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 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 35
What motivates you to look for a relationship?Page 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Companionship and sex.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 37
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/4/2009 12:38:57 PM

What motivates you to look for a relationship?


I don't think I'm all that motivated at all. It's not disinterest or even laziness. I think I just figure that the more I look, the less likely I am to find it.


A lot of people seem to believe that great sex evolves out of intimacy and loyalty and affection, but I think it can go both ways -- it's very possible to have intimacy and loyalty and affection evolve out of great sex.


It certainly happens a lot. To me anyway.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 45
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:27:43 PM


Companionship motivates the over 50s

I would not be so absolute certain sure of that m'dear. . . .

 elsbethlette
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 47
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:31:03 PM
I always get the urge to get to know a man right around income tax time. Have no idea why.

I don't really look for a relationship. More a friendship. Someone I can LIKE. Someone who might LIKE me.

Tough to find in a single male.
 White_Scorpion
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 49
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/9/2009 5:36:20 PM
I might have a slightly different response. Still analyzing my thoughts to be sure though.

Intellectual pursuits and the desire to learn seem to be an overarching driving force for me in life. The desire to learn about and to understand relationships provides the stimulus needed for me to get off my rear and date.

My last girlfriend told me that I showed her two primary emotions: passion and drive (hey, it was a short relationship). Before I was 25, I did not seek out dating or a relationship. I wanted sex for sure, but was too lazy to go out and take it. My roommate summed it up perfectly when he stated that I just didn't care. Apathy was the word of the day. From an external perspective, I could see firsthand all the issues that came up in relationships and it seemed like it just wasn't worth it just to have sex.

The primal urge for sexual intimacy is likely the first thing that I noticed, but I think of it as an urge that is closely tied to emotions. It is something I felt and feel, but for years didn't act on directly. Intimately, I am a giver and my preference is to do what I can to make a woman happy. I noticed at an early age that doing so in my imagination is nowhere near as rewarding as doing so with a woman in real life. So the desire to make a woman happy on an intimate and intellectual level is quite strong for me.

In addition, I have been fortunate or foolhardy enough to take the time to fidlde around with my hormones enough to learn a thing or two. I found that when I lowered my normally high sex drive, I had far less interest in dating. An expected outcome. I chose to do it in such a way that I also moved most negative emotions out of the way temporarily (lowered estrogen levels). When I did so, I realized I was quite happy alone and that pure companionship was not a strong driver for me. I want and need companionship, but a little goes a long way. I don't need to be physically close to someone or even to talk to my closest friends at all. The bond is strong enough without need for reassurance.

Anyhow, that is my perspective and I am sure it will evolve over time as I learn more about myself.
 jaqi
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 50
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/19/2009 8:25:47 AM
I have to be honest and say that I have no idea what I want now.... I have been single about 4 years and have to say I really enjoy it...I have put on my profile that I think I am ready for something long term but if it doesn't happen along in the next 4 years I am not going to be bitterly disappointed. I never feel lonely even though I live alone.

It feels really good to be enjoying my own company after all these years of 'needing' a man in my life and couldn't contemplate jumping in to a relationship just for the sake of having that man there and certainly not because I want physical intimacy ~ I am long past the point where I worry about what people think of me so having a good sex session out of a relationship is fine with me.

I suppose what motivates me to keep looking is that there are some things that are nicer to do with someone else rather than on your own so I have stated that I am looking for an activity partner . I love meeting face to face and do that fairly regularly but as yet haven't met anyone that really floats my boat or that I could envisage spending copious amounts of time with. I will continue to meet and make friends and maybe that 'special' smiley active guy will happen along.

Also I am such a firm believer in not mixing business with pleasure so although I work in a largely male environment I won't date any of the men... I rarely meet men I want to date on the dancing scene... I am treated as one of the lads in my gym (which is just how I like it) and I am not in to night clubs so for me the net has opened such an avenue to meet some really genuine people that I wouldn't ordinarily meet.... and YES there are some very nice genuine guys out there!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 56
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 8:18:57 AM
I'm not motivated to look, or search, or hunt or any of that - but will be motivated to consider it only when someone crosses my path that trips my hormones AND my brain at the same time, and intrigues me to want to know more.

I've been single a long time, so not only am I used to it - I appreciate it. I don't see what being single a long time has to do with needing companionship. Sex is nice within a relationship, but can be handled separately if necessary. Wanting to share things with someone is only relevant to whoever I meet and end up involved with. Without a person in mind, wanting to share my life/dreams/whatever with "someone" is a silly concept.

*shrug*
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 58
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 4/26/2009 11:37:08 AM


What motivates you to look for a relationship?


One thing: the right man.


Well, I would answer, "the right woman." seem appropriate, but there is more. For me, coming from a fundamental Christian world view I was struck by the following:


I am also motivated out of loneliness .. and motivated out of a need for sex as well!


