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 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 81
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?Page 7 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
good question; and the answer for me is no way; I want a relationship where the couple is the focus; disabled kids are a lifelong commitment; I would never do it;

I feel for those parents but I would not get into it.
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 87
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/9/2009 7:06:35 PM

p.s.
My new name is A.P.E. for short.

WTF??? LOL

"There are many things to be shared with the Four Colors of humanity in our common destiny as one with our Mother the Earth. It is this sharing that must be considered with great care by the Elders and the medicine people who carry the Sacred Trusts, so that no harm may come to people through ignorance and misuse of these powerful forces."
Be careful with that damn time machine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 92
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/10/2009 8:44:05 PM
I did date a girl with a disabled kid brother. She knows he will be her responsibility till the end of their days. I had no problem with that. Since I no longer see her today, I believe I was meant to date her for a while so that her brother can have a new friend. We still hang out, her brother and I, oddly enough. And she... she is now close friends with some friends I introduced her to when we were dating. Sometimes, we are meant to be instruments of other people's improvement. She now has new exercise buddies and her brother still has his friend in me. :)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 94
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/10/2009 9:15:15 PM
I would also disagree that Ms. Kingsley was saying the dreams were shmashed, dented definitely, but she changed the dream. She is saying that her destination is altered but that a small part of her heart longs for what she imagined. Most of us experience this to a certain degree, that is probably one of the reasons that Sweetness posted it. With our marriages, what we want for our kids, what we wished for in the relationship with our kids, it is all to a certain extent rerouting from Italy. So people should have some degree of empathy and understanding because they cannot have gotten through their adult lives without having to give up or alter a dream.

I was totally ill-prepared to have a baby, despite all of the reading and physically preparing the home for the birth. I think having a newborn leaves most of us looking like junkies rather than the radiant women basking in the halo of new motherhood so often advertised by Johnson and Johnson. I wonder if we didn't experience the trials and the joys with every stage of development, would we love our children so fiercely? Does the family whose daughter winds up pregnant senior year of high school and has to postpone college or take several years longer completing it not love their daughter? They certainly do ever bit as much and usually love the baby to bits but there is still sorrow for what might have been.

My friend whose daughter was put in a chair by a car accident certainly grieved the experiences she thought her daughter would have and those that she would share in like having grandchildren. She doesn't love her daughter less but there are moments when I am sure that she aches for what could have been.

I joke with my kids that I have put too much time and money into them to survive losing them but when it gets down to it, it has never been the perfect moments of our lives that have left us so enmeshed that time, distance and even death will ever part us but the things that went wrong. No one else they will ever encounter or will have the same experiences they will have before they go out into the world. Some people cut and run but those that remain are pretty much super-glued.

If someone with any type of child whether he has no physical or mental challenges, or has one or the other or both, if you didn't occasionally experience those moments when you wished you lived in the Cleaver house you would not be normal. The more important component of what Sweetness quoted is that she dicovered that Holland had its own unique joys and that in the final anlysis it was just different than Italy. There was also clear implication that people are missing something if they only visit Italy. The distinct joy of experiencing life through a child's eyes and unbridled love for those around them.
 wings on my butt
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 97
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/11/2009 7:22:33 AM

I thought being a parent IS a lifelong commitment. What would you do? Kick your kid out of the house at eighteen, and NEVER see them again?



Yes indeed if you are a parent then you will always be a parent however your roles as parent is naturally supposed to change as your children grow and become adults and possibly parents themselves. A child is not supposed to be a child forever and depend on you forever as a small child does. No I will not kick my kids out at 18 but once out of school if they want to still live with me they will have to pay rent, and even then it's not a situation I would allow to go on forever. Little birds need to leave the nest.
 kotu1111
Joined: 7/26/2007
Msg: 102
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/14/2009 4:08:19 PM
well if you are going to date someone with disabled kids you had better be aware of a possibility of a lifetime commitment...so if you REALLY care for someone then go for it but if not you should be honest and up front with them..
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 103
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/14/2009 6:32:17 PM
I also have a disabled daughter. I have met people who didn't care but there are many that do. I guess I understand it but I'm with you- I lose some respect for them. I know it sounds canned but children with disabilities can teach you a lot. You can't really feel sorry for yourself when you see how hard they try to accomplish things most people take for granted.

But there are always people that judge based on appearances and will never take the opportunity to look beyond those. It's their loss though.

Yep- raising children with differences can be tiring- but it's well worth it.

The funny thing about disabilities is that one day we all will be there....
 sunseeker
Joined: 2/20/2009
Msg: 104
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/14/2009 6:40:47 PM
My daughter is 21. She has a physical disability only. She uses a wheelchair to get around. But she graduated from college and is learning to drive. She lives with me but she does pay rent. It helps us both out. She tries to be as independent as possible. Unfortunately she can't find any open minded guys that want to date her- or she would gladly move out and be on her own. For now- this is the best option for both of us.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 109
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/15/2009 10:23:09 AM
Annie Oakley, let's say for argument's sake that the accident left the person a parapalegic so that they could get around themselves in a wheel chair and take care of themselves after they make the adjustments necessary and learn how to function without legs. To make this easier let's presume a relatively normal sex life is also part of the equation.


But say you weren't attached enough to say, move in together, but you did love the person and could see yourself planning a life around being with them but WHAM!!
They are disabled.

First, I would probably say that if I am potentially planning a life with someone then I am attached enough to cohabitate but in the early stages, believe it is more prudent to wait and ensure that neither of us is moving the relationship forward prematurely. The level of commitment is not defined by my address.

That said, while I can't guarantee that I wouldn't cut and run, I would stay. I was married very young to a good man who was a screw up. Divorce was his choice, I didn't feel at the time that every effort had been expended in making that marriage work. Second marriage to a stable person in terms of work/finances was a nightmare with a bipolar partner.

The lessons from both these relationships was that love is only enough if both people are putting in an effort and I would be a fool to pass up a wonderful man who was everything I wanted in a person and whom I was either in love with or falling hard because he had a medical condition that would make life more complicated.

Perhaps I have been fortunate to have a friend who has led a very full life, more living than a lot of people without any physical challenges, while sitting down. For the most part, that is the only difference between the life that most of us lead because she doesn't see herself as crippled. She was very lucky that her mother never allowed anyone in her family to treat her like a cripple so she never developed any type of victim mentality.

Yes she gets frustrated and it ticks her off that people treat her like she is a part of the chair but she doesn't dwell on those things but chooses to focus on all of the positives in her life. She has been married twice, three kids, several grandchildren and one great grandchild. She has had several successful careers and frankly has a more active social life than I do.

You ask OP about what the healthy person would do and if for the most part the man didn't change in other ways I believe I would stay; difficulty and challenges do not scare me. But what if the man becomes totally bitter because of the changes in his life and refuses to make the adjustments necessary to lead as full a life as he is able?

Others have posted, due largely to personal experience, that it wasn't the child or the disability that drove them away, it was the parent. Some parents do not have a positive attitude and it isn't a matter of things getting them down occasionally but their overall attitde about life and the hand they were dealt.

The same would be true of a partner who was not only facing the changes that this meant but potentially watching someone they love become somewhat surly so that they truly feel alone. Is someone supposed to stay under those circumstances even if they are married?
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 111
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/15/2009 2:05:29 PM
I'd probably not go into a situation of this type - though it would depend on the type and degree of disability involved. However, if it happened after I'd made a commitment, then I'd stay. It would be the same for an SO - and in fact my SO became disabled about two years into our relationship, but it's still by far the best relationship I've ever had and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
 A.P.E.
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 119
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/20/2009 7:11:27 AM

The irony here is that you won't date women over 45. We all have our limitations. And hun, why do I know about your profile because I was going to email you to fill you in. You are shaking your head at the woman that had to move into a one story house...yeah, that's right, one day I am capable of running and the next day I can't wash my hair. So shake your head at yourself. You are single because you obviously judge those you don't know.


You would do well to differentiate between "irony" and hypocrisy. That one story house comment was completely uncalled for.

Also
"You are single because you obviously judge those you don't know."

Pot please meet the kettle. Whilst you both have the same color, she may judge you for yours. For all you know, he wont date a woman that old, because that is when health problems menopause, etc begin popping up, and he would require a strong person to assist him.

So before you go about being "ironic" you may wanna consider that.
 A.P.E.
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 123
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/20/2009 10:14:34 AM
???How was it uncalled for. I had to move from a very nice cape cod to a one story. One day I could run and the next I couldn't. Now explain to me what is uncalled for. As I stated, this man shaking his head at me when I was describing what I have lived through...

