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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?      Home login  
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 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 226
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this? Page 10 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)


Unfortunately there is a lot of "propaganda:" that likes to blame the victim and label us all "co-dependant" I don't buy that, I was just too trusting and like to believe the best about people.

Not anymore, you have to SHOW ME now.


Yes, I should agree that empathetic, sensitive, and kind people want to see the best in people, and often they invest too much trust before it's earned to give the benefit of doubt to somebody whom they don't know. We are also conditioned to second-guess ourselves and not demand that people earned our trust...sometimes out of fear that our past will be used against us and self-blame and victimization, because we are conditioned to believe, somehow, that our past abuse has everything to do with how we relate to others, instead of taking the responsibility that we actually have the right to say no.

Personal responsibility in the development of our own character, setting limits, and our assurance To ourselves that we are worthy of our own self-love, is the kindest act of genoristy we can bestow upon ourselves.


It's interesting that a post that's two years old would be responded to. Would that be because someone been gas-lit recently?
 pixo26
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 227
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/5/2014 11:56:51 AM
This is called PERSONALITY DISORDER and is the result of abuse of the abuser in childhood. Look deeply into their past and you will find child abuse against them of either emotional, physical, sexual or more than one. Often the mother is blamed by men for not protecting them and his then manifests in all women seen as either black or white but not as all of us are a little of both.

Take care men and women of the man/woman who loves you too soon, seems to perfect too soon, seduces you with passionate advances and wants to commit much too soon. These people are not the real person you see and will change as soon as you are hooked!! They will break your heart, your self esteem and not care a jot!
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 228
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/5/2014 4:36:13 PM
Yes narcissist is not the right term for what is being described, although he may well be that as well. It is personality disorder, even sociopathic or in the extreme psychopathic. Which is what Pixo26 is describing. Very good warning by her as well. If it seems too good to be true, it usually is. Run a mile from anyone who says on the first meeting or date that you are "the one"!!!

The mother may have a lot to do with the way a son turns out, but not entirely and not always. The tendency to the problem has to be there from the beginning.
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 229
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/5/2014 8:50:12 PM
It will actually be interesting in this country when things get tough again , and they will , and people don't have access to their therapists any more .
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 230
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/7/2014 11:54:44 AM

and people don't have access to their therapists any more


Many of those people are here on the forums now:)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 231
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/7/2014 5:20:31 PM
those who can't access their therapist and his prescription pad, still has the neighborhood watering hole for self medication. :)

a few times in my childhood, I did meet people who second-guessed their logical thinking. They were sharing a roof with someone who failed to live in a logical way--for whatever reason. So, the second-guessers would come to me and ask, "let me run this by you, you tell me if this makes sense." I always felt bad for someone living in a situation where they guessed their ability to solve problems in a logical way, b/c their housemate refused to. I can only imagine questioning reality was just around the corner.

Having a natural curiousity, I tend to try to understand things, so if someone questions my ability to see what's really there...I can usually assume that, I am actually correct and they're an arsehole. Not to say that I am correct in everything or that I can't learn something new, but if someone's gaslighting me, I can figure out that its them, not me. Maybe b/c I learned at a young age that people in authority can be jerkoffs too, so I don't automatically assume that someone is right and I am wrong. I try to think it thru before jumping to a conclusion.

But, there was some psych research somewhere claiming that generally speaking, women may be more likely to accept the blame for some things, while men generally may be less likely to let blame get in the way of their goal. If that is indeed true, I could see how some people might be more of a successful target for gas-lighting.
 Debisue64
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 232
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/9/2014 3:13:54 PM
As for women accepting blame....

It must be my fault.... I picked him?
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 233
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/14/2014 6:54:41 AM
I think everyone experiences it once and if you are wise never again. I never knew it had a name to it.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 234
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/16/2014 9:45:51 PM
"As for women accepting blame....It must be my fault.... I picked him?"

>>>if someone has a habit of picking the same type, over and over...I think you'll agree, that person has a pattern, and they'll only fix it when they are ready to do so. Which in a way means...they have responsiblity for fixing the pattern, and thus the problem. no one can force them to change (except of course thru the use of force).

If I make the poor decision of drinking and driving...who's responsible for any car accident that occurs? It may be only one time I made that mistake, but I still get stuck with the responsibility. Technically, if you make the choice to do something, you are responsible for it. That doesn't mean you should be demonized, it means you are the one with the control to keep the mistake from occuring in the first place.

Of course, most of us learn...by making mistakes :)
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 235
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/23/2014 10:33:57 AM
My mother's version of reality was muuuch different than mine. As a child I knew that someone was pretty effed up, and I assumed it was me. Especially since my sister was more like her, and would do things to feed into our mother's version of reality, to please her and ultimately get her way. She played the game and 'won'. While for me it didn't matter what I did, I could never gain her favor. It left me feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me, and sometimes I felt the world would be better off without me. But still, I was too prideful to play the game, and half the time I didn't know what that was anyway? So I became a handy dandy scapegoat. I would rather take a beating than sell my soul.

