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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > I can't kick them out, they have a baby      Home login  
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 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 18
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I can't kick them out, they have a babyPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm in PA and the procedures and laws vary from state to state but I can tell you this - if you called the child welfare office in this county (where I work)...

We might take the call as a "referral" situation - to refer the parents to parenting classes. We DO NOT place children for a mother "yelling". We do not place children because someone says we should or asks us to. The Child Welfare agency needs to have a COURT ORDER giving us custody in order to place a child. Judges will not just automatically sign those - we have to prove there is serious, imminent risk to the child, UNDER THE LAW.

The fact that YOU are in the house would serve as a "protective" measure in our eyes.

The party line here is - just because someone uses drugs/alcohol doesn't mean they can't parent. If you see they have drugs - that is a police matter.

Call Child Welfare - IF you can get them involved, when you throw them out - they will be obligated to ensure the child has a roof over its head that is SAFE. At that point they might to a walkthrough of wherever the child will be staying. There will be no "home study".

The general public has a very skewed idea of what we do!
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 19
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:27:27 AM

What I don't understand iswhy they aren't working - you can work with a baby... *I* did it. I didn't get a free ride in someone's house because I bred a child. I got daycare.


They aren't working because they don't wanna work. Hell, a Mcjob would be good enough because they don't pay rent, food or utilites. They got the OP to do that...


Absolutely no fricken reason for both of them ot not get off their lazy azzes and earn an income [/quote
Nope, no reason at all except they don't want to.

OP, you need to "realign their priorities".
First, deal with the baby. Get CPS involved. Some sort of agency involved.
Second, take steps to legally evict the GF. Your son and her aren't married and there is absolutely no reason for her to be living in your home.
Getting rid of your son maybe more difficult, but it maybe be easier to NOT think of all three of them as a package deal. Divide and conquer. Get rid of non-blood first.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 20
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:39:46 AM
Often when drugs are alleged to be involved - we check with local police to see if either or both parents have any kind of history, or if they are known to the police as being drug involved.

In our county, D/A (drug/alcohol) cases that involve children under 5 get a special red label on them - these children are considered higher risk because of how dependant they are on parents, and more so if they aren't in school/day care (where a responsible adult isn't seeing them/monitoring their care).
 Lily0923
Joined: 5/28/2008
Msg: 21
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:51:41 AM

Grow a backbone. They are doing wonders with stem cell research.

How amazing that they don't abide by your rules. Why should they? You don't enforce them. All you do is give them idle threats and they KNOW you won't follow through.

It's not your grandchild. Your son is an adult. Kick them out and let them leech off of her family. You are, and have been, allowing this situation to continue. You have no one to blame but yourself. Do you really want your other children to see this kind of behavior? If it continues, be prepared to take in all your kids as they follow the same path. You are doing a disservice to everyone involved if you allow this situation to continue.


AMEN... and to add to this, her family probably will take her and the baby, but not him, they want to stay together... so they say "they can't"

The unemployment rate is crappy right now, but there is always day labor places and they are hopping... is he going there?

They don't have money to pay you for food ect, but they do have money for pot? You gave them a week when you found the pot?????

Stop complaining..... You earned this situation.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 22
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 2:36:35 PM
Kick the baby out.......the parents will follow.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 23
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 3:03:11 PM

Your son is an adult, the woman is not related to you and the child is not one of your family members.

Since when is a grandchild NOT a family member? (Unless I missed a post where the OP clearly stated that baby is not her son's.)

~OP~ There is more to consider than just simplistic/common sense that we all can sit in judgment with quite easily. You can kick them out call the appropriate agencies and have them take over, but once they are involved, they don't usually become un-involved, which means ~ you could very likely not see the grandchild in the future (that's a decision only you can make.) The other side? When is "helping" enabling. We all have our own views on how much help is too much help and it can vary greatly from situation to situation, person to person. I'm certainly not living in your house or capable of making that determination, only YOU can make that decision. If you are as unhappy about things as it reads here, I'd suggest you sit them down, tell them to pack, help them load their stuff and let the chips fall where they may. I personally wouldn't be willing to do anything with governmental agencies simply because the system is skewed, unreliable and in my opinion, corrupt. But that's one of those things, again, that only you can decide because your actions will come with re-actions/consequences that will have cause and effect for the future of a LOT more people than just you. JMO
 4ced2register
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 24
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 3:58:24 PM
The baby is not her son's.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 25
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 6:57:00 PM
I appreciate the advice njbubble. I did know about income based housing as well as how long the waiting list was but I was not aware that she could get temporary rental assistance. I would not be lying by saying I do not have the space. I don't. They are staying in my living room. Actually she isn't collecting welfare or food stamps at the moment. She is fighting to get them because her first application was denied. The reason they gave was that her Mother was receiving benefits for her. Her mother has not been giving any of the money or food stamps to her and has not taken her off of her benefits. It was the same situation with her Social Security benefits but that was easier to resolve for some reason. I had to push the girl to get her benefits. She didn't want to get her mother into trouble. I asked her which was more important, having some means of taking care of herself and the baby or keeping her mother out of trouble. She and her mother are now no longer on speaking terms. I cannot help but feel sorry for the girl sometimes. She hasn't even finished the ninth grade because her mother moved her and her siblings from place to place never staying longer than a few months at a time and most times not enrolling them in the local school. Her father has told her that he can't help her because he has to support his other kids and she is old enough to take care of herself. She was 16 when he told her this. Her grandmother lives in Government housing and says she can't take her in because she is already taking care of her younger sister.

I am not concerning myself with whether my son will have a place to stay, he is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself. My main concern is that the baby be cared for.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 26
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:09:44 PM
I appreciate everyone's advice and point of views. I do realize that they are taking advantage of my soft-heartedness. I am taking steps to get them out of my home and on their own, but I am weighing each step before I take it. Even though that baby is not my blood, I could not live with myself if something were to happen to her.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 27
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/24/2009 7:34:43 PM

I personally wouldn't be willing to do anything with governmental agencies simply because the system is skewed, unreliable and in my opinion, corrupt.


When I was a teen I lived next door to a family that took in foster children. One of those foster children was an infant that was put into there care at 12 months old. The child had been neglected by her mother who was addicted to drugs. She had been left in her crib most of the time and could barely crawl. They worked very hard to get the child close to where she needed to be developmentally. After a year the child was returned to her mother as the courts had deemed her able to care for the child. Three months later they had the child back. She cried often, was malnourished, did not sleep through the night and was recovering from a broken collar bone. This time they had her for a year and a half and had been asking about adopting her. They were told that the mother would not give up parental rights and was working with the courts to get her child back. Again, the child was returned to the mother. They didn't see the child for two years then they were asked to take her in again. The mother had actually lost custody shortly after the child had been returned to her due to neglect but Social Services felt that they were becoming too attached to the child so they placed her with another family. The reason she was no longer with the other foster family and brought back to them was because it had come to light that the "father" had been molesting the children. I know that was a long time ago and things have improved some but really I just don't have that much faith in the child welfare system.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 28
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/25/2009 11:45:47 AM
Op, we can get into terrible situations when we try to help family members. I dont see that you have done anything wrong. You tried to give these kids and the baby a chance to get on their feet. They arent doing anything to help themselves.
Tell them, "I want you all out of here. I am tired of the disruption in my life. You didnt do your part, so, no more chances. OUT." Open the door and start putting their stuff out. Do not accept the responsibility for their having nowhere to go. Stand firm. Dont discuss it any further with them. You are finished with it, and them. How much longer before she is pregnant again, this time with your grandchild?
If they cannot provide a home for this baby, then they need to give it to someone who will. It is that simple. Children are a lot of work, a big responsibility, and your son and the GF cant/wont even take care of themselves.
Your calling all around, trying to find places, options for them. They needed to be doing that for themselves.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 29
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/26/2009 6:48:24 AM
UPDATE: Well everyone, I kicked them out. Yesterday a relative of hers came pick up the baby to stay with her a few days. Knowing that the baby was going to be gone I had a talk with them (again) about how I expected them to earn their keep. I spoke about the rules I expected them to follow and how they had been breaking them. They basically just offered excuses. I had plans late that afternoon and when I walked outside they were sitting in the truck and the girl was smoking a pipe. They tried to hide it when they saw me but it was too late I opened the door and was hit with the smell of weed. I told them, "That's it. Get out! No more chances. No excuses. Find someone to come get you or take off walking. I don't care how you leave or where you go but when I get back tonight you two had better be gone." I told them if they weren't I was calling the police and they could stay in jail. When I came home last night they were gone. I know its not completely over as they have stuff over here that they will need to get but I will not cave.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 30
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/26/2009 10:57:15 AM
jon at pof said: " Your son should probably join the military."
With the boys past criminal history, no high school diploma, the military would not even consider him. Sorry OP. Today's military are high school graduates, crime and drug free, and have to pass IQ tests and strenuous physical tests, run a mile so fast, so many push ups, and sits up, weight and height in proportion, to even be considered. They are alot more selective who they allow in. And rightly so.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 31
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/26/2009 1:30:15 PM
Goodkindacrazy,
That was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Let me quote somethng you said in you previous post:


Months later he is calling me, asking me if he and his girlfriend can stay with me a couple days. They were living with another couple in a mobile home and the other couple was moving the home to another lot. I said they could stay a few days.

