Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 63
Cheating mother Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I've raised two sons, one of which is this young man's age.

My first response while reading all this was the same as Rock's.

I thought Troll.

I'm not sure how I feel after reading it all.

But, much of what this poster is saying I could easily imagine one of my sons, who are his age feeling and saying.

Young men who have sensitive hearts, DO hurt when they're betrayed. Discovering a mother behaving in this manner - would be hurtful. He'd be running the gamut of emotions and looking for help anywhere he could.

I agree his arguments some of them, seem to indicate he really isn't seeking help. He wants the anger to do something rash and harsh to hurt her as he perceives he is being hurt.

That's normal.

Whether this is real or not.
The mother has behaved shamefully.
He has the right to confront her. But I'd recommend if you love your mother in any way, even though you don't respect her...you approach her with the understanding that this doesn't have anything to do with the love she has for you. She was and is and always will be your mom, she birthed you, she's raised you and she loves you.

You can never know what is in her heart, or their marriage until you talk with her, and listen with an open heart and mind.

That's the only way to prevent the anihilation of your family, your brothers and your father.

You think you're a man? Act like one now.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 1:20:12 PM

I guess a question I would have is, if you were in my fathers shoes, and your spouse was cheating, your child knew about it. Would you expect them to tell you? Would you want them to? This is the question I am pondering.
No.. I wouldn't want you to tell me. If I had half a brain, I would realize that my spouse wasn't in the marriage 100% anyway.. I would suspect myself that he was having an affair. When someone's brain is taken up with thoughts of another.. they are not focusing their thoughts on me.. they become distant, they become secretive, they become unresponsive where they once were very responsive.. They are away more than they are not... even when they're sitting next to me.. All clues to trouble in paradise.

Only a person who is so apathetic in their marriage and so not wanting things to end or,.. they are so secure in knowing that their spouse wouldn't leave them for another (even if they were screwing them) well.. those are the people that can't see or don't want to see or, don't care (as long as they stay "with me") if their spouse is cheating.

OP: I totally understand how torn up you are about this, but I'd imagine that deep down, your father already knows something's not right. It's up to him to have a dialogue with his wife to find out what it is.

You know.. that many of the people who have posted here have parents that have been married for decades.. and, many of those marriages have had infidelities in them that their kids don't know about. But, those parents are still happily married... nobody any the wiser. Now, this doesn't make what your mother is doing right.. it just makes it what it is.

You feel betrayed yourself but remember that no matter what she is doing .. it doesn't have anything to do with her love for you. They're are thousands of children right now.. who are seeing one parent or the other on a part time basis because of infidelity and their parents inability to forgive each other for it. I suspect most of these children still love each parent equally and, I'm certain that most of these parents still love their children unconditionally.

Your ego is telling you that you should rat her out. She should pay for her indiscretion and betrayal to your whole family...
This is about your mom and dad's private life. Either the affair will end.. and your parents will continue on as they always have.. or, your mom will (think she has) fallen in love with who she is having a daliance with and end the marriage herself (karma is a b*tch) or.. your dad will find out (or wake up and finally realize his wife is different) investigate himself and decide what to do next in his life.

Try your best to stay out of it.

Look at it this way:
One day when you get married and if you should fall prey (to the ever increasing need of society in general) to be with another sexual partner.. would you want your parents to disown you, ruin your marriage (when you had no intentions of living your wife?) by telling your spouse about your (most likely) mistake? If your marriage broke up would it be easier on you to know it broke up because of an affair.. or because you both drifted apart and your spouse just simply wanted out?

If your ego tells you that You-must-tell-her-you-know.. then tell your mother nothing about what you DO know .. but tell her you've noticed her secretivness and your suspicions are making you disappointed and fearful... See how she responds.. you've now opened a dialogue with her and you'll know how to proceed.


