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 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 76
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So how have you changed over the years?Page 5 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I have learned that how I feel doesn't matter. What matters is what I will do for a woman or what I will get for her. The change I have experienced is now I know that I am never going to be loved for who I am. I will only be loved for what I have or what I do.

I think that is one of the saddest things I've seen in a very long time.
 Seakytten
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 77
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 7/30/2011 8:55:30 AM
Op, the last 10 years have been a whirlwind of emotional setbacks and changes for me. I moved to an island in Florida from a comfortable home/job in Northern Virginia. I let go of everything to start over and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've met people that I've loved and ended up hating down the road but regardless, they came into my life for a reason and vice versa.

My attitude about life is your life is what YOU make it. Too many people say 'If only the right person would come along everything would be great'!! Not true. As you get older and your phone rings less and less then either it's you, or it's you. I have friends that call me all day long...but to have a friend you have to be a friend. You can't think you're 'entitled' to a relationship or a friendship because you're just not. (Not you but people in general).

We get what we give and in our 20's and 30's we think we should have that house, that great SO and the kids that will graduate from Harvard and take care of us in our golden years. Well, when you get to be middle-aged and have no kids then your attitude NEEDS to change.

I've changed over the years to not NEED certain people in my life..my friends are my friends because I want them in my life and they want me in theirs. Period. I like who I am and I like who I've become. I like taking care of 6 cats, 45 fish and 14 plants. I don't need anyone to validate my confidence in myself and I don't need anyone's approval for my decisions..good or bad.

Kytten

 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 78
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 7/30/2011 9:39:20 AM
beenambedie said: "I have learned that how I feel doesn't matter. What matters is what I will do for a woman or what I will get for her. The change I have experienced is now I know that I am never going to be loved for who I am. I will only be loved for what I have or what I do."

What if you looked at this from a stand point of: how I approach women and how I present myself to women, In other words if you approach trying to make a women happy by doing and buying for her and she seems to accept these things, but yet does not accept your personality or behavior in general, I would say that there are 2 or more things happening here.
You are not showing your true self up front, instead you are trying to make someone feel something for you by your works. How can you get someone to love you, when you are playing a game of impression?

You probably are choosing women that are immature.
Maybe your looking for something other than what you really need?
If you really want someone as a companion that like similar things...than look in your own daily activities rather than a dating site.
Assuming that you are going to lose, will only serve to set you up for loss, because around every corner of someone elses behavior, you will be looking for the things that prove alas again you have been a victim.
Stop looking for the negative and keep toll of the good things, train your mind to not allow negative thoughts to linger.
 ShellLadySD
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 79
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 7/30/2011 12:00:32 PM
Love the direction this discussion has taken. There's a lot of good stuff up there.
@Marelly - I really enjoyed your post. I found myself nodding and agreeing anew with nearly every paragraph.

@Parrothead and Seakytten- right on.

I have to say, I never thought life would be easy. Never. But I didn't realize how tough "tough" could get, on so many levels. I never realized until the last five or so years how intensely important it is to wake every morning and know where/who I am on my internal GPS. Yeah it changes, but it's up to me to stay on top of it. Otherwise I'm a ship adrift.
 beenambedie
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 80
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 7/31/2011 2:25:51 PM
beenambedie said: "I have learned that how I feel doesn't matter. What matters is what I will do for a woman or what I will get for her. The change I have experienced is now I know that I am never going to be loved for who I am. I will only be loved for what I have or what I do."

What if you looked at this from a stand point of: how I approach women and how I present myself to women, In other words if you approach trying to make a women happy by doing and buying for her and she seems to accept these things, but yet does not accept your personality or behavior in general, I would say that there are 2 or more things happening here.
You are not showing your true self up front, instead you are trying to make someone feel something for you by your works. How can you get someone to love you, when you are playing a game of impression?

You probably are choosing women that are immature.
Maybe your looking for something other than what you really need?
If you really want someone as a companion that like similar things...than look in your own daily activities rather than a dating site.
Assuming that you are going to lose, will only serve to set you up for loss, because around every corner of someone elses behavior, you will be looking for the things that prove alas again you have been a victim.
Stop looking for the negative and keep toll of the good things, train your mind to not allow negative thoughts to linger.

WOW !I really appreciate what you say here. I think it was the last relationship that really turned me sour,although I had others that were the same. She was the same age as me 46 and had 2 daughters. One was 20 and lived with her. Now on more than 1 occasion both my gf and her daughter thanked me for being so GOOD to her. I finally started to realize that I couldn't honestly say the same thing to her. She was not there for me. She was always too tired for me (unless I was taking her somewhere she wanted to go or buying her something) but had plenty of energy for everyone and everything else. I tried 3 times to communicate my feelings to her about it but nothing ever changed. I ended the relationship. She has so far continued to text me for no real reason and if we do talk she ALWAYS tries to turn it around into being my fault. I think she and others have been immature like you said.
 AndyP15
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 81
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/29/2011 3:16:57 PM

She was not there for me. She was always too tired for me (unless I was taking her somewhere she wanted to go or buying her something) but had plenty of energy for everyone and everything else. I tried 3 times to communicate my feelings to her about it but nothing ever changed. I ended the relationship. She has so far continued to text me for no real reason and if we do talk she ALWAYS tries to turn it around into being my fault. I think she and others have been immature like you said.


Good for you! you were strong enough to end a one way relationship - when you stay in one of those relationships they can drain the life out of you...

Back to the original topic:

my biggest change over the years is that I stopped obsessing about what other people think... like the song said, you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself...
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 82
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/29/2011 6:10:52 PM
the things that concern me now are so different and thankfully i have had years of experience that can now be applied to the present!

i think the primary purpose i have on a daily basis is to treat people well. kindness, compassion, acceptance or at least non judgemental, are on the top of my list these days.

thanks to so many for your responses. i can relate to alot of them.

great thread!
 Natgoat
Joined: 3/24/2011
Msg: 83
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/30/2011 9:33:03 AM
I've learned how to treat a lady like a Lady....
I was taught how to Please a Lady...in a relationship ...and a bedroom...
I learned how to slow-dance and be in control of where we go on the dance floor...
I've learned that Love is blind...and occasionally...it *Bump*s into you..!!
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 84
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/30/2011 2:30:45 PM
Learned to be comfortable with myself.

Learned to be more resilient.

Not sure where I am right now, but I am not trying to get somewhere else. Goals have taken a back seat to what would I like to do now. I don't care where I will be and what I will be doing ten years from now as long as I enjoy it.

Realised how lucky I have been.
 swamp_dude
Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 85
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/30/2011 4:59:35 PM
got older and don't heal so quick .... so I don't hurt myself so often.
 meowsaidthetigress
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 86
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 8/31/2011 5:01:57 AM
I got fat but my boobs got huge. I'll take the good with the bad like everyone else.
 maryjay51
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 87
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/1/2011 1:24:07 PM
im a 30 year old in a 51 year old body.. life is way better for me now than it ever was.. i have a great outlook on life and will live to enjoy it until i take my last breath. the thing that changed the most for me is my big desire to make a difference in this world..in my younger years i never really thought much about helping people because i was too busy thinking about myself , raising a daughter, working ect.. life has definitely become easier for me through the years ..my values are totally different ..political views are greatly different. the only thing that hasnt changed is my laugh.. ive always been a belly laugher
 kiwicoffee
Joined: 4/18/2011
Msg: 88
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/2/2011 8:34:01 PM
My interests haven't changed, I still like the same things I did twenty years ago. My biggest change is that I was something of a loner, very solitary and quiet. Now I want to socialise and try new things and experience life.

Life begins at forty, they say. That's how it was for me.
 Hudsonview10960
Joined: 8/10/2011
Msg: 89
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 5:11:04 AM
I'm pretty much the same as I've always been. In my 40's I became an entrepreneur but I've always taken risks and I've always looked at creating a business as an extension of creating art. The biggest change for me was two and half years ago when my mother died. My father had died when I was young and in college. He was only 54.

My mother kept everything. My sister and I went through 4 huge file cabinets of stuff: all my old report cards from nursery school through college, my father's lover letters to her before they were married.

In fact their entire life was in those documents and as I read, I saw a different side to my parents. I was 55, a year older than my father when he died. And as I read about his life papers documenting his struggles, his lost hopes and dreams, his issues with my mother as they got older, it was like watching Death of a Salesman.

I decided that life was too short not to be happy. A month later I had separated from my wife of 21 years, had moved to Soho in New York, began playing jazz flugelhorn, started a new company, and began dating again.

I can honestly say that as a result of all that, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.

One needs to have the guts to embrace life and make changes when changes need to be made.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 90
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 9:52:32 AM
Maturity not only changes people. Death changes people. We, the Boomers are living in an ageing community. People around us are dying. We feel the tremendous loss of beloved family members and friends.... And we (I) have come to realize we are not immortal. We are not immune. In essence...it's a wake-up call.

I don't want to take things in life for granted anymore..I want to enjoy all the little pleasures along the way. After all...it's taken me a while to get here.

And when it comes time to meet St. Peter at the pearly gates, I want to arrive a little dishevelled and out of breathe.

...mae
 swamp_dude
Joined: 7/23/2007
Msg: 91
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 12:04:29 PM
Death changes people ... instantly I thought .... now there is an understatement.

then I read your post and feel yes ... people dying all around does change you too ... but I had that happen long before I aged. It was more of a right of passage into adulthood for me. And it had the same effect you discribed .... hence ... semi retired my whole life.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 92
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 12:59:51 PM
I'm wearing purple sweat pants and a wife-beater t-shirt and I'm OK with it.

I think this is something I've matured into
 Rain587
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 93
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 5:29:54 PM
As life goes on, I continue to grow spiritually and emotionally, and what meant something to me years ago may not now (toys et al.)

I look back and say everything I ever lived - good or bad - has shaped me into what I am today: simple, happy, adventurous, weird laid back, self-assured, willing to take risk, and like the song goes, "Live like you are dying".

I've learned to look for the good with the bad. I'm a meaning seeking creature and know there is a purpose in life.

I don't like to get into politics other then doing my own research before voting. Debates are not for me.

What has stayed the same is I rarely watch TV and I listen to a lot of music. I still have a love of motorcycles (my own) and love a good country music band.

It's rare I drink - maybe a glass of wine or when I go to Hawaii I'll have rum and pineapple juice; but when I was younger I was a weekend clubber and had drinks. Now I prefer to be sober.

I am more stubborn (bullheaded) but if I am passionate about something I will hold onto it. In a crisis, people look to me because I am the calm one taking action.

I've survived molestation, rape, and physical abuse and instead of being depressed about it; it allowed me to grow strong; now no man can hit me and survive himself.

I can travel alone (do so often) and not be lonely. Sure it's fun to have someone with me but I can have fun alone. Like my youngest said she can take me anywhere and I'm making friends. In the past if I had no one to go anywhere I'd stay home.

If someone doesn't like me I don't worry why. It's their prerogative. Those that get to know me see I am not always serious and can get very silly.

In all, I like me flaws and all.
 azul14
Joined: 11/26/2010
Msg: 94
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 6:52:25 PM
I am now comfortable in my own skin...... I am happy with who I am, and realise that if people don't like me the way I am.......that is their problem - not mine.

Things make me happy that made me happy when I was twenty, the difference is I appreciate it more rather than taking it for granted.

My values have more of less stayed the same... I am an individual, and don't follow a crowd/group... That still doesn't go down well... But, I am an original, unique person and very proud of it.
 logo23x3
Joined: 10/12/2010
Msg: 95
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 8:51:33 PM
I would say I have not really totally changed since I was 18. I would have to say that what I have notice is that I have become less tolerance to others bull....shit! Before I would let things slide, now I found out that was the wrong thing to do. Now I usually call them on it. Finding out now at 48 I should have did this at 18. Would have saved me a lot of grief and heart ache along the way.
 Iascaireachta_arĂ­s
Joined: 7/28/2011
Msg: 96
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/3/2011 11:41:13 PM

Do you have the same values, political points of view?
what has changed and what has remained the same?


Being a parent made me realize I couldn't be so selfish anymore. And although my parenting days are now over, I will always be "mom" and that makes me happy. I never expected motherhood to be such a profound change in my life.

On a different note: Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

That was a hard lesson to face, but never the less, had to be learned...
 zippytwo
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 97
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/4/2011 12:25:26 PM
The biggest change came after I divorced after 30 years. I became more mellow. When I was married, I was quietly angry all the time it seemed. There were good times along the way, but always an underlying anxiety.

Today I try to find the 'good' rather than the 'bad' in people, sometimes that's a tall order! I'm more spontaneous but at the same time more cautious too. I've always had a 'six sense' about people and find it more intense now.

I'm more aware of my body and have more than ever listened to my 'gut' and never regretted it. Although I miss having a partner in my life, I'm ok with being single. Dating now is an awful experience, so I'm enjoying the social life without being focused on meeting 'the one'. I subscribe to the notion that if I'm meant to meet someone it'll be in a social situation not on a dating site. I'm not knocking the dating site, I've met so many great people who are now my friends.

And a good attitude is everything in my humble opinion!
 joemac356
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 98
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/5/2011 2:13:54 PM
I'm still the same guy I've always been, except...

I hate flies.
 m14shooter
Joined: 10/2/2009
Msg: 99
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So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/5/2011 3:16:48 PM

beenambedie said: "I have learned that how I feel doesn't matter. What matters is what I will do for a woman or what I will get for her. The change I have experienced is now I know that I am never going to be loved for who I am. I will only be loved for what I have or what I do."

What if you looked at this from a stand point of: how I approach women and how I present myself to women, In other words if you approach trying to make a women happy by doing and buying for her and she seems to accept these things, but yet does not accept your personality or behavior in general, I would say that there are 2 or more things happening here.
You are not showing your true self up front, instead you are trying to make someone feel something for you by your works. How can you get someone to love you, when you are playing a game of impression?

You probably are choosing women that are immature.
Maybe your looking for something other than what you really need?
If you really want someone as a companion that like similar things...than look in your own daily activities rather than a dating site.
Assuming that you are going to lose, will only serve to set you up for loss, because around every corner of someone elses behavior, you will be looking for the things that prove alas again you have been a victim.
Stop looking for the negative and keep toll of the good things, train your mind to not allow negative thoughts to linger.


Maybe some of the women here should change bodies with some of the men so you can get a real feeling of how brutal the dating world really is. Impression is what the dating game is all about along with looks. Some of you live in your little fantasy land and keep telling yourselves everything is perfect. I get what this guy is saying, I have lived it and he speaks the truth.
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 100
So how have you changed over the years?
Posted: 9/6/2011 11:05:32 AM
When I was younger, I was a "hot mess", sad, and attitude of gloom and doom. At 40, I decided that happiness is a decision and proceeded to become happy. I've been promoted at my job, have made a lot of friends and now own a home. I'm more comfortable with myself, have more tolerance in some areas and won't put up with certain behaviors and have established healthy boundaries with others.
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