I have never shied away from stating that I want and need a lover. I can get all the companionship I want, albeit transient and in the scheme of things somewhat temporary; but through church and para-church activities, social gatherings, I have close friends and companions, some with whom I do feel safe enough to expose and discuss inner thoughts. Some, to a greater extent than I ever did with MOMS (mother of my son).

But, and this is the crux of the issue, I am uncomfortable with the idea of sex outside of marriage. So for me I want and need a woman who shares a similar foundation, is looking also for a lover, but recognizes that before we were to get that far those fundamental elements would also have to be present.

What scares the hell out of me ( and that's a good thing, isn't it?) is a woman who's primary focus is that of companionship. I want that too, but if that is the woman's primary focus, I am fearful that she and I are not motivated by the same passions. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.

TK
{recognizing that an empty nest can be very empty}
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 67
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/5/2009 1:57:20 AM
i'm a romantic and a realist. both motivate me. i'm also an extrovert, an only child, and still have lots of passion and sensuality in me. plus, i like to talk to my man at nite while we are gently falling off to sleep and also to snuggle and giggle with my partner and share our secrets and dreams, as well as confide our pain. screwing around just doesn't do it for me. i guess i'm a complicated woman who seeks simplicity and intelligent life on this planet, before i float to the above! in my mind, negative experiences and perspectives motivate people to "not" seek a relationship. some give up too soon and don't have faith. the positive in me seeks to relate. i do believe i will be well matched. just don't know with whom, where or when. well, that's just me. i believed in my business. at age 34, i achieved what was supposed to be impossible. same with adopting my kids at age 50 and finding my lymes when i was misdiagnosed and using a wheelchair back then at times when i could barely stand. so, now over ten years later, why not this too? i'm just not a quitter.

ren, you said way back in this thread you thought sexuality and friendship equals love. i have learned this is not true, from my past three year relationship. for many, love is too risky--they fear to project and really are not confident in their own decison making or self esteem. my ex "relationship" cried when i left him, after all the time i gave him slack to "evolve". i know he misses me even now. but, how can he love me, when he doesn't even love himself? we were great sexual partners and the best of friends. i've never had such great physical chemistry dashed by such negativity as time went on. to him, love is a feeling. he wasn't feeling so good, in general. it had nothing to do with me, i now know for sure.

to me, at a certain point beyond the initial bonding, love forms "attachment". this is chemically documented as well. he was amiss in the neurotransmitters department. chalk it to experience and add willingness and the chutzpah (!) to grow both individually and apart-- and to have the capability for teamwork!
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 68
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 4:19:47 PM
what motivates me is that i feel that with the right woman i can help make their life AND MINE happier.
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 69
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 5:52:59 PM
Everyone is looking for different reasons. Some probably are here just for companionship. It is work to do this and maybe they're scared or tired or have no self esteem. Some people have been battered in previous relationships and need to take things slow at first to learn to trust. Sex can complicate matters. It's great but once you cross into that plain- there are different expectations.

Some are here to feed their mid life crisis and see how many people they can sleep with soo they feel macho or desirable or whatever.

Some lost their one true love and feel they won't find that again- but they're lonely and miss the companionship or conversation of the opposite sex.

There are lots of reasons people are here.
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 70
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 5:56:31 PM
It's not always that way. With some women they would rather have some other quality time spent with them also to build that emotional connection- otherwise it's like having sex with your brother or dorm mate or something more impersonal. Call it foreplay or just communication.
 MyFunIsAnArtForm
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 71
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/8/2009 10:46:45 PM
I don't hate to say it but most seem like there internet dating junkies more than looking for friends or dating.
 rockondon
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 80
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2009 6:35:59 PM
carpal tunnel syndrome
 Kimberish925
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 87
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 7/12/2009 4:10:57 PM
Great thread...glad it's still going.

I have to say the companionship and sex theory is spot on. I long to be in a monogomous relationship with someone that I feel mutual respect for. Someone that I can share with and is willing to share with me. By share, I mean the good, the bad and the ugly. That comes with trust for each other. From that you find companionship/freindship and hopefully love. As far when sex falls in to place can vary but in most cases sex happens shortly after the realization that you have found some level of companionship that has future potential but well before the love sets in.

I'm beyond putting restrictions on when sex will happen in a relationship, however I am very selective and end up going months before finding anyone I would even consider. The looking continues..........
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 93
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:03:53 PM
Companionship, most likely... And I am getting tired of taking care of my roommate...
I want to cook meals for a girl.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 95
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:50:45 PM
I'm still not interested in dating unless/until I meet a guy in my travels that inspires consideration of dating/relationships. I have to want a relationship based on the guy I'm getting to know. Outside that context I have no referene point.