WOW the amount of women and men telling you to stay out of it and defending her cheating is just shocking becuse "she is a adult" well fine she should KNOW better then!
No One here is condoning or defending the mother. PERIOD! We are giving advice to the son. The mother's actions are from a human being ... human beings are not perfect.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/22/2009 1:46:41 PM
^^^ I'll tell you that I haven't... physically .. Although i was accused of having an emotional affair when my marriage was coming to an end... If you ask me today if I've ever had an affair.. I will tell you yes... because they are just as bad for a marriage as a physical one could ever be... My marriage was already over .. I was looking for a place to live and I had already told my partner that I was leaving when a friend became my emotional crutch.

And.. really, how does your question even matter?
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 6:57:05 AM
"That's exactly right... Human beings are not perfect. I think when a son finds out that the same mother he obviously adored and looked up to, is actually just an imperfect human being, he may have to grieve the loss of one of the idols in his life. "

Just to clarify .. humans are not perfect AND the behavior is wrong AND the human is doing the wrong thing.

Compassion and empathy are wonderful things in balance with being held accountable for our actions. Under the human beings are not perfect you can as easily list the serial killer who has all the justifications and mental disturbances in the world for being a serial killer ... and as a killer is still wrong and still needs to be held accountable. A person who has multiple affairs from within a marraige is a serial killer of the marraige. Just as wrong, no matter how much compassion is applied.

I've noticed a lot of people these days have taken compassion and empathy way way too far. We've lost the ability to have standards for behaviors and consequences and accountability for not meeting those standards. The mother is not meeting the standards of behavior set up for a marraige. I can list many famous people in the news being cut the same compassionate break for not meeting standards. As near as I can track back this inappropriate use of compassion and empathy goes back to the famous preachers and politicians who used this bait as a way to get away with cheating on their spouses. They were wrong. They should have been held accountable. So should she. Compassionately accountable... but still accountable. Tell her and if she doesn't tell dad then he tells dad. That is compassionate accountability.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 72
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 8:39:24 AM

PS Here's something for people to chew on. If this was a daughter finding out her dad was cheating on his wife, this thread, IMHO, would take a totally different spin to it. It would be a freaking bloodbath by page 5, instead it's just another example of misplaced solidarity over actually telling someone to just follow the path they can sleep with at night. It never ceases to startle me at the sheer lack of empathy for men in general. The OP was pigeonholed as whiny, fake or nosy. If wasn't a man, do you think the response would have been the same? Shrug.
Why not start wait a few days and start a thread about it? Then you can gauge how correct your theory is. I myself don't believe in double-standards and my response(s) would be exactly the same.
A marriage is a contract between two people and how they define that contract is up to them, as long as the meet the minimum legal requirements. Infidelity in a marriage is hardly equitable to a serial murderer - they are not the same thing and you are trying to compare apples to oranges.

I'm not condoning infidelity but I am smart enough to realize that most situations that involve human beings are not black and white. Granted, some things require a strong stance, murder being one of them, but I think and hope that society has evolved past the days of the scarlet letter and that there is some understanding that relationships between people are a messy business and aren't always straight forward. I'm all for people being responsible for their own actions but I do know that humans makes mistakes and reacting unreasonably to mistakes doesn't improve the situation for anyone involved.
Well said.
 chipblue
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 73
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:10:42 AM
Cheating is never ok. Confront her, Demand that she tells your dad. If she doesn’t then; out the ****. She is putting your dads health at risk and you would feel allot worse if he got a life threatening STD from this cheating whore you call "Mom". If she is cheating, she made her own bed do not protect her. She has already began to self destruct don’t let her take you down too by compromising your morals. You’re the one you will have to look at in the mirror every morning.

