Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 266
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?Page 11 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
The 'easy' reason I'm still single is because in the 4-5 years I've been single, only a handful of men (either OLD or IRL) have tripped my trigger that I was enthusiastic to meet them.

The more difficult reason I'm still single is because the last 'great love of my life' left to become a non-cloistered monk and it has taken some years to get over the hurt. While I understand, intellectually, why he felt the need to follow that path, it has tweaked a number of my own insecurities. I lost faith in my 'picker' that I could fall in love with someone whose commitment is to solitary self-knowledge and sees a relationship as an anchor. How much did I miss because he was good at playing the boyfriend role? How much did I miss because I projected the fantasy boyfriend onto him? Why did I hold onto hope even after his path was clear? [None of the above is intended to blame him or divert responsibility from myself. Any words that could be interpreted as such is merely poor writing skills.]

Working through these questions helps me rebuild some confidence in my picker. It has helped me see a thread through my choices and also to work out some of my personal issues before attempting another relationship. On one hand I would like to share my life with someone and think I have a lot to offer, on the other hand it's been so long now that I'm getting comfortable not having to coordinate with an SO, on the other hand (yes! 3 hands!) I recognize that as a fat, tall, 54-yr old woman I have little 'market value' left. I look around at other single women in their 60s+ and try to comprehend and accommodate to what life will be like.

For now I accept being single because it is as it is. But it is not what I want for my future.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 267
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 9:54:48 AM
^^Cynthia,

first of all, I'm really sorry for your loss to the faith of your guy. At least you know you had fallen for someone introspective, deep, with faith and a thirst for knowledge... all of those are good things. Next time just add also that they like interpersonal knowledge, not just intrapersonal :)

As for you saying you have little market value left... I strongly disagree. You are beautiful, interesting, funny, have awesome glasses (and three hands!) and seriously, don't mistake "online" supposed value for actual dating value.

You will come across plenty who will see you for the interesting, deep, kind funny pretty woman that you are. Don't let anyone tell you that you will be invisible.

You aren't. And don't write your future now (though if you ARE single in your 60s... i know many women who have incredible lives who are single in their 60s so it is not necessarily a bad hting; and they do date while being single.

It can all be good; just don't let an online community or dating coaches tell you your days have passed you by. It's not true. Be happy and rock being single; but don't giv eup on the fact it's not who you are; it's just something you happen to be.

Own it; but strut your stuff dangit. You got a ton to offer.
 sailinges
Joined: 11/21/2015
Msg: 268
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 10:40:48 AM
Ms. Cynthia, you certainly have lots more going for you than most women your age, including intellect, education but mainly common sense. I have never seen you come on here and whine or be offensive or call people names.

As for the picker . . . that is not something anybody has control over. Either you make a rational decision to choose the person whom you believe will be the best provider, who will keep you secure, who will give you status, or you choose the person whom you truly are in love with. Apparently, you chose the person you were in love with. Who you love is not something you choose. Your heart chooses that for you. Whom you decide to have a relationship is of course a choice.

In the end, choosing the person you love is the much better bet because that is the best way to ensure your own future happiness. But things happen that can never be predicted. You can't blame yourself for that.

The future is an unknown. Quality women always have the opportunity of meeting somebody special. I'm pretty sure I can pick many of the women on this site from their posting history about who has the best opportunity for love vs. those who will likely be alone most of their lives. I would not be surprised in the least if you find what you want.

In the meanwhile, take a walk through the woods, or if in Florida . . . through alligator alley. It will help clear your mind.
 kj521
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 269
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 11:04:11 AM
Ms. Cynthia....

Your "market value" cannot be quantified....the beauty of your soul that shines through your posts....is simply immeasurable. :)


Very wise and insightful words from the lovely Ms. Moonbeam and my favorite alligator hunter, Mr. Sailinges.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 270
view profile
History
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 2:47:57 PM
I think I have some kind of idea about women who become nuns, join the convent, etc. This from my extensive reading of fiction, thus could be quite unrealistic, but I at least think I have some familiarity. And of course a few classic movies, “Heaven Knows, Mr Allison” being the first to come to mind.

