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Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 58
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...Page 2 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

(Msg 23) He is a single parent, has been divorced for ten years, and during the time since his divorce claims he has not had any relationships, just some casual dates. Now that his son is older (15)…… He knows I am dating other people. He has never mentioned dating another woman.

That means his son was around 5 when he divorced. If he was interested in a gal his son would have never known about his dating so I feel we can reasonably conclude his son was not the reason for abstaining from dating 10 years ago. So, why has he abstained from dating for the last 10 years?

When a man distances himself from a woman after working very hard to draw close, her natural instinct is to either think he is full of sh1t, or scared sh1tless.

Reasonable deduction. The question is, “Scared of what?”

(Msg 32) Again I said, "What do you want me to do? If you are feeling pressured , I will keep dating others. If you want me to stop dating , I will stop. " He said, just let me think about it and gave me no answer.

If, after 7 weeks, he isn’t concerned about you dating other men…………..there is a definite problem.

Going back to msg 23 you wrote,
He replied, "You have not done anything wrong. You do everything right. You are everything that I have ever wanted in a woman."

So, you are everything he ever wanted in a woman but doesn’t mind if you date other guys.

You told him,
In our conversations I have made it clear that if I want to cross that line with someone then I have to know that sexual intimacy is not to be taken casually by him, and at the time it would be appropraite for me to stop dating other people. If I wanted to take things to the next level then it would not be an issue to stop dating others. All he would have to do is ask.
but he hasn’t asked.

My hypothesis? He has a sexual problem. If you are everything he ever wanted in a woman he would not be so tolerant about you dating other guys unless he’s hoping he wins out by the process of elimination.

Rather than
(Msg 68) Well, I deleted his number, after giving it to my best friend…………………… I might compose an email to him and tell him about deleting the phone numbers of the other men from my phone……
I suggest you ascertain if that’s the case by whatever means you find appropriate. You may be left holding the bag. (No pun intended.)
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 61
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 3:55:47 PM
You are having a drastic reaction,or change of actions plan. I don't think is necessary...of course its yr decision.
I also don't think anyone thinks badly of you except a couple of sore men, that can't believe a WOMAN can do what men do all the time : MULTI DATE!!!
I think you should not delete or close yr profile...maybe just hide it. I think POF is a healthy palce to stay for friendship and forums if you don't want to date anymore.
2ndly no need to delete his number or email know can just keep it all and call fewer times... you never mentioned you call him too much anyways. Calling shows interest not desperation.
I don't think you are pressuring just found out you really want him for more than being ONE of you dates.
Don't pull back so drastically. Just maybe engage in more personal activities, like book clubs or those i/o dates...he will be happy and relived to see you have a life and that dating is important but not by far the only thing you have to do.

Maybe...I don't know what you think..... if he ever asks you again about other dates...tell him you kind of feel awkward talking about if not too much problem, you rather skip subject. No need to tell him you stop dating others....LOL.
I think you need to relax and continue doing all you were doing...he liked you natural with little, medium or no pressure for a more one on one deal...this is the woman he liked. Maybe if you try and change too much....then he will get confused!!!

Good luck.
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 66
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 5:34:48 PM
Way to go OP....
Another advise...when unusual behaviour happens at his need to think negative...
Just like this time...there is a perfectly logical explanation to for him not calling or whatever...
Its very clear he likes you, he enjoys you and he even misses you!!!! Just relax and be happy of what you are starting to have with this man.
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 67
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 5:38:22 PM
Unfortunately yes I have seen it and its confusing. Its as if they tell you everything they think you want to hear over and over, in hopes that they can get you in bed.

I dont know why honesty these days is such a horrible thing. You would think they would want to get to that woman or women that want just a sexual encounter, and skip all the other ( romantic hassels ) they go through just to get into bed with someone who doesnt really want that a meaningful relationship.

