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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?      Home login  
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 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 183
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this? Page 12 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
welcome back lifeisgrand and your pooches too. Missed you.

You are so right in what you say but we do allow people to treat us the way they do. Some people think they deserve to be abused and will tolerate it and even invite it. Life is complex.

How anyone would know that 70% of the American population are basically emotionally unhealthy I don't know.
 alaricmaggot
Joined: 9/26/2015
Msg: 184
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/29/2015 1:39:21 PM

That has been my issue as well. I was raised by very controlling parents, was not allowed to voice my own opinion growing up, if I dared "buck the system", I got slapped.


Sounds like the way POF is run these days.
 actualizing
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 185
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/9/2016 6:15:13 PM
Without reading all the posts, yes, I have experienced this. Gaslighting is typical a weapon in the arsenal of a narcissist. My mother was one and she used it lots. My sister also has similar tools in her arsenal. I had to learn to distance myself from these two people. One of my brothers also has these tendencies. I remain open to having relationships with them, but on my terms and turf. I had too many experiences where I was in the grips of these family members. On my turf, I can kick them out when they get stupid.

My strategy is to stay calm, use I statements and then walk away. I point out the behaviour in a factual way and without anger. Often I have to apologize to them for upsetting them because the more calm I am, the more upset they become and then they need someone to blame.

I look at it as a mental illness. It is not really their fault. They need help. I just do not have to put up with the abuse.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 186
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/29/2016 3:51:58 PM
Men are victims of this as well. My ex was/is a total control freak and a master gaslighter
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 187
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/30/2016 12:05:36 AM
I look at it as a mental illness. It is not really their fault. They need help. I just do not have to put up with the abuse.
--=====

NPD/sociopathy or any of the cluster B personality disorders are incurable and these individuals very rarely respond to therapy. My mother has some narcissistic traits, but not full-blown NPD. She also gaslights and we had a fall-out because of it last summer. I also ended a 2.5 year involvement with someone who I finally realized has full-blown NPD. Every word out of his mouth was a lie - but very convincing, so he was a gaslight expert. It is almost unbelievable that people like this exist.
 excusezmoi
Joined: 3/11/2016
Msg: 188
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/2/2016 11:47:21 AM
I have only just read these postings about GASLIGHTING. I have never heard of it before. I came to the forum to try and get a grip on internet dating, but this has helped me immensely in an unrelated situation. Thank you SO MUCH!

I had work to be done in my back yard, and after bad experiences with some tradies, a so-called relative stepped forward to do some work for me. No discounts were sought. I only ever wanted the right job for the right price. He started in a blaze of glory, showering me with expressions of affection and promising "I'll always look after ya"... Aunty...

I heard all the stories about how he and his wife don't get on with the family and he left his last job because his face didn't fit, and some similar issues that made out they were treated badly by all and sundry. I did not initiate these conversations. I'm a bit of a loner myself, so I almost leapt at the idea of someone wanting become close with me. But something, I must admit, did niggle in the back of my mind.

When THEY came to my house, they behaved a bit strangely - wouldn't come inside, wouldn't share a drink with me. I put plenty of refreshments out for them but they brought heaps of their own and didn't touch mine. I offered a key in case they wanted/needed to go inside but they said not necessary. I was rarely there, because I work fulltime, and I prefer to leave workers to get on with their job. I just tried to make them feel welcome.

The first part of the job was done beautifully. It far exceeded my expectations. Payment was immediate, but then I did notice the care factor starting to slip. Maybe my expectation was too high? No. It was 'couldn't be bothered' sort of stuff like not finishing things off neatly and no care taken to prevent overspray - not major, but it registered.

The next part of the job was more specialised and he did a really poor job and what he built failed within a week. He refused to admit that it failed, and started to say he is only doing what I asked him to do. Actually, I asked him to build me something. He sourced and supplied the materials and provided the labour.

In trying to rectify the situation, I bore the cost. I left him to design, choose hardware, and instal... but he was using hardware that didn't fit. He was chopping and hacking and putting bolts in crookedly and doing things that didn't make sense. When I expressed concern, he assured me that there's nothing to worry about ... "it's only a ...."

