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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? o      Home login  
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 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 51
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?Page 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
I wonder why I was not born with the social skills and conversation skills that are required for a guy in order to get a girlfriend or date. It seems like every guy out there is born with these skills, like it never took other guys practice.
I'm just wondering because I have never had a girlfriend in my whole life, always been single, and I just turned 21 last January. It's not because I have chosen to be single this long, it's just that I never knew how, and I still don't know how to get a girlfriend or a date. I don't know how to take the initiative. It's not because I am shy, scared, nervous, fear of rejection, etc. It's just that I don't know how!!!!, I simply do not know how. Every girl that I have been interested in, made the first move on, asked out, overall, took the initiative, either A.). Had a boyfriend already B.) Rejected me, not interested. So I'm thinking that is why I am still single, and always have been.

So I am obviously different from most other guys, because almost every guy has his first girlfriend before the age 21, almost 100 percent. Anyway, is almost every guy, excluding me, born with the social skills, conversation skills, body language skills, approaching skills, and confidence, in order to approach and attract girls? and get the girls to become their girlfriends? Is almost every guy naturally born with these skills? As soon as most guys become interested in girls, at puberty, or whatever, do they naturally know how to talk to girls, approach them, start a conversation and keep it going, and knowing how and when to ask them out? It sure seems this way, like every guy knew how to get his first girlfriend from day one. Are all of these skills an instinct? did it never take these guys practice? Did they all have these skills from the moment they went on the quest to get their first girlfriend?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 52
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:04:11 PM

did it never take these guys practice?


Good grief, man get a hold of yourself!!

It takes practice. It means you fall down on your face, you get up, you fall on your face again, you get up and one say not only do you stick the landing, but you begin to soar.
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 53
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:07:15 PM
Yeah I have heard that saying that every rejection is a learning experience, and you will learn what to do and what not to do next time. My problem is that I have a very hard time being able to tell if I made a mistake or not, who knows, maybe I was talking to all of those girls the right away, approached them the right way, made the first move right, etc. But many I was not those girls type. I will never know. I just don't know if I am doing right or wrong.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 54
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:27:29 PM
Some women will initiate things. But I think men are generally more likely to due to various reasons. Some women are shy / passive. Some women are afraid of rejection. Some women think a man wouldn't like a woman initiating things.
 SweetSmartNSassy2
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 55
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:32:04 PM
Billabong baby, go talk with your physician and get some help with your social skills. Many people with Aspergers do this and it can be successful, if you work at it hard enough. There's treatment out there; go find it! You keep bringing up the same points in the face of good advice. Stop and think about yourself and go do what's necessary to get your dating skills up to speed.
 warmhanded
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 56
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:34:07 PM
...and all those girls that contacted you that weren't your type are on another forum ****ing that guys NEVER contact them back.

Get.

Over.

It.
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 57
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:34:34 PM
Man sometimes I feel like giving up because by the time my social skills become normal and I have the ability to get a girlfriend, I will be old, and I will have already missed out, that is why sometimes I think about suicide.
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 58
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:47:15 PM
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?

Are you kidding me? :-p because it has always been the man's part to take initiative get use to it. If you can't learn to approach people by the time you finish high school you got some serious problems. People better learn to be confident in who they are or else you will not be getting in any relationships or friendships what so ever.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 59
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 4:22:13 PM

Billabongdude06 wrote: Man sometimes I feel like giving up because by the time my social skills become normal and I have the ability to get a girlfriend, I will be old, and I will have already missed out, that is why sometimes I think about suicide.

You are placing WAY TOO MUCH importance on having a girlfriend and being in a relationship.

Trust me, not having a girlfriend or being in a relationship is a good reason for suicide. Come to think of it, there are not too many good reasons for suicide. Think of all the guys who are unhappy in their marriages or who got fleeced during divorce proceedings. If you think you have it bad, take a day off and go to divorce court and just observe. Unfortunately, a lot of guys in divorce will be losing a lot to their ex-wives. I'm quite sure that at that moment they'd happily trade places with you.

From your profile I see you go to Santiago Canyon College. Go to their homepage and under "Students" click on "Counseling". Call or visit and ask for some personal one-on-one counseling. Also under "Students" click on "Student Life" and see what they have to offer. Don't go with the goal of getting a girlfriend. Go with the flow. Don't care about whether you get a girlfriend from the deal or not. Don't be attached to the outcome. Live in the here and now.