For all of you that posted that people cheat for different reasons you should check your morals. If you are not happy in your marriage then get a divorce. But do so before you cheat. ”Murder is murder, rape is the murder of a soul, and infidelity is the rape of a soul.” If you think that it is ok to cheat for some reasons, then it must be ok to smack you around for some reasons.
 CrackedHalo
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:16:41 AM
Well....... a cheat is a cheat and deserves to be caught......but I know there are lots of married men from the K/W area on these sites I have talked to a few of them. So possibly dad is having a fling as well and this is something they have agreed on or maybe he can't physically "do it" anymore and she needs some lovin? I think you should talk to you mother but don't be hateful with her try to be understanding and be prepared to hear what she says. Good luck to you and your family!
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 75
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:36:05 AM
none of your concern what your mom does, for all you know its ok with your dad,you have no right at all to judge her, look through her private things,you are 22, an adult, act like one
 mjk21258
Joined: 10/20/2007
Msg: 76
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 10:18:30 AM
You are right that people cheat for any number of reasons. But none of them make it right, cheating on your spouse or significant other is wrong. And I also believe it goes further than being about the "mother, father, and their relationship", other family member get hurt by these things. If that was the case the original poster wouldn't have written the original post to begin with.

My ex cheated on me, unfortunately my children were young at the time and we ended up divorcing, which would have probably happened anyway. But I have never spoken to my kids about their mother's cheating, lying, and deceitful ways. I am very confident if the roles had been reversed she would have painted me as the most evil man on the planet.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 77
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 11:28:05 AM
Okay.. FULL STOP: If the kid is indeed a troll.. then by the last couple of posts .. he's getting exactly what he posted for.. that being the posters bickering with each other.

The point of the thread was that the kid was looking for advice on what to do. Not what our moral stance on cheating and cheaters is.

Op: has gotten a example of a girl who found probable evidence of a father's infidelity and how she DIDN'T disclose the info and she's not a basket case because she didn't.

Maybe we could get some kid who did disclose what he/she knew and then find out what the repercussions were when he/she did.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 78
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 12:00:10 PM

I think what she's doing is the most despicable thing a person can do.


OP: You can mention to your mom that you know about it and that you're not happy with it; but after that, you need to leave it alone. You will feel better for calmly, respectfully telling her how you feel about it; but there is no point in trying to change her or convince her to stop. Don't put your dad in a bad spot by being the one to mention it to him, either. He has to handle his own business. Your dad probably already knows about it; but, if he asks you, just tell him that he needs to talk with mom and hash things out.

There's no point in letting your stomach churn over it. People cheat, and cheaters are often parents. Mention it to her; say that you don't like it; and then drop it. Get along with her as best you can and live your own life.
 JimmyD1963
Joined: 2/17/2008
Msg: 79
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 2:53:52 PM
I have a problem with him not telling someone. As for not being any of his business I also disagree as he is part of the family. And what if Mom brings home the creeping crud and gives it to dad unknowingly. I don’t know if I would be able to stand myself after finding out someone is dying (worst case) and it could have been prevented.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 80
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 3:07:21 PM

And what if Mom brings home the creeping crud and gives it to dad unknowingly. I don’t know if I would be able to stand myself after finding out someone is dying (worst case) and it could have been prevented.
well.. if she's got something from this supposed guy she's cheating with.. and she's still having relations with the dad.. then it's a little late know isn't it? Barn doors already shut on that horse.

I'm still not convinced that his place is to tell his father.. If he MUST get this burden off his chest.. then he should tell his mother her sneeky texting behaviour is causing him concern are you and Dad breaking up? and see if she opens up to him.

I wonder? Are mom and dad still sleeping in the same bedroom? If they are'nt ~ there could be a 1001 reasons why they're are'nt: From he snores to ~ the relationship is already over except for the packing. (?????)
 mjk21258
Joined: 10/20/2007
Msg: 82
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 3:33:48 PM
Well if mom is cheating the guy she is cheating with could also have other partners. Do you think it is possible he could contract an STD in the meantime and then give to "mom"? In other words she might be clean today and dirty tomorrow!
 tonyfamilyguy
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 84
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 4:18:52 PM
As I mentioned before, print out the evidence you have and give it to your father. He'll decide what he needs to do. Be there for him if he wants to talk about it. If not, don't question him about it.

I can't understand why some of the posters still question whether your mother cheated or not. I know you mentioned some of the stuff she typed made it clear without question she'd been having sex with multiple men.

