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 zabet
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 15
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
I want to come back to something Silken Fire raised above. Why is it that many women who have survived various forms of abuse become more compassionate while so many men who've been through traumas instead become ungenerous, incapable of connecting?

Or is it just the men she and I are meeting?
 Alabamamam
Joined: 4/8/2008
Msg: 17
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 4:26:45 PM
^^^^ I believe bad stuff may happen with both boys and girls but we need to admit that sexual molestation is primarily happens with girls. There are very few men in comparison with women who experienced a clear domestic abuse.
Yes, I am in relationship with a man who was through emotional trauma (first deployment).Yes, he had some visible difficulties after few days of homecoming. I knew his boys and some were in that posistion. Not all of them but most of them have overcomed it and changed for the better. But it is an example of a different nature.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 22
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 4:57:54 PM
OP, a lot of it is what Zenbeth mentioned. Can you imagine what kind of mess she might have been if her father had not had that talk with her and her other family members helped her to make sure that she wouldn't keep carrying this with her?

One of the reasons that so many adults are dealing with abuse issues, and it is both men and women, is that it was not just the one abusive person or incident.

OP, in your family, no one questioned whether your sister was telling the truth. I also assume that it was a stranger? Many people are abused by uncle Bob or their cousin Bill. They may never tell anyone or if they do, often they are not believed or made to believe it is their fault by people that do not want to deal with accepting that the abuser did what he/she did.

So, essentially, they have had this thing sitting inside of them. If they haven't had therapy or otherwise been able to work out how this made them feel, how the reactions of others made them feel, they may have a problem with it. How do they, for example, really enjoy sex if someone touching them in a sexual way even in a loving relationship causes a sort of flash back and they consequently cannot really enjoy sex because they feel degraded?

Someone touched your sister but some people that have had this type of trauma were actually sexually penetrated. I would imagine if that had happened to your sister, she would not have been out playing happily in a few hours later. Each situation is different and when it is not a stranger but someone that you trust that has molested you for years while your mother or others knew about it? Not so easy to just put away and yet many do, which is why things come up later when they are in relationships. If they are in good ones, they hopefully get therapy and are able to enjoy sex.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 23
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 5:58:04 PM
Maybe women choose to deal with this openly and realistically (are you denying that past abuse is a factor in a future relationship?), while men hide it behind anger and hurt and never verbalize anything and then die of a heart attack at 43.

I mean, since we're generalizing and stereotyping.
OH, and blaming.
Whining?
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 25
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 7:24:51 PM
I think the problem people have in believing these stories is that not EVERY person who is abused suffers relationship problems. Only some. And just as not all BPD people were abused, not all abusers develop BPD. It's a correlation, not a causation.

But that being said, if someone has identified a problem in his/her psychology, who are we to say s/he's wrong? Jeez, I've never been abused, and I still suck at relationships, so what's my excuse? I wish I could come up with a medical one, rather than looking in the mirror.

As with everything to do with humans, it's just not easy to find the answers.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 41
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 9:18:31 PM
Walk a mile in that person's shoes. Are you saying that the first 7 yrs of my life of being beat by my mother will "just go away"?

When someone you trust as a child can't be trusted, who can you trust? I turned out OK but I had to be rehabbed as a teen for violent behavior. Now I am doing well.

Oh, I love how people come to this country and they know it all and they think they are better than us. I still have some behaviors that I see are different than most. I have social anxiety. I tend to be a little afraid of people.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 46
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Women attributing their relationship problems to childhood abuse....
Posted: 4/12/2009 9:48:35 PM
I did let it effect me, and so my relationships with others, way too long. Lots of people have been abused as children, it's truly disgusting. But when you become an adult, you have choices, you aren't the sum total of your experiences (no matter how many people rattle that cliché off to you) you are what you want to be..within reason of course. I had no control as a child, but being a professional victim is a waste of time, why would I give my abusers so much power (to use another cliché) but really I didn't do anything wrong, some adults needed to be shot, so why do I think I need to ruin everyone else's life by banging my baggage around and having a big ole pity party? I got therapy, I put a few years into it and I worked hard, so now, baggage free (yes it is not only possible but also very satisfying) and I don't beat myself up or others because some asshats ruined my childhood. It's all a choice, you don't have to be damaged unless you want to accept that label.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 61
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/13/2009 1:00:51 AM
Let's not forget that the OP alluding to their being a support system for the child, which went into action as soon as the incident took place Unlike so many other families, that child had the security they needed to know that they had not done wrong and that mommy and daddy still loved her. Think. If parents behaved like that here, of much more likely it would have been than the child could have put the incident in the past. it's wasnt her fault. its a crime that we don't live that way in this countries. But, it's begun happening. Fewer and fewer place put jaded sort of "blame" on the abused child.