Ok hold on before the negative comments get printed, I know that not all men are like that, but it SEEMS as if the MAJORITY are, so if your not then i commend you.
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 68
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 5:41:36 PM
a whole day once a month with mom wow !!!

thats ummm great glad you can spare the time lol
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 69
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 6:29:42 PM
It's called "the dance". When you draw close to them they pull away, when you pull away they come closer.
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 72
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:11:42 PM
OP, it has been interesting following this thread. Methinks that perhaps you may have jumped the gun a bit in terms of actually putting fingers to keyboard. Perhaps you should have waited for the couple of days your guys asked for, and then sat down with him and really have that heart-to-heart about your futures BEFORE seeing the problem that more than likely is NOT there. To me it seems that you have created a lot of "what if" scenarios, and used up a lot of emotional fuel unnecessarily.

The advice you have received seem to fall into two general categories.

There were the negative ones, warning you of doom times ahead. It's no wonder that some of those people are still on POF. Don't they know that you have to break eggs to make an omlette, that you have to take a chance for love to work? You may get hurt along the way, but at least you've tried, rather than expect everything to work out perfectly, without the occasional hiccup!

Then there were the positive, supportive comments, that make me wonder why those writers haven't been scooped up by someone already, if they actually lived out their own advice.

Whatever happens down the track, please let us know how things eventuate, and good luck!
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 75
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 8:59:38 PM
I'm not sure if it's been addressed yet, but it could just be as simple as him not wanting to smother you. I've been guilty of that myself, and he may just be cautious of not wanting to do the same...
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 77
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 10:46:00 PM
I agree with you OP, you need to learn to relax and get in touch with yourself. Truly, it sounds like he has a control over you in some intangible way, since you are dating others, but HE is the one you truly want to get to know and go from there. The question is -do you want to date others? or is it only a mere distraction, as you put it earlier, so you can save yourself from yourself. I suggest to spend more time with yourself, and stop focusing on all those men at the same time. Find peace withing, stop dating for a while, until you are comfortable to pick up a pace again. Allow time to pass, write a journal, what are you getting out of a current relationship with a man you care for, are you patient enough to give more time to it? What is your intuition telling you? Are you happy with the way things are. I don't believe in the books that are written, that once we understand the nature of the opposite sex we will be able to navigate more successfully. The point is that those books maybe great in helping us to understand that we (men and women) are not the same and we think differently, but then there is more to the person that just their psychological make up based on gender.
I suggest to let all those men go, and focus on work on yourself. You won't be receiving instant answers from posters, you need to find them yourself. La Gioconda
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 78
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 11:05:35 PM

Well, I have learned one thing from all this. That is that all the modern day psycho babble they shove down peoples throats these days, about women should not do this, and men are that, does not apply to 100% of the population. We are each unique unto ourselves.

My behavior in this relationship has definitely been tainted by all the negative people out there that tell you things like don't call a man, if he doesn't call he is not that "in" to you. Listening to this kind of bull is what gets me in trouble in the first place. I really feel this man is a gentle soul. While he has not openly discussed the things that led to his divorce, obviously he has avoided trying to have a meaningful relationship since then. One thing I do know is his son was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 18 months. For two years he was involved in cancer treatment and frequent trips to Children's hospital while his son was being treated. When the marriage ended he ended up with custody of the son, so obviously to me he was the more nurturing parent. The current visitation situation is almost non existent. His son might see his mother one day every month or two an they live in the same city.

I can not imagine what it is like to face a terminal illness in a young child. He and his son are extremely close. His son plays baseball, and every day after work he throws a ball with his son as part of his son's training. He is a devoted father. Any man that can be this nurturing with a child is fully capable of sustaining a relationship with a woman.
The problem is not knowing what he harbors from that failed marriage ten years before. For whatever reason, he has allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable to me. The times he has made obvious dating faux pax he has been very apologetic, and admits he is not used to dating, and is clueless what is expected of him. I view this man as a diamond in the rough and well worth the time and patience to reveal the precious gem within his soul.

I think all the time he took talking to me all those months before our first date showed his genuine interest in getting to know me. We come from very different backgrounds, I had a positive, loving marriage, he of course came from a failed marriage. We both however have face major health care crises with someone we love.

I do think the times we have not talked can be explained by two obvious things. Before he met me, he had a busy life. He filled his life with work, his son, some hobbies, and responsiblities like maintaining the house, laundry, cooking, yard, and trying to work out at the gym. By his own admission he needs about 30 hours a day to get things done.
The second issue pertains to being gun shy. Not having real experience with a woman in a decade. There is no way this man is a player.

