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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?      Home login  
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 destiny.laughed
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 101
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this? Page 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
It's been interesting to read this thread. I believe that this actually happened to me in childhood.

It's made it difficult for me to trust my own judgement.
 jham123
Joined: 5/29/2010
Msg: 102
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/15/2012 8:36:30 AM

Oh and Jham123.. your information is invaluable. Thanks so much for sharing it :)

Thank you, back. This whole thing to me was so so enlightening and it explained past relationships I had as well. Seems I have dated strings of ClusterBs throughout my life, any serious relationship "I" seem to have had came at the hands of an abuser. Oh, I dated Normal women, but INSIDE of me there is something that attracts me to them as well......I have co-dependent issues up the wazzu and though a normal woman would be interested in me, She didn't offer the "lightening in a bottle" that a whacked out ClusterB offered.....This one is very hard to explain in a paragraph....just understand that this phenom exist on face value....

Anyway, these days, I am totally refocused on the type of woman that interests me (confession time) I see those petite Brunettes with wild eyes and my pecker starts dancing around!!!! My big head goes "We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you STFU!!!" lol.....Reel it back in boys...no more whacky for my wanky! (Guess that reference for 50 Forum bux)

On a serious note, I am looking for a companion later in life, not heart palpitations. It's way way different today...and just two weeks ago at a High School Reunion, I was up to bat with a hottie.....after about 10 minutes of red flags...I found a way to disappear into the crowd and leave her to whatever came her way.......I was proud of myself...in the old days I would have said or done anything to close that deal. Today...not so much.....


Unfortunately, if you have to parent a kid with your gaslighter, the "fun" hasn't ended yet. It's tough.

Ahhh, this is the truth from hell. This is what makes it so so sticky moving forward. The thing with ClusterBs is that once you find out they are Stage 5 Nutters, the only way to stop the crazy is to go "No Contact"..

But with kids, how do you do that?

You have limit contact to email exchanges etc. Your Ex ClusterB will use the kid exchange to further abuse you and to try to suck you back in to their world of crazy (Called Hoovering) They need you, you are a good source for their Narcissism....so you are their supply. (notice that when you cut things off from your ClusterB, they replaced you within months?? They need their "drug".....someone to abuse and belittle)

So, the kid exchange always has a potential to go badly.......try to limit all contact and possibly stay in the car while the kids transfer and always meet in a public place if you can....
 jham123
Joined: 5/29/2010
Msg: 103
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/23/2012 8:50:48 AM

people with this disorder (usually men)

was this your "opinion"? if so misandry is just a bad as misogyny. Please refrain from stereotyping if you aren't sure of what it is you speak about.

http://www.batteredmen.com/fiebertg.htm


Studies of spousal and dating violence indicate that women are as likely as men to assault their partners physically. This investigation examined the issue of the initiation of physical assaults by women on their male partners and the reasons offered for such behavior. Responses from 978 female college women indicate that, within a 5-year period, 20% (n=285) admitted to physical aggression against their male partners. Younger women in their 20s were significantly more likely to aggress physically than women who were 30 years and above. Women stated that they expressed aggression toward their male partners because they wished to engage their partner's attention, particularly emotionally. Also, assaultive women did not believe that their male victims would be seriously injured or would retaliate.
 tuloa942
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 104
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/23/2012 9:26:46 PM
I had a boyfriend whose former wife stabbed him in the arm with a pencil. His response to my asking if he called the police was that he thought it would be too much chaos for his daughters. I also have done online research into spousal abuse of all kinds and you are right jham, it is just as likely for women as for men to assault their partners physically.

I do think the woman being accused of misandry may just be misinformed. It seems as if she was making assumptions and giving opinions rather than stating facts. That does not mean she deserves condescension or labeling. It looks as if there is stereotyping going on everywhere.

Everyone, including me, tends to see things from our own history. Our past experiences shadow ALL of our reactions. I have tried very hard to learn from it and to not repeat what was done to me. When I am triggered by someone else's words and deeds, I try to remember what I have learned and try my hardest to state my opinions in an adult manner. If I can't do that, I walk away.

p.s. I think everyone has been very brave in sharing their experiences.
 Noontillthree
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 105
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/26/2012 4:17:13 PM
Anyone ever come upon an old post like this and wonder if the person who psted it is still alive?
 tuloa942
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 106
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/26/2012 5:01:36 PM
If you look at the OPs profile, you can see she is still alive, in a new relationship and seems very happy.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 107
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/27/2012 6:09:09 AM
JHAM123 - Anyone who has never experienced this phenomenon should read your posts..it explains how they suck you in then work their evil and destroy your soul.

I sometimes think that they are soul stealers.