Let us say, that if not dealt with in childhood, these issue get brought in adulthood. ive seen many friends talk these things out in revealing deal, to friends. or better still to a therapist. In that safe environment that can, discuss the pain of the incident and acknowedge it and they began to heal they're will in do the work. you never can get rid of the memory, but you where to put the knowledge and what to do if tries to claim you. Instead you put it under your control

the problem are people who abuse themselves and their own victim, even after they know the cause of the pain. the use it as their justification for cruel actions and will out and out tell you so. they get pleasure in the drama of reenactment of their past history, and arrange to demonstrate situations where they're aboused. some use their problems as a built toward causes from drama, since they to re-live the intensity of the initial experience youth. but we all bring out past with us when we play the love game, but hopefully not in such a twisted way..

ideally your dealing won't lead you to someone who doesnt's see themselves as a loser, waiting to be used, to someone who plans revenge toward as person who just happens to be you, or plays games, between victim and abuser. once they investigate their abuse, for their soul's sake, they'll got to put the negatively out the floor and prepare for a healthy relationship, perhaps the first they've ever had.

i have female friends who been abused and I've been appalled by their stories

the postings by ammeria(?) are great. strong, accurate and humane.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 68
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/13/2009 9:31:35 AM

I just...I don't eve know how to respond to this thread.
No two people are the same. We don't all have the same strength, the same drive. Some people were broken before they ever had a chance to really live. When children are abused, they can usually protect themselves, protect their mental state, but it comes with a price. Some merely stop maturing. Some shut themselves off to feelings and emotions. Some lose themselves in fantasy and stop living in the real world. Some fight. Some flee. Some freeze.
Those coping mechanisms become a part of you, and you can't just turn them off when the abuse is no longer presentif you even notice their presence. My hope is that adults who still struggle with baggage from their childhood would recgonize it and seek help to let some of it go...
But it's much easier said than done.
But I know that the 15 years of abuse I lived through is going to show up and affect me every damn day of my life. Mostly in little ways that have simply become part of my personality...but I have my days.


Exactly! My sexual abuse began just as I hit puberty. First it was a much older cousin. Then he told a couple of his friends what he was doing and they tried to do the same. Then it was a friends father, then a neighbor. I never told anyone about it, not then, not when it was happening. I was too ashamed. I felt that I did something wrong or that there was something about me that caused them to do the things they did. I also felt shame in that there was sometimes pleasure. I wasn't old enough to understand it. No one had ever spoken to me about sexual molestation. It wasn't something that was discussed like it is now. I just buried everything. Hid it even from myself. It did affect my adult relationships in many small ways, ways that I didn't even realize. One day all of the emotional tramas that I had been burying in my mind both childhood and adult, just became too much. It all came rushing to the surface all at once. I tried to kill myself. That is when I finally got help. My coping mechanism was to just bury it, to pretend it didn't happen. When I finally was able to talk about it, it was like a flood gate had opened. Suddenly I was able to talk to my parents about it. They had no clue. I was very good at hiding my distress. I told friends, I told anyone that was close to me because that was part of the healing process for me. I stopped hiding it. I can now see that some of my past actions were influenced by the abuse, but I was not aware of it at the time. I do not however use it as an excuse for present actions.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 76
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Women attributing their relationship problems to childhood abuse....
Posted: 4/13/2009 1:55:40 PM
Really, some people do get over abuse, I know for those who live it as if it were their very life will not see that but yes, some people do not carry around the weight of having been abused as a child (or whenever). Someone abused me, it's not label, I don't have to be a victim forever, it's not how I decided to handle it. Yes, I did wear the label for years and yes it ruined my relationships and I damaged my own children because of it, and damn I wish to hell someone would have b***** slapped me years before so I wouldn't have shoved that baggage onto my children, but the fact is, it was always my choice. With so many people telling me it wasn't my fault (and of course the actual abuse wasn't my fault) that it was normal for me to be so abnormal because of course I was a pitiful victim!!! I clung to that like it was a frigging lifeline, I was so afraid to fall further than I clawed at the edge of the cliff.

