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Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 53
Seperated but not divorcedPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I'm NOT a religious freak or one of those born-agains, but the BIBLE was right when it included the following statement: "........and the MEEK shall INHERIT the earth"

Curious - you wouldn't be my first definition of meek either.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 67
view profile
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 3:49:42 PM
More smiley faces for POF here:
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 69
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 4:09:25 PM

I have been separated 5 years...and the only reason I have the status of separated is because my X and I do not yet have our divorce. Why? Because I can't be bothered.

It's your choice to remain separated and not divorced.
Yes, it is a mere piece of paper.
A legal piece of paper - recognized by laws, courts, taxes, and religions.

Your statement that you "can't be bothered" to complete the process, would indicate to some people a lack of concern about being obeying laws or respecting the sanctity of legislation or religion.

What for you maybe a "freestyle" of living and applying laws to your life
to others seems....well, whimsically willy nilly and disrespectful.

In searching for a mate, someone to trust with my heart or life I would prefer a man be more....solid, and responsible.

What may appear an enchanting, ethereal behavior to you appears lacking responsibility to me, it also makes my logical mind call "bullshit" and wonder what the real reason for the foot dragging is. Normally when you dig deeper you find that someone doesn't have the finances in order to be "totally" divorced. Or is gaining in some other manner by remaining wed legally.

I feel a five year separation is suspect.
But that's my feeling and opinion and I can respectfully acknowledge that others may feel their way is the correct way for them.
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 72
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:32:08 PM
I was in a relationship for 3 years to this guy anthony and he was seperated and i waited for him to get his divorce,,his wife lived out of state...well that never happened because of his greed not to share financially what is owed to her in the case of a final divorce...well what a headache that was..all that emotional baggage i had to carry around, a wasted 3 years with someone that was a stalemate to himself as so glad im out of the relationship. i have rediscovered myself and have made so many and met NORMAL people that do things right!!
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 73
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 6:47:01 PM
The difference between intelligence and ignorance is the ability to divine that someone who has an opinion different from yours is not without knowledge or relevance. Until such time as a man is stable, and fully and legally divorced I will not date him, and wouldn't even speak to him. My female friends agree. As do my male friends about women who are still legally wed.

This would be our opinions, and we're quite well and fully educated. Thank you for being concerned. I assure you, there's no need.

It is interesting though, your need to call in question someone's intellect because of their feelings or opinions.

Can you not represent your opinion without insult?

Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 75
view profile
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 7:30:18 PM
"Because I can't be bothered. I have no intentions of marrying anyone right now"

can't be bothered with a divorce or child support from him for his child. Don't want to marry ... And you can't figure out why a person wouldn't consider you good dating material if they are looking for a serious relationship?

Not scared you are running back ... just smart enough to hear you that you don't handle your stuff and take care of your legal issues. You don't take responsibility for getting your child the support your child deserves and your not interested.

I don't avoid separated for fear they will go back ... I do it because they haven't completed their business in order to be free to go forward. What tells me that most of all is that they aren't even aware that taking the measly little 6 months to finalize the divorce is too much for them to do without some new relationship to cling to. shudder.
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 76
view profile
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/30/2009 7:34:00 PM
"Courts... they don't order custody and child support for people who are married, do they?"

Unless the child is taken from them and they lose custody they have shared custody and equal liability for support. If children's services takes them they receive papers showing they have lost custody. If the child sues for emancipation they can lose custody if the child proves they can be treated as an adult with no more parental custody.

So, yes, there are custody issues within a marraige.
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 82
view profile
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 5/31/2009 6:08:11 PM
"I've got better things to do with my money than pay a lawyer hundreds of dollars to fill out a piece of paper and serve it."

I've walked 2 women through it this year alone. Download the forms and file them and have a friend serve them. No legal fees. I didn't pay a lawyer for my original divorce .... it was the second wife suing me for custody of my children that cost the money ... not my idea at all. (She never won, just made life hell for 8 years).
Joined: 7/29/2007
Msg: 84
view profile
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:30:33 AM
"NO I am not going back. So why not date!!!"

Nobody is objecting to you dating people who are willing to date a person who is not available for marraige. Until you finish off the old business of completing the divorce from the last marraige you are not available for marraige.