Im happy to say I can spot one within 5 minutes and avoid and run without looking back.
 Adored45
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 108
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/28/2012 5:29:46 AM
This is borderline personality disorder! See gettinbetter.com...amazing free articles! Yes I am a former victim and whew what a painful ordeal..
 Adored45
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 109
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/28/2012 5:32:18 AM
Addictions are side effects of BPD....learn to spot the charismatic BPD and run like you've never run before!
 RuralUrbanNZ
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 110
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 8/30/2012 6:42:10 PM
I dated a guy who when he broke up with me - told me that he was scared of me - why? because he would do stuff in the kitchen and never put anything back where he found it and I would ask him why he continually put stuff in places he had not found them in.

long sentence I know - but - it would drive me nuts. when I spent time at his place I always put stuff back where i found it.

I never harped. I just asked how come? and then put it back where it had been found in the first place.

And it was only the in the kitchen. He was fine everywhere else. FOTFLOL
 1RainHiker1
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 111
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/15/2012 11:07:51 PM
You are describing what is call Narcisstic abuse..it is horrible, horrible way to live, it's usallly from the male..it takes a toll on all family memebers-

Good luck and dont hook into it-

RainHiker
 jham123
Joined: 5/29/2010
Msg: 112
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/17/2012 3:25:27 PM
Sorry rainHiker, I've already posted empirical data that women abuse "as much, if not more" than their male counterparts.

In lieu of my posting this factual info along with links so that you can verify for yourself, why then, would you spew such misinformation?

Kinda abusive to the males on this board to characterize them as the abuser when in fact they are subject to abuse on "EQUAL" basis......
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 113
view profile
History
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/17/2012 4:43:51 PM
TY jham for your info... peace!!
 jham123
Joined: 5/29/2010
Msg: 114
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/18/2012 1:15:41 PM
You are welcome, anything I can do to help is my pleasure to do so.

Remember POFer' s Mental and Emotional abuse is a two way street. It is an equal opportunity abuser.....no one gender is safe and no single gender is the perpetrator. Misandry is just as bad as misogyny.....but when some women perpetrate Misandry (evident throughout this very thread) it's always viewed as "It's different when I do it".....please try to refrain from committing Misandry the same way society has trained me not to be a chauvinistic pig against Women.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 115
view profile
History
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/18/2012 2:31:09 PM
I have seen both men and women , who were cheating and their partner suspected
try and convince their partner that he or she was crazy and imaging things.
isn't this the same type of abuse ..?
 jham123
Joined: 5/29/2010
Msg: 116
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/23/2012 10:24:45 AM

I have seen both men and women , who were cheating and their partner suspected
try and convince their partner that he or she was crazy and imaging things.
isn't this the same type of abuse ..?

Sort of, but what you describe is more overt than the typical gaslight. Your example is just more lies on top if a lie.

Gaslighting usually is much more subtle and covert. They say something that you clearly hear them say....then you call them on what they said...and they back peddle claiming that they never said what you KNOW you heard them say.

If you aren't familiar with this concept and if you are still in the FOG of your abuser, you will begin to believe them and think that there may be something wrong with you.

Adding a personal touch to this, my STBX said something very heinous in a couples counseling session....when I focused on her EXACT words, repeated them, When she heard the words that she just said and how bad they sounded.....she claimed she said something different. I told her, "No, you said 'x"......the therapist chimed in and helped my STBX gaslight me by trying to also claim that she said something different.

unfortunately for both of them, I had a digital recorder in my pocket at the time.....I caught the whole thing recorded digitally......I didn't confront the therapist, I just refused to subject myself to her BS ever again....I never confronted STBX either....I soon learned that NPD/BPD/HPD is not something the spouse can fix......only the person with the Disorder can can help themselves.

The Digital recording helped me to determine that I was not crazy and I was not hearing things....it confirmed that I was being gaslighted, manipulated, controlled, guilted, at many many different levels.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 117
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/4/2012 7:25:33 PM
JHAM'S posts are spot on to the' T'... Im thought of as a strong woman BUT my choice of men have been poor. When I look back at my past I realise Ive been a codependant to NPD's (narcisistic abusers). ..its hard to explain to people who have not encounted npd's because its a madness swirl that we dont even know that we are entangled in. They are very good at their covert abusive skills... Bad humor is disguised, teasing is disguised, finally it all turns into emotional/mental/verbal ABUSE.

PDSD can last for a long time..again, this can be confusing to many people..why am I single? why dont I have a bf? why dont I date?

Dont ever want to go through it again, .... ever!

