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 AUTHOR
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 3
Time To Move On??Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Why not ask a professional marriage-family therapist these questions?
You probably neglected to get pre-marital counseling. Go get it now before you make any decisions.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 4
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:27:03 PM
So, you believe marriage is forever but have refrained from becoming sexually involved with someone for two months. You can't stand each other and have lost the spark but you still love him with all your heart. he doesn't want to work on the marriage.

So outside having no clue what you want, he doesn't want to work on the marriage but that will somehow change in the next six months? Do you think you could not have sex for six months?

Give people information on why you can't stand each other, how the spark has died, how or why you love him with all your heart and what exactly you tried to do to make the marriage work and someone can actually give you advice.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 6
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:41:34 PM

So it's been about 2 months since i have moved out and been seperated from my husband


So the question remains... should i just cut my losses and get on with my life? or stick around and see what happens


Ummm..you didnt stick around, you moved out two months ago! REMEMBER??
If he leaves in a couple weeks to do his tour then it will be easier for you to get on with your life without him!
You arent happy! You are missing your family! so go back to them and give this guy time to move on withhis life as well!


how long is too long to wait?


Wait for what? You have moved out and seperated from him!! Move on!!
 LuvU4Now
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 13
Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:15:27 PM
You need to get some counseling - one on one and couples. You are crazy to listen to any other advice.
 pricelessgem
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 16
Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 2:26:31 PM
My husband and I had premarital counseling and despite the minor disagreements we came across, it was as if we were destined for eachother. Now less than a year later I still love him but want out of the marriage. He never sees what he does wrong and has an excuse for everything. sometimes am hurting so bad I just wish I was dead, so the pain would go away. sad enough when we're not mad at eachother; I feel so blessed but the emotional up and down is weighing me down.
 Eenk
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 19
Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:32:13 PM
If you can't stand each other, you are clearly not in love and clearly not 'soulmates'. At least you can take consolation that in this country under our ridiculous laws you can total wreck this guys life financially if you decide to. Grow a pair and move on.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 3:53:16 PM
Please reread this thread. You never tried to make the marriage work. When you moved you were pouting about moving away from your family and friends and rather than getting out and making new friends you made him feel like crap and he retaliated.

You can either make your marriage work, grow up and deal with the choice you made when you married him or go home and end the marriage. He certainly does not need to be in a war zone with this b.s. going on so talk to him. If he wants to stay married, do some work with a counselor on yourself while he is gone. If it seems like it makes sense for both of you, go back home until he returns from the deployment and then realize that you are a military wife and you have to suck it up and make a life for yourself anywhere that he is stationed.

I have a friend whose son went through this and it was ridiculous, they were close enough to come home every weekend and that should have been enough but she really didn't want to leave home. Now she lives here, they remarried, and she has exactly what she wants apparently, a weekend husband. If you stay married to him, you need to realize that he is now your family and your priority. Maintaining ties with family and friends is fine but you made a decision that was supposed to be for the rest of your life to put your partner equally or before you. Have you done that?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:25:40 PM
If you were responding to me, I was not implying that you should drive 19 hours, just giving you another example of someone who married someone she knew was in the military and did not attempt to make adjustments to the lifestyle. I am 44, I drive from my home to Chicago straight through once a year, 17 hours for most people.

Whether you gave freely at the time, you now view yourself as making many sacrifices while he made few or none. You actually articulated what he did and did not do and can then look at how much positive or negative he brought to the table versus the way you behaved. Of the things that are probems, how many can realistically change?

We post based on what you write. Your original post depicted a whiny individual who made a decision without apparently thinking about what she was getting into. What do you need your husband for? Young men sometimes have fairly fragile egos. You paid for the wedding, trips home, etc. is it possible that he doesn't believe you need him for anything? Just a thought. Sometimes it helps to write down the positives and negatives about both of you and the relationship. No one here can figure out whether you can or if there is anything to work out. Sometimes walking away is the answer, sometimes sticking it out.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 28
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/6/2009 8:59:47 PM
Op: Listen to packagedeal.. and.. Kimbo they've given you some great advice. As for this
You are still married & have no right to start up something with someone new when you haven't even dealt with the old.
Although I agree that a two month separation is too soon for Op to be looking to date , afterall, she's still in love with her husband and hasn't come to terms with things or learned lessons from the marriage breakdown ~ but to tell someone they have "no right" .. well that's one of the reason's her estranged husband will be away for six months.. To ensure freedoms .. Geesh!

Until you are happy alone and by yourself, you can't be a good mate.
Wise words also.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 32
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/7/2009 12:57:44 PM
I think you should move on. You have a pile of resentment and are not willing to have it work.

I also think, for whatever it's worth, that you need to do some self-reflection on your part of what went wrong. Forget about his part, that's his to deal with. Focus on your stuff, because that is what is going to bite you in the butt in your next relationships, or again with him if you guys tried to make it work in 6 months.

Here's some of what I see in your stuff:

i was the one who always tried to work on things and have a resolution to the problem,

^^ You say this and yet ALSO were always threatening to leave, or sleeping on the couch. This power play behaviour, coupled with your highly defensive reactions on this thread, suggests being with you is a bit of a roller coaster. You say you are trying to work on things but at the same time attack and threaten... which pushes people away.
 HVACtech
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 33
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Time To Move On??
Posted: 4/7/2009 9:54:41 PM
Poster #10 is right. In fairness to everyone, finalize a divorce before working on dating. I don't know how your state's divorce laws work (namely, no-fault or not), but sometimes the simplest of intentions can be contorted into a huge mess during proceedings.

Be it one year or 100, sometimes things just don't go according to initial plans. Once the wheels start coming off a marriage (or any relationship), the odds are stacked against it ever working. You couldn't stand each other anymore, but you still love him with all your heart. Think about that a minute, Shanny. Did the "couldn't stand each other" part just happen one sunny afternoon or is it the end-product of multiple issues/feelings?

In theory, marriage is supposed to be forever. But it's also the leading cause of divorce. A bad marriage is usually more emotionally destructive than getting out of it. But ultimately, only you can decide what's right and what's not for you. The only advice I can offer is the same I've given my daughter: Don't be afraid to have the confidence to have confidence in yourself.
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