(Around this time his wife texted a request for a key to get inside in case she needed to use the toilet. It read as though the idea had never come up before! It jarred with me. Of course I left a key)

Okay, I've had tradie problems before, some of which I related to him. (and wish I hadn't as these were 'thrown in my face later), but historically none of my deals has been personal until this one.

Our exchanges became more and more difficult. I was stressed because things were taking unduly too long, and the workmanship was getting (for want of a better word) crappier. The quotes/invoices were one-liners...."supply and instal dot..dot..dot...for $XXX. He'd ask me how I 'wanted' something done. I said I want it done so it holds up and looks aesthetically right. He told me things were 'your choice' that I knew absolutely nothing about. I said I'm not the expert...that's his department.

I tried putting my requests into emails and avoid personal contact.

The work was incomplete with approximately 10% of payment due and I got the email threatening to 'take this further'. (Take WHAT further? I was almost completely paid up in spite of some very average workmanship and had not suggested withholding anything at this point) I told him what I wanted done to complete the job and make final payment. He returned and did some of the finishing off, and some was unacceptable, so I withheld a small amount, explaining why, and also that my final payment was not an expression of satisfaction.

Then I got the email. It hit me like a freight train - a barrage of personal abuse and namecalling- of insults and hurtful personal comments, and things being said behind my back - a vindictive attack - blaming me for everything that went wrong - even accusing me of sabotaging his work! Needless to say, that 'closeness' that might've happened at the beginning is long gone. But he is a family connection, and I now have a situation where some are actually buying into his viewpoint. Some aren't, because they've seen the work, but 'don't want to get involved'. I feel quite abandoned - let down - hurt. He tried to mask his incompetence by denigrating me. He even says I need to 'go and get help'.

I watched the film, 'Gaslighting' - and it was sooooo parallel to my experience. I'm having sleepless nights and having difficulty concentrating on day-to-day stuff because this bothers me so much. I feel slighted, steamrolled, agitated. I am not fighting back because the way things are being twisted and misconstrued, it feels like I would just be feeding the monster. I could easily get the Building Commission to inspect the work and provide an objective report that would be damning, but that could damage his business which is something I do not want to do.

Many suggest that it's best not to engage with toxic people, and I agree with that. This individual is now offering himself (and wife) up my close relatives to 'help out' with stuff when there's been very little association in the past. They're beginning to see this behaviour as rather odd and out of place. I don't need to discuss anything with them. The ones who know me would know that I have not mistreated him or his wife. He has managed to sow the seeds of doubt in my mind as to whether I'm responsible for this poor situation. That self doubt is misplaced, because what the hell transpired should not have turned our association this toxic. I also worry that this doubt will make its way into the minds of people who are my 'inner circle' of loved ones.

My only solution is to shut up, stay apart, and let nature take its course. I know in my heart of hearts that I am totally innocent, and that my treatment is a symptom of something else that is not a part of me, and that is outside of my control.

I've seen a lot of commonalities between engaging tradies and finding love. It can be really damaging to self esteem.
 B_Hasenpfeffer
Joined: 10/6/2014
Msg: 189
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/11/2016 11:12:16 AM
FFS ... WTF is gaslighting and who was the "genius" that came up with the term?? Because it sounds like someone igniting another person's gassy farts with a cigarette lighter.

No, I haven't read 12+ pages of personal stories on this "gaslighting" phenomenon.
 excusezmoi
Joined: 3/11/2016
Msg: 190
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 5:15:39 AM
Just watch the film. It's available on U Tube
 Hair2day_gone2morrow
Joined: 4/7/2016
Msg: 191
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 5:56:47 AM

You are so right in what you say but we do allow people to treat us the way they do. Some people think they deserve to be abused and will tolerate it and even invite it. Life is complex.

How anyone would know that 70% of the American population are basically emotionally unhealthy I don't know.


And sadly, after they have the experience, play the pity card. I'd say the percentage is more like 80+ %
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 192
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 4/14/2016 7:30:57 AM

Turn on your heartlight
Let it shine wherever you go
Let it make a happy glow
For all the world to see


The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?