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 pamioakley
Joined: 5/26/2013
Msg: 41
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starting overPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
My first piece of advice to you is to be very clear about what you are looking for. I haven't looked at your profile, but if you are separated and not divorced yet, make that clear. You can change your profile later. Also, keep in mind that for the first year after divorce, especially after a long marriage, women may be hesitant to date you. A lot of people, myself included, have a one-year rule. I have the rule because I know without a doubt that I was a crazy person the first year after my divorce even though I didn't recognize it at the time. My advice to you is learn to live alone, and above all, learn to like your own company. Until you have once again discovered the things you truly are interested in and what your new priorities are, don't embark upon a serious relationship. Give yourself time to heal and know who you are again.

Pam
 Sapphireeyes100
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 42
starting over
Posted: 10/24/2013 3:37:14 PM

In my case, I'm in the midst of putting together a dating (as opposed to a forum) profile and get myself back on here again, after being hidden for four years and I hate it. I have to get new pics posted, and come up with an "about me" that will appeal to a wide audience that won't offend anyone.


^^ this imho is what is wrong with online dating--someone making up a profile to attract a WIDE audience--when basically it just needs to attract the right ONE.

So you meet someone based on what is said in their profile and find out that it was said in their profile just to attract you but not really who they are. I'll never forget the first man I dated from online--almost didnt meet him cause there was a pic of him on a motorcycle and I have never been on one. Ends up he borrowed a friends to take the pic --he had never really been on one either -but he said older women love bikes and so he was upping his chances ><

Just be you, who you are...and then when you met the right person it is right ..not meet the right person for you and then you are the wrong person for them
 S58
Joined: 7/29/2010
Msg: 43
starting over
Posted: 10/25/2013 6:01:14 AM
There’s one thing no one has mentioned yet (If am wrong… Sorry) and that is being “set in your ways”. Getting back into dating in your 50’s and of course older, everyone is going to be set in their ways (to some degree). This is normal but makes it harder finding the right person for you…And that is fine too… (Believe or not).

It’s WAY easier finding good friends than a great one to one relationship. Rather than looking at the dating angle of getting out there, try just getting into groups of people like mentioned on this thread “starting over” from others. It will go much easier and a lot less stressful… :)
 kissodeath
Joined: 9/20/2013
Msg: 44
starting over
Posted: 10/26/2013 12:21:39 PM

In my case, I'm in the midst of putting together a dating (as opposed to a forum) profile and get myself back on here again, after being hidden for four years and I hate it. I have to get new pics posted, and come up with an "about me" that will appeal to a wide audience that won't offend anyone.


Why do you have to create a different profile?

Also, with regard to "starting over" I would suggest never saying that. Life is continuous. People come and go. Some stay in your life for longer, some for shorter. Every relationship you have is a relationship, and they are each different from the other.

As for using the cliche "journey...destination" that is a wasted reference. What changes your life is your attitude about yourself. If you are bitter/hurt/negative, the people who want to be around you are the ones who are using your negativity to boost something in them that they lack, feeding off of your malcontent. If you are positive, love yourself, and feel complete and content alone, you will attract people who are also happy people. The ones who aren't won't be able to stand you for long because their own insecurities will eat at them. Or else they will change for the better because they learn from your example.

Spend time with yourself, working on focusing on finding contentment. Along the way you will find happiness in things you didn't notice before. You'll look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are. You'll go outside and be with people and other awesome people will want to be around you because you're awesome.

Don't look at life like you're stopping and starting, jerking around. Learn to work that clutch until the shifting is smooth like butta. You pretty much learn how to be happy on your own otherwise the happiness doesn't stick. After you are comfortable with yourself, that's when the right people will pop into your life.
 RoaminIrish
Joined: 10/13/2013
Msg: 45
starting over
Posted: 10/26/2013 6:46:06 PM
I've read that it takes 7 years to recover financially from a divorce, and a year for every 5 years of marriage, to "recover" in other ways--and if that's true, I'm about half-way there financially, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel emotionally. I'm nearly 4 years out of a nearly 21 year marriage, and "moving on" has been a side journey in and of itself. First there was the legal dissolution of the marriage, and dealing with the fallout related to that. My ex had mental health issues; let's leave it at that. Then I needed a better job. It meant commuting part-time and living away from home part-time, so I had to find a new place to live. But then that created some unforeseeable situations which resulted in moving back to home base and increasing the number of days commuting. Finally, this year, got to move permanently to the "new" location (4 years post separation, 2+ into a new job), relocating the kids, completely moving everything and setting up my life in a new town. Whew. Feels good, but it has been a lot of work.

All this while, I trolled POF --often with my profile hidden. I wanted to date but didn't want to date. Wanted to meet someone but didn't want to meet anyone I actually had a chance of meeting. Would go out, not click, decide I really didn't have time for it, hide the profile. After a few weeks or month, put the cycle on repeat. Deleted several profiles, too. Stayed off for months at a time. Came back--usually for the forums. That's why I'm here again now.

I want to become more fit--not because of wanting to date, but because I want to be active and mobile for the next 30 years. I figure I still have a lot of time ahead of me without children at home (I will be 61 when my youngest turns 18). I will have had kids at home for 31 years. That's a really long time--but I wouldn't have it any other way. Still, being a mom is a big part of who I am right now, so my opportunities to do other things are limited--and I'm fine with that. I just know there will be a lot of things I want to do when I have the time to do them, and I want to have the time, money, and health to do them.

Being where I am right now is hard, b/c it isn't progressing toward anything. A long time ago, I recognized in myself the constant impulse toward change--just for the sake of having something to look forward to. I resisted that for a long, long time, for the sake of my kids. It's probably the only reason I stayed married as long as I did. I feel really good about how I've raised my kids, though--I am confident I made the right choices for them. So the sacrifice has been well worth it, in that sense. I thank God every day that they are happy and well-adjusted. Amazing, given what they have had to go through, too. But so it is.

So--have I enjoyed this journey? Yes--even though it has been incredibly hard and painful at times. Even though I still catch my breath and wonder, "What the f*ck am I doing?" at times. Well, maybe I can't say I've "enjoyed" it--but I have sure valued it. I can see where I've been, now, and can think about where I want to go. I'm reaching the point where I can devote some energy to me, to my future, to dreams of the Peace Corps or returning to playing soccer--to things that are important to me, and only to me.

"Starting over" or "moving on" isn't for sissies. But the strength you gain in the process in undeniable. Don't worry about the time table--just devote yourself to trying to move forward, one day at a time. Recognize that you will feel you've wallowed for months--but as long as the inches accrue, over time, you are heading in the right direction. One day, you too will reach that point where you can look back and see how far you've come. Good luck.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 46
starting over
Posted: 10/27/2013 2:07:26 PM
To Opp : These women will gut you like a fish , Things have really changed since you were younger , chance of finding a decent woman is very slim . Its all about instant chemistry and wallet size now .
 house_full_of_bullets
Joined: 8/22/2011
Msg: 47
starting over
Posted: 10/28/2013 4:43:03 AM
@kissodeath

The reason I'm putting an entirely new profile up is because my current one has an incorrect birthday - that's it. I just wanted to be accurate. I'm not too terribly happy about doing it, but I'm not in the depths of despair either.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 48
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starting over
Posted: 10/28/2013 8:40:43 AM

To Opp : These women will gut you like a fish , Things have really changed since you were younger , chance of finding a decent woman is very slim . Its all about instant chemistry and wallet size now


Wow, I know you have been told this before honey, but as long as you have this attitude, you won't get very far. A man with such a huge chip on his shoulders is not an attractive man to anyone. Why can't you simply take a woman at face value and go with that using your best judgement on how it is going? I think that is how most of us do it?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 49
starting over
Posted: 10/28/2013 2:25:08 PM

To Opp : These women will gut you like a fish , Things have really changed since you were younger , chance of finding a decent woman is very slim . Its all about instant chemistry and wallet size now


Wow, I know you have been told this before honey, but as long as you have this attitude, you won't get very far.

Indeed.
As a point of fact, this thread was initiated in 2009, the OP doesn't appear to be an active member anymore( at least not under that ID). The thread was resurrected by a FEMALE poster who has concerns about starting over, and like a good PoF forum citizen, she did a search so as to not start a new "redundant" thread.
But sometimes when someone is seriously angry, resentful, disappointed-or some combination thereof-I think they can tend to look for threads where they can vent. Some of this is understandable but it can tend to get OLD.

OP
concentrate on having a good life and chances are that you will find a new SO if it is meant to be. Otherwise. there ARE advantages to just being a social dater or being single. If you let your social environment browbeat you into thinking that paired up is the ONLY valid adult human situation, the whole process can become very frustrating and you could end up chronically bitter.
Cindy O
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 50
starting over
Posted: 11/2/2013 8:18:27 AM
Moon : I am sorry but I am not one of the cowed guys . Seems actually being a man in this day and age means to walk alone . Eventually I either will or will not find a woman who actually wants a man and not one of those cowed guys that there seem to be so many of . I never have run with the herd , I make my own path .
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 51
starting over
Posted: 11/2/2013 9:42:29 AM
op/1 (long gone): feel so out of sync right now. Any tips, cautions, or advice?

I’ve been enjoying just hanging around women as friends (non-dating) lately. It’s good. No need to have all the issues sorted out. No need to grapple with the enemy. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.

I’d go as far as saying an opposite-sex friend is an aid to sanity and mental health, a safe-guard against isolation and feeling alienated from the other side. Lower the stakes. No-one's ever going to make you happy.
 HonkyTonk_Woman
Joined: 9/16/2013
Msg: 52
starting over
Posted: 11/2/2013 10:24:11 AM
Muted...

I’ve been enjoying just hanging around women as friends (non-dating) lately. It’s good. No need to have all the issues sorted out. No need to grapple with the enemy. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.

Soooooo...does that mean you're one of the "cowed" men??
proteaus..

I never have run with the herd , I make my own path

Yes...You certainly are one of a kind.....

I'm with you "Muted"...at this age it's not all about the drama and nonsense....anymore!
I am far too old and mature to want/need/look for trouble. I surround myself with friends that are decent...respectful people....that have the same morals/values.....I have eliminated anyone that was always...whining and couldn't let go the past....just drags you down with them..
 completelyhappy
Joined: 10/3/2010
Msg: 53
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starting over
Posted: 12/9/2013 4:42:18 PM
a good friend told me post divorce that one should divide the number of years by 4 that you were in a relationship with someone and wait till that time has passed to be in a lasting new relationship. this is because it takes time for your soul to heal from that previous relationshp and it has be healed to be open to a new person.
I've been divorced 10 years (was married a long time) and though I dated I only now feel ready to be remarried.

Have fun and be safe. People are vunerable after a breakup.

And allow yourself to date and make mistakes. It's ok- you'll live.I did. It's all a learning journey.

blessings
 Archiver
Joined: 3/10/2013
Msg: 54
starting over
Posted: 12/9/2013 5:52:33 PM
That's the second time in two days that I've heard of that so-called rule for waiting after ending a relationship. I think it's baloney. Nevertheless, waiting until you are ready is smart. Just don't make up rules about it.
 SuzieQForForums
Joined: 8/5/2013
Msg: 55
starting over
Posted: 12/10/2013 6:31:22 AM

I've read that it takes 7 years to recover financially from a divorce, and a year for every 5 years of marriage, to "recover" in other ways--and if that's true, I'm about half-way there financially, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel emotionally.


My marriage lasted 29 years. I'm too old to wait 6 years to recover.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 56
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starting over
Posted: 12/10/2013 6:43:52 AM
Its not that you have to "wait" for a number of years to "recover" from a lost long term relationship. You can, and will, move on to new relationships. Its just that you won't really be who you are as an unattached person for that period of time until you have purged your behaviour of all the habits that you built up during the previous long term.

That means that you will continue to change back to who you really want to be, and the consequence is that your new relationships will likely suffer because they are based on something that is not stable in you.

On the other hand, the more you try, the faster you may recover. Damned if you don't, Damned if you do......

Whenever you think you know what will happen in a new relationship, just realize that you don't. You only know what would have happened in your old relationship under the particular circumstances in question. Its the false assumptions that kill the new relationship.

Its really unfortunate that you can't change long term habit overnight. On the other hand, those who can evolve the successful long term habits don't find themselves in relationships that fail.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 57
starting over
Posted: 12/10/2013 9:35:39 AM
s58 said:


There’s one thing no one has mentioned yet (If am wrong… Sorry) and that is being “set in your ways”. Getting back into dating in your 50’s and of course older, everyone is going to be set in their ways (to some degree). This is normal but makes it harder finding the right person for you…And that is fine too… (Believe or not).


Actually I did mention this very thing in another thread some time ago. I find that the longer I remain single, the more I become "set in my ways" As I mentioned below, I have become too comfortable with my singleness which is going to make it difficult for me to find the person that will fit into my world.
Also I am of that age where I am beginning to become invisible to many men who would not even consider dating someone of my age.

muted said:


I’ve been enjoying just hanging around women as friends (non-dating) lately. It’s good. No need to have all the issues sorted out. No need to grapple with the enemy. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.


Just substitute woman for men and those would be my thoughts exactly. I've been single for a very long time and for the most part, quite enjoy my singleness. There are those times though..hehe....need I say more? Lol

But I know what you mean when you say, " it doesn't have to go anywhere"...One can relax and just enjoy the company of a member of the opposite sex without worrying about whether it's going to go anywhere or not. NO pressure. *whew*



I’d go as far as saying an opposite-sex friend is an aid to sanity and mental health, a safe-guard against isolation and feeling alienated from the other side.


Uh huh *grin*

...mae
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 58
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History
starting over
Posted: 12/10/2013 3:29:13 PM
Having someone, or others of the opposite sex around is a wonderful thing, and even though I have been single and living alone for a long time, I still enjoy the companionship of others, especially those of the opposite sex.

Now, finding those of the opposite sex that want to enjoy me the way I do them, how, and how often, is another thing totally, and that is where the "rub" is.....so to speak! Far to often, no matter how two may start out, one usually wants more than the other is willing to give, or can give, and even though goals and aspirations talked about from the start seemed to mesh, they do not really, and what was thought as a companionship, is turned into a position of marriage or living together and sharing resources.

To start over is one thing, but to repeat the same mistakes, just is not in my universe.....;)

cd
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 59
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starting over
Posted: 12/14/2013 2:49:58 PM
You'll be erased soon, too, in your entire powerless insignificance.

Bye now. We'll all miss you desperately.
 Tom_MorganWV
Joined: 12/10/2013
Msg: 60
starting over
Posted: 12/16/2013 10:50:41 AM

That's the second time in two days that I've heard of that so-called rule for waiting after ending a relationship. I think it's baloney. Nevertheless, waiting until you are ready is smart. Just don't make up rules about it.


All thumbs up. Set in stone time frames -- silly.
 sassyscorpiochick
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 61
starting over
Posted: 12/29/2013 9:52:17 PM

As a point of fact, this thread was initiated in 2009, the OP doesn't appear to be an active member anymore( at least not under that ID). The thread was resurrected by a FEMALE poster who has concerns about starting over, and like a good PoF forum citizen, she did a search so as to not start a new "redundant" thread.


Yes, I revived this thread because I am back to online dating again after I thought I had met my Mr. Right . I hate this starting over. Meeting new people and telling your history and answering questions AGAIN just gets so old.

It's just as bad too when you meet someone after doing the email and all that, and you know pretty quickly that it's just going to be a first meet, not someone you want to date and get know better. Then you get the email saying they can't wait to see you again. I hate writing back and saying " I'm sorry"

I've pretty much figured out that I don't want to live with anyone again, so I am casting my net wider. Since I am retired, if I met someone a few hours away, it would be just fine. Before this, I was totally against a LDR. Now I think it's a good solution to finding someone who doesn't want to move in.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 62
starting over
Posted: 1/2/2014 10:45:22 AM

it seems much harder now to find a suitable mate than it did when I was considerably younger


That's because it IS.
The key word being SUITABLE.
Many people our age are in marriages and LTRs,as opposed to when we were in our late teens and early 20s, and most people our age were not already partnered up.

I think, when 2 young people meet and form a pair bond, they are still growing in many ways and they sort of mold to one another. When one seeks to form a pair-bond in mid-40s and up, that moldability is often no longer possible,or not to the extent that it was in early adulthood.
As far as "cowed"-I reserve that label for men who have retreated into anger and bitterness, men who dabble at the edges of dating seeking opportunities to lash out at all women for what one woman has done. THOSE are the ones who are really "cowed".
Cindy O
 TOaks91360
Joined: 11/22/2013
Msg: 63
starting over
Posted: 1/9/2014 6:39:32 AM
ED, menopause, botox and gravity...
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