Take my advice and you won't have to wait until you collect Social Security to acquire social skills.
 SweetSmartNSassy2
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 60
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 4:28:57 PM
Billabong, nothing will happen with your social skills until you:

1. TURN OFF THE COMPUTER!

2. GET OUT OF YOUR CHAIR.

3. GO TO A COUNSELOR AT SCHOOL OR YOUR DOCTOR.

4. FIND A PROGRAM THAT WILL HELP YOU.

5. FOLLOW SAID PROGRAM!

Sorry for the caps; I was inspired.
 angst4u
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 61
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 4:35:40 PM
Dude chill ,you have not been listening everyone here has spelled it out from Darwin to body language.Forget about hot lookin chicks and concentrate on the mind of a woman. There you will find a friend a partner and a lover.Sometimes you just cant will it to happen, it happens on its own through destiny and yes it takes guts for the timid.But thats part of life to overcome your weakness. Like a previous post get a hobby that has meetings, you will find her there.If you take the time to see her inside you wont worry about the outside. The goal is to love with the heart and the mind.
 TheFallenJester
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 62
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 4:48:55 PM

Man sometimes I feel like giving up because by the time my social skills become normal and I have the ability to get a girlfriend, I will be old, and I will have already missed out, that is why sometimes I think about suicide.


We're on the third page, and people have tried to give you good advice on how to market yourself and get yourself out there. Social skills aren't everything, just go with your personality. Wear an accesory or comb your hair a different way that will cause someone to approach you and initiate a conversation if that's what it takes.
I've bipolar disorder, and PTSD. I'm anti-social as all hell. I do horribly in crowds of people, and I dislike meeting new people less it be on my terms.
However.... general charisma and base intrigue will make up for a lot of these short comings in initating a meeting with someone new.
For whatever reason, I look angry and mean all the time, apparently my standard facial expression leaves something to be desired. However, just being odd/off/different doesn't rule you out completely.
Get something that is different, do something to look or appear different from the crowd that will draw them to you. People generally will approach someone who looks 'eccentric.' Once they begin talking to you, the hard part's done! Then just carry on the conversation and listen to what they have to say.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 63
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 5:12:13 PM
I wonder what you're saying to these females.

Me, I'd introduce myself and ask what her name is, then ask about age.
If you meet her on campus, ask her what she's majoring in. Talk about majors and future goals.

Social skills are not about being about to talk a lot and trying to be interesting.
Social skills are about asking questions and acting or truly being interested in what she says.

Go to youtube and look up "speedseduction".
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 64
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:27:17 PM
Since I am already out of high school and I don't know how to approach properly and I still lack the social skills, I feel it is too late for me to learn. I think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
 TheFallenJester
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 65
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:32:21 PM
Firstly. Nobody likes a self-pity party.
Secondly. High School has nothing to do with it, you just learn how to pick up immature gits.
Lastly. You need to stop the crying game and go to a place that is comfortable for you, whether it be a book store, gym, electronics place, whatever. A place that goes to your hobby and lays to your strength.

Saying "Hey, how's it going?" Is usually a great start.
If you do nothing, nothing will happen.
If you try, nothing may happen as well, but you will have the possibility of what you've been hoping for, or at least the knowledge of what may work and what doesn't.
Sitting here moping in the forums definately won't accomplish anything. Go out, guns blazing, and just try and talk to someone. That's all you have to do.
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 66
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:35:00 PM
yeah well everytime I have spoken to a girl, taking the initiative, they were either taken or not interested. All the girls that I have been on dates with, it was because they made first contact with me, they made it obvious that they liked me. But they were not my type. Oh well, an ugly girl is better than no girl at all.
 spacetolet
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 67
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 6:38:56 PM
Messages this short may not be posted
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 68
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:14:31 PM

Billabongdude06 wrote: yeah well everytime I have spoken to a girl, taking the initiative, they were either taken or not interested. All the girls that I have been on dates with, it was because they made first contact with me, they made it obvious that they liked me. But they were not my type. Oh well, an ugly girl is better than no girl at all.

Ugly girls need love too. I know a guy who's 5'4" and he's dating an obese gal who's taller than I am (I'm 5'7"). He's got a great personality and doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact he's short. Of course, even with that kind of confidence I doubt many girls would go for him because of his height. So yeah, guys under 5'10" have it much tougher than guys 5'10" and up. Even salary-wise. Then again, on average tall guys may make more, but rest assured they're going to need that money to recover from divorces and pay for child support if there are kids involved (and alimony too, if he lives in an alimony state like California).

