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Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 31
Do you leave when the all has gone?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?

This is a great question and still a puzzle to me. The thing is, that I am one of those guys that went for the top, hottest looking women to date. I did that because with regularity, I dated them. I also found out, that many of them are super high maintenance. Why? Because they can get away with it. They don't have to be mean and nasty, but if you didn't drop a ton of money on them the date went south. So, since I did not drop that type of money, a lot of those dates went, well, maybe a couple of more and no more.

But I could not comprehend this line of thinking, and yes most of them said that, as if they had absolutely no flaws. What I had found out was that they had a lot of flaws and were insecure on a personal level. And don't get me wrong, many of the women that said that, were head of sales, Juvenile Judges, Attorneys, College professors, who also were incredibly attractive. Others were the socialites that like in the cool area of town, kind of LAs Rodeo Drive.

Eventually I leaned my lesson. Women like that were to me, a waste of time. I found that there were other attractive women that in my book had much more substance.
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 32
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Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/3/2014 11:19:06 PM

Back to topic - OP you seem to be suggesting that we should all be "settling". If that's the case I could have been on my second honeymoon by now...........with whoever it was I decided to marry

There is a massive difference between "settling" and "making bad decisions"... if you make a bad decision, and instead of owning up to it you blame it on settling... then marrying the wrong man is the least of your problems.

Please give some of us enough credit to know that we wouldn't be happy sharing our lives with someone who, quite frankly, would make it unbearable.

It is only unbearable if YOU make it so. You settle in EVERY other aspect of your life. You settle for the car you drive, and where you live and what you wear, and what you buy at the store for food, and where you go, and where you work. You had no choice of who you work with... you had to settle and learn to get along with your co-workers. You had no choice with whom you went to school with. You had to settle and learn to get along with other students. You settle all the time. When you stop moving, you settle. But that isn't really the issue.

It appears that you believe you should be able to dictate every aspect of your life... if you think you should never "settle". You are looking to partner up with another human being. He will never be "perfect". That doesn't exist. He might be close enough for you to "settle".... and you will settle. You just won't admit to it being that. You'll argue semantically, and choose other words... but it will still be settling. You'll learn that the things you don't like aren't all that important, or at least that they aren't worth losing this guy. That still isn't the issue though.

The real issue is... different. You aren't a very open minded person. I believe you might attempt to argue that point, but by saying that you won't settle, that means you aren't open to new things, meeting new people, learning to like new things, etc. It means you'll never meet the right man... because the right man isn't the match for who you are now. The right man is the match for who you'll become... since he'll be open minded enough to accept you now, and accept you then.
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 33
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 6:58:23 AM

People go on and on about how satisfied they are with their life. They have friends. They enjoy activities. They’re not needy financially. They enjoy a variety of activities. They have a full life but they would like a partner to share those intimate moments with.

For me, it's more like "I would be nice" to find someone I can sleep with on an ongoing basis, who I enjoy spending non-horizontal time with, who likes some of the things I enjoy (so as to do them together), and who can handle himself in most settings. Ideally someone who doesn't ever talk to me about their problems as an added bonus. That would be so nice.

The problem is that I can have all the above without the sexual aspect to it, in friends. They are great, we do a lot of stuff together (haunted houses, horror movies, dinner, drinks, cooking in each other's place, going for a walk, etc.), and they don't tell me about their problems as they know there is nothing that will make me want to go home faster than that. They are positive, optimistic, a lot of fun to be around, and have a pleasant demeanor.

I take it as a fair trade, I get everything I want except sex or someone who pays for me most times. It's alright.

Then comes the “must have” list. The partner’s activities, their interests, their job, their political views, their likes and dislikes…’s as if the person intends to completely end their former life and associate with only the partner.

No, as long as he treats me with value, respect, and appreciates me, I don't care about the rest. I'm not going to jump ship on my former life, he would be adding on to it, not taking away from what I already do. The goal is to not repeat mistakes from past relationships, such as isolating from the world to dedicate too much time to a relationship.

My question is if ones life is so great and the only thing missing is someone for intimate moments why all the other “must haves”?

People still have needs. If it were easy, then we'd be walking into a pitch dark room, get f*cked and come right out with no regard to who you just swapped fluids with, and if they have integrity (to not risk your health or betray your trust). But nothing is ever that easy, you want to sleep with someone who has other qualities besides being a great lay, you want someone who is whole. Someone who can appreciate other things outside of the bedroom, someone who cares about your well being, someone who can put your needs over their own.

How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?

It is not important to me, I'm just a spoiled brat and I want it all even when I don't need it. It would be nice to have someone to have sex with, that's all, but then why would I want someone whose only function is to sleep with me? See? It's complicated!
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 8:54:31 AM
I'll build on IG's post. I come across hotties who have little to offer, so they "buy" their fun--when they go out, its all out, let's go to the "see and be seen" place, instead of stay at home and feel comfortable. They can't be comfortable in their own skin, so they have to spend money in order to be in a good place so they can have fun...instead of being in their own company, and having fun that way.

When you have substance, you tend to "have it all". Being around someone who doesn' They CHASE the fun, rather than BE the fun. People who don't have substance, but know what it is and chase after it, would love to have a partner who does have substance...and drain it from them. a healthy relati0nship isn't so much about "what you're getting" as "what you're sharing". It does require you to have something to share.

complicating the matter are those who's biological clocks are ticking--they want the relationship so they can get the kid. and then they wonder how/why they "fell out of love." They fell b/c it wasn't the main priority for getting together in the first place. Having a kid so someone finally loves you...doesn't make up for a partner who may not love you.
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 35
Do you leave when the all has gone?
Posted: 11/4/2014 9:05:13 AM

How important is a relationship/companion to someone who already “has it all” when they would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't “offer it all”?
Well, I don't think that I necessarily have it all, but I have to admit that my motivation to find someone isn't that strong. Especially since the process of getting there is draining, exhausting and a lot of times dishearteningly pointless. I'm not the type who enjoys dating for its own sake, or meeting an endless stream of strangers, so I've learned to be happy with my life as it is.

Is the current thinking that one may as well go after it all because when the "all" ends one simply finds another relationship?
I don't understand this question, since the original premise is that the person already has it all.. and if that's the case, when things go south in the relationship, they'll still have the original all that they started with, no?

And to me, that's downright healthy. I'm not waiting for some dude to come along and offer me something, that's totally foreign thinking to me. But yes, I would prefer to find someone who matches with me on many levels, not just a 'time filler' to close the gap between relationships.
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