Luckily I had some friends who weren't into feeding my victim hunger, and a couple of therapists who said...over & over & over again until I listened...to just let go, stop clawing at the edge of that cliff, fall down, roll down the mountain side. You know what, hanging off the edge and clinging to that victim-hood was a million times more painful than letting go, facing it and getting past it ever were. It's a choice, sure it takes time and understanding and usually professional help from a good therapist (many many therapists will only make you worst) but you have to want to get there. As long as you are getting your attention from being a victim and people hold your hand and tell you it's not your fault, it's how they expect you to act/feel, then what's the incentive to get better? I don't help people stay unhappy, I refuse to be a part of the insanity.

No child should take on the baggage of those who would abuse them, but by the same token, adults who abuse themselves should not be egged on by those meaning to help but instead are part of the pattern, are part of the continued self-abuse. Understanding is not the same as contributing to the problem. If you break your leg, do you want someone to hold your hand, tell you they know it hurts and then tell you it's going to hurt like hell forever and it's not your fault...or do you want someone to put you through the pain of re-setting those bones, showing you how to let it heal properly and then teaching you how to walk again, so you can of course remember you broke you leg but not spend your life limping around on damaged goods? Personally, I picked to go through the pain of healing and being able to walk upright without a lifetime victim badge. I wouldn't even bother to tell anyone I was a victim of child abuse, or that it started way way way younger than for most people, and that it was sexual and twisted, other than to let people know, you don't have to be a victim all your life, it doesn't have to ruin your life, unless you allow it to. It's simply your choice. Life is like that, choices you make amid the shit that happens to you that you have no control over. You have control over yourself, unless you want to always be a victim.

It's not that I'm perfect, I make all kinds of stupid moves, but I know I made them, I chose to, I'm not going to waste my life blaming others for my own behavior.
 kasandroid
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 79
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/13/2009 7:23:08 PM
"The Sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow......it's just a day AWAY!"


P.s Hopefully I break me hand, that way then they can actually fix it, then I can go back to drawing and being in blissful denial...............:P
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 100
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/14/2009 6:44:04 PM

but, I'd put money on the people who's lives are sitill effected by abuse being greater in numbers than those who've "gotten over it."


I think the disconnect here has a lot to do with people making an assumption...that because they are able to do something , anyone can. Like stephalump, for one, said: we are not all the same..we don't have the same personalities, the same life experiences, the same good or bad traits, the same strengths/weaknesses.,everyone isn't capable of just "getting over it"..whatever it is.

And to tie into that..I think what amerra is saying is : sure, we are responsible for getting help if we need it, or our own behavior....but...this they should just "get over it" mentality is not empathetic, and not helpful...most likely what it does is feed the abused's feelings of being weak, powerless or flawed. It is entirely possible to be empathetic without enabling...they are separate issues...and I tend to think it is a personality difference between those who feel this way and those who don't. Not a right or wrong, but a difference. But, the lack of compassion isn't necessary. Being mean does not help cure people who are already pretty crushed and feeling lost...it just feeds their sense of inferiority, which is part of what keeps them from healing...because they don't think they can. Support doesn't have to mean enabling or meanness.