As I got older, I realized that it was a compliment to not fit in with any of that. But it did leave me vulnerable to certain types. It took me many years to peel back the layers of certain patterns, but now I can smell things a mile away.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 236
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 12/23/2014 12:30:20 PM
As an only child, it always interests me how in multi-child households, there are roles generally assumed--the baby who never grows up, the leader, etc. I'm sure there are clinical names for them. If one works in a company that lacks good leadership, one sees adult employees fall into the same roles. It makes office politics easier if you understand them--I could get a lot done by knowing which "roleplayer" to approach to get permission to do a project....or to stall off a bad project by getting the manager who's afraid to make any moves on board. the roleplayers would get fustrated they couldn't get the world to work their way, while I got the right things done.

My father had his demons, my mother pretended to be too busy, and being a stereotypical guy, I didn't even consider the problems of my family to be caused in any way by me :) But its pretty easy to see, when you get to know someone well enough they talk about their family, where their particular personality comes from. what they think is important, what they believe to be true, what they never see due to the blinders they choose, what types of personal prison cells they lock themselves into mentally, etc.

sometimes on the forums, you can see some manipulation going on in responses, as someone somehow avoids the topic they are responding to. that's not in reference to anyone above me, of course, its just a general observation. I think by our 40's, however, everyone's finally old enough to see gaslighting for what it is. Some may have spent their 20's excusing it, their 30's understanding it, and thus reach the "age of aha".
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 237
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/10/2015 5:02:30 PM
Wow, I initiated this thread a long time ago and it seems to be still going strong. I will have to take some time to read it and update myself. I believe still that both men and women can be victims of malice and deceit. The lesser versions of blaming someone for something you simply disagree on or the more passive aggressive acts, instead of just talking things out or being direct, is more prevalent. If two people cannot both grow, let alone grow a relationship, then it is very sad. If one person brings it to the edge with malicious deception and the other falls for it, then it has lasted way too long. As for me, I sadly don't have much more tolerance for even name calling, let alone all this drama. I have, I hope, learned this lesson--although clearly, another one always seems to arise. Of late, it has been a lack of balance of responsibility, growth and some sort of shared vision that has thrown me off balance emotionally. I don't fool easily any more. But what is said is that even in lesser situations, you can love some people, but just cannot live with them. So, often you just have to stop playing the game. With gaslighting, that is a game that has gone on way too long. I hope I never again see that one to rear it's ugly head. At some point, if you cannot trust your own instincts, how can you trust anyone else? For those suffering, please love yourself and get out of this kind of mess.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 238
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/13/2015 12:48:08 PM
Take care men and women of the man/woman who loves you too soon, seems to perfect too soon, seduces you with passionate advances and wants to commit much too soon. These people are not the real person you see and will change as soon as you are hooked!! They will break your heart, your self esteem and not care a jot!


One experience with such an individual was enough for me to do what was necessary to prevent it from happening again. I see it as a positive experience, because I actually learned some useful interpersonal skills from it. Consequently, his bad behavior indirectly led to my finding success with my current partner.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 239
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/13/2015 2:48:57 PM

Wow, I initiated this thread a long time ago and it seems to be still going strong. I will have to take some time to read it and update myself. I believe still that both men and women can be victims of malice and deceit. The lesser versions of blaming someone for something you simply disagree on or the more passive aggressive acts, instead of just talking things out or being direct, is more prevalent. If two people cannot both grow,


I love the whole concept of growth. I'm dating my ex husband, have for a while & it works very well because we both grew & now are way more suited for each other. We always had a certain level of attraction & banter & now things are even better as we both matured.

Kudos to you for starting this thread. OT- When I replied to one of ur posts in another thread, I hadn't looked at ur ad. I thought u were about 50 & resemble Jennifer Beals. Holy cow, what do you use on your skin, I looked at ur ad after I posted, u look almost 20 years younger than the age in your ad???
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 240
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:17:42 PM
blonde angel, what do i use to look younger? aside from sun screen powder, light botox and restylane once or twice a year (no drooling please), hair dye, and if i show any dark circles, which I have, I lighten them with makeup or software, lol. on days that i feel sick from my lyme disease, i look older . but probably not 66. i am usually taken for mid 50's. some say younger, but i don't think that is realistic. because of the botox and restylane, i do look younger. i started that at age 60. i don't recommend to overdo these things at a younger age, but start saving up for when you do need it. way back there was a thread on this someplace:) but for now, taking off that 30 pounds i gained from stress in the past months. i think when you feel good, you look better.

that is amazing that the ex and you are working out.

see there is life after gas lighting people!!!!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 241
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 5:53:50 AM
TY, the ny cold winters can be h e l l on a woman's skin! I bet the sunscreen helps though, my ob/gyn offers injections but I am too chicken!

Well you lost more than 30 lbs when you gave up the gas lighting man.

When I was a little girl, I saw the movie & liked it & saw it a few times again as I got older & oftentimes used the phrase "she's gaslighting you" etc. & the majority of people didn't get the reference.

