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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > "You don't choose who you fall in love with". True?      Home login  
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 thermal2
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 1
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"You don't choose who you fall in love with". True? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I recently heard someone say "You don't choose who you fall in love with". I must admit it gave me pause.

What do you think: does the above quote/philosophy have merit?


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 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 2
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 12:32:19 AM
You pick your friends, you pick your nose. You do NOT pick your family, the best you can do is pick the add-on to your family. That said .....

You may choose the candidate for love, but that doesn't mean you pick who you love. It's a rare, hard to write down equation, but love is individual, just like the person feeling it. The men I have loved in any compacity are not the men I would have consen to love. Alsas how fickleis the human heart?
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 3
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 8:16:19 AM
You chose who you date, so in a sense you choose who you fall in love with. Whether or not you expect to is different.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 4
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 10:04:51 AM
You are who you are, a combination of the chemicals in your brain you were born with, and the behavior you were taught.

You can choose to become that person, explore what its like to be that person....or you can choose to spend your life trying to be something else, and of course never reaching that unnatural state.

What/who you find attractive...tends to be based on this decision. Do you wish to spend your spare time around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable around yourself? Do you want to be around someone who has characteristics you wish you had, and hope that if you hang around long enough, they'll somehow move onto you?
Do you believe you can give yourself what you need in life, or do you want to be lazy and let someone else give it to you? Do you think the latter is even possible?

From these answers, you'll find how you choose what you find to be attractive. Now, is this a conscious choice, or an unconscious one, or is it just a matter of limiting yourself to a few choices, and you end up settling?
 Pitch Blease
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 5
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 11:42:16 AM
I agree with the you don't choose who you fall in love with. In fact, him or her chooses you. You don't date who you like, you date who likes you. Majority of the time, it is the men who do the pursuing. They choose the woman, not vice versa. Most men go after what they want, women do not. So most women date who like them, then it will either grow or die depending on her feelings.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 6
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 1:03:08 PM
You may not be able to choose who you WILL fall in love with, but you can decide who you WILL NOT.

By the way, there are many of us that have been hurt hard enough, or long enough, or to often, that we have shut that side down deep within our bodies, and no matter what we do, love is just not one of them.

Just my opinion.......
 kinski02
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 7
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 1:43:25 PM
it's as true as true can be! it's attraction....and then that deeper connection. It happens.
although... now you bring it up...all depends on how conscious you are as a person I guess.
but...the term "fall in love' in its common use doesn't exactly create an image of choice right?
 jonas63
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 8
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 5:33:19 PM
You choose who you love

You don't choose who you feel attraction. (commonly referred as falling in love)
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 9
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 9:25:20 PM
I'd say that is absolutely true. I'm actually in love with a woman right now, but it is just not meant to be between us. She and I are very close friends and talk to each other all the time, but the chances of us ever being together are virtually zero.

I sure as heck didn't "choose" to fall in love with her. My life would be so much easier if I didn't.
 dmyc
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 10
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/5/2009 10:51:48 PM
I believe you can not chose who you fall in love with.

Fell in love with a girl who has been nothing but trouble. If I had a choice I would not chose to love her. In fact I think I still care, yet at the same time I hate her so much.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 11
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 7:06:24 AM

No, the above philosophy doesn't have merit.

You, not being me, have absolutely no clue what my feelings and life experiences have been, so perhaps you should consider not being so cavalier about dismissing others' philosophies out-of-hand.
 dmyc
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 12
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:55:39 PM
I think you have it a bit backwards. The way I see it is that it is very hard to fall in love with a person, but many people fall in love with aspect they like of that person. I think it is unfair to do that.

In marriage you love them through the bad and the good. You can't just filter out the bad.

If you love someone just because they make your life easier then that is selfish. Falling in love with someone as a person, meaning you accept their faults as well. It is a very hard and rare thing to find that in a releationship.

Yes you can chose not to follow your heart and not love them. That is something we can control, but some of us just can't live with that. And if that is our fault so be it. I take total responsibility for my actions and my feelings.
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 13
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:26:06 PM
It's somewhat frightening to learn so many grown adults claim to have no control over their emotions. You don't choose what you feel? You don't choose how you feel?
Is "love" the only emotion you can't control, or do you have a handle on things like anger, sadness, joy?
 LuvU4Now
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 14
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:29:01 PM
You have absolutely no choice in who you fall in love with. It just happens. Although it might not be as random as it sounds. For those that are into codes, patterns and statistics you might say it was preordained. I prefer Fate and Destiny. Having said that you do have choices and that doesn't excuse you from bad decision making.
 dmyc
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 15
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:56:37 PM
People believe they can control their emotions. You can not. You can only try to supress it. And eventually we will have a bottle effect where every comes right back out
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 16
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:45:47 PM

Some of you people are living in a dream world...it's not surprising that there are so many divorces and abusive relationships, if you really believe that you "have absolutely no choice in who you fall in love with."

you seem to be confusing "falling in love" with "pursuing a relationship." Just because my feelings are not a matter of choice doesn't mean I'm a slave to them. I can't choose what i feel but I can choose how I respond to it.