I tried to email this man to explain this to him as he was shaking his head judging me because I described what I have lived through and he won't even accept emails from women over 45. He judges those he doesn't know. As I stated, everyone has their preferences and it is quite offensive to me that he judged me for knowing I couldn't deal with someone with certain limitations or required anything from me that would be physical.

Please check my profile, it clearly states I am in a relationship. NO pot, I am involved...not looking, I have found.

And again, this isn't supposed to be a pity me thread, it is supposed to be about dating parents of children with challenges. I have clearly stated it depends on the parent and how they dealt with it which includes their time.



My apologies madame, I was assuming you were saying that you wouldn't move into a 1 story house. My apologies again.
And my heart goes out to you

However the kettle pot thing was completely unrelated..you are judging him as well..


also, for fukc's sake! As many people here that ask for pity for BS relationship crap, I think it is a bit crazy for someone to say not to give pity to the disabled.

 biscuitttt
Joined: 2/21/2009
Msg: 124
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/21/2009 4:14:39 AM
I would like to make a few general comments, as a parent of a severely handicapped son. First look at my profile and pictures to get a full understanding.

Finding a mate is most difficult for parents of handicapped children. The ability to get out and mingle is limited. Then actually meeting the mate of your dreams is definitely harder.

Having a special needs child means having a more structured daily routine. For example: wake-up, medications, meals -- they all go at about the same time each day. Many potential mates don't want structure in their lives- they have raised their kids- unfortunatly got divorced and now they want to be free to do whatever without any planning.

I wish to be free and do things without planning, hence I bought an RV and have it loaded and ready to go on a moments notice. Yet I still have to keep the daily rountime for my son in place. If you looked at my pictures, you can see that there isn't much that we don't do together. I don't see it as a big deal to stop 4-wheeling and gives meds, it only takes a few seconds, then jump back on and ride some more.

Some people don't realize how easy it is to live with the harshest of disabilities.

My son is unique with some of his issues- I was trying to explain some of these to a potential mate- however she informed me that I was all WRONG. Mind you, she had only met him 20 minutes earlier. That scares the hell of of parents when someone is so forward as to tell you that you are all wrong and they don't even know the issues!

I am going to save this thread and hopefully write more comments.

I adore all kids and especially those of limits. I am hosting a POF 4-wheeling party on the 4th of July and have dedicated the morning solely to giving handicapped children and adults rides. I did this back in mid April and had a blast-- we hope to have an even greater time on the 4th. Wish all special needs children could come- and their single mom(wink)

God Bless you all
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 128
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 5/31/2009 10:19:37 AM
Meeting up with a online friend doesn't equal commitment & cost-bearing of their special-needs (or otherwise) offspring
~sc~
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 129
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/1/2009 6:08:46 AM

apainlessend seeing as you are the op of this thread I wish you would make the distinction of the severity of this hypothetical disability.



I don't know your point or reasons for asking this as I very clearly said "paralyzed from the neck down(quadriplegic) or badly brain damaged. I left out paraplegic for a very good reason.


You very clearly said you would like the OP to define the type or degree of disability. I made my comment as a scenario upon which to base the discussion because you have a good point, nebulously discussing what you would or would not do in a situation you know nothing about is pretty meaningless for most people because while they might be able to deal with the challenges of a parapalegic, a quad most people couldn't handle.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 132
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/5/2009 6:12:32 AM

Annie Oakley, let's say for argument's sake that the accident left the person a parapalegic so that they could get around themselves in a wheel chair and take care of themselves after they make the adjustments necessary and learn how to function without legs. To make this easier let's presume a relatively normal sex life is also part of the equation.

Annie, I'm not sure why you are beating this horse that has long since been dead but had you quoted or perhaps even read the original comment that I made in it's entirety, perhaps you would have understood that that entire post really had very little to do with you.


I made my comment as a scenario

I was not really speaking to your comment after apparently making a huge error in recognizing the valid point you made. From that point on I was speaking in general terms which I apparently should have delineated so that it could not be misconstrued. I made my comment based on my own thoughts, which I would think would be obvious to anyone, but apparently I was wrong.