I've subscribed to Ross Jeffries' newsletters because they're a hoot to read! One of them is called "The Boyfriend Destroyer". One of his lines for guys to use when a girl tells him she already has a boyfriend is, "Boyfriends are like colds, easy to get but hard to get rid of." I'm willing to bet that a lot of girls who say that probably don't have a boyfriend and even if they do, they'd be willing to "trade up" if the right guy came along. And girls may use that as a test to see how we guys will react.
 Ralleac
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 69
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 7:48:01 PM

Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?...

...Unfortuneately, since society expects us guys to be more assertive, this hurts the shy quiet guys a lot.


There is an abundance of men willing to pursue women. Women can usually expect men to take the initiative because they know that for every one of us that can't or doesn't want to there are many more who can and will.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 70
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 8:45:59 PM

Ralleac wrote: There is an abundance of men willing to pursue women. Women can usually expect men to take the initiative because they know that for every one of us that can't or doesn't want to there are many more who can and will.

That's true. You have to go where women outnumber men for them to compete for you, even if it's to a "single gentlemen's event" in the former Soviet Union (the current CIS states) or Latin America. 500 women to 25 guys, that's 20:1 in your favor, or 20 women for every guy.
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 71
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 8:53:47 PM
i kind of like it that way (boy chases girl) -or at least thats the impression the girls are giving. women were born with the curves and curls, they want to be desired and persued, she's normally a bit more shy when she sees a guy she likes, and if she had to physically give chase and gets rejected it crushes her self esteem. where guys get plenty of rejection -and dont care or write her rejection off immediately (keep tellin youself they're like streetcars -another one comes by every 10 minutes)
-if you keep your eyes and ears open -you will find plenty of subliminal signals women are quietly shouting at the men!

your rejection rate is normally about 80%, so practice getting shot down. next time your out in public, try saying "hi" to 10 strange women you happan to pass by, you may get looked at like your a freak, however there are at least two who will smile back and say "hi"
 Billabongdude06
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 72
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 9:25:16 PM
That makes sense and is understandle, but still why do most women make it so hard for men when they are making the first move? Why do they want to have a lot of conversations and talk a lot before going out on a date? Thats stupid, because the whole point of the date is to be getting to know eachother more. Women are definetley more picky than guys.
 murakumo33
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 73
Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 3/31/2009 11:50:43 PM
im just going to put my thoughts out on this one. what im seeing from every one of your posts here is that you generally have an inferiority complex. or at least that is how your text appears. you keep asking questions and asking why, but im not sencing any real effort to find the answers you seek. women seek confidence because it creates the thought that this guy must be strong in some sence because he is sure of his self. ( not confused with arrogance) .

some suggestions i have for you

1) first you must gain confidence in yourself because you come accross as needy, whiney and someone that would give up before trying. this may not be true but how you type gives off this impression. i think you need to ask your self and understand what it is that YOU are finding attractive in these already taken girls. ( its the fact that because they are taken that they seem more appealing because they obviously are worth while to others. HOW EVER this may not be the same for YOU.)

if you gain confidence im sure you will see a change in the way women see you.

2) understand that men are attracted to women based on appearance first, then personallity because the brain sees a certain figure and deems it a match for the best resaults in producing a healthy child. that is how the brain works in a man. which is why you always find guys talkin about the female body in usually sexual ways. men are visually reseptive in selection. with that said....

3) women are not visually reseptive in the sence that men are. they are personallity traits oriented. in their brains a match for a healthy child is based on a emotional stabbility standard.. * healthy mind= healthy body mentality.

ever notice men tend to solve problems much differently then women in a general sence? man finds problem and immediately moves in to action unless he needs advice on a course of action. a women would generally inquire first with other women on the best course of action talk about if for a while then take action.

after all this babble in short.. you need to understand your own personallity traits, wants, needs, and what it is you are attracted to and WHY so. after that im sure you will have your answer to all your whys.


dont know if any of my long post makes sence but its just my two cents. best of luck man.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 74
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 12:05:09 AM
Did you women who ridiculed or lectured this guy here need to kick him when he's down? I hope you haven't been taking lesson from the inconsiderate guys many of you love to complain about, but what I see's not a very pretty picture. He sounds like he's got a serious problem--whether this was the right place to air it or not, he's asking for help. Watch out you never have a serious problem yourself--you may find people ridiculing you, too.
 Cypher_Red
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 75
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Why does the guy always have to initiate the date and relationship? or at least most of the time?
Posted: 4/1/2009 4:54:27 AM
Greater rates of insecurity in women means fear of rejection puts greater barriers on them. Men on dating sites tend to outnumber women about four to one so why would the women need to do the hunting when the odds are stacked in their favor. Tradition says so, feminism sometimes says so.
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