I simply cannot walk around wanting "a" relationship with no prospect to go with it. Cart before horse.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 96
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:22:37 PM
i am fortunate to love life and people. finding "the one" is hard, but i'm committed to it on many different levels.

we evolve in relationships and methinks you are in that process now ren. out of the blue, an aha moment will occur for you, i have no doubt.

i also share what you call that "lingering sense of loneliness". this is not about emptiness or being "less than". it is about essence. it is beyond the me. i sense your "me" is pretty stable.

margaret wheatley is one of my favorite intellectual and "practical" giants. she applies her theories as a change agent and admits when she is "stooped". she always recovers and rethinks. i saw her speak and show her slides years ago at a learning organization conference. underlying all dynamic processes is order, whether you prick a bacterial colony on one of her slides, experience natural disaster or have a blackout or war. eventually there is a life force that seeks to restore "order".

starting as a biologist, she has become an organizational consultant and is much involved with "rebuilding". you should google her in general, but here, ren, is what she says about relationships: http://www.margaretwheatley.com/articles/relationships.html

in essence she claims that relstionships are the building blocks of life and growth. yes, a personal earthquake or two can shake us up. some need to rethink or regain their balance. but ultimately, we seek to bond. that is what creates and grows beyond "self". even our ideas will get passed on by others. so does our energy, our love, our laughter and our tears. me personally, i can survive basics. but not willing to sit here alone looking at my own dam-n navel.

i've accomplished a lot in life. this is one things that, for me, seeks a path of least resistance and commands a gentle journey that winds through life as a creek winds through valleys amidst mountains and hills. for me, it's a very personal and intimate journey. i hope to share my path with another and be trusted with knowing his. the intertwining will be interesting and soothing and often exciting.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 97
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:42:55 AM
Yet, even now, at 59, I feel as if there is something wrong, if I don't date, yet no positive motivation to work real hard to find someone.

There's nothing wrong if you don't date. The feeling that there is comes from social conditioning. However if you're not dating and life is good for you, then nothing's missing. You're just used to assuming something is, because maybe in earlier years, something was - or you dated as a habit and it's odd not to.

Sometimes when working in the kitchen, my hand will hit my electric burner when my stove's off. Damned if my hand doesn't for a second feel like it's been burned before it goes away. It's just a physical reaction to a time when I did that with my stove on. Natural reaction...even when I don't actually get burned.

Same thing.
 CChauncey
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 99
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2009 5:22:05 PM
I was dating this semi-stereotypical LA girl, gorgeous, fashionable, but not the most interesting thinker. I realized doing stuff with her was almost pointless, it's as if it never happened, because unless it was absolutely spectacular, she didn't seem to have anything to say about anything. I knew she wasn't "the one" anyways, but it just drove home how important it is to be with somebody on the same wavelength.

Some girls, you accidentally see the worst one-woman play ever, and it's an all time great moment, so much to discuss and mock afterwards. Followed by months maybe even years of reciting lines from it. Other girls will just tell you it was stupid, they were bored, and you never get to talk about it again. I want the former. I want to grow older with somebody who has an interesting take on everything we're going to do, everywhere we'll go, everything we eat and drink and watch and listen to.

I think that's why I'm on here. There are so many cute single girls in LA. You meet them everywhere. But I'm looking for somebody really special. Maybe this isn't the place. But it's been fun looking.
 CChauncey
Joined: 5/22/2009
Msg: 101
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:18:39 PM

However please don't give up on finding that one special person.
Oh, I'm never giving up. :) I was just wondering out loud if POF was going to be helpful. Lots of great girls in the world, so I'm not really worried.

Congrats on finding the one!
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 102
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:02:32 PM
ren, sometimes when the "rowing" gets tough, it's time to let the boat drift--in essence, letting go.

when you have a good brain, which you do and i know i do, we are sometimes attracted to someone who stands out in an energetic kind of way. there is passion and excitement. but, as you say, it can often get out of control and that boat begins to rock.

it's hard to find someone who is both grounded and can yet reach for the sky, without a major "tipping". maybe a more contemplative person? a star gazer? a person who knows how to row to shore and then get back in the boat after an earthy reprieve? for me, i'm at a point of letting my boat drift. not steering it at the moment, but it's still doing it's thing. my shores are not far away, i have little fear, the weather is calm, the boat is not rocking and i guess i'm doing my own damned star gazing for the time being.