Now if I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and ignored all the psycho bull being shoved down our throats, I could have avoided all the angst I have felt these past few weeks. If I deliberately avoid calling I get anxious as time passes waiting for him to call. If I call once, his pattern seems to be to call multiple times for several days in a row. When someone on this thread said (and I am telling you how I heard it not the exact words) "Don't be an idiot call him!" that is exactly what I did. I called around five o'clock. We talked about an hour. He was watching the basketball game tonight, and has called me three times, during the breaks between games just so we have a few minutes here and there together. He obviously responds to the encouragement he feels when I demonstrate interest. From here on out I am going to throw out all the
garbage that might work for other couples and go with what seems to work for us.

The one thing I did today that made this entire thread worthwhile, was to delete all the phone numbers in my cell phone of the other men I have spent time with. I want to spend my time with him. The other men are great guys. They deserve more than my second best attention. I need to take away my safety net and take a risk . I have not told him yet that I did this. I feel a new sense of freedom, and no longer feel the urge to call another man when I really should be calling him.

The nay sayers who think he is a player have just managed to piss me off. The supportive posts have just reinforced my feeling that this is a genuinely nice man worth being patient with during his awkward indocrination into the world of relationship. I know I am one hell of a woman, and have a lot to offer a man. I should never have doubted that he was sincere when he said I was everything he ever wanted in a woman. I am going to go with the optimistic posts. The glass is half full

Widowedmom.. . .So good to hear that you finally have clarity within yourself. Life after a divorce, or death of a loved one is one huge roller coaster...You will meet all types and many of them will be nothing more than stepping stones, some will leave imprints on our hearts, whilst others will be mirrors there to reflect on our weakness and strength…

Wishing you all the best
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 79
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/27/2009 11:22:58 PM
Since you're still dating other people, he is afraid of getting hurt. That is all there is to it! Contrary to what some women think, guys really do have feelings. Tell him that you really don't want to see other people anymore, because he is the one for you. By you not pressuring him, he is taking it as a sign of you not caring . He really does care for you, it's obvious. Tell him, he is everything you want in a man. He needs you to take the lead. When he draws you in, and leaves, chase after him.
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 80
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/28/2009 2:47:56 AM

Our last date was cut a little short because his son paged him and needed him to pick him up, it was 1 am. I joked that the night was still young, and perhaps I should call one of the other guys and go out.

Ohhhh that was REAL nice, OP. Just the thing a man who is interested in you likes to hear. Yes, i know that he is aware you are also dating other men, but to say something like that? Yeah ok you 'joked' about that..... but ill bet on the ride to go pick up his son he is re-thinking this whole thing.
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 82
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/28/2009 8:01:53 AM
1984love is:

May I add SEX is what the greater part of this community is into.

honestly, I couldn't agree more. Sex is one and the most easier and accessible, almost at your finger tip, - thing ;-), available anytime 24/7 and especially here on pof. As far as real connections that would last lifetime, this is rather rare.

I do not mean to preach about it either. But in all honesty, such is human nature, besides it's not only men who do this, vast and I mean vast majority of women do this, too. I won't even go into this in details, but have seen a lot from even friends who do this. And then, once they ate their cake, they say they are really confused about whole relationship aspect, because in reality this is not what they want. They are missing sex, but would not admit this to themselves or their current pof date.

I am not saying OP, that your guy wants this 'cake' and this is it, but in my opinion if you are really don't want to get into a situation of FWB, play it very cautiously. I wouldn't pull those tricks on him with mentioning other dates, sounds too manipulative and you won't gain anything from it.

I would rather suggest to go with the flow, why are you so frustrated? He is what he is, and if you are not happy with the way he is playing the field, you won't be down the road either. Give him time and space, but don't feel you need to 'control' the situation with constantly rubbing 'other dates' into your conversation. Who needs this? Especially that he is only going out with you according to your books.

