really their fault. They need help. I just do not have to put up with the abuse.
--=====

NPD/sociopathy or any of the cluster B personality disorders are incurable and these individuals very rarely respond to therapy. My mother has some narcissistic traits, but not full-blown NPD. She also gaslights and we had a fall-out because of it last summer. I also ended a 2.5 year involvement with someone who I finally realized has full-blown NPD. Every word out of his mouth was a lie - but very convincing, so he was a gaslight expert. It is almost unbelievable that people like this exist.
 excusezmoi
Joined: 3/11/2016
Msg: 242
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/2/2016 11:47:21 AM
I have only just read these postings about GASLIGHTING. I have never heard of it before. I came to the forum to try and get a grip on internet dating, but this has helped me immensely in an unrelated situation. Thank you SO MUCH!

I had work to be done in my back yard, and after bad experiences with some tradies, a so-called relative stepped forward to do some work for me. No discounts were sought. I only ever wanted the right job for the right price. He started in a blaze of glory, showering me with expressions of affection and promising "I'll always look after ya"... Aunty...

I heard all the stories about how he and his wife don't get on with the family and he left his last job because his face didn't fit, and some similar issues that made out they were treated badly by all and sundry. I did not initiate these conversations. I'm a bit of a loner myself, so I almost leapt at the idea of someone wanting become close with me. But something, I must admit, did niggle in the back of my mind.

When THEY came to my house, they behaved a bit strangely - wouldn't come inside, wouldn't share a drink with me. I put plenty of refreshments out for them but they brought heaps of their own and didn't touch mine. I offered a key in case they wanted/needed to go inside but they said not necessary. I was rarely there, because I work fulltime, and I prefer to leave workers to get on with their job. I just tried to make them feel welcome.

The first part of the job was done beautifully. It far exceeded my expectations. Payment was immediate, but then I did notice the care factor starting to slip. Maybe my expectation was too high? No. It was 'couldn't be bothered' sort of stuff like not finishing things off neatly and no care taken to prevent overspray - not major, but it registered.

The next part of the job was more specialised and he did a really poor job and what he built failed within a week. He refused to admit that it failed, and started to say he is only doing what I asked him to do. Actually, I asked him to build me something. He sourced and supplied the materials and provided the labour.

In trying to rectify the situation, I bore the cost. I left him to design, choose hardware, and instal... but he was using hardware that didn't fit. He was chopping and hacking and putting bolts in crookedly and doing things that didn't make sense. When I expressed concern, he assured me that there's nothing to worry about ... "it's only a ...."

(Around this time his wife texted a request for a key to get inside in case she needed to use the toilet. It read as though the idea had never come up before! It jarred with me. Of course I left a key)

Okay, I've had tradie problems before, some of which I related to him. (and wish I hadn't as these were 'thrown in my face later), but historically none of my deals has been personal until this one.

Our exchanges became more and more difficult. I was stressed because things were taking unduly too long, and the workmanship was getting (for want of a better word) crappier. The quotes/invoices were one-liners...."supply and instal dot..dot..dot...for $XXX. He'd ask me how I 'wanted' something done. I said I want it done so it holds up and looks aesthetically right. He told me things were 'your choice' that I knew absolutely nothing about. I said I'm not the expert...that's his department.

I tried putting my requests into emails and avoid personal contact.

The work was incomplete with approximately 10% of payment due and I got the email threatening to 'take this further'. (Take WHAT further? I was almost completely paid up in spite of some very average workmanship and had not suggested withholding anything at this point) I told him what I wanted done to complete the job and make final payment. He returned and did some of the finishing off, and some was unacceptable, so I withheld a small amount, explaining why, and also that my final payment was not an expression of satisfaction.

Then I got the email. It hit me like a freight train - a barrage of personal abuse and namecalling- of insults and hurtful personal comments, and things being said behind my back - a vindictive attack - blaming me for everything that went wrong - even accusing me of sabotaging his work! Needless to say, that 'closeness' that might've happened at the beginning is long gone. But he is a family connection, and I now have a situation where some are actually buying into his viewpoint. Some aren't, because they've seen the work, but 'don't want to get involved'. I feel quite abandoned - let down - hurt. He tried to mask his incompetence by denigrating me. He even says I need to 'go and get help'.

I watched the film, 'Gaslighting' - and it was sooooo parallel to my experience. I'm having sleepless nights and having difficulty concentrating on day-to-day stuff because this bothers me so much. I feel slighted, steamrolled, agitated. I am not fighting back because the way things are being twisted and misconstrued, it feels like I would just be feeding the monster. I could easily get the Building Commission to inspect the work and provide an objective report that would be damning, but that could damage his business which is something I do not want to do.

Many suggest that it's best not to engage with toxic people, and I agree with that. This individual is now offering himself (and wife) up my close relatives to 'help out' with stuff when there's been very little association in the past. They're beginning to see this behaviour as rather odd and out of place. I don't need to discuss anything with them. The ones who know me would know that I have not mistreated him or his wife. He has managed to sow the seeds of doubt in my mind as to whether I'm responsible for this poor situation. That self doubt is misplaced, because what the hell transpired should not have turned our association this toxic. I also worry that this doubt will make its way into the minds of people who are my 'inner circle' of loved ones.

My only solution is to shut up, stay apart, and let nature take its course. I know in my heart of hearts that I am totally innocent, and that my treatment is a symptom of something else that is not a part of me, and that is outside of my control.

I've seen a lot of commonalities between engaging tradies and finding love. It can be really damaging to self esteem.
 B_Hasenpfeffer
Joined: 10/6/2014
Msg: 243
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/11/2016 11:12:16 AM
FFS ... WTF is gaslighting and who was the "genius" that came up with the term?? Because it sounds like someone igniting another person's gassy farts with a cigarette lighter.

No, I haven't read 12+ pages of personal stories on this "gaslighting" phenomenon.
 excusezmoi
Joined: 3/11/2016
Msg: 244
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 5:15:39 AM
Just watch the film. It's available on U Tube
 Hair2day_gone2morrow
Joined: 4/7/2016
Msg: 245
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 5:56:47 AM

You are so right in what you say but we do allow people to treat us the way they do. Some people think they deserve to be abused and will tolerate it and even invite it. Life is complex.

How anyone would know that 70% of the American population are basically emotionally unhealthy I don't know.


And sadly, after they have the experience, play the pity card. I'd say the percentage is more like 80+ %
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 246
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 7:30:57 AM

Turn on your heartlight
Let it shine wherever you go
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see


The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?