i'm not strong enough to surf the ocean in a literal sense, but i can sure ride the waves of any emotional/spiritual journey. 'cause in my mind, that's exactly what it is--part of needing something larger than me and larger than an "us". it's about finding someone to row the boat with me. w/o a major hassle involved! the details are flexible, it's the rythmn that i seek.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 104
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/18/2009 11:19:09 PM
ditto ren. i'm a touchy feeley person also. but, if the wrong person, it can become very "creepy". although he really annoys me most of the time, i left on dr. phil as i was doing paperwork today. not wanting to listen to him, helps me focus on the paperwork i also do not want to do! somewhere in between all this, my conscious drifted to a point that he made. the show was on "drama queens" and attention seeking behaviours. he said something like: most of the mistakes that arise in relationships, come from seeking immediate gratification. this can result in poor choices, addictive or dysfunctional behavior, or trading in the long term for the short term. while changing one's paradigm or modus operandi, the motivation may appear to be lost. it's like trying on a new pair of shoes. takes time to break them in.

i recently thought i had found both a friend and a partner. the timing just wasn't right. i don't know if his immediate gratification needs can be put aside to recoup a platonic friendship, but after a lot of thinking on my part and a "second try", i'm not willing to settle. i want the full monty! i believe he wants to give it, but he has a lot more mourning to do. i want a friend, confidante, monogamous and passionate partner--but also someone not prone to hissy fits, denial, inability to communicate or self absorbed.

this will all take a certain kind of personality, a big heart and someone who sees the pluses of a relationship and not constantly reminded of past baggage or past failures. it will take someone who loves life and who has successfully come to grips with what life has dished out to date, including the bad.

if it takes finding a needle in the haystack, well then thank my lucky stars i'm retired and have the time to do it. every cloud has it's silver lining. but yes, i get tired of the dating scene as well. if/when i find the right person for me, i'll perk up pretty quickly!

if i were still working (at least in my old field), i'd find ways to be open as well. open however, does not mean "stupid". it's hard to maintain an even keel when you have a bursting personality within you. so, i put my bursting into acts of human kindness and community participation. i'll keep my serene part for "the one"-- and of course, nature and the wildlife now hanging out in my backyard at night . when you start a new job as well, sometimes you just gotta do one thing at a time.
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 107
What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/19/2009 5:01:20 AM
i get immense pleasure from giving if it's AT SOME POINT reciprocated. i enjoy the company of a woman who is a little eccentic or quirky. it keeps me on my toes.

it's also nice to share everyday experiences, good or bad. a person you can be honest with and say anything to and not worry they'll get upset with you for your honesty.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 109
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What motivates you to look for a relationship?
Posted: 8/19/2009 9:36:42 PM
daqve 1234 i want to make sure i "get" what you are saying. you compare "family" as the link to one's parents and children, with "chemistry" which you say is the link to one's romantic partner. but is a romantic partner "enough" to last the passages of family over time? plus, many do their best to detach from toxic families, despite the original physiological bonds.

i agree that friends per se do not a romantic partner make. but i believe it is the capacity to bond that makes us stick with both family and romantic partners unless some other even more sacred bond is broken. there are chemicals in our body that produce "attraction" and then there are chemicals that allow us to bond. women tend to be given more of these chemicals, when it comes to child rearing as an automatic survival mechanism for our species. it is human touch and nurturing that keeps these chemicals flowing. the attraction chemicals are a bit more of an art, after a longer duration. aside from that, there is ablity to commit. to commit to trying to communicate and to grow/change as time goes by. a rigid mind will only see things his/her own way. often in denial or some sort of addiction mentality.

what keeps us motivated to some degree is how our chemicals are flowing and what life experiences altered our innate abilty to bond and form community. in today's very stressful and alienated world, these experiences seem to bombard us more than ever before. for some, they seek solace and respite and wish to hide. for others seeking the same, they wish the company of others.

for many of us, for whatever reason, the passion is the same or even greater when family obligations give us more room and time. for others, just trying to accomplish basic communication becomes wearisome or even makes some people very angry. it amazes me just how many angry and volatile people exist in today's world. sometimes, i too just want to hide from it all. but, for some reason, i have a lot of those chemicals running around in my body. so, i keep motivated and when i am confronted with other people's toxicity or drama, if i can do something i will. if i can't i move along. sometimes in between it all, i need to rest. but, overall, the human spirit has not left my body yet.

this was a really bad couple of weeks for me on all fronts. if something undesireable "could" happen--these past two weeks it "did" happen. yet i'm now coming out of it and into a greater light. throughout it all, i "chose" to keep on chugging. one never knows when the universe bestows gifts. just waves and cyles and climates and never ending changes--both the good ones and the bad ones.

good friends, good family, good community and a great SO (significant other)-- for me-- makes all the difference in the world. so, i "choose" to make space for the missing piece. it is when the bad times come, that i find out just how "good" the people in my life are--especially the ones who i have been there for, in times of their duress! on the other hand, with a great SO, it is the joy and peace and passion and humor that makes even the bad times: addressable, achievable, and tolerable. that is what physical, emotional and spiritual bonding is all about.
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