In the movie, the evil hubby kept doing something w/ the lights in the house to make her think she was imagining things...

I wonder if the "gas lighters" of the world are conscious of what they do, or if they believe their own BS...I guess no two are exactly alike, but they do follow a pattern.

I assume most gaslighters have BPD.

Once you've dealt w/ one or two, you recognize the behaviors/traits in others pretty quickly.

One of my last employers was a three ring circus & if someone can be BPD & Bi-polar & a narcissist, it would be her. After a while her behavior was so predictable.

I joined a woman's group last year, over all I enjoy it, but there is one woman who manipulates some of the others who don't see through it & I avoid her like the plague & know how to handle her. She is a gas lighter IMO.

When I did OLD b4 getting back w/ my ex, many of the men I met seemed to fall into a clear category. I am sure some were gas lighters, many of the games began b4 they even met me. And when I saw that, there was no meeting.

OP I hope your next relationship is as romantic as candlelight but as strong as a beacon from a lighthouse.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 242
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 11:56:02 AM
Were you hurt when you fell out of heaven Angel?

I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame...
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 243
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 11:58:31 AM
ooops. double post:(
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 244
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 1:17:35 PM
well TY Clooney- I stole ur line LOL
if I were single & on the west coast I'd cougarize you ;0P
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 245
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 3:58:21 PM
Wow
I don't want to call it "ironic" that serenity posted a topic years ago and now it has come back around-that has kind of a bitter connotation that I certainly do not mean.
I'm sorry that the relationship isn't working, serenity. But that happens.
I think gaslighting may be more prevalent, in subtle ways, than any of us really realize.
Cindy O
 Dancing_4_You
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 246
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:17:02 PM
ladyc4, I do remember you!

I think the original concept of gaslighting via the movie, was more focused on a deliberate attempt to drive a woman mad by manipulating her physical environment and then denying that anything was happening. This also could have been a man btw. Later on, it became a term used by victims of domestic violence. Either/or these are very scarey. I believe this was pure sociopathy. My relationship was not that scarey, nor sociopathic. I think a lot more to do with depression and an extreme introvert mind who did not cough up stuff for communication, nor really get me end of it. A lot has happened with this relationship this week and still wrapping my brain around it. So, I don't think gas lighting is more prevalent, although maybe more broadly used and discussed. I just think these times are hard and there are a lot of relationship issues that surface and if left untended, become even more difficult. Such is life in the fast lane:) I "am" joking around with that NYC humor again. That is a good sign!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 247
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:27:10 PM
^^ sometimes just a passive manipulation can be unsettling & the person is not even a sociopath

Had a friendly acquaintance that was a passive manipulator & when I didn't play the role in her script, the acquaintance did NOT go to being friends.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 248
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/15/2015 10:21:30 AM
Well, I hope that the situation works out for the best.
Sometimes I wonder if we haven;t somehow lost the knack or the art(whatever it is) of forging relationships that last forever.
Make no mistake, I know tons of older couples that have been married 50+ years. And I see young couples that sure look like they are going to last. I've even seen a few 2nd marriages that I was surprised to find out they WERE. I've seen non-cohabiting LTRs that have lasted 20+years,
But still I see more and more 2nd& 3rd committed relationships/marriages that aren't holding up. maybe it IS a matter of starting out young and molding to one another.
And it is true, we can't just label every manipulative behavior as "gaslighting", but I still wonder if something very fundamental in how we approach pair-bond relationships hasn't changed.
Cindy O
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 249
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/15/2015 1:29:44 PM

Sometimes I wonder if we haven;t somehow lost the knack or the art(whatever it is) of forging relationships that last forever.


I wonder too, Cindy, I wonder, too....


And it is true, we can't just label every manipulative behavior as "gaslighting", but I still wonder if something very fundamental in how we approach pair-bond relationships hasn't changed.


Another thing that I, too, wonder...seems like it used to be "easier"...Less expectations? More time so less anxiety over the "ticking clock"?
I don't know anymore but it DOES seem to be more difficult these days....
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 250
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/21/2015 2:04:24 AM
This is how abuse works

The abuser abuses you,
They blame you,
They shame you,
They deny the abuse,
They tell you that you are crazy

Abusers hate themselves, they project on to you all of their issues. There goal is to beat you down until they can totally control you. They are losers who feel powerless in life. They are emotional vampires who want to feed off of you and suck the life juices out of you.

I avoid toxic people at all costs. When you become emotionally strong the abusers will leave you alone. Abusers think that kindness means you are weak.

Abusers have no eyes and no ears. They will not listen to you, they do not see you. An abuser is not capable of love.

I have a girl friend who is a therapist she tells me that 70% of the American population is emotionally unhealthy. Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me.

Abusers can be charming. Keep in mind they know how to manipulate you. After they win your trust slowly but surely the real personality comes out. You fell in love with an imposture. Do abusers change? Yes they do, they get worse. You are in love with an illusion. No one deserves to be abused.
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