Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Straddling the fence      Home login  
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 21
Straddling the fencePage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
From what I know of you, OP you're smarter than this. But I can understand the attraction. I think you know quite well that he is not as he appears to be trying to be. Shut the relationship down and find someone else. You'll be happier and more content. Maybe less sexually satisfied but happier and less confused.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 9:50:39 AM
He also just got out of a dead end 5 year relationship about four months ago. He cheated on her. Repeatedly. Admitted that he had only lived with her for the free room and board

Bethlet, I know that perhaps you hate my guts or something like that. So I am going to be as nice as possible telling you this.
What this guy did to the previous one, he will do it again. Part of it is his brutal honesty about it. If you didn't tell him to go to hell right away, he knows that you will put up with even more.

The other problem is this. His pathology is almost exactly the same that one happened to a person I know. The guy said he loved her repeatedly, the guy would appear and disappear, they guy was extremely good looking and very good at convincing women to do everything for him, he would also disappear, but when they moved together (and actually married), became a control freak, not allowing her to have friends, yet he could not get a job.

The control evolved into abuse, mental and later on physical abuse. Finally when she decided to leave him, he stabbed her.

You are dealing here with a person who uses women. Who is abusive. Abuses drugs and alcohol. Does not have a job. This person not only will use you, he will destroy the essence of you and to do that will use the appear and disappear act, the I love you today, but not tomorrow, but then again.

The only thing you can do with this individual is to stay way from him. Every pretense to be even friends will lead to use and manipulation. So good luck.

We pretend to think that horrors only happen in movies, but they are all too real and frequent in real life. This is your chance to get way and enjoy the good memories and move on.
Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 23
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:15:00 AM

Don't date convicts...ex or otherwise. If they're on paper, run like the wind!

Ex-convicts deserve love, don't they? I have had and have friends who've spent time in the slammer. Depends on the crimes...they aren't serial killers, rapists or child molesters. My feeling is they've paid their debt to society.
I'm not going to judge someone and avoid them like the plague for being punished for a possession rap of a single joint when they were young and stupid.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 24
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 3:52:57 PM
LOL! You guys rock. I know many of you recognize me from before, and yes you are shaking your heads in disbelief. Of all the people, I'm the least likely, right?

Well hell.

I need to delete this thread HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Nah, this is good info for others to read. Its also good to know that even Hard Hearted Hannah's like myself and others on here can actually be as stupid as anyone else. And for those of you telling me to run? He already did. HE did the running ladies and gentlemen. He dumped ME. There are no calls to return. Now, as to WHY he dumped me, we'll never know. Maybe its for all the reasons weve discussed...or maybe it was just because he really feels that he does not have to communicate with someone on any level in any way. Maybe years in jail made him very protective of his freedom. Or...maybe he's all the things that have been mentioned. I think the part that is bothering me the most is that I'll NEVER KNOW....

So that is why I was confused and asked for opinions. Because if he was trying to get something, he sure gave up early.

So maybe he saw that I was going to be more trouble than I was worth. Or maybe he just didn't like me. It IS possible, you know. And maybe he just did a really crummy classless job of ending things...

Either way, I hate secrets.

Especially when I'm the target.
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 25
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 3:54:49 PM
Re: Msg 58

When I have proof that they aren't still doing stupid things that could get them in trouble, maybe I'll change my mind.

How do you prove a negative???

Every former imate I've ever met (and there are tons) have yet to change their stripes.

So you don't date them, you just meet them??? What's up with that?

Beth, glad you have come to your senses and realized that this man has much more wrong with him than just a police record. Quit being so concerned over a man's appearance (this one and the hunky Italian) and be more concerned with who he is inside. Give me a man who is gorgeous on the inside. That's where it really matters.

Good to have you back again, Beth!
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 26
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:19:02 PM
"The OP is a grown woman accepting an ex-con/molester/cheater/semi-jobless man because he's hot and good in bed?"

Ummm NO. Nowhere does it say he was a molester. It says HE was molested as a child.

As for the rest...I guess the answer was yes....and he was charismatic and intelligent. Do you think a smart grown woman would be taken in by nothing more than a penis and a face? Nope. It took a lot of really crafty words as well.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 27
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:29:40 PM
"Bethlet, I know that perhaps you hate my guts or something like that. So I am going to be as nice as possible telling you this.
What this guy did to the previous one, he will do it again. Part of it is his brutal honesty about it. If you didn't tell him to go to hell right away, he knows that you will put up with even more."

Outmind, I don't hate anyone's guts. I don't even hate HIS guts. And I don't hate yours.

Thank you for the post. I found it well thought out and pertinent. I appreciate the information and the advice.

Now, back away slowly...........lololol
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 28
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:29:56 PM
When someone showes you who they are, believe them the first time.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 5:52:05 PM
You're kidding right? Enjoy the drama or find someone suitable to date, what other choices do you think there are?
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 6:21:26 PM
I'm thinking you fell off the fence and hit your head.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 31
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 7:19:07 PM
Rockman seems to think he can see into my life and my computer. He is wrong. Perhaps someone has raked him through the mud on here at some time.

The person in this post IS NOT ON POF.

I repeat

And Rockman is obviously NOT man enough to admit when he f's up and makes a fool of himself.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who F up and stay to face the music (ME)

and those who F up and RUN

I guess we know which type Mr. R. is....
Joined: 10/7/2007
Msg: 32
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 8:54:43 PM
This man is dating/sleeping with someone else. When he won't answer the phone for days in a row, surely you realize that.

I dated a man several years ago. He was young, very good looking, great in bed, etc. Women wanted him like crazy. Some nights he would tell me that he feel asleep early, and that's why he didn't call/answer his phone. He has a hard physical job and works long hours, so I would buy this. Guess what? He was seeing other women. What's funny is I know his sister, and he also tells his current girlfriend that he falls asleep all the time. His sister (who talks to him daily and lives near him) tells me that is what he tells her when he's with someone else. He uses the same excuses with her, and like me, she buys them. He's constantly cheating on her, and she keeps thinking that he really loves her!

This guy has loser written all over him. I know you're smarter than this! Lose his number and refuse contact with him. Be prepared for him to try to suck you back in. Move on with your life. Definitely don't let good looks and good sex keep you with a loser. There are too many good guys out there for that!
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 33
Straddling the fence
Posted: 4/30/2009 10:07:30 PM
I know, I know.

Thanks everyone for the kicks in the butt. :)

We all need a good embarrassment now and then. Reminds us that we are human. Hey, this is my FIRST cuckolding! I made it like 50 some years without succumbing to any cuckolding, I'm still pretty proud of that accomplishment, LOLOL. And hey, it was less than a two month cuckolding! Ok, fine, it should have been shorter.

But I DID get some great a$$ out of it. *ducks* I'm sorry. That was both irreverent and bad. Lord, I apologize for that right there....

Hode you me.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 34
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/1/2009 9:40:13 AM
Well, see, Spontaneous Guy..thats the crux of the issue. Maybe its easy for guys to find someone around the corner to "knock their socks off". I dunno. Maybe guys are easier to please than women. But I have only met two men in my entire LIFE that actually "knocked my socks off"...and this guy was one of them. HAHAH GO THE HELL FIGURE THAT ONE!

So finding guys around the corner that will knock my socks off is not a reality.

I need to reassess my sock thing. It took a frigging GRIFTER to knock my socks off?


Things that make you go "hmmmm"
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 35
view profile
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/1/2009 12:48:03 PM
Don't kid yourself, I don't believe that it's any easier for men to find someone to 'knock their socks' off anymore than it is for women.

I know that you’re full of self-doubt, questioning how you could have done this… yada, yada, yada….But you know, I really kind of see what you did to be something kind of brave.

You were open to a new direction…going for someone completely against type on much of what many would consider the deal breaker stuff.

Yes…in the end it wasn’t the right guy. Yes his past is checkered etc, etc., etc., But in truth, you could be exactly in the same spot as you are now with Mr. oh-so-Perfect as well. I'm sure you had some hindsight moments niggling along the way---and you still went for it.

You went for passion.

I have a quote in my profile from Erica Jong that I love and it's something that I use to remind myself to be open and to risk.

So what’s the real harm here?

Joined: 7/18/2007
Msg: 36
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/2/2009 12:16:52 AM

She was out for the ego boost and sex. And got both!
Yet people are seeing her as some type of victim!