It just amazes me, do people have so much time on getting emotionally involved with a person they care about, and keep going out with others? It has almost become like sport if you ask me.
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 83
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:09:42 PM
Emotionally Unavailable people can make me real sad, an enemy to self esteem and OP, I hope he will not break your heart.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 84
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:16:53 PM
I'm like that sometimes.
It's maybe a personality type? Sometimes I always want to be around you. Then at other times, I need my space to be alone. It's not like I like you less, but sometimes people need that room in their heads.
After all, you're not married yet... No sense in being together all the time. Of course, there are personality types that do well being together all the time.
I notice that more independent people are like this. We occasionally need our room and to be with friends and have our lives outside of the relationship. It's healthy that way so when we return to you, we are always happy to see you.
My two cents.
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 85
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:23:15 PM
Oh... did not know he also had a kid with cancer... Changes things, dramatically, love.
Just be patient with the bloke. It must be very hard to overcome even if his son goes into remission.
Just be there for the dude. Having a sick loved one is hard on somebody especially if he is carrying the load alone.
Much luck and may it go well with you!
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 89
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 2:25:32 AM
I really do hope it works out for you OP..perhaps it's a lesson for all, perhaps all these play hard to get books are all a load of crap...the OP has certainly taken a huge risk by surrendering to this guy and telling him that he's the only goes against what any book has ever I really do hope the OP comes back to fill us in...It certainly would be a breakthrough for me to see that showing vulnerability is not considered a sign of weakness nor will it scare the guy away.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 90
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 3:15:56 AM

(Msg 97) My behavior in this relationship has definitely been tainted by all the negative people out there that tell you things like don't call a man, if he doesn't call he is not that "in" to you. Listening to this kind of bull is what gets me in trouble in the first place.

BRAVO!! While some folks say it's best to conceal ones feelings and to do the opposite of what you feel like doing is no different than pretending to like a person when you don't. In both instances one is being deceitful.

Why all the games, OP? Why not call when you want to call? What's with the deleting of phone numbers?

While not calling may make sense to you....well, actually it doesn't make sense. You want to call but you don't call. How is the man perceiving that? Do you think he's considering all the reasons you're thinking about or is he simply concluding you're not interested?

What is the purpose of these silly games? Is it all due to ego? Is the fear of being used so great that you want to project the image you don't trust him? Because that's exactly what happens when people play those games. If they trusted the person they wouldn't be playing games.

So, why be dishonest. Why don't you just come out and tell him you don't trust him because the reality is you don't trust him. If you did you wouldn't play those games.

It's rare someone enters our life with whom we want as a partner. Is it so difficult to come out and say how we feel? Is our ego so fragile we'd break if rejected? What the hell is wrong with people today? They meet someone, treat them with suspicion from day one, then wonder why they can't find anyone.

Well, I feel better getting that off my chest.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 91
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 4:30:30 AM
Dave...When women have tried doing this in the past they've had their hearts broken..It's only normal for the human mind or the ego to go into protective mode...keep in mind that not everyone has the same dating experience, some people have been married for so long that they've forgotten what dating is all about...I honestly don't believe a "one rule" works for all...there will be guys and girls that use and abuse vulnerability, whilst others will appreciate it...
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 94
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 6:42:49 AM
maybe the chase was too much for probably just said it youself you didnt cave in so he felt he couldnt conquer. some men put a great deal of time to the conquer, they are called players. i myself prefer a woman that does have morals and holds out.lets me know that they are not hos.Makes it that much more special.better you find out now instead of after the conquer then you would just feel cheap and used.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 97
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You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 7:57:05 AM

(Msg 116) Dave...When women have tried doing this in the past they've had their hearts broken.

I would think getting dumped after two months is more of a heartbreaker than having that happen after two weeks.

some people have been married for so long that they've forgotten what dating is all about...

I would say the problem is more along the lines of people remembering what dating was all about and still think the same approach applies today.

The high school/college days were not usually about finding a life partner. Relationships were casual. Broken hearts were an every day occurrence. Of course, the heart wasn't really broken because a new prospect showed up the next day. The idea of having a date was to have someone to do an activity with or a companion to an event.

When long term is the goal then two adults can sit down and discuss it in an adult manner. If both are serious they will conduct themelves accordingly. There will be no games.