Whatever you do, DON'T DO THIS AGAIN!
It may seem like he is getting his sh*t together, but everytime you "help" him, he backslides into his old ways. Do not let him back in the house!
He need to deal with his problems on his own.
 sriannaailyim
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 32
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/26/2009 9:23:39 PM

With the boys past criminal history, no high school diploma, the military would not even consider him. Sorry OP. Today's military are high school graduates, crime and drug free, and have to pass IQ tests and strenuous physical tests, run a mile so fast, so many push ups, and sits up, weight and height in proportion, to even be considered. They are alot more selective who they allow in. And rightly so.

No they don't have to pass an IQ test.

They are selective but recruiters will work with someone and let him know what he needs to do and there are waivers for certain issues that will allow him to join. It isn't hard to join the military, it just isn't easy.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 33
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/27/2009 5:46:35 AM
Wow Michaelann...

In my county, we have worked EXTREMELY hard to ensure that whenever possible, children remain in their own homes. We refer our clients to other agencies were they can get help (food, money to help with rent, electric bills, etc). We provide "protective day care" so that overwhelmed parents don't cross a line. When a child IS removed from their parents' care, we work very hard to find a kinship home for them (someone known to the child, a family member or close friend). At this point in time, more of the children we have in placement are in kinship homes that in regular foster homes. We even have an entire unit of caseworkers that deal exclusively with these placements (and just added a new position to that unit, as it is growing every day).

Most kids who end up available for adoption are NOT babies. In fact, many are teenagers. Most who end up available for adoption and do get adopted, are adopted by their foster parents. We provide adoption subsidies in almost all the adoptions we do, because these children AREN'T babies - they are older, have mental health/emotional/developmental issues, are of mixed race, etc.

Tell me again how these agencies just steal poor people's babies to give to rich clients again???

The OP's story of the foster child next door to her just enforces that the children are returned home almost all of the time. Sometimes they shouldn't be! But Judges very much believe in parents' rights.

We can't take or return a child without a court order. We can recommend what we think should happen - but it's up to the judge. AND the parents are allowed to be there/have representation - the CHILD is also represented.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 34
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/27/2009 7:10:26 AM

If you love your son continue to put him first and help until it is pushed away..


My son is twenty years old. He is not disabled either physically or mentally. He does have a problem with rules and laws. He does not feel that they apply to him. I have done what I can for him and now it is time for him to help himself.

I have three other children at home and they are minors. I am putting them first. It is not a question of my sanity, although it is very heartbreaking to know that my son has so little respect for me that he would subject me to the things he has. I have done what I have because I cannot afford to support him, his girlfriend and her baby and because they are putting my other children at risk.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 35
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/27/2009 8:34:05 AM
You have done nothing wrong here OP. Over and over you have tried to help him, his girlfriend, and then the baby. You cant help those who wont help themselves.

srhianna, maybe they didnt call it an IQ test, but my sons took tests, and knew they had to score so high on it to pass. They have to be able to pass their Advanced Infantry Training, after Basic, and some of those can be really extensive, learning wise.
 sriannaailyim
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 36
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/28/2009 9:08:06 PM


srhianna, maybe they didnt call it an IQ test, but my sons took tests, and knew they had to score so high on it to pass. They have to be able to pass their Advanced Infantry Training, after Basic, and some of those can be really extensive, learning wise.

I think you are misinformed---- the average student can pass the ASVAB and after that any exams you take, you are trained for, just like in school.
It isn't that hard- it isn't impossible. I should know- I am in the Army right now.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 37
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/28/2009 10:44:27 PM
My original comment was that they dont allow just anyone to join now. High school drop outs, too low a score on the entrance test, not being in physical shape, and a criminal history are not what the military are wanting.

I have one son in the army now. and a second son goes next month.
They have to be average in intelligence. I meant they dont let the average "Bubba" or "Forrest" in. My sons had to pass some tough tests, to get into the areas they wanted, One has even taken extra tests on the internet related to computers, and he has had to have 8 references. He will have White House and Pentagon clearance, due to his going into computers, and explosives, bio warfare.
.
 NotTheAverageChick
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 38
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/28/2009 10:48:18 PM
Use this son as an example of how NOT to raise the other children and start implementing these kinds of changes TODAY so you don't go thru this with the other kids (who are watching this whole sorry Springer episode):

Raise them to think about consequences. When they misbehave, PUNISH them (in whatever way you see fit) EVERY TIME, CONSISTENTLY!
Give them chores, inspect the chore-result, praise or re-instruct.
Teach them how to do business like making their own doctor's appointments, let them go and pay a bill for you.
Gather your actual utility bills, add them up with food, etc. and have them figure how much they need in a paycheck to cover them.
Make them read the want-ads to see how much people make on jobs. In public, ask them to guess how much each person makes, what kind of house they live in, how much education they have/how they did in school, etc.

Be blunt, show your other kids how hard it is to live in this world when you don't make the right choices (in lifestyles, employment, friends, girl-, boyfriends). It's an ongoing process that can start as early as 9-10 years old.

Many public schools now have to have classes to teach seniors these skills because they haven't learned them at home. And the parents are surprised when a 'Jerry Springer' lifestyle results and the parents AND THE REST OF US have to pay the price!
 Landra
Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 39
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/29/2009 10:13:12 AM
If you don't put a stop to it now, this will continue for decades.
I've seen it happen.
The "wayward child" never grows up, but continues to suck the money and life out of mom, who is too weak to do much.
Sounds like these two kids are manipulative and clever-- I'm sure they can find another sucker to fool.
 sriannaailyim
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 40
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 4/30/2009 3:57:49 PM

My original comment was that they dont allow just anyone to join now. High school drop outs, too low a score on the entrance test, not being in physical shape, and a criminal history are not what the military are wanting.

I have one son in the army now. and a second son goes next month.
They have to be average in intelligence. I meant they dont let the average "Bubba" or "Forrest" in. My sons had to pass some tough tests, to get into the areas they wanted, One has even taken extra tests on the internet related to computers, and he has had to have 8 references. He will have White House and Pentagon clearance, due to his going into computers, and explosives, bio warfare.


OK but my point is her son isn't a "Forrest" or a "Bubba"- he will be able to get in and if he isn't able to on the first try, the recruiter will tell him what he needs to do. Plus, they give waivers for certain things..... as I said before- it isn't easy, but it definitely isn't hard or impossible as you are making it out to be.
 NotTheAverageChick
Joined: 7/9/2006
Msg: 41
I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 5/6/2009 8:24:16 PM
To Kaylie:

I didn't mean to be harsh to the OP but really! People act like their kids just "flip out" as young adults but the reason is cuz they're not TAUGHT all along their childhoods.

Sounds like we shared a similar upbringing and I have a friend (like yours) who thought my Mom was too hard on me (cuz hers let her do anything) but she totally failed as a young adult due to lack of personal discipline and ignorance of how the adult world works! It took her about 7 years to finally figure out what I knew at 19!

My mom had to have a similar discussion with my brother and myself that we werent' getting anything for Christmas when my parents were divorcing (Dad was Muslim and used that as an excuse!). She just explained that rent was important, stressed we would have a great dinner, then we would all spend the day playing with the toys we had. I was 6 and voted to pay rent/no toys, my 2-yr old brother voted to buy new toys! Mom had the final vote: rent! But, you know, it was NOT the end of our childhood nor did it make us unnecessarily worry about money. We just came to know what was MOST important - that the family survives! And, to this day, I have no qualms or questions about what's most important! Your kids will be fine! ;)
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 42
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I can't kick them out, they have a baby
Posted: 5/7/2009 4:57:54 AM
My children were not raised with me doing everything for them. I wasn't raised that way and as a matter of fact I think my kids have had more responsibilities than I did because my mother worked inside the home (she had her own upholstery shop in our garage) whereas I have always worked outside of the home, sometimes two jobs, one full time and one part time just to hold things together. All of my children including the oldest know how to cook (at least simple meals) because I will have them help with supper and then at a point when I think they can handle it cook it themselves or with their siblings. They take turns washing clothes, doing dishes and cleaning bathrooms and such. There are no gender lines drawn around here. The difference between my oldest son and my other children is that he has always been more susceptible to outside influences, mainly what his friends were doing and pressuring him to do. My ex-husband also set a horrible example. He abused drugs the last few years of our marriage and I suspect that my ex smoked weed with my son.

Yes, how you are raised is a big determining factor in what kind of adult a person becomes but a young adult does not always choose to live as he was taught. My 17 year old son is the complete opposite of my oldest. He makes good grades, is active in our church youth group, does not smoke or do drugs and makes his own spending money by providing computer repair services. He has seen my ex and his older brother as the bad examples they are and chooses not to follow in their footsteps. These boys were raised the same. Their personal choices have made them very different people.
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