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 AUTHOR
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 98
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Cheating mother Page 11 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

This is an interesting (and new) one. The way I see it a 'contract' is binding while in effect. When it is broken by either party, it is no longer in effect, so nothing is left to break anymore. I don't view the vows as independent. I vowed to do all, not some of the above. It is not a pick-and-choose buffet. Do you expect me to support my wife who cheats on me because of the other vow, even though she did not hold up her end of the bargain?
Just because you think this way.. doesn't mean that everyone should or does. There are countless numbers of decades long marriage from past and present where the vow to stick together until "death do us part" and "In sickness and in health" is far more important than sex. Believe it or not, many people separate sex from love. It is quite common and acceptable in Europe to have extra marital sex partners and these people would never consider leaving their marriage patner.

'Id rather hear the truth from my child than get funny looks and silent chuckles when I tell my friends or neighbors how lovely my wife is.

Personally.. My ego isn't that concerned about what other people think about what goes on in my private life. Why would I give crap? So what .. they knew and didn't tell me.. They stayed out of my personal business.. good for them. As long as they were there for me if I needed them when it all came down.. I would certainly understand their hesitancy to get involved in the meantime.
It would be your wife that would be looked upon badly anyway.. not you.
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 99
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/24/2009 2:47:59 PM
I think many here are missing the point. As I stated in an earlier post I found out the my dad was cheating. I was very hurt and angry at him. I had lost respect for him. I didn't confront either parent with that knowledge and yes it was a burden to carry around that knowledge. I wish I had confronted my dad then instead of 10 years later. It turns out that he had cheated before and my mother had pretty much turned a blind eye. She eventually had enough of the cheating and they ended the marriage. Then I was put into the position of having to pick sides. I didn't put myself there this time though, my mom did. It seems that like my dad she was only human as well with human failings. What my dad did was wrong, he was a lousy husband, but he was a good father to me and I loved him just as much as I loved my mother. My mother making me takes sides was also wrong and no child or even grown child should ever be made to pick sides like that. You have no clue the guilt that I felt because I still loved my father even after he hurt my mother so badly. After some counseling (I went for other reasons than my dad cheating but it was something that I brought up) I understood that my dad's relationship with my mother was a separate thing from his relationship with me. He didn't fall out of love with me. He didn't cheat on me. Understand that I am not saying that it made it okay for him to cheat, he wronged my mother when he cheated and believe me when I say that he has paid for his cheating ways. (My step-mother caught him cheating and he wasn't allowed to leave the house by himself for almost twenty years.) What I am saying is that the only relationships that a child is responsible for maintaining is the relationship they have with each of their parents. A child is never, never responsible for helping to maintain or helping to end a relationship between his parents.

As an aside, my mother also received counseling later and apologized for making me choose sides as she did.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 100
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 11:50:30 AM
First of all, no matter what you think about your mother's actions and from what you describe, it is entirely likely that she has online relationships with these people only, the fact that you refer to her as a stupid b!tch speaks volumes about you as well as your father because I don't think despite your shock, that you would refer to her that way when you have bothered to find nothing out about this situation.

Funny thing about children, they don't realize that their parents are people, and people have flaws and they make mistakes. Your mother is 48, she is either going through or has already been through menopause, a horrendous time for most women and their families. Your father is a bit of a grump who isn't physically or emotionally abusive and yet he is traditional which means he works and comes home and sits on his ass and allows your mother to do everything. So after all these years she is not only in a marriage by herself she no longer has children to care for, she is at loose ends.

You and your brother are presumably gone and your mother has woken up at 48 and doesn't know who she is because she has been a wife and mother for so long. She has gotten some attention and her empty and lonely soul has responded. I am not saying that what your mother is doing is right, it is not, at the least it is foolish and at worst cruel, but to judge her so harshly for what seems totally selfish reasons (would it be okay if she was discussing you and your brother with female friends?) is very immature.

My father did something really stupid when I was around 24. I was mortified, yada, yada but I took a step back one day and realized that my parents had been married for nearly 40 years, they were adults, and their bullshit had nothing to do with me. I recognized that he did nothing to me and that it was my mother's choice to stay with him.

Now, if you want to help your mother and honor the years she sacrificed to make sure you had a decent life you sit down like a grown-up and tell your mom, I am sorry that I used a computer tool to get into your personal business but I hope that you will think long and hard about what you are doing. If you intend to see any of these men that you are talking to, you should have the courage and integrity to split with my dad. If not, you are potentially really damaging your relationship by not being in it with dad and he also has the ability to run into what I did on the computer.

I suspect that your mother is sad, lonely and confused and a little bit of compassion on your part could help her get her head out of her butt and find an appropriate way to lead a happier life.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 102
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 3:26:18 PM

Yes she did. She talked about them behind their back describe them to men who may or may not have their best interest at heart, and cheated them out of having a mom they can respect and trust there by crippling all future relationships with women as now they have reason to believe all women are cheats and liers.

That would only be true if the grown child that discovered his/her parent was fallible was the type of person to conclude that everyone that falls into a group be it women, men, racial and ethnic groups, in this case women, are all the same as the one person they have encountered that had a problem.

I have tried to set a decent example for my children but I have taught them to think for themselves. If I did anything that made them feel like their lives had been a mockery I don't expect my boys would conclude that all women were trash. My ex is bipolar and is hateful to everyone, blah, blah, my daughter no more thinks that this is indicative of every man than the moon is made of cheese.

It is also entirely possible that this woman stayed in a miserable marriage for her sons and essentially cheated herself out of happiness. Again, no one knows whether she intends to get involved with anyone to begin with and regardless, she is not behaving in her best interests let alone everyone else but to lay on her that her actions have ruined this grown man OP for life is a bit of a stretch unless he intends to blame all of his future problems on his mother when he alone is responsible for the choices he makes.

I talk about my kids to friends all of the time. The fact that she discussed her sons with people her son doesn't approve of her talking to is really not remotely germane to the discussion of what he should do about his mother, it is his own reaction to what he wants to paint as her doing something to him, which again she hasn't.

The issue is between the married people, up until the OP went snooping in his mother's business he just considered her the same old mom he always knew. Would he be equally quick to judge if she weren't doing this but he found out she had a very brief affair during the first year of his parent's marriage? If everything was rosy now, would that matter and invalidate his entire life as well?

I know this is upsetting, as I said in my first post, when I found out what my father did I was horrified but as an adult who at the time was around 24, it had NOTHING to do with me, my relationship with my mother or my relationship with my father. Their relationship was just that, their relationship. Sometimes it is easy to get totally melodramatic about other people's shit.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 103
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 3:55:27 PM
Where does it say she was using his computer?

If you found your mom sending cheating-type messages, why wouldn't you ask her about them....if they were on your computer, if they are on her computer, keep your grimy hands off her stuff. No the first thing he does is set up some key logging thing on to get more info about his cheating mother and he instantly goes into trash talk about her like he was making a condescending rap song, yeah, smells like trolling from a mile away. On top of that, he's here for page after page with more added info to stir the chit.

If you can't tell a troll on a message board, sorry, but this one is a troll.

And the dumbest part of this whole thing, the people screaming that anyone not agreeing with this mish-mosh the OP is spewing out, is of course a bunch of cheaters them self. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Just too funny OP you've really got the place rolling. Too bad there isn't a trolling award to give out. Truth is, your story is pretty silly from the get-go but you know us forum rats, we like to give out opinions even when the original post makes no sense.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 104
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 4:35:51 PM

If you can't tell a troll on a message board, sorry, but this one is a troll.


The fact that the guy's thread wasn't deleted, and that he came back and responded intelligently to the replies suggests that he isn't a troll. Even if he were, the situation he described does happen, and is an interesting topic. No one is forced to read the thread or respond to it.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 105
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 6:06:22 PM

My parents marriage isn't too bad, my dad isn't emotionally or physically abusive, but he can be a bit of a grump at times, and doesn't show his emotions all that much, he's a very traditional type of man. I hardly say that he drove her to it, I think she's just a stupid b*tch.


OP......it is just my opinion, but don't judge one more than the other. They are your parents and because you caught your mother, doesn't mean that your father isn't or hasn't done the same thing.

Have they provided you with a "quality life"? Then show them some respect and let them work out their own problems.........because they don't need you stirring the pot.
They are both people and they are both human..........and sometimes children can't accept that very, very simple fact.