And also people who have never lived through this kind of trauma....maybe don't quite understand how it does effect you...and even with therapy and becoming more whole...it never really goes away..and it sometimes takes a concerted effort to not let it creep in. And..recognizing the issue, or even fixing it, isn't always obvious to those who have it...that's why empathetic and understanding people are needed to help them along the way...you don't have to date or get involved with people you think are damaged too much at the time to have a good relationship...but, the complete lack of understanding or empathy baffles me...especially since none of us are unscathed...none of us always do the right thing, or the best thing...few of us even know what it is...that is a part of growth as a person isn't it?

I started a thread a while ago about entitlement as a society and accepting blame. It is one thing to accept blame for illegal, immoral or careless behavior. It is another to be blamed for being scarred psychologically or physically through no fault of your own, be told to accept that blame and also get it over it while you are at it. Because really good, strong, people can , why can't you? Because you must not be a really good, strong person...yep, that 's what you thought all along anyway...because if you were..this would have never happened to you would it?

It just isn't that easy for everyone...and no matter what we are talking about...the fact that you ( all you's are general)can do something , does not mean everyone is capable of the same act, or has the right tools to do it, or their timing is the same. Compassion people...how did taking responsibility for your behavior morph into no one is allowed any empathy/compassion/understanding at all? And who is anyone that is perfect enough to judge others ways of coping ?

Interesting side bar: I have no memory of ever being sexually abused ( and if it did happen , oddly enough, I'd say it was a woman, not a man)...but, when I was in therapy for trying to save my marriage...my therapist made an interesting comment: It doesn't matter if you were or not at this point...because you have the symptoms...and we need to treat the symptoms. Also, a noteworthy point..one of the ways some sexually abused women deal with it subconsciously is food or weight issues...a kind of self protection?

The informal statistics of women ( I dont know the ones for men, but I personally know two who have admitted it to me)..is that at least one out of four women have either been sexually abused/raped/ or assaulted in their lifetime...that's a lot of women..in a female social group I'm in, it is three out of five. And an informal survey of my closest friends and relatives says it isn't all that uncommon..so, I think it may be much more common than some people think. And I have to say...anyone who is lying or faking it for sympathy has bigger emotional problems than the formerly abused. Still, I feel empathy for them too...how sad is that?

As always...JMO....
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 102
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/14/2009 7:37:27 PM

Zangie, No one is saying it's easy, yet everyone is saying its hard! what's the real difference between "easy" and Hard"? think about it...


I'll have to think about it more...

But, my first, immediate reaction is: what is easy for me are things I have an innate ability to do...what is hard is that which I don't..or that which I don't even understand, ( like higher math...lol..for a non emotional problem..and I've spent years trying to get a grasp on that, because it is my weakest intellectual area..)and emotional issues are far more complex, and far harder to even grasp unless you are a professional...

I will think on it more...but, I will also admit to it is in my nature to be empathetic to those who things are harder for, ones who don't have the right tools, or the self awareness, or whatever..even if it is their inability to "fix" themselves? I still think that is part of the emotional problem itself...and they need encouragement , not judgment..just my way of looking at it...
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 104
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/14/2009 11:28:30 PM
Watch the show "Women Behind Bars" on National Geographic. The Psychologist was saying over half of the women there were physically or sexually abused. As a survivor of physical abuse (Dad saved me at 7) I am luckly not a statistic. I went through therapy as a teen.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 111
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/15/2009 6:46:16 AM
I think some people are confusing a person's craving for empathy with a person's craving for pity. Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand what a person is feeling. Pity is feeling sorrow at someones plight and wanting to help. A person can be empathetic to someone and not feel pity for that person. There is nothing wrong with a person seeking empathy. Everyone of us, abused or not, desires empathy. Can anyone honestly say that they have not wanted understanding?