To put it another way, a person seeking a LTR will perceive casual dating as playing a game. "Call me and see if I'm available" type of scenario, which is fine for casual dating, will not seem appropriate for those seeking a LTR.

I do have a question. You mentioned women have had their hearts broken by taking the approach I mentioned. With how many people have they come in contact with whom they wanted a LTR? If they don't feel they want a LTR with someone then if that person does not call it shouldn't bother them. My point being what are the odds of finding someone for whom they have that feeling and that same person using them?

By voicing their intentions up front they can assess the actions of the other person. The OP joked about going out with other people. If the guy isn't sure how she feels then he will conclude it's casual.

It's misleading at best. It comes across as games and usually results in frustration. All to avoid a broken heart after 7 weeks? Doesn't make sense to me.

(Msg 117) Also, Dave, you're married. You don't know what you're talking about.
You're not putting your heart out there, are you?

I did put my heart out there. That's how I ended up married.

Ok. Ok. Only joking! I'm happily married.

I was 43 when I met my partner and she was 34. I was direct about what I was seeking. Within six months of first contact we had purchased a home together. I had sold a home the year prior and deliberately waited until I found a partner before purchasing another because I wanted the home to be considered both of ours.

Rushed things? Not really because during those six months we spent a lot of time together. Couple time. Not just dating.

Some folks like the "getting to know you" stage. The thrill. The high. The unexpected. I prefer the " I know you" stage. When one is able to enjoy dinner without worrying if they're making a good impression or something they say may be misinterpreted.

I remember being in my partner's car shortly after we met. (Sitting in a car is one of those times when conversation is necessary.) She casually said, "We don't have to talk. I don't mind being quiet."

IMO, it's times like those or getting to that point when two people connect. That's why we spent a lot of time at each others home. Sometimes she'd be going over papers from work and I'd be watching TV or she'd be at my place watching TV and I'd be doing something.

That was the time we learned if we would make a good couple. It wasn't going out on a Saturday night. Almost any two people can have a reasonably good time going out to be entertained. It was the Monday morning gettting ready for work and the Wednesday night coming home after a rough day. Who we voted for in the last election was about as important as what our neighbor named their dog.

IMO, getting to know someone is much more than finding out the differences and disagreements. It's about how they're handled and that requires straight talk.

When one comes across an individual they feel would make a good life companion it's best to throw their "all" into it and find out. The sooner, the better. Otherwise, they go through life alone or with an assortment of boyfriends/girlfriends never finding the right one because no one is making the first move.

Is it really about broken hearts or simply ego? I go with ego because if an individual feels a connection but doesn't tell the other person and that person leaves the individual will still suffer a broken heart but their ego will be in tact.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 99
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 1:43:49 PM
Well good for you Dave! Like you I much prefer the "I know you stage"...You may be right about the ego...but had your wife not been on the same page and ready when you were then things would have ended up differently...I think it's got more to do with timing than anything else.
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 101
You are everything I ever wanted in a woman...
Posted: 3/29/2009 2:05:49 PM
IMO, getting to know someone is much more than finding out the differences and disagreements. It's about how they're handled and that requires straight talk.

Dave, sadly I found that true in most of the cases. But again, I have to keep reminding myself that this is DATING website where I should expect people to treat connections in that so call "dating" stage. I have yet to find place where it simply only have members with "Relationship/married Minded ". I also don't believe that at more mature age, two people should drag the dating or whatever - one call the name of that phase into longer period (like over 6 months or many dozens encounters).

I don't believe that OP's guy is emotionally unavailable, He certainly is and has to take care and deal with his son's health issue and the prospect of getting him weel.
About Emotionally unavailable comment I made was actually for my own experience being with guy(s) who have obsession on a particular unattainable women over such longer period ( 5 years). These guys already know who they want to be with and keep contact with the women but the women are not physically available to these guys (ie married, children issue). And too bad this information was not available to me in the earlier stage so I became emotionally involved and had to lose even before I started.

Bengal Blue, I was not referring to giving people their own space and me time or "guys time". Being a single parent I definitely can occupy and use times for myself to shop, chat, fun times with my son. It is called physically unavailabe, which is just daily life.
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