Im over the darkness and finally have seen a glimmer of light. :)
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 118
view profile
History
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/9/2012 12:59:39 AM
geeze, this thread is still going strong. will have to make some time to read it and then make some comments. hope you guys are keeping with the topic:)

not sure if i said before, so long ago, but eventually you learn to pick people who are good to you. just have to find other ways to get one's adrenalin rush. i remember in an al anon meeting many moons ago, a double winner guy who was also in AA said sometimes us codependent types found healthy relationhips "boring". i understand that now. i think joy might be a good substitute. i found peace and lost it. recouping that. joy versus crazy adrenaline highs, would be very welcome.

ps my current relationship is not at all abusive, in fact quite the contrary. we argue, but we take turns and forgive. as for the chemistry, it is strong. so, not sure that is the underlying variable, meaning find someone not attracted to. i think you need the attraction, but must learn some different "games".
 HappinessOK
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 119
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/9/2012 2:58:37 PM
SERENITY ^^^^^ Good to hear that you moved on and was able to find a healthy relationship. I know I am codependant and I do find "normal " people extremely boring (not that Im into outcasts) my usual choices are great outside shell with a rotten interior core (which only shows thru when Im hooked on them)

I hope to find what you have found one day..but I doubt it...

I wish you the best! Happiness
 lonelyleo1965
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 120
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/9/2012 5:08:09 PM
I for one am glad this thread is going strong and that I found it. I went through this with my last relationship and couldn't for the life of me figure out what had gone wrong or what I was doing wrong in the relationship. I did everything I could think of and spent a fortune taking her out to try and make her happy to no avail. Everything had been great until we moved in together and she just did a complete 180. She put me through exactly what you described your ex doing to you but I got out of there really quick.I hope I can have the luck that you found now and find someone who will treat me as I treat her and not have my self worth questioned again. And to anyone else going through this situation my advice is not to walk away but RUN AWAY fat. It will only get worse the longer you stick around. Good luck to all.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 121
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/9/2012 6:29:28 PM
JHAM123 (tried pm'ing you but would not allow me )
Thank you for the note. I like reading your responses because a truer word is'nt spoken !
I can honestly say, I am PETRIFIED of dating any man again..they seem so nice at first.
As for choosing another type..wouldnt you agree you have to be attracted to that person ? the attraction for me is wit, charm, humor and that 'cheekiness' its sucks me in everytime.
I was talking to a guy last week on POF, he tells me he's urgently looking for a new place to rent or buy..soo I offer to help (Im a realtor), he agrees, I sent him various listings with explanations on the properties (doing my job above and beyond) only to be told yesterday not to manipulate him or force him into anything. OMG! I was HELPING him in his urgency! I feel so insulted that I feel sick inside. So do you see? I dont ever want to be hurt again.
Any how thanks again..and I wish you all the luck!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 122
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/10/2012 8:22:48 AM
A man I worked with was gaslighting me. I would get into the office about 6:00 AM, before almost anyone, but he would get in at 5:30 AM.

He would unplug the extra hot water heater before I came in, so the water was cold when I tried to make tea. I would go t the office first, drop off my stuff and make some tea. I was puzzled, thought maybe a hallway light switch also controlled the outlet for the water heater, looked at the plug but he would plug it back in when he saw me head into my office.

After a year he told me what he had been doing, and thought it was very funny. Odd to me, after the first week I just started to microwave the water in the AM and didn't give the water heater a lot of thought

I do note, he had been married 5 times, so I guess his sense of humor wasn't appreciated.
 forever4always
Joined: 7/22/2012
Msg: 123
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/10/2012 9:53:16 AM
YES! Married in January... in marriage counseling within a month.... separated the end of May....divorced the end of September. This is exactly what happened. By the end of the 2nd week, I felt like my best friend had suddenly died, and had been replaced by this incredibly angry person that I didn't even know. He kept accusing me of having dark secrets from my past that I was refusing to disclose, and all sorts of untrue things. Still, he writes in his profiles on the singles sites details of the accusations, that I had huge baggage that I didn't disclose. Thank you for the terminology. I didn't know what to call it.
 ForumsGee
Joined: 2/26/2009
Msg: 124
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/14/2012 5:37:42 AM
JHam123 -- If you send me a message to my profile posting Ithink I am then able to send you a message...
Thanks for all your help...
 supermod100
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 125
view profile
History
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 10/14/2012 2:26:56 PM
Yes, Serenity, I didnt know what to call it, but I just ended a relationship for that reason. She was fine, we got along fine in bed and had great times but she would interrupt me when I was speaking and finish sentences for me. It wasnt because I am slow, Im fairly with it, but her tone was as if she was talking to an imbicle! She was sick constantly, and would always make comments when she was in the hospital (200 miles away) and I didnt visit on command. I might add that we were both lung transplant patients and I have my own issues. She would yell at the TV when someone made a comment that was against her political beliefs, making it impossible to hear, interrupting all within the room. So yes, I have been gaslighted! I was so upset that I split the relationship up. I didnt know till now, but it wont happen again! Thank you so much-
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