Don't waste anymore time dwelling on your course of action. You need to make your dad aware as soon as possible. Otherwise there is a very big chance he may end up with an STD. In fact, as you present the evidence to him that you've gathered, tell him his health and safety is one of your primary concerns.

LET YOUR DAD KNOW IMMEDIATELY! Don't take a chance your mother infects him tonight!
 Make it happen!
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 85
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 4:22:39 PM
It is very difficult at times for Parents to see their kids as adults and as equally difficult for kids to see parents as human beings. We don't want to think of our parents being anything but our parents. The best advice I can give you is communication. Go for a walk or a drive with your Mom and talk. She will always be your mother and you will always be her son. Don't let anything change that. I love my kids no matter what. I may not always agree or like what they do but .......... we are all free to make our own choices without judgement I would hope. None of us always make the right choices in life. Talk to her, don't make assumptions. You have to be in your parents relationship to understand and that will never happen. As you get older you will see. Do I agree with what you "think" she is doing? No, certainly not. What things look like from the outside are not always how they are from within. Talk to her and don't make judgements as you could be in her similiar shoes one day. I hope you are wrong. Talk to her. Communication is the key to successful relationships of all kinds....

I personally don't think you should get in the middle of this. It puts you in a bad way. I read what most wrote but reality is .... talk to your mother and allow her to explain and deal with it first........ if you don't feel you have the truth then re-evaluate. But, it wold never be a good choice to rat on your Mom without talking to her.

If your parents don't make it... you don't want to be the reason. Allow her to explain and allow her to deal with her problems................ This is unfortunate and sad but really, don't get in the middle by betrayal or judging without all the facts. You could ruin your relationship with both parents. Do you want that or think that would resolve anything? I doubt it. I do have friends that have an open relationship and they certainly did not discuss this with their kids.... they have their reasons. If they get busted they will have the same kind of talk you are headed for. Get facts first. Always best. Reality is that the relationship you have with your parents is so different from the one they have with each other. And the relationship you have with each of them, I am sure is different and will forever be changing as you grow older. Maybe Dad knows and just doesn't want to hear it from you. a lot could be going on here that you know nothing about. Tread with caution and love, respect and all that.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 86
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 4:25:48 PM

As for not being any of his business I also disagree as he is part of the family. And what if Mom brings home the creeping crud and gives it to dad unknowingly.


I disagree with that, as well. This is the guy's first-degree relatives, and he does have an interest in what happens to his parents----whether it's a potential STD being passed on, or his folks eventually splitting up over it, or some kind of altercation happening. All of those things are real possibilities. There is nothing wrong with him mentioning it to his mom and hearing her out. She may have an explanation or clarification which can resolve his concerns. After that, no matter what her response is, he should let it go and handle his own life.

Pretending that nothing is happening is unrealistic; but trying to tell his mom what to do or running to his dad about it is going too far the other way.

1) Mention it. 2) Hear her out. 3) Tell her his opinion. 4) Drop it and move on.
 tonyfamilyguy
Joined: 1/28/2008
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 4:30:43 PM
"maybe dads libido is down" leesa40

If it is, that's not a reason to cheat for anybody. Rationalizing the actions of a cheater is despicable. I would venture to say the chances are great that people who think certain reasons make it okay to cheat are, in all probability, cheaters themselves.

leesa40 - Have you ever told a husband or boyfriend, "I don't feel like having sex with you now, so it's okay if you find someone else to be with."?
 Make it happen!
Joined: 9/21/2008
Msg: 89
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 5:10:34 PM
Just me but the bottom line is you are an adult and they are adults and sometimes it is not best to get into someones else relationship. No one is perfect and this is really sad but real life. Don't condone but some times kids and other people need to mind their own business. You just could be her one day. We all make mistakes and it sounds as if she needs to do some soul searching... allow her to do this. Never throw stones unless your glass house is ........well you get it. Most every relationship or marriage has it's ups and downs..... You will see. Let them work this out. Just my opinion. And no it does not make it right. I sitll feel it is none of your business. You will be the one that everyone is mad at... you will see. Not taking sides. Men and women cheat and I don't get that either. All very sad.
 cncgandolf
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 5:55:45 PM
OP "according to her, my dad doesn't know, he is faithful, according to her, they still have sex but there is not passion."