But a man leaving a woman behind to become a monk? I’m sitting here scratching my head, and cannot recall a single instance of that, fictional or otherwise. Very strange. I’m sure it happens, but either no one writes about it, or I just never read the books.

My sympathies, I think that would really suck. Really, really suck. Especially for me, being anti-religious and all.
 mike11092
Joined: 11/2/2015
Msg: 271
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 2:50:44 PM

So if he wasn't saying that I apologise for misunderstanding you mike



lol...it's an either/or situation.

That's why I left it up in the air...

Thanks for the apology, unnecessary as it may be, humility is not a virtue most forumites display.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 272
i'll skip the "suthun gent'men and their pickers" jokes
Posted: 12/5/2015 7:47:54 PM
well, men allegedly joined the French Foreign Legion to get over a woman. I suppose i'd rather lose a lover to God than to some badboy jerk-off. but, then, losing is still losing. my second gf lied to her own self about what she wanted, so she was a hard read and I got caught off guard, too. decades later, I can look back and chalk it all up to a "learning experience". hopefully, cyn, you will be able to as well. or I could say life is worth the gamble. better to loved and lost than never known love at all. or maybe there's another platitude that would work.

I figure tho, the better we can stand on our two feet, the less clinginess we offer to another person. A self-contained unit might be more appealing, right? but like NJ said in another post, even misspellings can be overlooked when the photo looks nice. Or to put it into Christmas terms, gifts are identified from other objects by their shiny wrapping.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 273
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/5/2015 11:04:22 PM
My post was not a solicitation but I thank y'all for your kind words. Much appreciated.

ohenry - my sister's husband's first wife left him to become a cloistered nun of the religious type. My ex-SO is more like a buddhist monk - no prayers to a bearded sky daddy
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 274
view profile
History
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 9:29:19 AM
Some days, I think that I’m still single because I’m having so much damn fun!

Last night was the annual Christmas Party with my main Meetup group. 82 people, many, many attractive women. We rented a big hall, hired a live band, the ladies brought food and we had a feast. Everyone dressed up, looking good, dancing the night away. It doesn’t get much better than that!
 cookymaker
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 275
view profile
History
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 10:02:03 AM
Sounds like you had a wonderful time, Ohenry. Dancing the night away, feasting on food surely made with love...
You are right. It doesn't get much better than that.

One of the best times I ever had was at a country dance. My dance partners ranged from little old men to 18 yr old boys. Barely sat down long enough to catch my breath.
So keep on dancing -
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

I would rather be single surrounded by friends and family who care than trapped in a marriage smothered in loneliness
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 276
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 10:07:00 AM
My favorite Christmas was when I took a train from NYC up to Montreal by myself. Somehow I combined rolling in snow, pub hopping, a trip to the planetarium and the midnight Mass at Marie la Reine Cathedral. I can both read music and read French so I was singing those carols! Also I saw a little skating rink by the river which was packed from young to old and carols were playing... Huge fathers teaching little kids to skate.... I started crying... And met a man who didn't speak a word of English, only French.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 277
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 11:46:35 AM

I recognize that as a fat, tall, 54-yr old woman I have little 'market value' left. I look around at other single women in their 60s+ and try to comprehend and accommodate to what life will be like.

For now I accept being single because it is as it is. But it is not what I want for my future.


CynthiaSM---this is not about you in particular,but your words struck a chord.

Recognize that at 54, with luck, in six years you'll be sixty---no matter if you have an SO or not. Best to use this time, as it is a big chunk of the remaining time a person of 54 has left in the world, to really figure out what it is that makes you happy. Regardless of your relationship status, you will still be you.

Dream, plan, go forward with how you want your life to be in your next decade and beyond. At 54, most folks know themselves pretty well, and are savvy enough to avoid the 'shoulds' that other people put on them, and instead start to focus on what works for them in particular.