Pity, on the other hand, should not be something that someone continually seeks. There is nothing wrong with asking for a little pity every now and then. We all need a helping hand sometimes. Everyone occasionally needs that crutch. However, there comes a time to throw away that crutch. If a person is always asking for pity, they will never lose the crutch, never walk on their own two feet. In this instance, tough love may be necessary. But tough love is not telling someone to "Shut the fvck up and get over it." No, tough love is telling someone, "I understand that you are hurting but I am not going excuse your bad behavior nor will I enable it." As someone stated already, words have huge power. We must wield that power carefully, in order not to destroy.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 113
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/15/2009 9:59:07 AM
I too said I didn't need help. What I really meant was.....I do not deserve help. I picked men that I knew weren't good for me. Yes, I knew going in that they were bad for me. Why did I do this? Because I believed that I did not deserve a good man. I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't deserve the same things as the "good" people did.
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 133
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/16/2009 4:59:08 PM
I suppose it is something you can only "accept" , you can't change it and you cannot change them ...Perhaps they are doing you a favor to let you know they have not overcome this damage...

I'm sure no matter what part of the world you are in ...there are some that heal and some that don't...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 134
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/16/2009 9:01:04 PM
Often times Arabian, people block much of what happened to them and by not voicing it even iternally is the mind's way of shielding itself of information it cannot handle. I think btw, that what you have been trying to express is the fact that some people that are victimized seem to just blame the situation rather than doing something to help themselves get beyond it. They really have not yet learned that by remaining in the same place, their abuser continues to have power over them.

Victimization is a process. It begins with grooming in many cases, then the actual acts of abuse. Each situation is different relative to any healing that occurs at the time. Many people are walking around with this whether it is sexual abuse or physically abusive and it is not until something happens like a marriage dissolving that they may begin to not only work on current behaviors but why those developed at all.

Some people hide in their victim status whether they realize it or not. Some people want to move forward but do not know how and there are those that when they find out the source of problems can then work toward doing something about it instead of remaining in the same emotional place.

Change is always difficult and it is scary. For some people, even if they intellectually want different, the pain that they know is perferable or more comfortable to the unknown that they fear. Only one among many components could be that if the person actually gets into a loving relationship instead of an unhealthy one and if that were to fail, it would be because of the individual rather than the legacy of abuse. This is a hit to the psyche that some people are not equipped to take.

Just as there are many different types and severity of abuse, the innate make-up of the person, whether they have any support system at all, whether they have or use any tools to deal with what happened varies by each case of abuse. If more women openly admit that past experiences affect relationships this does not necessarily mean that they have recognized cause and effect and it stops there, it is highly likely that it is an indication that the person IS doing something about it, but they have to work at things from both ends, correcting behaviors and grieving and healing the wounds, this all takes time and each person's pace is different. Sadder are those that never see the connection and consequently lose the ability to really deal with the problem rather than its symptoms.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 136
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/17/2009 9:40:53 AM

However we become adults and we start to question, all the why's and how's then we form an opinion, we realise that although it was a tough childhood we've learned hopefully NOT to make the same mistakes with our own kids. We try and better ourselves by looking for patterns that may be destroying our relationships and work on it, not continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and expect to get different results...and better still continue to use the same excuse over and over again.


We don’t just turn 18 and our decision making abilities are bestowed upon us. It is something that is learned through childhood. You assume that a person who has suffered sexual abuse should be able to make the same rational decisions and form the same rational opinions as someone who watched their father cheat on their mother.

I have been though both, sexual abuse and watching my dad cheat. I was not sexually abused by either parent, btw. I cannot speak for how every person sexually abused as a child feels, I can only give my personal feelings. I knew my father was cheating on my mom before my sexual abuse started. I felt fear that my family was going to split apart. I questioned the love that my father felt for me but I never once felt that I was responsible for his cheating. Because of that I decided that I would never put up with infedelity.

With the abuse I did blame myself. I believed that there was something wrong with me and that is why this was happening to me. I believed that I was worth less than other people. I carried that belief into adulthood. My decisions and opinions were based upon the belief that I was undeserving. To be honest, I don't know that I would have ever gotten help on my own if it had not been forced upon me. I didn't feel that I deserved it. Once it was though, I made the decision to do the work. No one could have forced me to get better.


So should we feel sorry for his Ex or should we feel sorry for him? I mean who is the victim now?


I say don't feel sorry for either one. They both made thier own choices. Her not to get the help she needed and he to stay with her and allow her behavior towards him. You don't have to feel sorry for someone to have empathy though. I feel empathy for both of them. I understand some of what she went through. I understand that he loved her and wanted to help her get better so he stuck around even though he knew it was bad for him. When you have empathy for someone it doesn't mean you are excusing someone's behavior, nor does it mean that you continually try to help. I am not so sure that you should help, unless you have extensive training as you could possibly do more damage. All you can do is love and support them as much as you can without putting your ownself in jeopardy both physically and emotionally.

Yes, there are some people that want your pity, but I honestly believe the majority of us just want some understanding of what we feel. I think you just hear more from the pity seekers because they scream louder.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 137
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/17/2009 12:41:19 PM
Thank you goodkindacrazy...you said it it better than I could...

My whole point is empathy and pity are two different words with two different meanings...as are acceptance and enabling...IMO, it is a good thing to emphasize and accept those who struggle, whether through their own weaknesses or not...everyone is not blessed with the same strength of will, insight or mental abilities..acceptance of the struggle is not approving of the behavior...and, for myself, I am not nearly perfect enough to think I can tell other people what is wrong with them, or how they should fix it. Or whose fault it is.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 139
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/17/2009 2:02:46 PM

holding adults, that are not mentally ill, responsible for their actions.


Not all mental illnesses prevent a person from knowing the difference between right and wrong. Clinical Depression is considered a mental illness. I would also think that many abused children grow to adults with mental illnesses. So would you give a break to some one who was clinically depressed?

Don't misunderstand the question. I do believe that we should all be held accountable for our actions, regardless of what happened to us as children. I haven't read one response to this thread that has said that those who have suffered abuse as children should be excused from wrong doing. What I have read over and over is that we all should have empathy. Empathy, not sympathy, and not pity.
 Eenk
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 150
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/18/2009 2:00:05 PM
Women consider trivial shit to be abuse. Dad yelled at her for staying out 3 hours past curfew and coming home drunk and smelling like a whorehouse? That was abuse and it's why they can't trust you and why they slept with that guy in the bar.
 Eenk
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 151
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:54:20 PM
I had to read your profile to be able to tell if you were a man or a woman. Though I didn't have to realize that you are a ****.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 159
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Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/20/2009 1:41:48 PM

However, I have been in therapy groups where someone was VERY effected by their abuse, felt really sorry for themselves, where I think to myself that i'd be completely normal and well adjusted if I'd had their experience rather than mine, and am tempted to tell them to "suck it up, princess".... but, different things effect people differently... a lot of it depends on other factors beyond control.


I remember thinking to myself that I was lucky in that my level of abuse wasn't as severe as some of the others. Really put things in perspective for me. I knew that if they could overcome so could I. I also understand what you mean about the flashbacks, but those are happening less and less and I have more control over how it affects me now. For the most part, I am happy and well adjusted. I just have to remind myself that I am just as deserving of happiness, love and respect as everyone else is.
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 164
Women attributing their realtionship problems to chioldhood abuse....
Posted: 4/20/2009 8:05:58 PM
I didn't read the whole string, so forgive me if this has been said.

Many people, men and women alike, who suffer a traumatic event such as abuse (abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual) will have after effects until they deal with the it. That means that there are people who have had their bodies and soul broken. They have had things taken from them that should never have been taken. Does that mean that they cannot heal from their past? No, it means that until they are ready to deal with it they will have issues (and issues can be anything).

I have found that a lot of people I know who were abused did not come from the open families some people have. A lot of them come from families where problems were swept under the rug and were ignored. A lot of them come from families where emotional neglect is a way of life. A lot of them come from families where a parent will sacrifice a child (in terms of sexual abuse) so that they, the parent, don't have to deal with the perpetrator (and nothing sucks worse than that). It's not all peaches and cream in some households.

That said, once a survivor starts on their journey to self-discovery and on their path to healing, a lot of things will come up. Sometimes working through issues requires you relive them and sometimes the worst thing you can do is relive them.

The choices I make as an adult are mine... the decisions I make today are mine. I am not the little girl anymore who had no choices and I am no longer the person I was... Am I better? Who knows. I do know that I'm a lot stronger though.
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