This update to your original post indicates you have now let your mom know that you know. I hope you have seen the post about the spread of STDs and will consider your father's health risks since your mother is not considering the health risk to herself or him.

Sorry, but I just recently found out about an acquaintance who dates a guy for several months before intimacy. He claimed to be clean and not sexually active with anyone ... and she promptly got an STD ... lucky for her not HIV.

If she won't tell Dad you need to do so. It will eat you up inside the risk you are subjecting him to that she doesn't seem to be considering.

When a parent betrays their partner they also betray their children. It is a family betrayal. It is reasonable that you feel betrayed. Even if it were not, don't let anyone ever tell you how you 'should' feel. We feel the way we feel. When they are feelings that damage us then we need to recover from them.

ps. I really appreciate your post because it has been quite an education on how many people on here think cheating is justifiable and that the destruction of a family is not the business of one of the family members. I've had a lesson in how many people cannot read the poster's information and have attacked OP for things OP did not do. I now have an interesting scenerio to bring up in getting to know someone to see if their values and ethics and capacity for honest relationships align with mine.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 92
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 8:11:29 PM

I've had a lesson in how many people cannot read the poster's information
Not to be rude, but you should include your self in there because the following quote from you is incorrect:
This update to your original post indicates you have now let your mom know that you know. I hope you have seen the post about the spread of STDs and will consider your father's health risks since your mother is not considering the health risk to herself or him.
If you read correctly you would realize that he read the emails to/from his mom and the guy she is cheating with and that's how he "knows" that his dad doesn't know.. his mother must have told the guy he doesn't know.

The rest of your post is your opinion and, of course, you're entitled to it.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 93
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 8:30:51 PM

So your of the mind that it is perfectly ok for a person to stray from their SO because action in the bedroom is a little lackluster? While at the same time feasibly using the SO's finances to do it?
You assume that the mother doesn't work or contribute to the family income in any way. If he finds out and wants to end the marriage because of it .. it will all be split right down the middle anyway.. she'll end up with a portion of his pension money as well and both of them will end up with less than they ever had together.. We're talking about Canada here, not the States where your family law seems to be more about the lawyers income than that of any split and blown assunder family dynamic.

So many people are so fixated on one certain vow that has been broken = "to forsake all others" yet they are encouraging you, Op to be a participant in the breaking of another of your parents vows. = "Till death do us part." Do you really think you want that responsibility on your shoulders should your parents divorce because of this stupidity? Do you think doing that will help your state of mind? OP; talk to your mother if you must.. then step away from it and let her and your father deal.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 94
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:01:29 PM
none of your cuz's will be cut out of your life no matter what happens. And by the way - if I found out you'd put a keylogger on my gf's computer for any reason whatsover you'd be praying that she'd be asking me not to discuss this with you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 95
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 9:47:51 PM
Good grief, why are you spying on your mother? Have you hired a PI to check your dad out too? Is their private relationship your business and really, who would set up spying on their mother's computer? That's just off the charts. Yes, your mother is a lying cheat, but that's really none of your business, is it, but what are you, what kind of person does this crap to their mother? I'd say it's time for you to move out on your own and fluck up your own life, and I would seriously think about what is wrong with you more so than what is wrong with your mother. I can't believe you did that! What next, you going to tape her phone conversations and follow her around town, take pictures, call Cheaters??? Grow up.
 spitfire6844
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 96
view profile
History
Cheating mother
Posted: 5/23/2009 10:05:22 PM

Regardless of what your MOTHER has or has not done the fact remains that she carried you, she wiped your a$$, nose and alot of other spots.


That doesn't mean the guy can't be disappointed about what's happening or that he can't confront her (respectfully) about it. The foul names notwithstanding, the guy seems to be genuinely concerned about his mom; and his responses, on the whole, are a lot more thoughtful than some of the posters on here who want to trash him.

People should read the entire thread before commenting.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >