Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >      Home login  
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 7
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Tell her the truth.
Say... I have every intention of continuing to remain honest. I have found before that I cannot have a good relationship with a woman who doesn't seem attractive to me because that has happened before. I felt bad though, because I am not as into you as you're into me and there are some shortcomings with you that make me want to keep looking, but not to discount you entirely. And I read were that, dating isn't exclusive till both parties discuss it and agree to it. So there! I'm dating other people while I enjoy sex with you. Now, please place this bag over your head.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 12
view profile
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:16:14 AM
If you are going to continue to enjoy her and have sex, being exclusive is very important unless you both agree to not be and take the precautions to protect the both of you.

I would think that you could use a little more tact when it comes to reasons for not wanting to be exclusive, and if not exclusive, I certainly hope that you will talk to this poor woman and let her know that you enjoy her, but do not believe that you have more of a future other than a casual date that includes sex when both want it.

So, what we have here is someone that might be somewhat connected to another and enjoy her, when you are horny, but when not, you just as well not have her around.......go figure. Maybe some open communications about needing and dating someone closer to your age, or that you see the two of you as friends, but nothing really more, and can have the benefits also, if she would like that as well.

Bet she does not, and will take her unattractive older body somewhere else..........either that, or you can each put a bag on each others head and go for it.

Just my opinion.......
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/2/2009 12:28:30 PM
Are you attracted to her when's she's fully clothed? There's a reason we wear clothes, and 99.99% of us arent exactly perfect when we're naked. If you cant get past the attractiveness, let her go and maybe stay friends, but without the intimacy, that will just make it seem that you're using her. It might not be the best idea to bring up her body when you talk to her, you'll seem that you were either desperate for attention, or just wanted an easy lay.

Of course, sometimes you can have a good friends with some benefits arrangement if both parties can agree to keep their emotions separate and just enjoy each other's company. This means that you can hang out and do things, and NOT just expect to have sex each time!
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 23
view profile
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/2/2009 10:30:03 PM

am seeing a girl now who I have dated on two weekends. The first time was for just an hour and a half, and the second time was for an entire weekend over my house. She really enjoyed her time with me and we did have sex four times. I felt bad though, because I am not as into her as she is into me, and there are some shortcomings with her that make me want to keep looking, but not to discount her entirely.

So, let me get this straight...YOU do not find said woman very attractive, but somehow or another, your penis did not have a problem with her? Is it really that difficult to control into who's vagina your penis enters, esp. if YOU are not attracted to her??? Of course your penis will not discount her, even though you will.
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 44
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/4/2009 5:11:57 AM
I kinda get the feeling from what I have read, you posted an "issue" and you do not like what you are hearing. For me, I cannot and will not have with sex with someone that I am not attracted to. And I mean on all levels. I have no reason to mess with anyones feelings or emotions, including my own. Admit it, when you become "intimate" with someone, things change. And you know she is into you more than you are into just to get your wanker wet is a bit sad. You claim to have been attracted to her before you saw her nude, yet you STILL had sex with her. It is hard to tell with men too buddy. Maybe she "tolerates" your size or the fact you appear feminine. (kinda demeaning, huh?) If you are into someone then be in it with a sound mind. If you not, then don't have sex with them. It is called control. She sounds like she may be to good for you. Sex is a lot more about looks. Get some change and buy a clue. I do not buy the one thing leads to another crap. Then again, I have a lot of control and respect. Something some people simply do not have. Yeah, you want to find the "right match" well then get to know them and demand nudes before you have sex. Good grief. Losers, party of one, your table is now ready.
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 50
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:23:08 PM
DUDE! Well played! Basically you put in 90 minutes of work one weekend and and you come up with a bangfest the next - 4 times no less. That's we we call in the biz as an awesome return on investment. So what's the problemo? You are 32. Are you saying you have never had a boink fest with someone you were marginally or not really attracted to and then never saw them again? Sounds like you are having post coital remorse.

Here's the good news. You are both adults and can make decisions for yourself. In other words it takes two to tango. You posed the question so you're gonna take the heat on this forum. Don't feel you have to be a mercenary in giving her your time. Besides, she deserves better. I understand that you want to be considerate of her feelings. If you're not really in to her then move on.

BTW......I know where you are coming from. I have been with tons of babes that you don't want to take any further than the bedroom.
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 60
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/11/2009 9:34:50 AM
You crack me up; you have sex with her; then you say how many times to show your prowess; then you are asking advice saying how honest you are and how you are going to do the right thing? Get over yourself.

I know people are sleazy in todays world and have sex like its the morning coffee but I was brought up right and I take care of business. A real man wouldnt' sleep with someone then look at the consequences afterward.

If you were honest; and stop patting yourself on the back about being honest because you are not; but if you were honest you would have told her BEFORE YOU HAD SEX!!!!

You should man up and tell her, I enjoy spending time with you, but I want you to know I'm not into getting into anything serious right now so I might date other people, and I feel that it's ok if you do the same." after the fact you are now trying to be noble?

What a dog.

You have every intention of CONTINUING to be honest? you haven't started!!!!!! Call her up now and FINALLY tell her the truth; It amazes me and how good a guy you think you are when in reality you really treated her bad and lead her on; you have a lot of growing up to do.
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 61
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/11/2009 8:12:29 PM
Um, I am seriously looking for constructive criticism here, and asinine, critical replies like this are less than helpful.

Yeah.. good luck with that. She's good enough to screw, but not have a relationship with? I think you should be honest with her so she can get all rage-y on you.

That'd be helpful to HER.

Here I thought most of us wouldn't have sex with people we're not attracted to. Oye.
 Make it happen!
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 62
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/12/2009 11:55:03 AM
abortretryfail... I hope she is not on this site. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Did you really call her physicaly unattractive? Chose your words better and think about what you are saying. Are you that great looking? Maybe you are the one not physically attractive.....ever think of that? I have met men that are not so good looking but made a connection and before you know it cannot wait to see those blue eyes againg. Words can be forgiven but maybe not forgotten. There is something attractive in each of us. Look for it and you will find it. Some have such a great personality that they are adorable. If you mutually enjoyed each other why on earth are you even asking this quesiton? I am not beeing mean but real. If I were that girl and read this I would be crushed and tell you where to go......and it would not be pretty. Unless you are all that.............stop saying things like this. Really, stop it. I am certainly not into bashing but I cannot believe you said that out loud and then put it in print. I hope you fall head over heals in love with her..........then she reads this.......not so pretty when the shoe is on the other foot. Be nice, you bedded each other.... you must have liked something.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 63
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/12/2009 9:39:44 PM

The gist of the threads I read were that, dating isn't exclusive till both parties discuss it and agree to it.

No, I wouldn't say that. It's a mixed bag. Many times it's not required. If two people started as "hang out friends" and that continued for a while and hence head-scratching as to where things were, sure. But for normal situations, it ends up speaking for itself, I believe.

The main thing is, she is nine years older (which is okay) and she is very sweet, but she is not terribly attractive. She really enjoyed her time with me and we did have sex four times. I felt bad though, because I am not as into her as she is into me

Okay, you like the sex, and you want friends+benefits. That's basically the bottom line. If you really liked her, you wouldn't have made this forum post.

Is it wrong to have sex and not be exclusive, to keep dating?

That's not the real question here. You know you don't want an exclusive relationship with her, and 90% chance you know you won't. Admit it. You want to know if it's okay to NOT tell her that, and keep having sex and seeing each other. Answer is no.

What ya gotta do is talk about the situation... weave it into a conversation over dinner... prepare how to do it and what questions you may ask, etc., to make it really comfortable. Basically, if this is what you want, you have to get her approval. You have to see if she's okay with being friends+benefits with a possible probability of a relationship down the road, but not anytime soon. If she's cool with that, then you get the green light.

You just want to see what you can get away with without really doing anything about it and not feeling guilty. :)

When two people are seeing each other, and continue to see each other, it's assumed that the other person hasn't written you off as unattractive & not-really-fit for a relationship. If they end up feeling that way, then the tone of the situation between the two should be noted. This can be done like my advice above, or even just saying that you're not looking for a relationship and like to keep your options open.

I'm saying this because if you continue to see her and sleep with her, she being 40 and not terribly attractive as you put it, and she's thinking this young guy really digs her -- you're in for a world of drama (and guilt)!
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 64
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 4/16/2009 1:34:12 PM

To me having sex does not automatically imply exclusivity, you are still just dating

It doesn't automatically, no. Continuing to see each other and having sex all the while? It does imply exclusivity. In the middle of said involvement, one person loses attraction in the other person and wants friends+beneifits, something has to be said... otherwise, it's called "playing games", because you're -leading someone on-, that you are dating. If you are dating frequently, it does imply exclusivity, unless otherwise specified.

Since it's apparent that you don't want to be exclusive, I wouldn't bring it up.

He should bring it up -- unless it's understood by how the situation exists, that it's a "hang out", "no frills" situation. If she thinks he and she are dating and have something going -- he DOES need to bring it up. He's going to bring drama to the situation.

Sex does not mean exclusivity. Sexual Relations + Frequently, Continually Dating does... and if he's in that situation, he's gotta say something -- especially if he's not THAT into her. Common sense.
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 65
view profile
Sex on 2nd date - now what, exclusivity?
Posted: 7/29/2010 3:04:13 PM
I know your trying to come off like your doing the right thing,
you pissed off some personalities, Helen appears to be your new associate, but you did say she is great except; 30lbs heavy, some things best left unsaid, but then I think you feel quilty and put that up there To GeT Slammed.
Were you both drinking?
So the question is, when you tell her , we connect on all levels but your not a beauty and your not even top riding worthy,( man I am glad I'm not you), if you are going to break it to this girl, toss all this honesty stuff out the window. Make somthing up instead of destroying her ego. She probally feels great to get laid and is looking at a potential relationship with you, and your going to tell her she is too large to your liking .

a white lie will not hurt this ending relationship where a "your too fat for my liking" will devestate the psych of a fellow human being. I been the recipient of cruelty, and it isn't always easy to recoup your ego.

Good luck buds, sorry to see the pre"dick"iment you got yourself into.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  >