The OP admits openly that she made a mistake in judgement willingly. She doesn't come across as a victim to me, far from it. It's not her fault how others perceive her post Rock.
So she went for great sex, and an ego boost? Is that a crime?
To knock someone out in a fair fight is one thing, but to keep kicking them in the head after the lights are out, is quite another matter.
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 37
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/2/2009 2:21:22 AM
Again, thank you all.

One thing I'd like to mention - its about the "Low Self Esteem" thing....

TRUE that most of the time the people that allow themselves to get cuckolded are people with low self esteem...however, the reverse can also be true...

In this case, I'm probably the opposite of low self esteem. In fact, I get plenty of "hits" and reject a lot of people. I am, to a point, a little "full of myself", as those who know me and (check out a previous poster's seeming overreaction with vehemence to my posts?) have dealt negatively with me before will attest to. I can come off as egotistical....

It was part of that egotistical pride that CAUSED me to feel safe enough to ignore red flags. Like I said...I listened to the story, fell for the pathos, and thought, "Well, I'm WAY smarter and WAY better than the low self esteem women he has targeted. Not only will he not be able to keep himself from adoring me..but also I am sooooo smart there is no way he's going to be able to get under my skin. "

I felt OVERconfident in my abilities.

Fortunately, like I said....I managed to get a handle on it once I figured out what exactly was going on. Overconfidence and smugness can be just as damaging as low self esteem.

Just sayin'

And yes, this is retrospection at its best and most honest. I do it in hopes that it will help others.....Not looking for pity. :)
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 38
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/3/2009 6:02:43 PM
A previous poster wrote : "See how nice has nothing to do with it? "

As one other poster already picked up on, he WAS nice at the outset. Aunt Emily said:
"I don't think this proves that nice has nothign to do with it. The op seems to have seen him as a reformed bad boy and initially he seems to have played nice with her. And when he stopped playing nice is when she got the wind up."

You are right, Aunt Emily. He was MORE than nice. He was the nicest OF the nice. He was SOOOOO nice that the first thing he did was confide about how BAD he used to be and how NICE he was going to be from now on.


And he was also gorgeous, complimentary, great in bed.


You would not overlook a lack of work in this recession?
You would not overlook did prison a long time ago and is trying to reform his life, and APPEARS to be doing so?

You might.

I did.

Where I STOPPED overlooking was the first weekend he disappeared without a trace....and then TOTALLY stopped overlooking the weekend he stood me up for Easter. After that, it was all downhill.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, he called me last Friday because I think he was a little afraid of me since I did NOT "react" the same way the last few women he's screwed over did (you know..the basic "dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carved my name into the leather seats.....took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed big holes in all four tires...etc etc...maybe next time he'll think before he cheats...." country Western song)....I just sent him a derogatory email or two, and then walked away. He'd been waiting for the next shoe to fall...

And when he did call, I ignored his calls, didn't answer his instant messages....but finally decided to hear what he had to say. What he had to say was to find out what was going to be my plan of action and to give me a fake "I'm sorry, I am just not cut out for a relationship, I tried, I REALLY tried....and Beth you are just too adversarial"

I get pissed when i get stood up.
I get even more pissed when I'm lied to.
And hell...screw me over and I get REALLY pissed...

Yeah. I'd say I'm adversarial. Uh huh.

What a piece of work.
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39
view profile
Straddling the fence
Posted: 5/5/2009 9:05:02 PM
i think you should seek serious therapy. all this because he is good looking? you've got to be kidding me. please, seek help and i'm not trying at all to be funny. if you find a good guy, who is not that "good in bed", but willing to learn, well then just teach him. there is way more to a relationship than what you are describing. just reading all this makes me cringe and feel very sad.

ps okay now i read the rest of your posts. sorry, i just don't buy it, although not sure it was a conscious thing on your part. others seem to know you better. me? i think if you felt sorry for his childhood, that would not necessitate being sexual with him. i think you have more layers of your onion to peel.

your profile is hidden, so i really don't have all the pieces, except what you wrote. what you wrote is a description of a man i certainly would never want to date. i am a fost/adopt mom and i know what it's like to take on a child like this man. but to date him? in his present situation and persona? no way.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Straddling the fence