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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?      Home login  
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 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 151
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this? Page 7 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Wow, I initiated this thread a long time ago and it seems to be still going strong. I will have to take some time to read it and update myself. I believe still that both men and women can be victims of malice and deceit. The lesser versions of blaming someone for something you simply disagree on or the more passive aggressive acts, instead of just talking things out or being direct, is more prevalent. If two people cannot both grow,


I love the whole concept of growth. I'm dating my ex husband, have for a while & it works very well because we both grew & now are way more suited for each other. We always had a certain level of attraction & banter & now things are even better as we both matured.

Kudos to you for starting this thread. OT- When I replied to one of ur posts in another thread, I hadn't looked at ur ad. I thought u were about 50 & resemble Jennifer Beals. Holy cow, what do you use on your skin, I looked at ur ad after I posted, u look almost 20 years younger than the age in your ad???
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 152
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/13/2015 6:17:42 PM
blonde angel, what do i use to look younger? aside from sun screen powder, light botox and restylane once or twice a year (no drooling please), hair dye, and if i show any dark circles, which I have, I lighten them with makeup or software, lol. on days that i feel sick from my lyme disease, i look older . but probably not 66. i am usually taken for mid 50's. some say younger, but i don't think that is realistic. because of the botox and restylane, i do look younger. i started that at age 60. i don't recommend to overdo these things at a younger age, but start saving up for when you do need it. way back there was a thread on this someplace:) but for now, taking off that 30 pounds i gained from stress in the past months. i think when you feel good, you look better.

that is amazing that the ex and you are working out.

see there is life after gas lighting people!!!!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 153
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 5:53:50 AM
TY, the ny cold winters can be h e l l on a woman's skin! I bet the sunscreen helps though, my ob/gyn offers injections but I am too chicken!

Well you lost more than 30 lbs when you gave up the gas lighting man.

When I was a little girl, I saw the movie & liked it & saw it a few times again as I got older & oftentimes used the phrase "she's gaslighting you" etc. & the majority of people didn't get the reference.

In the movie, the evil hubby kept doing something w/ the lights in the house to make her think she was imagining things...

I wonder if the "gas lighters" of the world are conscious of what they do, or if they believe their own BS...I guess no two are exactly alike, but they do follow a pattern.

I assume most gaslighters have BPD.

Once you've dealt w/ one or two, you recognize the behaviors/traits in others pretty quickly.

One of my last employers was a three ring circus & if someone can be BPD & Bi-polar & a narcissist, it would be her. After a while her behavior was so predictable.

I joined a woman's group last year, over all I enjoy it, but there is one woman who manipulates some of the others who don't see through it & I avoid her like the plague & know how to handle her. She is a gas lighter IMO.

When I did OLD b4 getting back w/ my ex, many of the men I met seemed to fall into a clear category. I am sure some were gas lighters, many of the games began b4 they even met me. And when I saw that, there was no meeting.

OP I hope your next relationship is as romantic as candlelight but as strong as a beacon from a lighthouse.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 154
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 11:56:02 AM
Were you hurt when you fell out of heaven Angel?

I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame...
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 155
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 11:58:31 AM
ooops. double post:(
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 156
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 1:17:35 PM
well TY Clooney- I stole ur line LOL
if I were single & on the west coast I'd cougarize you ;0P
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 157
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 3:58:21 PM
Wow
I don't want to call it "ironic" that serenity posted a topic years ago and now it has come back around-that has kind of a bitter connotation that I certainly do not mean.
I'm sorry that the relationship isn't working, serenity. But that happens.
I think gaslighting may be more prevalent, in subtle ways, than any of us really realize.
Cindy O
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 158
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:17:02 PM
ladyc4, I do remember you!

I think the original concept of gaslighting via the movie, was more focused on a deliberate attempt to drive a woman mad by manipulating her physical environment and then denying that anything was happening. This also could have been a man btw. Later on, it became a term used by victims of domestic violence. Either/or these are very scarey. I believe this was pure sociopathy. My relationship was not that scarey, nor sociopathic. I think a lot more to do with depression and an extreme introvert mind who did not cough up stuff for communication, nor really get me end of it. A lot has happened with this relationship this week and still wrapping my brain around it. So, I don't think gas lighting is more prevalent, although maybe more broadly used and discussed. I just think these times are hard and there are a lot of relationship issues that surface and if left untended, become even more difficult. Such is life in the fast lane:) I "am" joking around with that NYC humor again. That is a good sign!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 159
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/14/2015 4:27:10 PM
^^ sometimes just a passive manipulation can be unsettling & the person is not even a sociopath