Being a sixty + woman may sound daunting to you right now, but trust me, a lot of things that seem important to you right now, just sort of drop off the radar, no big deal anymore<
 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 278
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 1:54:22 PM
Cynthia.
Your post resonates with me.
I am 56, and realised over the last few days that I have been divorced for over 10 years and it has been 5 years since I had a 'boyfriend' and nearly a year since sex. Those are scary numbers and even scarier the number of disaster 'dates'.

I will be 60 before you.
It is all only numbers.

I am trying desperately to come to grips with being single forever.
Never again feeling a lovers kiss or wake up wrapped in a lovers arms.
These are not nice realities.

But the alternatives can be worse.
I could be waking up to the men from the 'disaster dates'.

Like many women on here, I am self sufficient in just about anything but gee it would be nice to have a man in my life.
My singledom is not by choice.

Your picker is not as bad as a friend of mine.
She exudes glamour, beauty, laughter and goodness.
Used to be an airline hostie when beauty was a requirement.

Her husband and father of her children tried to kill her with an axe.
Was stopped by a burly exchange student who was staying.
Turned out he had undiagnosed mental issues.

Met and was dating another man who also became violent.
She left him.

She remarried a few years later to what she thought was a lovely man.
After the honeymoon he changed.
Became super controlling.
She suspected mental illness again so spoke with his family.
They said, yes he has xxxxxxxxxxxxx and has become violent in the past.
When she asked them why they did not tell her this before the wedding, they said they thought she would not marry him if she knew.

She is now divorced, over 60, single and does not trust her picker at all.

She has chosen poorly 3 times.

And noone else could have suspected as all 3 of these men were very charming and seemed to treat her well.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 279
view profile
History
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 2:21:12 PM
I don't believe in the concept of a "picker," I think the process of extra marital affairs, serial monogamy, and marital relationships are all too dynamic, and too dependant on factors that cannot be fully qualified or quantified (ever) due to the nature of life.

What is certain is that people grow together, and people grow apart, people's values change, and stress changes people. Human life is infinitely complex both in society and social nature.

The only common denominator of relationship failure over the course of our lives is us. That's not to say that we are fully responsible for the outcome. What we are responsible for is acknowledging the mistakes we made, and then adjusting so that we dont make them again.

I know the secrets, but im sorry to say we're all out of class time.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 280
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 2:46:14 PM

I don't believe in the concept of a "picker," I think the process of extra marital affairs, serial monogamy, and marital relationships are all too dynamic, and too dependant on factors that cannot be fully qualified or quantified (ever) due to the nature of life.

What is certain is that people grow together, and people grow apart, people's values change, and stress changes people. Human life is infinitely complex both in society and social nature.

I know the secrets, but im sorry to say we're all out of class time.


unfortunately, "pickers" DO sometimes happen. Sometimes, people are used to a certain ndynamic and subconsciously are only comfortable with one, not understsanding what the underlying dynamic is... (someone controlling, someone disrespectful, someone invalidating)... subconsciously they believe that is what they deserve, so if someone treats them better than that, they somehow sabotage it.

not ALWAYS... Sometimes people can be incredibly charismatic, dynamic and wonderful, and then the mask comes off once the person is "won". Sometimes insecurity proceeds this, if they need to make sure they keep the person within their control, sometimes it's uber jealousy, sometimes a combination of both.

So sometimes the person changes... for the worse... after they get together with the other person.

castle's friend might have a combination of both. She did not "feel" the threat because whatever was behind it she had already ybeen exposed to, to the point that she did not recognize it... it was familiar. Or, possibly, the fact she was beautiful and accomplished drew jealousy from the men in her life; and they became more than they were (though someone trying to kill her with an axe is way past jealousy and to the point of psychotic).

So it might have been a combination of her picker (being comfortable with someone having an "edge" or they literally were able to not show this side of htemselves until she was in their life. And then they were so worired they would lose her they became jealous to the point of paranoia and violence.

