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 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 11
Do you leave when the all has gone?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Oh great .....

Now I need to love flea markets and garage sales
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 12
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 9:06:12 AM
Well, Dave, if your life is so full and so good, why even bother with a partner? Or, just find someone who's happy with occasional FWB-type benefits. Or even find a fvck buddy.

If you actually want a relationship, then yes, you do need all those things on the comprehensive list, because the relationship will become the dominant focus of your life, and the other friends and activities will become secondary. If you want to keep those other people and activities as major parts of your life, your new relationship partner is going to have to be a part of at least some of them, so had better share those interests and attitudes and values. It's called "compatibility"!
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 13
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 9:07:36 AM

My question is if ones life is so great and the only thing missing is someone for intimate moments why all the other “must haves”? I understand wanting the person to be self-supporting and not being on the FBI’s Most Wanted list but I’m talking about interests and activities and personal views.

So...what are the "intimate moments", Dave~??? I mean...is dinner together an intimate moment? What about taking a walk? Shopping? Is a movie date an intimate moment? Is working together to help a child through a difficult time an intimate moment?

You wrote this as if intimate moments were about sex (at least that's the impression you gave me) and not emotional or intellectual intimate moments. In truth, I think intimate moments is another way of saying "When I need someone"...for example...if you narrowly avoid a major car accident, who's the first person you think of calling? Or if you got some major kudos or a nice bonus/recognition, who do you want to share that with? And most people have far more of these 2 and 5 and 20 minute needs for emotional or intellectual intimacy than just getting hot and sweaty and getting your O over with before rolling over and falling asleep.


How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?

Is the current thinking that one may as well go after it all because when the "all" ends one simply finds another relationship?

The all you describe is a red-herring...but of course you knew that when you wrote this post. The all is basically the point in which the preponderance of the evidence tells you this is no longer the relationship you want to be in. As in my post above...if she had kept to 2-3 cigarettes a day, I'd wager we'd have been together longer. How much? I don't know, but that accounted for some percentage of the overall dissatisfaction. Ditto her poor body image...cute girl but stuck in a world of drab browns and olives and grays because she was afraid to draw attention to herself, so even though she looked great in reds and yellows and greens and blues, it was a major confrontation to get her to even consider it...and she doesn't need that stress any more than I needed to give it).

Perhaps the better word/concept is "Tipping Point"...IOW, at what point do the behaviors accumulate to a point where your heart goes from the "In Love" state to the "I like her" state and finally to the "I'd rather not spend time with her" state. We know the rabid "In Love" state is difficult to maintain past the infatuation stage. And we know the "I Like Her" is always at risk because of...
...(a) disagreements, fights, etc.
...(b) family/work/lifestyle diffferences
...(c) competing interests...whether it be another woman, a hobby, work, etc....IOW, for a time it draws you in.
And the "I Like Her" state isn't that far from the "Tipping Point" where the like turns to "Ehhhh, not so much anymore". But that's definitely not the "ALL"...I believe for any of us.

 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 14
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 5:00:19 PM
I've tried to address the questions folks have asked so you'll know I didn't just post and disappear. It might be a good idea to grab a coffee before you start reading.


(Msg 12) She's a really good person, and I can definitely see her being right for somebody, but what I got told going in didn't stack up to the reality of day-to-day living. And the more I tried to discuss these things with her the worse it got. When she smoked she would go to the corner of the garage. When her job got stupid, she cowered and refused to deal with the issues. She wanted to eat almost the exact same thing every night. Showers together never happened. Anything other than very soft music or the sound of her turning pages in a book was an intrusion.


I'll start by saying you're definitely more patient than I.

It sounds like your problem was two-fold. First, you weren't properly informed. The smoking was an outright lie on her part. The second thing is it appears she had some nervous/mental condition taking into consideration her reaction to her job along with being irritable regarding intrusions. I was referring to more "normal" differences.

What I was addressing was something like her reaction to being outside. If that was the sole problem the solution would be to not invite her to the games. While you may wish your partner attend the games if other things were fine you could look forward to a nice dinner together, for example. My point being if you don't have a partner you would go to the games alone anyway plus you wouldn't have someone with whom to share dinner.


(Msg 18) I don't have to have all the exact same things in common with someone, but they have to understand and support my life and vice versa. If we both have full lives when meeting and a couple things in common (and the rest aren't dealbreakers to who we are as people) then I don't see why it can't work.

