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 grkboy
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 51
Are there any people left that date one at a time?Page 3 of 14    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
This discussion simply reinforces the idea that not everyone is the same. Everyone has different wants of looking at dating. Is that wrong? Hell no. Only "wrong" is when there isn't honesty.

When I would start dating a girl, meaning I've gotten to know her to a degree on a friendly level and we're going to date now, I usually in my mind see her as potential for a relationship. I don't date for the sake of dating. That's a waste of time in my book. I'd rather hang with friends or be alone at home doing my own hobbies than be out on dates just to have a companion for the night. If I'm on a date, it means I see relationship potential in this woman.

NOW...if exclusivity isn't agreed upon and/or it's early in it all, then I think it's perfectly ok to keep your options open. What if I meet an even more charming girl next week? You can't put all your eggs in one basket nowadays. What if girl #1 ends up not being into me and wants to friendzone me? Girl #2 might totally fall for me and there I found a mate to share with.

As we can see here though, there are plenty who want to keep it monogamous even in the "seeing" or initial dating stages. The trick isn't to complain about the man or woman who's playing the numbers game, but seek out the one who shares your belief.

Just because a man or woman is attractive and single doesn't mean you should be trying to date them or even try to get them into a relationship. In the OP's case, if he can tell in the first two dates that she's basically made him a number and is comparing him to others she's seeing, then walk. If she's holding on to some ex and is hoping to find a copy of him through the OP, then walk. Don't try to make it work. Most likely she'll let you go and move on, but some might rethink because they see you don't need her and won't tolerate her behavior. Shows strength and confidence.


I hate the friendzone.
nothing worse than having feelings for someone who views me as a friend

Again, just because she offers it doesn't mean you have to take it.

When I accept the friendzone, then I friendzone the girl. From that point on she's got no chance of ever having me. It's not a revenge thing, but more showing you will not tolerate being put on a back burner. Friends means friends in my book...not "hopefully will become more". It's why I don't agree with the "friends first" philosophy, unless this girl is showing me real interest, but wants to take it slow. Too many men and women out there start it off thinking it's a good idea, but then lose any sparks because said friend is holding back.

If I really want the girl as more and she's only offering me friendship, then I politely decline and say goodbye. I won't hang with her as she's out with new guys, or hear her tell me how it should be so easy for me to find someone, when it's not. I walk...and have had many women get very childish because I didn't accept the table scraps she offered.

Be strong. Go after what you want and reject anyone who won't be to you what you want them to be.
 strollinbella
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 52
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 12:32:36 PM
I usually know by the end of the third date, if not the first, if there is any connection, any chemistry, between the man and me. Besides, with my whacky work schedule, it is difficult enough to find the time for one man, let alone several!!
 techgirl27
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 53
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Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 1:59:31 PM
one at a time still works and is good for when you have agreed to be exclusive with someone. When I've done that with someone, I stick to it.

The way I see it is, its a 2 way street, and when both folks are prepared to say they're at that point in their "relationship" then that's when it is. That's when a basic-level commitment (yep, that C word) is reached.

Until then, it isnt disrespect, but simply an open arrangement where both folks are entitled to see others if they want.

For me, personally, usually its during that time that I get to the point of "hmmm he's ok, but this one is a cut above" then the offering is made and I find out if they want it.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 54
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/7/2009 10:15:16 PM

For me, dating can be similiar to finding a job in some ways. Suppose I had applied for several different job openings. Three companies had responded and were interested in interviewing me. I'm not going to turn down an interview with 2 companies simply because I had already been scheduled for an interview with a third company.

What if you don't have a choice because the third company tells you can have a job you think you would like, if you want it, but you have to give them answer right now? There's no guarantee the other interviews would be for a job you would like.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 55
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 6:15:19 AM
The only time I'd ask about or "demand" exclusivity is when becoming intimate. That's a must for me.

So, you would be ok with dating someone who is sleeping with everyone else she's dating until you wanted her to sleep with you? At that point, why bother? If someone is dating multple people, then all you know for sure is if that person is sleeping with you. Personally, if I'm going to end up in a long term relationship with someone, I want the relationship to be exclusive from the start.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 56
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Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 7:47:00 AM
I think some people are making the faulty assumption that dating = sex. For me, dating means getting to know someone by engaging in conversation and activities other than sex. Perhaps by the third or maybe even tenth date, sex may come into the picture, and if it does, I'd discuss being exclusive prior to that happening, because for me, I'm not really interested in having sex with someone I don't think has long-term potential. Sure, it may not work out, but I'm definitely not seeking notches on my bedpost.

If you expect exclusivity from the start, I think you may end up having a series of short-term relationships that usually involve sex, even if you goal is long-term. Unless you are extraordinarily good at only dating people become long-term, you are going to have a series of failures. If you're trying to avoid sleeping with someone who's recently slept with someone else, perhaps you should only date virgins!

Anyway, so what if they've had sex with someone else? Even if you expect exclusivity, they've probably had sex in their immediately prior relationship. At first you probably use protection anyway, and at some point may both get tested if you wish to dispense with it.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 57
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 8:02:21 AM

I think this is an unlikely scenario anyways. I have been on both sides of the job interviewing / hiring process. In my experience, a company has rarely offered a person a job immediately ( within minutes or a few hours ) after the first interview. When a company does offer a person a job, they often give that person at least a few days to accept or decline the offer.

That's why it's a bad idea to use an inappropriate analogy. In this case, the analogy isn't necessary, because the original question is clear and in any case arguing from the analogy is fallacious. If you're dating you will] have people who don't give you the option to keep up the search. I wouldn't unless I considered you only a casual sex partner you were sleeping with while you were looking for Mr. Right (and in that case, I would never become Mr. Right.)
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 58
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 8:35:32 AM

I think some people are making the faulty assumption that dating = sex.

Ok, so that means exclusive by the second or third date, in general, if you expect sex to require exclusivity. Since I'd expect to go on a second date within a week of the first, that doesn't leave a lot of time to play the field. How many people can someday date in a few days and what would be the point? Maybe you wait for 10 dates, but perhaps the other guys she's dating do not, so for all practical purposes dating implies sex in which case you'' be the only one dating her but not sleeping with her. The Ozzie and Harriet version of dating where risque meant waiting to hold hands until after you got engaged, went out a long time ago.

If you expect exclusivity from the start, I think you may end up having a series of short-term relationships that usually involve sex, even if you goal is long-term. Unless you are extraordinarily good at only dating people become long-term, you are going to have a series of failures.

Why is that worse than parallel failures?

If you're trying to avoid sleeping with someone who's recently slept with someone else, perhaps you should only date virgins!

All I care about is that they aren't going to be dating (and/or sleeping with) anyone else after we've gone out the first time. Since no one I've ever dated more than once has ever wanted to do that nor even though it was necessary to discuss it, I'm pretty sure I can insist on that without handicapping myself too much.
I suppose people do things differently, but just because I expect exclusivity at the outset of anything that goes to a second date, doesn't mean it's weird or doesn't work.

Even if you expect exclusivity, they've probably had sex in their immediately prior relationship

That's not quite the same thing as sleeping with a date on Saturday night after she went on a date Friday night. What are you going to do, ask her what she did the night before?
 All_Sarcasm_Intended
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 59
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 10:48:02 AM
Masterofmindz,

You took The_Rock_Man's post out of context. He was differentiating himself from the people who are manipulative, desperate, and insecure. He was not saying that anyone who doesn't see it his way is insecure; which is how you took that post.

I know this might be a hard concept for you, but read the WHOLE post before you post a comment.

but hey...what do I know...maybe I'll just post a dancing banana...and put LOL after every sentence. Maybe you'll understand it that way...LOL

Understand now?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 60
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 10:28:33 PM

I'm not getting why some say that those who date one at a time are desperate and wanting to jump into a relationship blindly.

Yeah ~ that's so bizarre to me. I personally don't date much at all. The reason? I know what I want and what I will/won't be interested in. If I happen to meet ONE man that appears to possess the qualities I'm interested in doesn't mean I'm desperate, it means I'm SO NOT desperate that I can make myself unavailable to anyone else in order to see what may or may not happen with someone I perceive as: a great guy or even the right guy for me. I'm not losing a thing by dating only one man. It really is a to each their own. I've done it both ways and I'm still single ~ apparently neither way has worked for me.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 61
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/8/2009 10:43:10 PM

I tend to date a number of different men until one of them grabs me and says, "Mine."

I hope you aren't cheating on me.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 62
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 2:56:48 AM
i tend to usually date only one man at a time. we either decide as adults to get together or we don't. i tend not to "date" often so there are very few that i screen.
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 63
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 3:44:44 AM
I date one at a time and won't date someone who dates multiple women at the same time. Why waste my time when I am only one of a number. I prefer to spend time with someone to see if we are compatible, which does not take long. I think if someone is the type to date multiple people at the same time, they should be up front about it when contacting you so you can choose whether or not to continue communicating with them. I have not met men because this is something I will ask him before deciding to meet if he does not tell me without my asking. I won't share a man. Any man I date will have my full attention and I expect to have his. If I don't, there is no point in continuing with him.

Focusing on one at a time helps build trust, whereas multiple dating and the game playing that goes along with it does the opposite. I have been told my some men that they have to date many to find the one who is right for them, but that is a bunch of BS. If someone is right for you, you will know it even if the are the only one you have met.
I think those who multiple date want quantity verus quality and are afraid of a commitment. I prefer quality and someone who is not afraid of a commitment if things should work out.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 64
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:25:32 AM
Focusing on one at a time helps build trust, whereas multiple dating and the game playing that goes along with it does the opposite. I have been told my some men that they have to date many to find the one who is right for I think those who multiple date want quantity verus quality and are afraid of a commitment. I prefer quality and someone who is not afraid of a commitment if things should work out.


Please don't generalize. Dating multiple people does NOT always mean that a person is playing games or is afraid of committment. Going out on 1-2 dates with someone does not equal an exclusive relationship. As I stated before, suppose I had went out with a woman a few times. The dates went very well and I became very interested in her. At that point, I would only date her.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 65
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Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:38:53 AM
Greetings:

This discussion / question is like comparing a cylinder choke shotgun to a sniper rifle: with the shotgun you count on the scatter of the ammo to hit the target while you use minimal aim unlike the sniper rifle which requires you to be extremely focused to hit your intended target.

The beauty of a site like PoF, and specifically the forum side, is it allows the user to employ either choice: focused or scatter shot. I like the way PoF incorporates the forum / chat room concept into its dating site. For those making use of the forums (or for those just lurking) one can scope out the field, in a manner of speaking, and sift through a lot of "noise" to find a "target" they would like to focus on. That is the attraction of a site like PoF for me: profiles and, particularly, forum posts allow me to create a more complete image in my mind of the folk who are open for meeting another. In fact, I find it hard to imagine reaching out to someone who hasn't had an extensive history posting in the forums: in my mind the initial first contact is the person I meet, anonymously and regularly, through the forums. If profile and posts concur and the woman is attractive (in mind, body, and spirit) I would reach out to her. Of course this goes both ways and she has the same options for screening me.

On the other hand, the thousands of forum-less profiles on this site allow a PoF dater to employ a shotgun approach: selecting and dating multiple people, concurrently or serially, to find Mr. or Ms. Right. Or not, some folk just want the excitement of something new, I suppose.

In actuality, PoF just effectively mimics real life. In my long forgotten past I was more of the sniper rifle person: I was able to know women individually as friends and acquaintances, was able to know the woman in intimate (not sexual) ways before ever allowing the distraction of "dating" to cloud who she was or who I was (am?). I met these women where I worshipped, where I received an education, where I worked, and where I played.

Blessings, and Easter Joy to all,
TK
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 66
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Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 9:15:14 AM
Yes, me. One at a time is all I can handle lol.
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 67
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 5:43:00 PM
I do and won't date a man who would date multiple women at the same time. In order to get to know someone, you need to spend time with them and communicate with them on a regular basis. If a man won't take the time to get to know me, he is not worth my time. I don't share a man. When I meet a man who I think has potential, he will get my full attention, and I expect to get his if he feels the same way. If he doesn't, then I expect him to honest and tell me and not string me along or disappear and leave me to guess why. That is just rude. It doesn't take long to determine if there is potential or not. Sometimes, that can happen in the first meeting. Every man who I felt had potential, I felt a connection with before even meeting. There has been no exception. If I don't feel that connection, then I don't meet a man. The first meeting can deepen that feeling of a connection if the man is who he says he is and is not different in person than online. If he is not the person he portrayed himself to be, then the feeling of a connection would most likely disappear very quickly.
 rheard
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 68
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:05:36 PM
Since getting back on the dating scene a few years back - I have been so confused by this. Thanks all - now I'm even more confused

When I grew up - there was a difference between meeting people and dating them. But I was recently told that continuing to meet other ladies after having emailed someone a few times online was a hallmark of the dreaded "PLAYA". I suppose that means I'm only supposed to talk to one lady at a time.

But then I met another one on here- spent a few months getting to know her (distance issues), met her in person and had a good first meet and greet. We set a second date which she cancelled and followed up with an e-mail explaining she had been seeing several of us and decided to go exclusive with another guy. Basically sorry about your luck - but no harm no foul because we haven't had sex yet! And then had the gall to suggest I stay in touch in case it didn't work out!

Yet another I met here many years back, actually went to a point where we agreed to be exclusive and were planning on making some major life changes to solve a distance problem when I made the mistake of showing up a day early at her place only to find that we were exclusive OK - but only on the days I was actually there!

And that doesn't even mention the many who I've met who remain active daily on the site even after we've met and sometimes decided to take things further than dating!

So no wonder I'm confused. I think I'll stick with what I was taught. Any woman who wants to force me to compete either knowingly or unknowingly simply isn't worth my time. And I won't ask any woman to put up with that crap outta me either. Once it gors offline and into the world, my profile gets hidden until I'm sure of what may come of it. And if something does come of it - why do I need a profile here anyway?
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 69
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 3:41:40 AM
rheard, I agree with what you said. It can be confusing. I would also hide my profile when dating someone and would expect him to do the same. If things worked out, mine would be deleted, and I would expect his to be too. No man would have to wonder if I was giving him my full attention. He would know that I am by my actions. If his actions say he is not doing the same, that is a red flag to me, and I would ask him about it. I would be able to tell by his response whether he is contacting others while seeing me or not. Body language and voice can give away a lot. :) If I find that he is seeing or contacting others, being active and contacting others on a dating site, I will end it. I have no time for those who play games. As far as contacting online, I think it is acceptable to contact more than one at a time, however, once you meet and start dating someone, that should stop. The person you are dating should receive your full attention.
 rheard
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 70
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:14:17 AM
Well Jas - I tend to agree with your approach - but as I said - I've literally been accused of being the worst playa on the site just for not taking down a profile while still in the online chat period of getting to know someone!

And the damndest thing is - I don't think any of those same people would go to the store and just pick up the first package of anything when shopping for dinner. We not only want the right ingredient - we usually want the ingredient we know works best for what we want to prepare! So we look around before choosing and almost always make that choice based on finding out about as many of the available choices as we can before choosing.

Seems to me that meeting someone with the possibilty of dating is the same thing. Unfortunately - too many on here confuse the sending of an e-mail or chatting online with having made a choice to date them exclusively!

Oh and BTW - Beware of relying on body language and voice as the best way to try to judge a situation. It's only useful when dealing with basically honest people. The real actors and actresses, both here and in the world, know how to project what they want you to see! You also have the answer to that though. Actions and time - they almost always uncover the azzholes!
 ripley65
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 71
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 12:03:09 PM

too many on here confuse the sending of an e-mail or chatting online with having made a choice to date them exclusively!


You are absolutely right! How can they say you are dating if you've never even met yet?? lolol

But once things have moved to offline, i am a one man woman only! I like to give my time and attention to one person and one person only and expect him to do the same. If he prefers to date multiple people, thats fine, but he'll have one less woman in his harem to deal with.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 72
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 12:27:07 PM
too many on here confuse the sending of an e-mail or chatting online with having made a choice to date them exclusively!


I think many people feel that going out on 1 date means that you are in an exclusive relationship with that person. For me, I would become exclusive if / when there is strong enough mutual interest for a potential serious LTR to develop. That often takes at least 2-3 dates to figure out. If a woman wants to stop dating me because I don't want to become exclusive after just 1 date. Then so be it. Chances are I wouldn't have been compatible with her anyways.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 73
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 12:48:01 PM

I think many people feel that going out on 1 date means that you are in an exclusive relationship with that person.

That is not quite the case. If I go out on one date and plan to go on a second, then the possibility of a long term relationship is there. It's only going to become a long term relationship if it's exclusive from the outset. In other words, she gets the choice to gamble on wasting a few dates or a month of her time dating me exclusively, accepting a relationship that will never be exclusive or passing altogether. That's the only way I can do it.
 celts123
Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 74
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/10/2009 2:18:38 PM

That is not quite the case.


What I stated may not exactly apply to you. But I think it does apply to some other people on this thread. In my case, this is mostly a hypothetical situation anyways. I don't think any woman has mentioned to me that she wanted to be exclusive after just 1 date.
 jasmina
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 75
Are there any people left that date one at a time?
Posted: 4/11/2009 5:41:20 AM
rheard, I agree with your analogy. When things are still only online, there is no commitment to one person, however, once things go offline and dating begins, contacting others online should stop the focus should be 100% on the person you are dating. It would not be fair to the person you are dating if you kept others on the side, even just online.

I don't consider chatting and e-mailing only to be a reason to take down a profile. There has to be more to it than that to make me take down my profile. I need to see that the other person really wants to get to know me and only me first. It takes more than just online chat and e-mail or phone calls to show me that. There has to be regular time spent in person first.

As far as body language and voice go, I have managed t o see through some people who thought they were pretty good actors. :) They didn't fool me. There are plenty of red flags to see if you pay attention and ask questions. Their response, or lack of one, says it all. They will eventually show their true colors, and it usually does not take very long for those true colors to appear if you are watching.
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