I am not airline flight attendant but have had many people who have gone from incredibly respectful to incredibly controlling and jealous after a relationship... (never to the point of physical violence, but definitely to the point of emotional and psychological)... to where I am extremely careful moving it past the exclusive to the live in phase... I need to know how we are together where we have stay overs and regular time together before i'd even dream of doing a live in thing... because people can be on their best behavior until they are sure of you; then you see how their confidence level and their respect and ability to see you as yourself not as a reflection of them actually shows...

I hope castle's friend eventually gets herself squared away; she has to have ptsd after some of those experiences... (yikes) and she will have to learn if there IS anything in her that is drawing a dynamic that is damaging to her; and learn to love herself and bring to herself someone who can cherish, trust and validate her (and she them) without violence, control or any other unhealthy dynamic.


(castlee and cynthia, you both are gorgoues funny smart and have it together; DON'T look at your future as a big yawning chasm of loneliness, look at it as an exciting adventure to come... you will have it filled with a lot of amazing things and people; know that... and at some point one of those amazing people WILL be someone who you will float their boat (and they yours, with good connection both ways); but it won't matter; because it will be so full and vibrant outside of that that it will be gravy, not the whole meal. :))



VVVVV


you preach it Lady in Red!!!!
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 281
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 2:50:17 PM

Dream, plan, go forward with how you want your life to be in your next decade and beyond. At 54, most folks know themselves pretty well, and are savvy enough to avoid the 'shoulds' that other people put on them, and instead start to focus on what works for them in particular.

Being a sixty + woman may sound daunting to you right now, but trust me, a lot of things that seem important to you right now, just sort of drop off the radar, no big deal anymore<


I AM one of those 60ish women. Married twice, divorced twice. Last divorce in 1998. Spent the last 3.5 years of last marriage, with NO sex. First date after that divorce? 8 years later. Sex on the second date, Yeehaw!

I can say without a doubt, the things I troubled myself with a few years ago? Pfffft! Who cares!? My weight? My height? My "market value"?Pffft!!!!!

I have met and dated many over the last 9 years or so. The most important man? Loves me for my money, LMAOOOOOO!!!!!

"Dream, plan, go forward with how you want your life to be in your next decade and beyond. "
(LOL Thanks Carefreebeauty)
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 282
view profile
History
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 3:06:28 PM

castle's friend might have a combination of both. She did not "feel" the threat because whatever was behind it she had already ybeen exposed to, to the point that she did not recognize it.


So if the reality is obscured then how is there a concept of choice?

99% of relationships fail at some point, the rationale of failure as attributed to "broken picker" is conceptually flawed logic, and serves no practical purpose.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 283
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 5:27:53 PM
NJ, was that Amtrack's "Montrealer" train you took up? I still have the VCR taped movie from when my parents tried it.

Alas, sometimes our picker is...ourselves. We want someone who makes us feel comfortable. We might overlook some red flags as a result. Or we might share some of those RF. For example, we might be an opportunist with morals, who meets an opportunist who is a little squishy with morals. a former acquaintance of mine, raised in a physically abusive household, married an abuser in a time of financial stress (a Don Quixote habit of chasing bullies in workplaces and colleges had left him poor, likely trying to strike back at what his father used to be) b/c instead of seeing her abusive nature and running, felt he knew exactly how to deal with it. A friend of mine, after being burned many times by players, chased her last bf, who was pudgy and bald and not nearly the hot shot the others had been. still, as she used sex to get what she wanted, she found out he was just as much a player as the past 40 guys--and gave her two STDs as a result.

some will take that to be "blaming the victim". but, sometimes, we are the constant. and other times, we're just lucky.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 284
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 5:30:12 PM
The flaw is that people think they have a picker - like blaming something for your poor decisions is a getta of Jail free card.
If at some point you are failing at connecting with others
blame yourself
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 285
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 5:50:25 PM

NJ, was that Amtrack's "Montrealer" train you took up?

I believe the train was called Adirondack. It was an Amtrak rail getaway, a train ride there and back and two nights at a hotel.
 mike11092
Joined: 11/2/2015
Msg: 286
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 5:51:02 PM

If at some point you are failing at connecting with others
blame yourself


Completely agree.