Then again I don't feel someone has to be with me all the time, or has to do things I like he hates, and the opposite applies. My relationships are more like we both have days we do our own thing and throw a couple days in there where we do things together - not necessarily the same things, but in the same space...


Exactly! That’s why I mentioned the skiing and the swimming/reading. If at home one can be outside gardening while the other is inside trying a new recipe or watching TV. Or go shopping while their partner is in the yard.

When my partner and I first met we took turns staying at each others home and that’s exactly what we did. For example, I’d go to her home and watch TV while she did her laundry and cleaning. The next night she would come to my home and bring some work from the office while I did my housework or watched TV or washed the car. It was all about finding comfort being ourselves while still being together.


(Msg 19) You have to have things in common.. not everything, but you've got to share some of the same interests or it wont work.. one of you will want to do something and the other wont.. then you start looking for people who want to do those things with you.. friends, family.. whatever... and you drift apart and start fighting alot...


I agree couples have to have some things in common. My question was directed more towards those who say they “want it all”. Let’s say two 25 year olds get together. They sought each other out because they thoroughly enjoy rollerblading. They wouldn’t consider someone who didn’t like rollerblading. What is going to happen when they’re 35 and 45?

The point is we all change our activities. The thread is not so much about needing to enjoy someactivities as it is about people wanting a partner who enjoys many activities.


(Msg 22) Well, Dave, if your life is so full and so good, why even bother with a partner? Or, just find someone who's happy with occasional FWB-type benefits. Or even find a fvck buddy.


That’s precisely my point. If ones life is so full why do they require a partner to have so many specific qualities as it appears the time spent with the partner will be limited.


If you actually want a relationship, then yes, you do need all those things on the comprehensive list……


I agree if ones life is not so full. If one prefers to spend their time with one person as opposed to a number of different friends then I can understand that. I was never one to say being single was great. It stank! Neither my partner nor myself had what one would call a busy life nor were we social butterflies. It's like s0me people prefer crowds and others prefer one-on-one relationships.

That said we still only required compatibility in a few major areas. For example, do we want to live in the country or city? Do you like apartment living or having our own home?

For us we decided on a home. When it came to money my partner and I kept our finances separate with a joint account for home expenses. As long as the home expenses were paid and neither one of us ran up a debt how we spent our money was an individual choice.

Our movie preference were different. We dealt with that by alternating the type of movie we would see. If it was my turn we would see an action movie and I paid. If it was her turn we'd see a romance movie and she'd pay.

The same applied to restaurants and even vacations. One time we'd go where my partner wanted and the next time where I wanted. An example of compromise was when we'd go south for a month in the winter. I preferred to drive and my partner preferred the plane. Three days compared to 3 or 4 hours. No problem. I left a few days earlier, stopped to visit a friend on the way and met my partner at the airport the following week at our final destination. After spending a month together she'd drive back with me. (No, I didn't pick up any hitchhikers.)

For those who claim a full life I don’t understand why one would continue to live a single life waiting for the partner who can offer it “all” when part of the “all” can be fulfilled by others. Let’s say one of the things a person enjoys by having a partner is when they come home from work they can either both cook dinner together or take turns and then dine together. Every day they are going to miss that. No one is going to replace that "time slot".

Then we have the Saturday afternoon ball game. We’ve been single for while and we always go with our friends. Why is it so important our partner join us to the extent we will sacrifice the dinners until we find someone who enjoys ball games?


(Msg 23) You wrote this as if intimate moments were about sex (at least that's the impression you gave me) and not emotional or intellectual intimate moments. In truth, I think intimate moments is another way of saying "When I need someone"...for example...if you narrowly avoid a major car accident, who's the first person you think of calling? Or if you got some major kudos or a nice bonus/recognition, who do you want to share that with? And most people have far more of these 2 and 5 and 20 minute needs for emotional or intellectual intimacy than just getting hot and sweaty and getting your O over with before rolling over and falling asleep.


I agree with you. What I don't understand is what does a partner showing interest in a near accident or a promotion at work have to do with enjoying similar activities or holding similar views. If a person cares about you they will be interested. I don't see the connection as far as intimacy is concerned. They can dislike ball games and smoke like a chimney. That does not have any bearing on how they care about you or the level of intimacy. (Perhaps I've missed your point?) One is going to be interested in their partner’s experiences, joys and sorrows, without necessarily liking to do the same activities.


(Msg 23) Ditto her poor body image...cute girl but stuck in a world of drab browns and olives and grays because she was afraid to draw attention to herself, so even though she looked great in reds and yellows and greens and blues, it was a major confrontation to get her to even consider it...and she doesn't need that stress any more than I needed to give it).


I assume you’re talking figuratively? If not, what in the world did you ever see in her? If you literally were telling her how to dress it’s no wonder the poor gal increased her cigarette intake from 2-3 to a pack a day. You must have drove the “sweet thang” to a nervous breakdown!


(Msg 27) If my life was perfect, I wouldn't have a need to be here. I just can't imagine life being "perfect"...it doesn't even make sense to me.

I think some just say this because they want everyone to think "I don't need you but I want you there".


Good point. I don’t see anything wrong with folks who want someone there all the time and I don’t see anything wrong with those who want their own space. Who I don’t understand is the person who desires a partner but never seems to find one appropriate resulting in never having any of the benefits of a partner.


(Msg 28)
And my ALL is an impossible man. There is no such thing. Who would expect anyone to live up to that?

Haven't read what many are seeking in there profiles, have you?...


That’s exactly it!
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 15
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 5/20/2009 11:00:30 PM
j!dub great posts.

I personally think it is a healthy balance of having common interests, seperate interests and a desire to share both. Once the infatuation/newness of a relationship wears off, you have to have common interests/goals/values etc. in order to keep yourself connected on a basic level, but you also have to have something to share of yourself that the other wants to try/share/experience with you.... to keep things fresh and interesting.

I think most if not all here would say that having a good life means they are okay being alone, but would like to share life with someone else... if its a quality addition to their lives...
 greenskye2014
Joined: 7/6/2014
Msg: 16
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 10:07:00 AM
Common sense says yes you should leave. But the heart might have a bigger influence on that decision than common sense does. You have to go with your heart I believe.
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 17
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 10:56:55 AM
Seems to me that so many are so busy they only have a few scraps of time left , basically they don't even have close the time available that a relationship requires . They are looking for a relationship when they have spare time , Unfortunately a relationship doesn't exist very well under those circumstances . if at all . Then they wonder why they can not find some one .
 babiebird
Joined: 10/20/2014
Msg: 18
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 11:41:17 AM
As posted by demidar.......
They are looking for a relationship when they have spare time!
That says it all!
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 19
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 12:06:43 PM
I was asked a few years ago by a man who was trying his best to pick me up, just what was I looking for in a man? I asked him if I could be honest with him, and he answered yes. My answer to him was absolutely nothing. In my 60's, I think that a relationship just isn't worth it.
(This from a women who has had a good marriage.)

I don't think there is anything wrong if we get to the point where we are happy with our single life and don't want to change it.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 20
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 12:28:10 PM

There’s something that’s always puzzled me. People go on and on about how satisfied they are with their life. They have friends. They enjoy activities. They’re not needy financially. They enjoy a variety of activities. They have a full life but they would like a partner to share those intimate moments with.

Hmm. Wine and roses... beauty, sun shining from the sky at all times. Wonderful. Where EXACTLY are these people going on and on about how satisfied they are with their life? Is it on a dating site? Or is it in the line to the supermarket? Getting coffee at the local shop? Do the customers you talk to at work do this all the time? In short, are you talking about a specific subset of people here? Or are you attempting to make us all believe you are talking about a majority of people on the planet in general?

Because if you are talking about women on dating sites... this is something relatively specific. What you are seeing here is someone who wants you to BELIEVE what she says about her life. She wants to TELL you who she is, and TELL you what she does and thinks... so you will never challenge her actions when they contradict her words. No... I am most definitely NOT telling you that all confident women are actually manipulators. What I'm saying is that if you are on a dating site, and you read a woman's profile that makes it all seem like perfect wine and roses... it obviously isn't. She wouldn't be on a dating site if it were.


Then comes the “must have” list. The partner’s activities, their interests, their job, their political views, their likes and dislikes…..it’s as if the person intends to completely end their former life and associate with only the partner.

This is the second half. Women who paint the first picture above, and then paint THIS picture of exactly who they want are telling you that they will only accept this. It means they don't want to accept someone for who they are.... they will only accept someone whom they can mold INTO the man they want. Unfortunately, they will never respect a man they can manipulate so easily.... so any man who answers that ad is doomed to a relationship failure.

Your question is... based on the wrong information. You work with the assumption that the first picture is true. It isn't. That makes the rest of your question very misguided. Think about it. You say...

My question is if ones life is so great and the only thing missing is someone for intimate moments why all the other “must haves”?
but you failed to notice that someone obsessed with being in control was behind writing that profile. Her life isn't so great. There are many things missing. She just doesn't want to you see. She doesn't want you to see that she is attempting to control her man from the very beginning, by showing you she is attempting to control the image you see of her as well as attempting to control the very personality aspects of the man she wants to get involved with.

What you should REALLY be taking away from all of this is... when you see these profiles, no matter how cute the girl is, just keep on flipping through the profiles. If it is legit, you aren't the man for her since if you fit her request you won't complain. If it is not legit, then she is just a narcissist control freak and you are saving yourself a lot of pain.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 21
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 3:30:40 PM
The truth is we know we are not going to get all on the wishlist but we can dream. Online dating sites are full of fantasy and the ideal partner, and of course if we meet someone that we have chemistry with, most of the wishlist goes out the window!!!. Women typically have many more choices than men and don't as a rule have to settle for less than what really interests them.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 22
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 3:31:54 PM
Interesting question OP! but try it the other way round.

Somebody has a job they enjoy which also affords a comfortable lifestyle, interesting hobbies and friends etc…. the only thing missing is a partner, to share it with. All these “must haves” are then geared towards compatibility. Meaning they like their life the way it is and are looking for someone compatible to fit in as they do NOT want to change all the other aspects of their lives.

Meaning the relationship would be like the icing on the cake, they sure want it, yet not at all costs.
The difference between need and want…… where mature relationships should be based on wanting to be with the other person and not needing to be with her/him.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 23
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 7:07:35 PM

Do you leave when the all has gone?


I've never even found the "all" to begin with.


My question is if ones life is so great and the only thing missing is someone for intimate moments why all the other “must haves”?


Because if the rest of their life is so great, they have to have SOMEthing to complain about.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 24
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 8:31:10 PM
I think there's definitely a spectrum between the 'desperate for a relationship' and the 'self absorbed could care less' crowd.

I also think people have a tendency to focus on common interests/lifestyles, when common values (i.e. spending, space, etc.) are just as important. At least IMHO.

Those 'must haves' are conditions where marriage is a possibility. Flings, FWB, LAT's? No must haves required.

I've personally been in situations where I was pretty much told that I didn't check her must have boxes completely. First gal expected me to learn golf while the other expected me to pick up competitive swing dancing.

This was after being intimate with them. I felt like I was being manipulated. I bailed. No thanks.

The 2nd time this happened, I told her that I could tell she viewed me as the guy that's good for now but not forever. She had this shocked look on her face, like a deer in the headlights. I nailed it.

I think both genders quickly decide if someone is 'sex worthy' and it only takes a date or two to decide if someone is long term (i.e. I really see this going the distance) or 'short term' relationship material. Good for now but not the one...

 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 25
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 10:17:24 PM
^^^

And both genders are just as quick to decide to conceal that decision. Guys get a bad rap for it, but women are just as guilty.

Don't string me along if you already know.

I think, sadly, having HONESTY on your list of expectations from a partner is becoming more and more unrealistic.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 26
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 10:27:07 PM
My personal take in regards to OLD is this...

You can be a gentleman without going broke.

If someone is asking about your past asap, move on. They've read a few self help books and figured out that you are not worthy because your parents are divorced.

Men can get sex if they seek or pay attention to a person less attractive then themselves.

Sex is easier then a LTR after 45.

People won't SETTLE but they're still horny.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 27
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/2/2014 11:37:00 PM
They are happy with their lives so they shouldn't have a good idea of the kind of person they want to share it? Did someone say they demand that the person they are looking for must change into this list? Don't you think they are looking for someone who fits this list, not become the list?
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 28
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 6:50:23 AM

Don't string me along if you already know.

I think, sadly, having HONESTY on your list of expectations from a partner is becoming more and more unrealistic.


General comment on this - not directing it to the person who made the statement above specifically.

I've thought a lot about this over the past few years. I read an advice column in the newspaper (yep, I'm old school, I read the newspaper) and one thing that said columnist often says is: 'when you want someone to be honest with you, you have to be someone who ALLOWS honesty, who hears it'.

I've met people who say they want honesty and then DO not handle it when presented with it.

I ended things with a man once who I'd only been seeing ~2 months. I told him I realized we were just not on the right path. He went ballistic. He blew up my phone for over a month (till I blocked him), came by my house un-invited, called me at work so much I had a co-worker answer my phone for awhile. All the while he insisted I'd been lying to him 'the whole time' but the truth is that I let him know I felt like we might not be a good fit several times leading up to the break up.

Also, I fear that, in the past, I was a person who didn't hear the truth 'well'. Someone I was crazy about chose a public venue (outdoor seating at a local restaurant) to tell me he wanted to stop seeing me. I didn't make a loud scene BUT oh! the tears fell. Our poor waiter. Later that evening I am (stillA) somewhat ashamed to admit I REALLY tried talking this guy out of it: more tears, 'please give me another chance', kinda thing. Gah, embarrassing. Luckily I let it go after that evening.

We actually got back together, months later, and he told me how awful that evening was for him. I vowed to not be that person again. I learned, if you want someone to be honest with you, you have to give them the space to be, even if what they are being honest about hurts like h*ll.

And that? Is easier said than done, but it's really the only way this stuff works, at least that is what I've found for myself.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 29
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 1:39:02 PM
I understand your point.

I have a sort of brutal honesty about me. My friends know not to ask me a question they want me to lie about. More often than not, I date someone for a time and they get tired of it. "Does my ass look fat in these jeans?" -Yep. Not to be disrespectful, but because I don't want someone else telling her they do and thereby making me look bad.

Most people can't handle it. It's something I have to...hide. And that's a sad statement. I don't hide it with lies. I either tell someone flat out: "You don't want to hear what I have to say" or I remain silent.

As far as taking honesty. I sat here and thought about it for almost 45 minutes. I can take honesty pretty well. I react badly when honesty's predecessor is a lie. Ie: the person was lying, but NOW they're going to tell me the truth about it.

But I understand why you said it was a General comment. Because
It's something I have to hide


People, in GENERAL, can't handle the truth, and my faith in humanity dwindles a bit more...need to think about something else...like puppies.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 30
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 2:00:31 PM

I can take honesty pretty well. I react badly when honesty's predecessor is a lie. Ie: the person was lying, but NOW they're going to tell me the truth about it.


One thing that I think can be 'challenging' is when one (again, not you, but in general) is dealing with a developing relationship. Sometimes people's feelings CHANGE. None of us have a crystal ball -- even when we are going forward with the best of intentions, we may realize that what we had hoped we'd feel about a person or a relationship didn't pan out.

When someone presents a truth to us that we don't want to hear I think people often go to the place where 'everything they said before was a lie!'. It's hard to know though - maybe their feelings changed? Maybe they were lying?

Different than what you are presenting - oh I lied and now am going to come clean, but sometimes spun that way in a person's mind.

Just rambling on a Monday.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 31
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 3:35:23 PM

How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?


This is a great question and still a puzzle to me. The thing is, that I am one of those guys that went for the top, hottest looking women to date. I did that because with regularity, I dated them. I also found out, that many of them are super high maintenance. Why? Because they can get away with it. They don't have to be mean and nasty, but if you didn't drop a ton of money on them the date went south. So, since I did not drop that type of money, a lot of those dates went, well, maybe a couple of more and no more.

But I could not comprehend this line of thinking, and yes most of them said that, as if they had absolutely no flaws. What I had found out was that they had a lot of flaws and were insecure on a personal level. And don't get me wrong, many of the women that said that, were head of sales, Juvenile Judges, Attorneys, College professors, who also were incredibly attractive. Others were the socialites that like in the cool area of town, kind of LAs Rodeo Drive.

Eventually I leaned my lesson. Women like that were to me, a waste of time. I found that there were other attractive women that in my book had much more substance.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 32
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 11:19:06 PM

Back to topic - OP you seem to be suggesting that we should all be "settling". If that's the case I could have been on my second honeymoon by now...........with whoever it was I decided to marry

There is a massive difference between "settling" and "making bad decisions"... if you make a bad decision, and instead of owning up to it you blame it on settling... then marrying the wrong man is the least of your problems.


Please give some of us enough credit to know that we wouldn't be happy sharing our lives with someone who, quite frankly, would make it unbearable.

It is only unbearable if YOU make it so. You settle in EVERY other aspect of your life. You settle for the car you drive, and where you live and what you wear, and what you buy at the store for food, and where you go, and where you work. You had no choice of who you work with... you had to settle and learn to get along with your co-workers. You had no choice with whom you went to school with. You had to settle and learn to get along with other students. You settle all the time. When you stop moving, you settle. But that isn't really the issue.

It appears that you believe you should be able to dictate every aspect of your life... if you think you should never "settle". You are looking to partner up with another human being. He will never be "perfect". That doesn't exist. He might be close enough for you to "settle".... and you will settle. You just won't admit to it being that. You'll argue semantically, and choose other words... but it will still be settling. You'll learn that the things you don't like aren't all that important, or at least that they aren't worth losing this guy. That still isn't the issue though.

The real issue is... different. You aren't a very open minded person. I believe you might attempt to argue that point, but by saying that you won't settle, that means you aren't open to new things, meeting new people, learning to like new things, etc. It means you'll never meet the right man... because the right man isn't the match for who you are now. The right man is the match for who you'll become... since he'll be open minded enough to accept you now, and accept you then.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 33
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 6:58:23 AM

People go on and on about how satisfied they are with their life. They have friends. They enjoy activities. They’re not needy financially. They enjoy a variety of activities. They have a full life but they would like a partner to share those intimate moments with.

For me, it's more like "I would be nice" to find someone I can sleep with on an ongoing basis, who I enjoy spending non-horizontal time with, who likes some of the things I enjoy (so as to do them together), and who can handle himself in most settings. Ideally someone who doesn't ever talk to me about their problems as an added bonus. That would be so nice.

The problem is that I can have all the above without the sexual aspect to it, in friends. They are great, we do a lot of stuff together (haunted houses, horror movies, dinner, drinks, cooking in each other's place, going for a walk, etc.), and they don't tell me about their problems as they know there is nothing that will make me want to go home faster than that. They are positive, optimistic, a lot of fun to be around, and have a pleasant demeanor.

I take it as a fair trade, I get everything I want except sex or someone who pays for me most times. It's alright.


Then comes the “must have” list. The partner’s activities, their interests, their job, their political views, their likes and dislikes…..it’s as if the person intends to completely end their former life and associate with only the partner.


No, as long as he treats me with value, respect, and appreciates me, I don't care about the rest. I'm not going to jump ship on my former life, he would be adding on to it, not taking away from what I already do. The goal is to not repeat mistakes from past relationships, such as isolating from the world to dedicate too much time to a relationship.


My question is if ones life is so great and the only thing missing is someone for intimate moments why all the other “must haves”?

People still have needs. If it were easy, then we'd be walking into a pitch dark room, get f*cked and come right out with no regard to who you just swapped fluids with, and if they have integrity (to not risk your health or betray your trust). But nothing is ever that easy, you want to sleep with someone who has other qualities besides being a great lay, you want someone who is whole. Someone who can appreciate other things outside of the bedroom, someone who cares about your well being, someone who can put your needs over their own.


How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?

It is not important to me, I'm just a spoiled brat and I want it all even when I don't need it. It would be nice to have someone to have sex with, that's all, but then why would I want someone whose only function is to sleep with me? See? It's complicated!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 8:54:31 AM
I'll build on IG's post. I come across hotties who have little to offer, so they "buy" their fun--when they go out, its all out, let's go to the "see and be seen" place, instead of stay at home and feel comfortable. They can't be comfortable in their own skin, so they have to spend money in order to be in a good place so they can have fun...instead of being in their own company, and having fun that way.

When you have substance, you tend to "have it all". Being around someone who doesn't...is....exhausting. They CHASE the fun, rather than BE the fun. People who don't have substance, but know what it is and chase after it, would love to have a partner who does have substance...and drain it from them. a healthy relati0nship isn't so much about "what you're getting" as "what you're sharing". It does require you to have something to share.

complicating the matter are those who's biological clocks are ticking--they want the relationship so they can get the kid. and then they wonder how/why they "fell out of love." They fell b/c it wasn't the main priority for getting together in the first place. Having a kid so someone finally loves you...doesn't make up for a partner who may not love you.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 35
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 9:05:13 AM

How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?
Well, I don't think that I necessarily have it all, but I have to admit that my motivation to find someone isn't that strong. Especially since the process of getting there is draining, exhausting and a lot of times dishearteningly pointless. I'm not the type who enjoys dating for its own sake, or meeting an endless stream of strangers, so I've learned to be happy with my life as it is.

Is the current thinking that one may as well go after it all because when the "all" ends one simply finds another relationship?
I don't understand this question, since the original premise is that the person already has it all.. and if that's the case, when things go south in the relationship, they'll still have the original all that they started with, no?

And to me, that's downright healthy. I'm not waiting for some dude to come along and offer me something, that's totally foreign thinking to me. But yes, I would prefer to find someone who matches with me on many levels, not just a 'time filler' to close the gap between relationships.
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