If I go out in cold weather, I can't choose not to feel cold, but I can choose to come inside, put on a warm jacket, or stay outside and freeze to death.
 dmyc
Joined: 1/19/2009
Msg: 17
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/6/2009 10:01:16 PM
Pirate John speaks the truth
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 18
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:05:52 AM

We are free beings. We make our own decisions.

As mentioned in an above post -- go outside in sub-zero weather and "choose" not to be cold.

You can't. It's simply not reasonable. The only thing you can do is choose what to do about your feelings. Those are choices we can make.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 19
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You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/10/2009 10:21:10 AM

Exactly, John. You do control your behavior, but some people like to use "you can't help who you fall in love with" to excuse their dumb choices and behaviors.

I completely agree. I have made a lot of dumb choices in my life, but I don't blame anybody but myself for them. I don't regret them, though, since I learned tremendously from them.

But I don't believe I could ever have changed who I fell in love with.


I still say I can and have controlled who I have NOT fallen in love with, (I choose NOT to love a drug addicted convicted felon, for instance) so why can't you choose who do do fall in love with?

Because my feelings exist regardless of my ability to choose. If I should ever end up finding myself, for some reason, falling in love with a drug-addicted felon, as you say, then there's nothing that says I have to act on it.

In fact, right now I am very much in love with a woman that -- long story short -- I cannot have. I could, as I might have done in the past, try to pursue her, but I choose not to. I value her very much as a friend, and she knows my feelings toward her, but I choose to treat her as a friend instead of pushing for more.

If I was not in love with her, my life would be orders of magnitude easier than it is now, but I am unable to switch my feelings off like a light switch.


Do you really think you could fall in love with a stripper who prostitutes on the side to support her crack habit and pay for her herpes treatments, and you'd have no control over that?

Chances are I'd never want to get close enough to her to find out in the first place -- after all, falling in love usually entails forming some sort of emotional connection first, n'est-ce pas? Awfully hard to form that connection with someone who repulses you.

But that notwithstanding -- your point, of course, being is it possible to fall in love with someone that you know, consciously, is completely wrong for you, and I have to say that sort of thing happens all the time. Maturity, however, means understanding that you're not a slave to your feelings.


You can't compare feeling cold when it's freezing outside ( a physical reaction) to falling in love, which is emotional.

Sure I can. Emotions and physical sensations are nothing more than chemical and electrical reactions occurring in your brain in response to a stimulus. As sophisticated as our minds are, they're still just obeying the laws of chemistry and physics in the end.

But it only takes a modicum of intelligence to realize that if a stimulus is likely to cause an undesirable response, then it is a good idea to remove the stimulus. That means coming in from the cold or staying away from someone who is wrong for me before I find myself falling for her.
 beautifuldancer400
Joined: 6/12/2007
Msg: 20
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/10/2009 6:39:43 PM
You might be able to choose who you date but sometimes you don't get to choose who you come in contact with or who you will get to know. Once you choose to take things to the next level...dating or sex falling in love sometimes happens before you realise it's wrong.

I say this through experience. Would I do things differently...no way!
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/13/2009 9:37:06 AM

Love requires energy. Consciously or unconsciously, you divert your energy into someone. This is a choice.


Exactly.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/13/2009 11:59:50 AM
You can choose who you associate with. You can choose what type of person you like, but in the end LOVE itself will be something that comes not out of choice but because it happens.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
You don't choose who you fall in love with. True?
Posted: 4/13/2009 9:08:35 PM
You don't choose who you're attracted to... but you can choose to do things, that over time, that lead to other things, that will end up altering your tastes.

When it comes to love -- you don't fall in love instantly (puppy love doesn't count). Like a gal said in a post earlier, you can choose who you may be a candidate with... and also, you may choose the better course of actions in which love can bud, grow, and blossom.

But love requires attraction initially -- and that is not a choice.


Love is not a feeling it is a decision that we make when we really like someone and choose to be with that person for the rest of our life

WTF? Love is not a feeling, but a decision? lol

So someone, out of sheer spite make a decision to be with them the rest of their life ... and because they made that choice they DO love them, whether they don't know their last name and met them 12 hours ago in Vegas or not, huh? lol
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > "You don't choose who you fall in love with". True?