If a person does not take care of their business when it comes to completing the ending of a marital relationship by finishing a divorce, what does it say about how many other things in their life they will leave dangling and incomplete?
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 85
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 6/1/2009 8:34:09 AM

I didn't pay a lawyer for my original divorce .... it was the second wife suing me for custody of my children that cost the money ... not my idea at all. (She never won, just made life hell for 8 years).

Goes to show you that even though you have a divorce...even without paying a lawyer for said divorce, you still can wind up having all kinds of baggage to drag around with you for years (8 in this case) because of said divorce. So, to those people who figure that the lil ol' piece of paper puts an end to it and they are somehow worthier and have no baggage compared to those people who are separated and carrying on their life without drama, it's often a misconception.
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 97
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 6/10/2009 9:11:26 PM
One question: What's a slippery slop?
 Fun and conversation
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 100
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:09:51 AM
He's not sexist, he's just angry. He probably got cheated on, or loved his wife sooo much, that when it was over he just had a hard time with it. If he were sexist, he'd be call all women some foul names.
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 110
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/25/2010 4:38:22 AM

People hate being judged, especially when they know they are in the wrong. I believe separated means still married and never equated that status with going out and dating; just figuring out the marriage and if they still wanted to be married.
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 111
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/26/2010 8:35:08 PM
Why do you assume everyone who hasn't tended to legal paperwork has a "mixed up mind"? I've been separated from my husband for more than six years. We live in different states and he's been in three long-term relationships since we separated. Neither of us would ever entertain the idea of getting back together. There are some legal and practical benefits to remaining married, for us and for his children, and thus far neither of us has had a reason to make a change. If either of us were in a relationship that might lead to marriage or had any other incentive to divorce, it could be done in sixty days--we have no joint property, debts or any other entanglements. The only benefit to doing the paperwork at this stage would be to assuage people who like to project their own emotional attachments and angst onto our situation, which has never seemed to me a good basis for decision-making.
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 112
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 9/25/2011 6:22:21 PM
There are many reasons that people do not divorce especially these days with the economy the way it is! It also depends on other age and financial factors do play a role in it.

I will be honest that I know some women and men will not divorce though they have no communication or connection other than getting updates from their spouses regarding 'legalities' of their marriage! They do not want to lose medical benefits and also there may be other financial considerations regarding retirement funds or benefits that IF they are NOT married to their spouses that they would NOT get. With the market prices of housing right now they don't want any finalizations where both would lose financially on the house. And, Yes, some stay in the home together until they can financially be independent and afford to live seperately.

This dilemma would and or does hamper a future relationship unless it is very well understood each one of them take their chances of telling any potential suitors the situation at hand. Some will look at this as having extra baggage they do not want to chance and others will look at it as too much drama. I feel it is going to be whatever way you decide to handle it. Hopefully it will be adult in manner.

Every relationship that ends has a story. Be up front, stay up front. Better to tell the truth in the beginning instead of at any other time due to it will seem that you held back some valuable information!
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 115
view profile
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:29:24 PM
Wow... I'm Separated... have been for year and 6 months now. IDK when the big D will finaly be taken care of her and I have gone the do it your self route but have not followed all the way through due hang ups in the court system..

but for god sake I would so like to meet a new woman that just realy dont give a rats ass about it LOL so to speak.. its not like at this moment I want to get re married.. even if I do meet the right person I dont see myself getting re married that fast anyways im talking years of dates and building a relationship not weeks or months... then I might jump back into the fire again IDK...

why is it that this is such a big deal to everyone paper or not? rights to see me or what ever if its that important we can go have some papers drawn up that gives you right to see me in a hospital or I can put a will together that entitles you to my stuff if that be the case... or just wait out the process and it will get done in its time.
Joined: 11/28/2010
Msg: 116
view profile
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:31:54 PM
nothing like the proper motivation to expedite things-- Like meeting the one you just know your ment to be with
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 118
Separated but not divorced
Posted: 9/27/2011 9:26:26 AM
Off hand, I can think of two people-two separate cases-who have been separated for around 10 years, but have somewhat valid reasons for not divorcing.

In case one, the couple got married while on vacation on a tropical island by a local justice-of-the-peace. A few years after they split up, the guy was getting serious with another woman and decided to get a divorce because of this new relationship. The problem is he didn't have any marriage papers (a totally disorganized guy), had no proof of any marriage, and the woman he married disappeared and has no idea where she is. With no records of ever being married and no ex around to verify it, he isn't able to get a divorce, even though he wants a divorce. He even tried to contact officials in the tropical island where he got married, but the consulate there said they don't have any records of him getting married. It would be a tricky situation if he and his girlfriend want to get married-there's no proof of a previous marriage, but does he take a chance of being accused of being a polygamist?

In the second case, the husband took off and never left a forwarding address and has never had any contact with his wife since then and the wife has no idea where he is. Like in the first case, she would like to get a divorce, but in order to divorce, you have to notify and serve legal papers to the person you're divorcing. Since she has no idea where he is, she can't divorce. Hiring a private detective to track him down is too costly, and even if she did, he could just as easily disappear a second time.
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 120
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 9/28/2011 7:51:40 PM
Plain and simple I need the tax break! I figure the 800 dolars a month they dont take from my paycheck would be equivolent to the child support he doesnt pay.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 130
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:23:28 PM
I guess I have a strange sense of humour, but when posters say they won't date a separated person, because what if they weren't really over their spouse, what if they went back to them? I have to giggle, has no one of you heard of those couples who divorce, move on and come back to remarry again? Being divorced does not equal never going back to the original spouse. It may make it easier to marry a new person, but if they divorced once, what's to stop them from divorcing YOU and going back anyhow.

Or this one kills me, "I won't have anything to do with someone till I know they are over their SO, so I know they want me or are n love with me." HAHA, what a joke, like you can control if they suddenly do fall for their ex again. Ok, i'll shut up, but im still giggling..

Although I agree, I don't find it giggle-worthy in the least (the sentiment behind the giggle induced post, that is.) This post ^^^ is EXACTLY why some people should NOT enter the dating-pool. If you aren't certain you are ready for someone new, don't bother. If one isn't certain they are capable of being honest and open and into whatever they are seeking (i.e.: dating, LTR, etc.) don't do it. It's highly unlikely that John Doe or Jane Doe is going to fall for an ex while dating or forging a relationship with someone new if they are truly over x, y and/or z. This is just dishonesty at it's height when this happens. Dishonest with one's own self, that is. Most logical adults KNOW when they are ready to move on and they know when they ache for someone from their past. It's pretty simple human emotion on that level. Those cases where John or Jane land with an ex from xxxx number of years ago? Those cases are rare and unusual and albeit romanticized, they aren't the way things usually roll. Anyone throwing out their line should be true to what they are fishing for. Intimate encounter? Great ~ get busy with all the sex offered your direction and do it guilt free, just be honest about it. Dating, nothing serious? Great, enjoy! Nothing like a little frenzy-dating to cure what ails you. LTR? Be certain or don't advertise that you are (and be free and legally single to forge that direction.) It's pretty simple. JMO
Joined: 4/24/2009
Msg: 135
view profile
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/2/2011 10:16:27 PM
I have experienced a relationship with a "separatee," and know firsthand some of the complications and problematic emotional baggage that can occur.

I know firsthand from both friends and my own personal relationships the many complications and problematic emotional baggage that can occur with a divorcee

There ARE separated people who have amicable relationships with there ex. (few, yes but we are out here). We have no emotional feelings but respect for each other. (no baggage) We are not a couple anymore, but we are still a family where our children are involved. He dates and I date. Also, he does not want to see me without health insurance, these days it is good to be amicable.

Amen sister! Ex's do not have to be enemies.

And there are legitimate reasons why some people do not get a devorce.

About 20 years ago I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). I use to be extremely athletic, but the MS has left me with a right-sided weakness which causes me to limp (if the ground is rough I use a cane) and it has affected the use of my right hand. Hence, I am semi-retired. My condition is extremely stable and according to my neurologist, it appears that the MS has "burned out". In other words, the progression has ceased (this is not uncommon when a MSer hits their mid 50's).

Now, I was married for 23 years before the marriage failed in October of 2000 (12 years ago) and ever since then we have been living in different cities. All mutually owned property and assets have been dealt with. Because of the MS, I am uninsurable. And since my ex-wife and I are not enemies we have NOT formalized the divorce and we are maintaining a SEPARATED status. This is so that I may maintain health insurance through her employer and it is NOT for reconciliation. What you have to realize, is that I'm self-employed and because of this "pre-existing condition" no insurance company will cover me. For several years, I was on medication for the MS. Just this single medication, without insurance would have cost me over $1600 per month. With insurance, it was $20. Thats not even considering the yearly MRI studies to moniter the disease.

I have a non-confrontational, low-animosity, workable relationship with my former partner that is focused on not causing harm to the other and maintaining a healthy environment for our 3 children and 7 grandchildren. Therefore, we decided that it would be better to choose separation rather than take the chance that the lack of access to healthcare could cause my condition to degrade and could confine me to a wheelchair or worse. Like I said, we are not enemies.

Please consider this - You and your ex may hate each other, but that doesn't mean that everyone has to be that way. The ability to have civil/friendly discourse with your ex, doesn't not mean that they are going to reconcile. Also, a piece of paper or lack of one does not guarantee the success or quality of any relationship. The success or quality of any relationship is soley dependent on the communication skills and integrity of the participants.


PS I pay for my portion of the heath insurance premium.
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 136
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/3/2011 8:26:51 AM

but thanks for informing everyone that I'm not fit to be in the dating pool. Big of you.

Had you knot knee-jerked and read the sentiment in my post? You'd have realized that I wasn't referring to you when I posted that some people should stay out of the dating pool (or I would have said as much had I thought that ~ which I did not think.) I have no idea if you're single, divorced, widowed, or green ~ as I don't read profiles of posters here in forums unless it's a profile review thread. I was talking in terms of generality of people who mis-lead others when they know they are still emotionally attached to someone, yet leading others to believe otherwise.

Actually, my profile is little more than that a profile. Im on this site for the forums, as I really (usually) enjoy reading takes on lots of questions. I may get my dander up, but I'm honest.

As I said, I don't know a thing about your profile or anyone else's in this particular thread.

"Legally free", far as I'm concerned, I'm American/ Canadian and legal age. I can do as I please.(otherwise known as free, white and over 21, but that would be a little racist and that I'm not) And NO ONE ever has to question if I'm available for marriage. I tell em like it is, I'm separated and open but not looking very hard. I'm socialable, and because of physical drawbacks, I'm unable to do all that fun stuff all you healthy people out there are capable of. So, I find my kicks on sites that allow me to be who I am, say what I like, and talk to anyone who interests me.

You are correct. You are of legal age. That's vastly different than being legally available for ALL things every "free" person is guaranteed. The one thing you can not do? Marry legally (at the moment.) And as I said in my first post, if one is honest with their intentions? Kudos. Doesn't sound like you are one of those people that would be using someone as an emotional-proxy until you return to your ex, nor did I imply you are that type as I wouldn't know that unless you mis-lead me (which obviously has not happened.) Which is what this thread has evolved into talking about. Clearly ~ you do it how you wish to do it, and others will do the same. I still hold to my opinion that one should take care of their legalities before moving on ~ that's the part of marriage that seems to get all sorts of forgotten sometimes. It's not over til it's LEGALLY over. But that's just how I view it. To each their own. JMO
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 137
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/3/2011 9:14:26 AM
I have to giggle, has no one of you heard of those couples who divorce, move on and come back to remarry again?

I had an aunt-God bless her soul-who did exactly that-TWICE.
4 marriage ceremonies but only 2 husbands.
Yes, going back to a former spouse DOES happen, its' not all that uncommon. There are no guarantees, and each individual person needs to make their own decisions on dating people who are not officially divorced, and also needs to realize that the divorce doesn't guarantee that the former relationship won't re-kindle, especially if there are factors that maintain a connection between them( kids,business interests, recreational or hobby interests in common,are some examples.
edit to add-
Yes there ARE some situations where going thru with a divorce can create some
practical and financial nightmares,and the separating couple do agree to remain married "on paper"-even thought that prevents them from making it "official" with a new partner.
Cindy O
Joined: 7/3/2011
Msg: 143
Seperated but not divorced
Posted: 10/4/2011 11:49:44 PM
I personally don't communicate online with separated people. They have unfinished business and are still married. I don't care what their circumstance is and what their story is.
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