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Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 5
So very very close but no cigar...Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I understand your extreme stated that you have limited dating experience but I have a lot and it still hurts. When you find somone sooooo close to what you're looking for only to find some key flaw or difference, it can make you wonder what you're willing to give up for a relationship. Or it can crystallize your thinking about the subject and set your resolve. You just cannot argue with your conscience or be dishonest (to yourself) about the importance of certain things.

Think about it: if he's intolerant about minorities or gays/lesbians, what are his feelings about unions, feminism, world politics (or other things that may be important to you)? Your conscience is probably doing the extrapolation on a lot of things FOR YOU.

P.S. OP means Original Poster (that's you) - as opposed to subsequent posters' writings.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 6
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/28/2009 9:38:07 PM
Yes I would draw the line at someone's prejudice against gays and the civil rights of gays being equal to any other human beings' rights to marry, adopt children, etc. I don't need a man badly enough to settle like that.
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 8
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/28/2009 10:10:11 PM
Yes I would draw the line at someone's prejudice against gays and the civil rights of gays being equal to any other human beings' rights to marry, adopt children, etc. I don't need a man badly enough to settle like that.

Playing a little devil's advocate here, somebody whose religion states it's a sin to act on homosexuality (I.E. christianity), has just as much right to believe as they choose to, as you do to believe opposite of them. By implying that you'd be "settling" for them, you are, in fact, demonizing another person's set of beliefs, which is what we're attempting to squelch.

Edit: Of course, actually speaking from my real opinion, people that are so hyper religious that think gays are bad people, evil, sinful (or whatever else you wanna say), need a crack upside the head and get a clue lol
 Change Of Pace
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/28/2009 11:49:46 PM

OP, you don't have to have a reason to decide to not pursue a relationship with someone. Personality, attitudes, physical appearance, or even how someone looks in the moonlight are all "good enough" reasons to simply move on.

Agreed RenaissanceMan...there is no logic whatsoever. I know I've met men with opinions very different to my own and sometimes I hate it, but sometimes I love it. Same with physical attributes...prefer tall men, but married someone an inch shorter than me. The reasons are yours and no one else has to understand.

'To thine own self be true' -- the bard said it best. In your heart you know if the opinions are inflammatory or just opinions. I know people who are deeply oppossed to gay marriages, but have great friends who happen to be gay. It doesn't mean they're haters, it means there's an aspect they don't like. You have to judge what's acceptable in a one sees them the way you do.
 89 pebbles
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/29/2009 8:44:15 AM
i to have similar belief's as yourself, and i understand what you are saying, i belive in compromise, but i was married for a long time and it was only when i seperated that i realised that i had compromised to much and all the value's i had , and a the thing's i believed in i had put to one side for a peacefull life. I am now ashamed to say that i let a lot of thing's go when i should of put my foot down and said no those are terrible comment's to make and i am not prepared to listen to it . so i guess what i am saying is how strong are you and how much do you truly value your beleif's, and would you to feel guilty if you gave in and changed for someone else? good luck
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 12
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/29/2009 10:29:41 AM
I dont want the clone of me and it seems that you want a male you; that thinks like you and talks like you do.

It's your choice to be with someone who thinks a certain way but I think it's a little bit much. The racism I could understand but everyone of us has a little prejudice to something and someone.

I have 2 great friends that happen to be gay; I dont consider them my gay friends. They both know I'm against gay marriage. I care about them and they care about me even though we disagree strongly on the subject. I don't support gay causes but I do support them.

I think the world has become so PC that we stick out our chest acting self righteous if we say we are for something; like we are better than others. Well I would date people that dont' think like me; as long as hate wasnt' involved.
Joined: 2/6/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:05:19 PM
I know where you're coming from. I dated a gorgeous Russian immigrant for a few months, years ago. She had been a bit of an aristocrat in the former Soviet Union I guess - Her father was an engineer, and she was engaged to some sort of mob family, so I suppose she was one of the very priviledged few.

So I was getting along fabulously with this very passionate woman, until she let slip a comment in casual conversation over lunch about how she "could never associate with someone who wasn't at her level of intelligence" or something amounting to that. While I get where she was coming from (kindof - Intellectual, engaging conversations are fun of course), the... arrogance, I guess of the comment just completely let the air out of my balloon. I don't think we went out again after that date.

Of course I wouldn't put all people who practice a certain faith in the same box though, any more than I would assume all ex-Soviet aristos will turn out snobbish. People cover the whole spectrum. If you know some trait is common for a group though, it doesn't hurt to keep an eye out for it!
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/29/2009 11:34:26 PM
It seemed to me in reading the OT that there are the two issues. One is that the man held beliefs that you found uncomfortable, enough so to make it a deal breaker, that is a good thing. Too many people are already head over heels when the veneer slips on their newfound gem and they consequently ignore that knot in the pit of their stomach and in most cases, the longer they are together, the more these types of differences alter the way you thought about the person until you cannot stand to be around them.

The other component is religion. It seems that you are considering whether someone of another religion could be compatible and this would depend on many things. First, if you are talking about a Christian, there are about a gazillion ways that people incorporate this into their lives. My Protestant denomination has spawned two others and there are currently at least "two" Presbyterian church organizations in the United States based on different interpretations about issues like predestinations. I have a friend of over 20 years who I discovered after I began attending my current church was also a member there. She believes that sexual orientation is choice and it is wrong and yet one of her best friends from college is gay, she loves her, but she would probably sort of protest in her head if that woman married another woman. I believe people are born with their sexual orientation and would not be remotely bothered by people marrying. Could I be as close to someone as you are in an intimate relationship and deal with that differing viewpoint? I don't know, I guess it would depend on whether we felt the need to discuss the topic with each other or felt that the other needed to change the way they thought.

My much belabored point is that if you are considering shying away from someone because you believe their religion could be a cause for differences you could not live with and consequently do not bother even finding out what they are about, you might be missing out on the right person that has things close enough to your views and values that it would not be a problem. In this case this man also had racial issues that could indicate that both the racial and gay ideology he maintains is based more in upbringing by intolerant parents than the teachings of the religion.

On the other hand, if you are planning to marry and have a family with someone, religion can often play a bigger part in your decisions. Some people don't seem to care a lick about religion until they have children. I stayed out of church for more than a decade but when I had my kids, something led me back because I believed it would give them many things of value, which it has. I married a man who was raised as a Catholic, hasn't been to a Catholic service that was not for a funeral or wedding in over twenty years. I do not think it would have bothered me to have raised my children in the Catholic faith but if it did, and my X insisted we raise the children Catholic that might have become a serious issue even if we pretended that many of numerous other problems did not exist.

I think you do yourself the best favor you can by allowing yourself to meet a wide range of people but also figure out what is important to you so that you know the right questions to ask people so that you do then start to employ those filters that Abelian spoke about. Sometimes we find exactly who we are looking for in the most unlikely place, and sometimes we realize that they are in the unlikely place because they are not right for you.

You listened to your gut, and in most cases, the problems and mistakes occur when you ignore it.
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 16
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/30/2009 3:18:38 AM

Opposition to gay marriage isn't "prejudice" . It's witholding a tradition of what constitutes marriage, going back to the beginning of recorded history. It isn't "hating" gays or wishing harm to come to them. It's a sense of natural law.

hmm so in a way you should be against divorces...
keeping everything according to the beginning of recorded history that is...
and this is the reason why some of us "liberals" that get a bad name every 4 years or so, I tend to not agree with those that have different set of ideas, mainly because many of them are hypocritical.

Now dont be sad because you felt a connection, that connection would be long gone when you have gay friends that want to be as happy as anybody else, yet your man wouldnt be supportive of you and be hypocritical at many things... being racially or gender intolerant is not a trait that any open minded people should ever put up with.
its core values like, honesty, love, responsibility, you have a better chance of finding a life partner that shares your values.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 17
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/30/2009 8:03:38 AM
Inherent in who I choose to spend time with is the understanding that they will have similar beliefs to those I hold dear and can find some ability to support politically and morally.

I wouldn't agree to meet a man who held differing values and ethics than I.
And I'd know it before I met him.

Hence the "getting to know you" dialogues, emails and conversations held prior to meeting.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 18
Where do you draw the line...
Posted: 3/30/2009 8:24:45 AM

There are people that I disagree with on different levels and in extreme differences, I choose not to be involved with these types.

Perfectly stated.
It's a matter of extremes.
And where your lines are.
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