Breath easy and carry on with your own life
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 106
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 6:19:44 PM
OP, talking with your mother gives her the opportunity to straighten her life out and make things right with your dad again. I imagine the shock of someone knowing about her affair, and being hurt by it, might be enough to "shock" her back into reality.

In terms of your parents potential divorce, affairs do not count for anything in Ontario no-fault divorce. There's no punishment involved, and your mother would be entitled to half of all matrimonial assets. Not sure if she's working, but she would also quite likely receive alimony. Tough from where your dad sits.

Back to your mom. Given your mention of her recent depression, the current behaviour sounds like an aberration rather than who she really is. She's wrong. Speak to her and give her the opportunity of sorting out her life.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 107
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 9:22:11 PM

My reply was about the contract being null and void when one vow was broken,
I understood your point.. and, it made sense.. that's why I didn't dispute it.. I did however give a another possible reason why I thought it was not a good idea for Op to tell his father.. He doesn't know what his parents marriage entails.. and frankly, it's none of his business IMO. As I said before, I don't (and wouldn't) appreciate my child making that kind of decision (telling his father) without speaking to me first. I wouldn't want him to take on yet another possible burden of feeling responsible for breaking the family up when the father may not even want to know in the first place. {I think} If he's going to talk to anyone it should be his mother.. not his father for the above reason and a miriad of others. (most of which have already been stated by many posters)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 108
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/25/2009 10:21:38 PM
Yes, I think he's a troll, do you have a problem with me having a different opinion than you? And I asked where he said it was his computer because after reading all his posts, I did not see it, I don't know if he said it, that's why I asked. What part did you not understand?

Also I did read the posts, all the pages, and I came to the conclusion he's trolling by the very fact that he keeps answering with more and more added to the story. My opinion, no one is forced to agree. The subject of this thread is the OPs posts, I don't need analyzed, I didn't post this muck & mire.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 111
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/26/2009 11:09:57 AM
^^^ I totally agree! Nothing like a thread like this to suss out who's still bitter and unable to come to terms with what's happened to them in life.

 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 112
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/26/2009 11:21:10 AM

My point now is that a possible divorce based on talking to the other parent would likely leave the kid with two homes and two 'single' parents, in other words two lives. Without that talk the kid has to stay in one home where things could turn a lot uglier over the next few years.
In this case "the kid" is a young adult.. and, perhaps it's time he made his way on his own.. with the use of the education that presumably his parents have paid for and leave the 'nest' that he now inhabits.. without having taken part in tearing assunder the nest of his parents.
What if the kid is 6? At which point (if any) is it the kid's business, given that the kid's life will differ dramatically.
at 6 he is too young to understand the dynamics of infidelity and I'd hope that his parents wouldn't use him as a pawn in their dysfunction.
As an aside, both my parents 'did stuff' and stayed 'together', postponing the divorce until after I was on my own. I wish they had divorced earlier. Between semi-secret affairs and 'thick air' (bad mood, thinly veiled word attacks, snipes, derogatory remarks, etc.) at home between the two parents, I felt much happier outside the house. Do parents generally think that when 'stuff happens', the kid is better off if they DON'T divorce?
I'm sorry that you were a witness to your parents living hell.. however; Op hasn't said he's been subjected to that kind of life.. There are folks (although far and few between) who can function quite amicably while putting their childrens best interests (or what they think are their best interests) in front of their own.
.. Thanks for an amicable debate on our differing opinions.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 113
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Cheating mother
Posted: 5/27/2009 6:09:03 AM

It's like she's having a midlife crisis.

Duh

And maybe if this is actually a real situation and you talk to your mother she will get her head out of her ass and either take a walk or figure out how to make her marriage/life better for her.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 117
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/28/2009 1:06:24 PM
OP...in this thread you have called your mother some pretty terrible names, like money-grubbin biatch.

I doubt that she is after money......it sounds more like she is after some love, understanding and attention which for some reason, your father is not giving or not capable of giving at this time or has not been able to give for a long time. Somewhere in their marriage, they lost the "FRIENDSHIP BASIS" of their relationship.

You seem to value your father's contribution to the family more than your mothers, is that because she never received a paycheque for doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, raising children...taking care of them in sickness and in health, providing meals for your father and emotional support when he was down. I don't know if your mother worked outside of the home, but their is strong evidence that stay-at-home mothers do the equivalent of 2 full-time jobs........so I suggest you show the same amount of respect to your mother as your father.

I do understand what your emotional state might be like right now, but you are considered an adult legally and I think it would be important for you to concentrate on your own life, more than your parents life.

I have a strong suspicion that your father knows somewhat, especially if she has been distancing herself physically and emotionally from him in the last few months.

There is something that your mother needs/wants but is not getting at home, but probably gave a lot to her family when they were in need or in wanting.

I don't condone a cheating spouse, but sometimes I do understand why they do.

Stay well, be well
 star*tossed
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 119
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/29/2009 11:47:02 AM
My suggestion OP, is that you take your Mom out to the front yard near a tree. Bring some rope and a gallon of red paint. Tie her arms behind the back of the tree nice and tight. Make sure you bring an old t-shirt too (for the gag!) you wouldn't want to destroy that cool old Metallic shirt from your first concert so maybe grab one of your Dad's wife beaters, once you have mom tied up there and gagged, grab a really nice, sharp knife (from the wooden block in the kitchen you know the one near the stove where Mom makes you dinner???) Crank the stereo on your Dodge Pacer up and slide in the CD of Wheatus, (Punk Ass **** would be my recommendation) with that blaring take the knife and slowly cut off all her clothing til she's naked. Yeah, totally naked - who cares, she's a whore right? Take the red paint and slowly paint a HUGE ASS red letter "A" all over her stomach (yeeah watch out for those stretch marks - birthing you wasn't easy!) oh yeah her boobs droop but ya know? That's what happens when you breast feed your babies...just gag it down and get the job done - your righteous anger and indignation should carry the day forward. Once your Mom is standing there exposed to everyone in the world - maybe you could do something really cold like spit in her face the puta! I'm pretty sure when Dad drives in after the 5 o'clock commute he'll see there's a problem of some sort and maybe you can all talk about it over mac and cheese?
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 122
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/29/2009 6:24:46 PM
So young grasshopper...dyinginside11, you have 11 pages of advice on how to handle the situation. For the most part, no one on this thread wants you to be dyinginside anymore. Some people have had to be cruel to be kind, some have been understanding, many more wanted you to understand life in a greater capacity than you do.....at the end of the day, you are the master of the choices you make and how you choose to handle the situation that might destroy or make live the family you have always known, strong again.

Every man/woman dies, but not every man/woman really lives......is quote from the movie "Braveheart", except women were never included in the movie's line of thought.

Unite them and be well, stay well.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 125
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Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 2:35:43 PM
^^^ No.. I would totally understand why he didn't tell me.. particularily if he had confronted his father about it with hopes of resolution. IMO ~ You shouldn't put your own children in the middle of any parental dispute.

@ Thatsnotmybaby: If you read correctly you will notice that many of the men have told op to speak to his mother and leave his father out of it. Many have told him to speak his mind in a calm manner to his mother. She hasn't betrayed her son's love by what she's done.. she has betrayed his ideal of her though.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 126
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Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 4:24:02 PM
I am really suprised and disappointed in this thread. So many women, who rail against cheating when it is the man have come out with the "you don't know what may have happened to her in 28 years." I can hardly believe what I am reading.
Try to remember how it was in your early twenties. A person's whole approach to life and the everyday problems is very different than when one is older.

If the OP still checks this thread, OP I feel very sad for you and what you are going through.
What I would do, if I were you would be to cut off contact from your mother until she realizes something is wrong. With her busy lifestyle, it may take a while. Use the time to forgive her. It does you no good to have this hatred inside you.
You don't owe her anything. You don't have to talk to her. But you can not change her. Not with threats, not by begging, not by bribery. You may have to stay away for your sanity. You take care of yourself.
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 127
Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:14:18 PM
Gather all the evidence you can, and give it to your Dad. You will be doing him a favor.
 readyornot57
Joined: 1/19/2008
Msg: 128
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Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 5:35:41 PM
Well, I read even more of this thread. I did not realize that a cheating wife may "need some lovin" and that explains it. How come men are pigs, but cheating women, we don't know the whole story, oh it is so "black and white."

And the OP is not legally bound to respect his Mom. Respect is not a right. It must be earned. We are so quick to insist that every mother is wonderful, because she gave birth, she can do no wrong. If he thinks she is awful, he has every right to feel that way because supressing it is what screws a lot of people up.
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 129
Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 6:42:00 PM
Son, take an old mans advice and don't mess up your parents marriage. If you simply must talk to someone about it then get your mother aside and tell her you know about it. It will make her ashamed for sure, but don't go throwing verbal stones, after all she bought you into this world and helped raise you and you owe her more than you can ever repay. There is a possibility that your mom feels there is no excitement in her life and I hate to even talk about your family, but it could also be that daddy suffers from erectile disfunction at any rate I dare say she feels she is missing something in her life.
If you start running your mouth to dad or calling mom a **** you are going to break up a 28 year marriage. I understand your hurt, but its their problem and not yours.
Oh, and by the way churches are for sinners!
 mcwr
Joined: 3/24/2009
Msg: 130
Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 6:51:05 PM
Don't listen to the people who would blame the breakup of your parents on you, if you were to tell your Dad. I would certainly want to know if my wife were cheating, and would feel betrayed if my kids would not tell me. The person responsible for your mother's cheating is your mother and no one else. There are other ways to deal with sexual or emotional issues beside cheating. There is no excuse for her behavior. She want's to have her cake and eat it as well. She is setting a horrible example for you, and should end the marriage officially, rather than act disgracefully.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 131
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Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 7:27:36 PM
Opie.. take the advice of someone with no children with a huge grain of salt. They have no basis to form an opinion on whether or not they would want their child to tell them something this emotionally charged. Particularily one who says "you should end the marriage officially".
You are NOT acting disgracefully if you do not tell your father... If anyone is acting disgracefully towards your mother's and father's marriage it is your mother.. Leave your father be and discuss with your mother.. let her and him handle things after that.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 132
Cheating mother
Posted: 7/23/2009 7:38:11 PM
Cheating is wrong,no question about it. Telling the other person about it is deadly dangerous do to three scenarios:

1)Dad does not believe you, and turns against you
2)Dad does believe you, and kills mom
3) Son loses both mom and dad when he should have brought it up to mom to find out everything during the confrontation

Most people hate when someone tells them that their loved one is cheating on the, and one of the biggest questions people ask is:

Should the person who knows about the affair tell the other party? Unaminously the answer is MYOB. It saves lives, and dad will sooner or later find out on his own. They always do.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 136
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Cheating mother
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:15:41 AM

WG.....I AM a mother, and I would feel utterly disapointed if my own flesh and blood knew that I was being cheated on and remained quiet...We would ALL be disapointed if our friends didn't tell us, let alone our own child..... trying to be politically correct is one thing, let's not kid ourselves, we aren't made of stone you know...
AA.. you have children... The poster I was referring to does not. You can think on it and come up with what you would want to hear from a child, your child. Someone without children cannot. Myself, I would be devastated if my daughter was put in op's position.. but I would not want her to put even more guilt on herself by telling me that her father was cheating. I am certain she would realize that it is not her place..
I know for a fact that she would talk to her Dad, she would try to smarten him up to what he was doing to the family as a unit.. and she would try to get him to make things right... What she wouldn't do.. is tell him How he should make it right.

Op is a grown child (as is my daughter) My daughter is very intelligent Although our situation did not entail infidelity, she would not be put in the middle of anything that was going on when me and her father were separating.. She stopped it immediately and said take it up with dad or, take it up with mom.. it is not my place to take sides.. True story.. we are all extremely better off because of the strength she showed during the initial transition ..

You may say that "everyone has a right to know" that is your preference.. It is not everyone's though. And, no matter who is put in the Op's position of knowing... they are usually filled with angst and indicision of whether they should confess what they know or not. I think the only exception to that are people who relish the idea of causing strife, they have ulterior motives (such as not likeing the person cheating and look at it as a chance to get them out of the picture) or, people who have been cheated on and haven't forgiven or come to terms with their past. JMO.
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