You made a valuable comment relative to the nebulous thread being difficult for many people to respond to, why you perceive anything I said after that, when I specifically said for argument's sake, was directed at you I really don't know other than your inability to grasp that I thought you made a point in your post.

I set up a premise, you don't have to agree with it, consider it, or do anything else with it; it was there as a point of discussion for anyone posting to this thread. It remains as a point of discussion for anyone wishing to use it, you obviously don't so the point of continuing to question it is what exactly?
 TOMic bomb
Joined: 10/5/2008
Msg: 133
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/5/2009 7:20:59 AM
it takes an exceptional person to join a family where there are disabled. my 2 neighbors have autistic and special children. the autistic will need personal care for life. the special boy has his own set of problems. you have to have the spirit, self sacrifice and commitment to get involved in this. i know i personally do not.
 canhebemine
Joined: 4/20/2008
Msg: 134
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/11/2009 6:36:39 PM
I have a child that has down syndrome....and we all love her to death.If they can't except her first sincerly...I would'nt date them anyway.They need super super aids...lol!
 Andrew Wiggen
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 135
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/13/2009 7:18:52 AM
Super Aids? What are you people talking about? I'm going to scroll back through this thread. I don't know how I missed it.
 4UMaybe
Joined: 8/3/2007
Msg: 136
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/13/2009 8:35:25 AM
I believe some people just cannot handle situations like special needs kids, care of elderly parents etc. Some people can and then there are those unique people in the world that handle it with grace.I cannot fault someone for being in the first category.
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 147
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:02:07 PM
i find that men don't want the responsibility or to get serious with a person who has a disabled child. they only want the "candy on their arm and the sex at the end of the night"
i sound harsh but so far i have not seen any man step up to the plate and offer any form of kindness to my family. they only come with one intention~try to get booty.
rude but true.
 Florida_Or_Bust
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 150
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:34:45 PM
That would depend on a few things... depends on how things are being handled. In some cases there isn't as much difference in dating a parent of a disabled child vs dating the parent of a typical child.

For me it would depend a lot on how the childs parents were handling the disability to begin with. If I am walking into a household where the disability is an EXCUSE... then most likely I would have very little interest in getting involved.

I know that sounds harsh but to put it into perspective. I have a child with Downs Syndrome ( I usually don't really see it as a disability though I guess it is huh? LOL)

And frankly I won't put up with excuses. The diagnosis is an explanation for certain behavior but does not necessarily excuse it. For example... she is tiny.. so she looks more like 4 that pushing 7. And sometimes she thinks its ok to behave that way but I still expect when we go into the grocery store that she will behave appropriately. I get the dirtiest looks from people who think she is younger than she is and that I am expecting too much.

I guess I just have a thing about under estimating a childs potential. That would make me insane. And if it was a situation where the kid was being written off cause of their disability and nobody was willing to put the time and the effort in to help that child be the best that they could be I don't think I could do it.

So for me its more about the environment than ability vs disability.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 155
Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 2/8/2010 10:05:15 AM
I'm sort of in a rush but this thread catched my eye...

Yes, I have dated a woman with twin, teenage daughters (age 19) and one of them is in a wheelchair and can't really do much at all. The other one can move, do things on her own, etc., but she needs help from others (mainly her mother). In other words, they're not "normally" gifted. Was that a problem? Well, although I broke off with her it was for other reasons - I couldn't trust her, she lied, etc. Anyway, if somebody's going to date a man or woman with disabled children it definitely requires more understanding than one with normal kids. They need a lot of attention and that itself can strain a relationship. He or she will often be tired and it's a 24 hour responsibility. Also, both were living with her and that obviously didn't make it much easier. The one in the wheelchair did have personal assistance but there's still a lot.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 158
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Would you date a person with DISABLED CHILDREN?
Posted: 2/8/2010 5:13:11 PM
I don't think the "curse" should NOT be limited to only those with "disabled children"...but all young children. (I exclude teens because they're not as likely to become attached).

I've been raising my grandchildren for 4 years (now ages 6 and 9) and they've only ever met 1 of my dates. Having already lost their Mother, Father and brother....I'm sure as hell not going to allow them to form an attachment to any man who's not going to be around after they do. They'd suffered enough loss in their lives already.

This is something that ALL parents (grandparents) should give careful thought to.
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