People don't want to accept that maybe, just maybe, the problem is themselves, for whatever reasons.

The 1st world has been coddled and protected so much that the mentality is that there isn't anything wrong with anyone; that everyone is acceptable and special in their own way.

Plenty of people out there better than me, but yet I expect to be able to stand out against a crowd of betters.

The truth is that the world needs alcoholics; strippers and lonely cat ladies more so than it needs paired people.

And the thing is: it's okay to find happiness on your own. One's existence should not be validated by the relationships they're in, but our society tends to think that way.



In closing, I tip my glass of rum on the rocks to the strippers and lonely cat ladies of the world.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 287
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 6:30:18 PM
mike11092- Now, you said a mouthful right there.
I seem to worry about it less than other people do. (the fact I'm single)
My dad, bless his heart, asks me the SAME thing, every time we talk............
"So, you found any body interesting yet?"
No, dad, but the thing is, I'm not really looking that hard.
"Well why NOT, you are too young to give up."
I'm not giving up dad, I just haven't found the right one yet and besides, I'm happy with the way things are.
"You don't watch saying that, you'll be saying that when you are 80."
ok, thank you for that insight. :D
He knows, better than anyone (except me) how miserable I was the last few years of my marriage.
I've managed to find some happiness, some peace and it will stay that way until/unless I meet someone that I can except as is and who accepts me, as is.
These days, that's easier said than done.
So, for now, happy and single it is. :)
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 288
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 6:38:59 PM

The flaw is that people think they have a picker - like blaming something for your poor decisions is a getta of Jail free card.
If at some point you are failing at connecting with others
blame yourself

I must not understand what you mean because what do you think a "picker" is? I certainly don't think it is something outside myself, like an electronic radar detector that beeps and I must, Pavlovian-like, obey. It IS me, it IS the aggregation of my conscious and unconscious desires, beliefs, habits, family and cultural conditioning. While it may be reflexive that my 'picker' tells me 'oooh look at him! I want to touch that', some modicum of conscious assessment is also in that picker. In my case (not speaking for anyone else), my picker read 'independent' (i.e. not wanting to be joined at the hip or needy) but it should have read 'disassociative'.

And who are you even talking to or about? Hardly being used as a get out of jail free card - I thought I'd been clear in my post that it's exactly the opposite. I specifically said I did not blame him and was taking these years to work on whatever it is about my psyche that read 'committed' from someone unable to and uninterested in committing and even after he was gone kept hoping he'd change his mind.

But you are correct I fail to connect with others. I'm still working on that Vulcan mind meld thingie. I'm sure once I have it I'll be as perfect as you.

Peace out.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 289
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 7:18:51 PM
CynthiaSM- I was commenting on Mike's comment that it's ok to be happy by yourself.
I had to look back at the other comments to see who you were addressing.
I have to agree, with you.
If only it were as easy as some kind of bs detector, this whole adventure would certainly be easier.
Where are those cool glasses you had on?
I thought THOSE were a bs detector, I can not carry on, if at least ONE person on here doesn't have a bs detector, I'm doomed. :D
Seriously though...........Perfect, no, no one is.
We are all out here on this adventure together. I can't stand it when someone suggests we are a bunch of losers that just need to adjust our pickers, it seems like NO one would say that, because THEY are here, slogging away, trying to make the best of it, just as we ALL are.
There are times our pickers fail us, but the other person CAN be very good at deceiving others, even those with the best pickers get fooled, from time to time.
 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 290
How open are you REALLY to discuss why you're still single?
Posted: 12/6/2015 7:19:19 PM

The truth is that the world needs alcoholics; strippers and lonely cat ladies more so than it needs paired people.

^^ All the same person.
An alcoholic, lonely cat ladies who work as a stripper?

Is that as an exotic dance stripper or someone who restores furniture.

Now I could make use of a male stripper as long as he leaves his cats at home.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >