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 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 4
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Ouch, a truly serious question to which there is no easy answer.

On one hand, your past is none of a first time date's business; on the other hand, why waste your time on an idiot who would send you a video of someone's brains being blown out? It is better to know the type of "humor" that a person possesses early on. (There has been at least one occasion when I wish I had known!)

Perhaps the compromise is telling someone you are a survivor of an abusive marriage but not go into the details.
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 12
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 7:40:35 AM
I probably won't be able to say it much better than the previous posters.

To answer your questions...

A potential date does have the right to know if there is a possibility that your ex could pose a threat. That said, I would keep it brief and to the point. If you are comfortable enough to provide details (and yes, use your built in radar to help make that determination) with a date then do so. However, if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it. Only you can decide how much to disclose and when.

It's interesting that you post your question because last night I had a long talk with someone and he did ask me how much contact I have with my ex. I explained that the only contact I have with him relates to our daughter (school items, medical needs, etc.). He asked why the marriage ended and I explained he wasn't so nice (which is probably the most delicate way I could put it) and he's not allowed to travel to the state where I reside for at least another 2 years. He seemed to take it in stride and said sometimes that is for the best in certain situations.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 7:46:06 AM
OP - it is absolutely your personal private business and choice to tell anything about your past situation only if you feel you are ready to tell (if ever). It in effect doesn't concern anyone you're dating early on - and may never affect them at all honestly.

Someone who feels they should know this (or anything that doesn't have any affect of their life) might be considered a control freak to me.

The video you were sent by this guy is inexcusable. I am not a survivor of DV but that's still really offensive to me - and I would imagine most normal people would react the same way.

I'd cut someone loose who thought that was acceptable to send period, but as humor - it's a no brainer. It's kind of sick.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 22
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 8:53:17 AM
IF your ex poses a potential threat to you he very well could pose a threat to any potential suitor of yours. On that level I think the person has "right" to know. Beyond that and STDs I am more of a fan of letting a woman tell me what she wants to when she wants to.
 El_Mariachi
Joined: 4/21/2007
Msg: 25
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 9:34:58 AM

Does a potential date have a right to know about the details of the situation and at what point? and how much?


A potential date? Not really. Once you're already at the point where you both want to be together, then I suppose yes, but you could stave off any questions right from day one by offering up that you're out of a crap marriage and don't really want to discuss it much at first. As things progress, then you could open up a bit more.

It doesn't sound to me as though you've completely dealt with it, I mean it still upsets you and probably always will and that's pretty normal, I think. More fair to say that you're dealing with it well.. obviously, if you're even considering getting into another relationship in the near future and that's a good sign. I can't even begin to imagine being treated like that and not having serious nerves about getting involved with someone again.

It's YOUR past and your call. You will be asked, you already know this. You certainly have the right to not share the entire story from day one, but you should sort of warn a potential somehow, even if you choose not to use a lot of detail.
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 30
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 2:47:11 PM
I believe you do not have to give men whom you date a full disclosure. General descriptions are fine but I also would present them in a soft way. I do not think this guy with a video did it on purpose. It could be a guy who would invite you to a nice restaurant on 22 floor and you afraid hights. I would say in exclusive commited relationship you can tell him what things trigger you.
 Mr Bain
Joined: 12/6/2004
Msg: 33
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 5:56:20 PM
No one who dates someone else has a right to really know anything.

They have to find these things out for themselves.

There is no discovery process. This is not litigation.
 lateef7842
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 34
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:40:09 PM
First and foremost, let me give you your "props" for having the strength and wherewithal to escape the situation. Many women stay and continue to be abused. Not only do you deserve kudos for your courage, but you also deserve to find someone who will treat you with respect and love.

As to your original question; from a man's point of view if your ex is still a threat, meaning he keeps popping up, violating the protection order and generally making his presence known, then you should not date until you get this problem resolved. In today's world, people do crazy things. Especially for love.

However, if he hasn't shown his face and has not bothered you for a couple of years, then not only should you go out and date, but you are under no obligation to share that history with anyone you are not serious about. If someone asks about your child's father, a simple, "He's not in our lives anymore ..." should suffice for the first few dates. If he presses you for more, tell him the two of you will learn more about eachother in time. Explain it like that and your date should get the hint. You're not being rude. But, you are letting him know he has to respect your space.

And, if presses you beyond that, the word "next" comes to mind. ...lol

Lateef
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 37
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 8:52:46 PM
WEll, you do have to tell them sometime.

How do I delicately put this...?
There are those who would welcome a true split divorce rather than have the EX lurk around. Because there are guys who think like me that if we were to go out with you, we would love nothing else but to be involved in your family as well.
And for some guys, being "mom's boyfriend" doesn't cut it for them. There are some who are happy to be just the boyfriend, but there are those who do look forward to parenting duties. To them, having the EX around removes them from any active and meaningful involvement -- you become a strange, tangential "uncle" at best.
That leaves a guy who wants to be a father figure in limbo.

Well, I wish you well in your search. I believe there will be guys who would love to be part of your family life.

 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 38
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 8:58:33 PM
Any serious future relationship will need to be alert to his being stalked or otherwise messed with.... you need to possibly think thru adding a serious potential relationship to the protective umbrella u have constructed..... ie protective order, restraining order, peace bond against your ex ....
Good Luck and Peace to U
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 41
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/4/2009 9:42:27 PM
Your best defense to deflect a casual conversation about the topic from going too deep or too far... is that you have already thought out a game plan for the new person in your life should that become a serious relationship.... nuff said
 cpl_dvldog
Joined: 12/25/2008
Msg: 50
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/6/2009 9:32:47 AM
I feel it is a pretty legitimate question as to how you get along with your ex and how big of a part the dad plays in the kids lives. The issue of child support and such is a bit over the top.

I like to know how long someone has been divorce... it usually gives an idea if there are any residual feelings for the ex or is there going to be a lot of tension everytime the ex shows up to pick-up or drop off the kids. I also like to know if dad is still in the picture or if mom will have to locate a babysitter every time we go out.

I don't think I have ever asked a woman why she is divorced. I figure when she is comfortable enough with me she will tell me. On the other hand if she tells me it was due to infidelity on his part I usually have a small bit of doubt in my mind at first. this is because in over 11 years of dating I have NEVER met a woman that was divorced because her husband caught her cheating. The men are cheating with someone.

But men and women need to consider if the answer to any question is any of their business before asking it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:12:14 PM
Bottom line for BOTH sexes is this:

Unless/until it is something that threatens someone's safety or will get in the way of a potential relationship (which early on isn't something you know yet), it's not information that's needed. Something that someone feels it's no big deal to answer should also realize if it's no big deal, why ask?

If an ex or past situation isn't a threat to a new guy or in the picture to the extent that it will affect your dating, it's not a requirement to disclose the information. What you did before you met a new person isn't relevant to the here and now.

Same with a guy, unless or until a woman will personally be affected by something that happened in your past if she gets involved with you, you aren't required to tell her anything you don't want to tell her - and a lot of times she really doesn't want to know (that's for all you men who volunteer too much info, btw).

Dating someone doesn't mean you have to tell them everything you ever did in your life, especially early on - unless it's going to somehow cross your personal path.
 LuvU4Now
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 56
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:20:58 PM
I wouldn't tell a freaking sole about your past until your realtionship is solid as a rock. I would either be gone in a nano second because of the baggage or I would stay around if I was the type that enjoyed crapping on women. BTW I am not the latter. If you want to talk about your experience join a support group. It is so unfair to unload that on a dude you have not known for long.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 57
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:34:18 PM

Usually, somewhere in the introductory stage or when first dating, I will be asked about how active the father is in my children’s lives: does he see them; does he pay support; etc. and they also ask about my relationship to my ex: do we get along??

In introductory stage, with a "potential date" or even the first date, you can answer that whole query with one word.
"NO."
If things progress towards something of a "relationship" nature, then of course you need to be more forthcoming.

I know other posters mentioned it, though I did not get a sense from the OT that the ex is a danger to potential dates,then you might need to point that out. IF that possibility exists, but again that's a judgement call on your part.
Cindy O
 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 64
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/12/2009 8:15:53 PM
op, its in the timing. I think your figuring it out. tell him a little at a time, your comfort level.
I always want to know everything, but cant ask it all at once.
eventually I think both should know everything, but not right away.
scare him away sooner than later, if your talking partner, if friendship, different rules I guess.
 SamuraiPixie
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 65
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/12/2009 8:16:49 PM
OP, first of all, I applaud you for what you are doing as a single mother in today's socioeconomic climate - girlfriend, you freakin' rock...

As for how much, exactly what details, and when in a relationship you choose to share the intimate, not so pretty details of your situation with your ex is entirely subjective and up to your own discretion, the particular situation and where the relationship with someone is going. Someone who is merely a coffee date, who you are not entirely sure you'll ever see again, does not really merit any kind of in depth explanation beyond the vague and general, however, if this particular someone is someone you have an interest in, plan on introducing to your girls at some point, and plan on developing a relationship with, then something other than the vague and general is in order. Major specificity can come later in the game, but it's definitely a topic that needs to be fleshed out for everyone's sake and comfort, just not all at once, initially and within the first five minutes you know someone. However, and this is considering that all things are equal, if you are dealing with an ex who is completely unhinged, and batchit then, that's kind of a topic you need to address, delicately a little earlier in the relationship, just for everyone's safety and peace of mind.

Suz aka Sami
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 66
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Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/12/2009 9:16:53 PM
msg1 -- No they have no right to know every details about you and your ex.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 67
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/13/2009 8:25:10 AM
it bothers me when men ask me about my children's fathers........do they pay child support..........how do i pay my bills...........do they visit.................
WHAT THE PHUCK?????? ARE THEY GOING TO PAY MY BILLS, MY KIDS, SUPPORT MY FAMILY, LOVE MY KIDS, BE DEPENDABLE, STICK AROUND???????

OR ARE THEY JUST TO PHUCKING NOSEY ??????????
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 68
Does someone considering dating me have a right to know??
Posted: 4/13/2009 1:57:31 PM

Does a potential date have a right to know about the details of the situation and at what point? and how much?


No, I don't think a "potential date" has the right to know the details. I do believe, however, that after a few dates where it's found that a serious friendship, if nothing else, is developing, sure, the person should be allowed at least some details of your past, likely because you're still living with some of the fallout and repercussions caused by it. After living a tumultuous life, there will be instances which may cause you to react or even over-react in certain ways and it would be helpful for the person you're in a new relationship with to know certain things in order to, at the very least, understand your beliefs and behaviours caused by the negative past.
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