Had a friendly acquaintance that was a passive manipulator & when I didn't play the role in her script, the acquaintance did NOT go to being friends.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 160
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/15/2015 10:21:30 AM
Well, I hope that the situation works out for the best.
Sometimes I wonder if we haven;t somehow lost the knack or the art(whatever it is) of forging relationships that last forever.
Make no mistake, I know tons of older couples that have been married 50+ years. And I see young couples that sure look like they are going to last. I've even seen a few 2nd marriages that I was surprised to find out they WERE. I've seen non-cohabiting LTRs that have lasted 20+years,
But still I see more and more 2nd& 3rd committed relationships/marriages that aren't holding up. maybe it IS a matter of starting out young and molding to one another.
And it is true, we can't just label every manipulative behavior as "gaslighting", but I still wonder if something very fundamental in how we approach pair-bond relationships hasn't changed.
Cindy O
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 161
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/15/2015 1:29:44 PM

Sometimes I wonder if we haven;t somehow lost the knack or the art(whatever it is) of forging relationships that last forever.


I wonder too, Cindy, I wonder, too....


And it is true, we can't just label every manipulative behavior as "gaslighting", but I still wonder if something very fundamental in how we approach pair-bond relationships hasn't changed.


Another thing that I, too, wonder...seems like it used to be "easier"...Less expectations? More time so less anxiety over the "ticking clock"?
I don't know anymore but it DOES seem to be more difficult these days....
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 162
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/21/2015 2:04:24 AM
This is how abuse works

The abuser abuses you,
They blame you,
They shame you,
They deny the abuse,
They tell you that you are crazy

Abusers hate themselves, they project on to you all of their issues. There goal is to beat you down until they can totally control you. They are losers who feel powerless in life. They are emotional vampires who want to feed off of you and suck the life juices out of you.

I avoid toxic people at all costs. When you become emotionally strong the abusers will leave you alone. Abusers think that kindness means you are weak.

Abusers have no eyes and no ears. They will not listen to you, they do not see you. An abuser is not capable of love.

I have a girl friend who is a therapist she tells me that 70% of the American population is emotionally unhealthy. Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me.

Abusers can be charming. Keep in mind they know how to manipulate you. After they win your trust slowly but surely the real personality comes out. You fell in love with an imposture. Do abusers change? Yes they do, they get worse. You are in love with an illusion. No one deserves to be abused.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 163
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/21/2015 2:59:52 AM
I have seen it. It is usually a method of making the other person crazy so that the person doing the crazy making can leave by saying, "See, she/he is crazy. I had to leave her/him"

Abusers do this and it is also used in divorce situations. It can work both ways but often it is a man making the woman insane so that when they go to court she looks all bent out of shape and distressed, by his design, and then he looks cool as a cucumber and together. It works because judges are too lazy to see it, even the women judges. There have been studies done about this. You can find a couple on the internet.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 164
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/21/2015 4:13:21 AM

They blame you,
They shame you,
They deny the abuse,
They tell you that you are crazy

Abusers hate themselves, they project on to you all of their issues.

Absolutely. Look at some of the forums stuff.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 165
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/21/2015 8:04:54 AM

The abuser abuses you,
They blame you,
They shame you,
They deny the abuse,
They tell you that you are crazy

Abusers hate themselves, they project on to you all of their issues. There goal is to beat you down until they can totally control you. They are losers who feel powerless in life. They are emotional vampires who want to feed off of you and suck the life juices out of you


excellent description.

[quoteI avoid toxic people at all costs. When you become emotionally strong the abusers will leave you alone. Abusers think that kindness means you are weak

terrific advice. as Maggie Kuhn said, 'speak your mind. even if your voice shakes.'
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 166
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/22/2015 7:50:18 AM

It can work both ways but often it is a man making the woman insane so that when they go to court she looks all bent out of shape and distressed, by his design, and then he looks cool as a cucumber and together.


I HATE that sh!t!!!!!

I grew up in an alcoholic household/family and crazymaking was the "norm"....

I STILL have a difficult time remaining calm and NOT reacting in many situations, (partially due to the insanity of menopause, these days...lmao), even when I KNOW, exactly what the "game" is....

Funny that I have always been able to remain detached and cool when in work situations, but translating that over to personal relationships is a challenge....

I've tried the same tactics that I've used in work in the past, ie. counting to ten, taking a time out. etc. but am not always successful....

I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm living SUCH a stressed-out existence right now also, that ANY amount of "discomfort" or bad feelings on my part is just too much to tolerate....
I tell myself to just wait.....feel, think and THEN act....but sometimes my big mouth and anxiety get the best of me and I'm off and running without having thought it through, even when I am FULLY aware that I am being manipulated....

I attempted a reconciliation with an ex over the holidays and that was ALL that it took for that to go up in smoke....

He did something TOTALLY outrageous and when I said so, he not only denied it but went on to accuse me of "spazzing out" (lovely!) when I tried to tell him how I felt about it, never acknowledged or apologized for his behaviour and even went so far as to tell me that my telling him how I felt didn't really make him WANT to spend time with me!!!!

I was just so....flabbergasted, is the only word that describes the feeling....

All I could think was, "Holy Hell!!! THIS is why we broke up, and what I thought he didn't DO anymore...."

Boy, was I wrong....and REMINDED more importantly as to why I don't have people in my Life like that anymore....

Brings me RIGHT back to being a kid, at the mercy of a bunch of sick and drunk adults just looking for someone ELSE to torture, in order to alleviate their own pain....on an emotional level, at least....

Thankfully, I regained my senses and ended it, again!, and all I can think is how the Hell I didn't see it before???? But then again, he was very good at putting on a show for the first while, I guess that "while" was just shorter, because we had already been there! lol

Ahhh...live and learn...sometimes the very SAME lessons, mostly because I don't get out much and apparently am having memory issues!!! LMAO
Thus the reason that my profile is currently hidden....lol
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 167
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/22/2015 9:55:39 AM
Wow, Dee, I'm sorry to hear that happened to you!
But remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

My morning prayer is
"Lord, keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth".
Cindy O
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 168
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/22/2015 10:00:29 AM

"Lord, keep your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth".


LOVE this and am stealing it!!! lol

Thanks Cindy...I was seeing what I wanted to and NOT what was actually there...my bad....my fault....my mistake that I WON'T be making again, any time soon.....
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 169
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/22/2015 10:14:42 AM
One of my past bosses did this. He had been fired but the company sold and the new owners rehired him. Over 90% of the staff quit after he came back, some suffering egregious stress issues. That is when I hired on due to the vacancies created by his return.

During the time after he was originally fired and rehired he worked for a couple of other companies. Several women filed sexual harassment suits against him during this time. After a while he was refired at our company but I could not have waited it out and left before this happened. During his tenure many personnel left. Most were in counseling just to deal with him. He was a nightmare but the new owners felt the company was not viable without him for some years.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 170
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gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/24/2015 10:57:53 PM
I had an "ex" who was doing this to me....making me look crazy by "breaking into" my computer and sending deranged emails to people. I was blessed, though. I had two friends -- a couple -- who were computer whizzes and discovered what he was doing. We had the evidence, the DA filed the charges, went to court, and won. I hope that he will think twice, three, or four times before he ever does that to a woman (or a man....because I hear he's a closet gay), again.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 171
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/24/2015 11:01:04 PM
Nobody is putting a bic lighter there after I had asparagus the night before.

and I mean NOBODY!
 healthyhappy1
Joined: 11/21/2014
Msg: 172
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 1/26/2015 6:48:12 PM
Yes, but I am a natural observer of human nature, and the few times a mentally disturbed person has tried this, I see right through their attempts. I avoid and don't engage with, toxic people in general.
 pepperstrand
Joined: 1/25/2015
Msg: 173
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 9:17:41 AM
So sorry, you were involved with a psychopath. Yes there are men that feel the need to make themselves appear better so they use psychological warfare on their mate. It is not nice, it is not fair and well good for you not putting up with it anymore. It was a way to control you and people like Jim Jones likely used this technique to get people to drink the cool-aid. You likley felt you were the crazy one all the time. Good for you for shaking your head and getting out as this person will likely never change.
 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 174
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 11:13:15 AM

Abusers can be charming. Keep in mind they know how to manipulate you. After they win your trust slowly but surely the real personality comes out. You fell in love with an imposture. Do abusers change? Yes they do, they get worse. You are in love with an illusion. No one deserves to be abused.


Yes, the one I got involved with was extremely charming but in a subtle, humble, almost shy way. He was also drop dead gorgeous, I very lethal combination. He knew exactly how to manipulate me - thank Goodness I did not trust him enough, otherwise I would not have been digging for evidence online. Seeing what he does to his current "girlfriend" is even more shocking - he is lying to her about everything and she's buying it, despite evidence to the contrary. It's amazing how he keeps getting away with it. Better her than me though, I tried to warn her but she thinks she is going to be "the one" to change him.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 175
gaslighting, has anyone ever experienced this?
Posted: 9/27/2015 12:12:00 PM
Many years ago I joined a support group. One of the special events for us, was watching the movie, "Gaslight". I learned a lot from that movie. I attempted to get my mother to watch. She pooh poohed the need.

Last weekend she verbally stated what I have known all my life.

"I believed my husband/your father was head of the household. The church taught me to be a good wife. I was led to believe, he could do nothing wrong. I believed him, when he told me you were lying. I did not protect you. I followed him blindly, because the church taught me to.
I let you go.
And all along you were right. He was not a good man.

Yes, "gaslighting" is real.
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