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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 46
I'm not attracted to youPage 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

I dunno about that...he wanted me to come over to his apartment to "watch TV"


What was he, in high school?
 sbm4fun
Joined: 12/5/2008
Msg: 48
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/4/2009 5:35:15 PM
so much for good relationships after 30.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 50
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/7/2009 12:07:11 PM
Don't be shaken, you're cute and from what I've read smart. You have every right to be confident. Besides, you have another date tonight. Sounds to me that lots of guys think you're worthwhile. He was just angry because, you told him no. Some guys are childish like that.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 51
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:18:25 PM

You sound like a pretentious snob.

Just wait for the jerk like everyone else does.

Considering the source, I believe a tree stump would sound like a pretentious snob. Still haven't booked that therapy session I see.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 52
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History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/22/2009 8:56:35 AM
Being told by someone that you aren't attractive is something that no one likes being told and, at least in my case, something that I also definitely don't like saying to someone but it is something that I would consider a necessary evil. I want to want my partner and I want my partner to want me because, to me, sex is an important part of a relationship. Aside from its obvious health benefits and entertainment qualities, it also strengthens the bond between two people.


Just remember though that taste isn't universal, everyone has a different definition of what they consider beautiful. You may not have been this persons' taste but that doesn't mean you aren't someone else's.

I think the important thing is that you are happy with the way you look; if you aren't, then either change the way you look or change your own definition of beauty.
(And by changing your look I mean exercise, dieting and/or trying different styles, I am in no way advocating any sort of risky cosmetic surgeries)
 daveincarson
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 54
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/23/2009 7:15:53 AM
In my opinion it's like the old saying "Attraction is not a choice."

I tend to be attracted to Asians big time! Maybe it was from living in Hawaii for so long.. I do not know.. But a lot of us (or for me at least) often have an intense attraction to certain females we meet. I can't explain it.. Maybe Pheromones or something?

For example, I do not have any attraction at all for Jennifer Aniston or Sarah Jessica Parker (I find the latter quite hideous actually..) But Kelly Hu and Monica Bellucci absolutely beautiful!
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 57
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/24/2009 10:33:40 PM
Sounds like his ego was bruised because you turned him down and then he "saved face" by saying he wasn't attracted to you. It makes no sense to ask you out again if he wasn't attracted to you. Whatever is going on in his head, just move forward and don't let it upset your confidence.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:15:58 AM
^^^I don't know about all this, because I went by the OP itself.

I have liked a guy but have had plans when he wanted to go out again - I don't hold off on everything else hoping a guy will want to make plans. If by the time he asks I am busy, then he'll get me when I have time. I can't say based on what's posted if she really did, but the bottom line is he jumped the gun and assumed she wasn't interested without truly knowing.

But bottom line was I believe regardless that he said what he said out of spite when he didn't get the answer he wanted. I think he was attracted or he'd never had asked to go out again.

I also don't think "I'm not attracted to you" is rude or offensive. "You're not attractive" in itself is wrong, but in regards to you in particular isn't terrible since we all find different things attractive. It wouldn't have offended me because it's something that happens to all of us most of every day.
 daveincarson
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 60
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:09:05 AM
^^^^have to agree there. In my opinion saying "I'm sorry, you're just not my type." Is MUCH more polite than saying "I'm not attracted to you" or "Your not attractive."

"I'm sorry, you're very sweet and nice but you're just not my type." Is a better way to put such a delicate issue.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 61
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:27:55 AM
Isn't it strange, though, that you can receive ten "I find you attractives" and it doesn't do much for you, but just ONE "I don't find you attractive" can ruin your week? I try to let this sort of thing run off my back (like water off a duck), but it's just plain mean and INTENDED to be hurtful. Which is why it's a big deal. It's out of left field when someone you don't even KNOW, really, tries to hurt your feelings.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 62
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:53:57 AM
I think it speaks volumes about the character of a person who will deliberately hurt a person's feelings because of some perceived rejection. If he's that way after one date, imagine how he will be later on.
 MrPatient1101
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 64
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History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:09:32 AM
now that this thread is long gone and so was the date you had. In my opinion, he was just mad you said no about the 2nd date and wanted to make you feel like you made him feel. Simple really.

On a side note, I find you attractive Hope everything went well!!
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 65
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History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:49:58 AM
well at least he didnt use the old "you must be a lesbian" come back
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 74
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:28:39 PM
Tracy,

Nope. I didn't. That makes me a pretentious game playing gold digger

Well, no, it doesn't make you maniacal in any way, or even a gold digger lol

What it does mean is that you care less how you come across than you should. Hence, if you care about how someone ELSE comes across, you don't have room to talk. And yes, it is basic "game playing" 101. In your position, it doesn't seem that way because you weren't TRYING to play games. But 95% of game playing is done when we don't try. It usually isn't obvious to us when we do it, it's obvious to the other person, that's all.

The guy obviously was talking out of "sour grapes" with his response say that he didn't like you anyway, etc. However, if after seeing you "play games" on the basic level, he probably wasn't into you (AFTER the fact, tho).

I will defend you in saying that you're not making stuff up. Some people are saying that you're making up a story or whatnot, getting the info slowly and all that -- but the bottom line is you just didn't think a lot of the things were that relevant, so that's understood.

Regardless -- lesson learned, right? :) You're not a horrible person, it's a common "game" or "thing" people end up doing, and I think all of us have done it before... the lesson's just not to repeat being unclear and leaving people hanging when you know they will be hanging! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:52:11 PM


You're not attractive" in itself is wrong, but in regards to you in particular isn't terrible since we all find different things attractive. It wouldn't have offended me because it's something that happens to all of us most of every day.
have to agree there. In my opinion saying "I'm sorry, you're just not my type." Is MUCH more polite than saying "I'm not attracted to you" or "Your not attractive."

My mistake. What I meant to type is that "you're not attractive" in itself is NOT wrong, as it's not about your attractiveness, but rather your attractiveness to that person, and because we're all not attractive to everyone, someone should be able to handle that without taking it personally.

I meant only to isolate "you're not attractive" generally as offensive.

Carry on.
 army3
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 76
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:52:49 PM
Lol- obviously he was validating his own moving on. Little hint- don't let people who mean nothing to you say something that means something.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:14:12 PM
cinsav,

Yes, you make some great points. Basically, it's the classic game-playing that one isn't aware of. They're just "handling things their way". Her initial posts were true to what she felt -- not the back-pedaling later on to make herself seem like a better person (but would only increase the game playing).

Classic scenario: The guy's "nice", but you're not into them. You play along. You smile and say "sure" to the possibility of at some point doing something again. "Drop me a line" you say. Here's where it branches off into different fields, for entertainment and sad-but-true purposes:

(a) You bob-and-weave from seeing him again. He gets ticked, and either says something rude (he's then a "creep") or just disappears after a try or two. (Game Playing of the 3rd Degree)

(b) You do a little bob-and-weave from seeing him again, but lead him on thru text & email. But a time comes around where you're bored or lonely, and decide to meet up with him. It's a little weird, and NOW he sees you lack interest. He's thinking "She could have made things this obvious on our first meeting. Total waste of time." (Game Playing of the 2nd Degree)

(c) Same as (b), but at the end make up for it maybe after a few drinks, and continue to "lead him on", or from your perspective "be nice". It continues onto another hard-to-get date, and maybe another one happens, and the guy keeps thinking he has a chance, because you're signaling him does (to "be nice"). The guy is wasting his time... little sympathy for the guy at this point from others, but a lot of angst toward you, being someone who would do this (usually out of boredom, loneliness, or general need of attention). (Game Playing of the 1st Degree)

Ideally what to do instead (for any gender on either side):
(a) In that first meeting, don't send out signals of interest "to be nice". If they suggest doing something again, at least say "I'll think about it and let you know", or something like that. Put that ball in YOUR court. Don't ask them to contact you if you aren't into them.
(b) If you've already gotten past the first meeting where you led them on thinking there may be something brewing and for them to contact you... when they do, let them know you're not interested. At least at that point, they have little to complain about.

BUT, guys, we do have to understand -- the class "leading on to be nice" scenario is the nature of the game, on both sides, and we can't whine about it. We can chuckle over it, roll our eyes, but not let it affect us. Bottom line is, don't potentially waste your time with a gal who's got the "ehhh, maybe" interest radiating (which may take dating practice to notice). Sure, such a woman may be interested underneath and playing hard to get, but honestly, you don't want to put much effort into such situations. If you have to -- that means she wasn't that into ya.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:34:49 PM
Careful guys. The no win situation of dating for women comes into play here, you know the one where anything but "where have you been all my life - let's get together for good and sign off the site" is the wrong answer after a meeting?

Knowing instantly you're not interested is called "snap judgement" around here and guys constantly complain they're not given a chance before someone eliminates them, even if she does decide to meet him in person but finds him to be not her type.

Giving a guy a chance to learn more about them (unless it leads to a serious relationship) is called "leading a guy on" and guys constantly complain that a woman should have just stated right away she wasn't interested instead of making him think there was more to it.

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all? Date you? Tell you to get lost? Is there a middle ground we can discuss?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 80
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:44:04 PM
^^^Can I subcontract it out? lmao
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 81
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:22:09 PM
Hmmm I figure by three dates if it gets that far you know if it is going to go somewhere. I actually have more respect for women that say I don't see this going anywhere lets part company, because at that point most of the time I'm thinking the same thing and trying to find a tactful way out. Even if I get an email, hey I don't think this is going to work out is cool with me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 82
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:19:43 PM
WomanInProgress,

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all?

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:07:23 PM

I don't know...in your case I might request some extended negotiations. Might even have to go to arbitration!

Ok, well then I'll send lawyers in then, whatever works as long as I don't have to show up in the end, lol.

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

If I am not interested immediately, I cut the meeting short - not that I plan em that long to begin with. However I have met guys I thought were cool, fun to hang out with, and enjoyed laughing and talking with that I wasn't immediately attracted to, and so I felt it was premature to call it a no. That's my point, and IF this is the OP's scenario, then that's why I mentioned it.

In that case I would meet them again to be sure it was a no before I called it. However yes, if I know in the first meeting I am not interested, I'll do a handshake "good luck have a nice life" thing at the end or when I end it.

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested. I don't get bored or lonely, it's not really my thing. I don't get the impression the OP was acting out of boredom or lonliness.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%. I feel that's unfair. I didn't get the sense the OP was doing this cause she was bored either.

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)

No, if I don't like a guy romantically at all and it's evident right away, I never will. However, I don't consider meeting a person a second time leading them on - if I dated them for three months and then decided I didn't like him that'd be different. A second meeting is way too early to call anything but wanting more information. And yes, I call it straight when that's the case. The guy then is free to choose what he wants to do about it...no worries.

I was under the impression from the OP that she was on the fence and wanted to meet again to be sure, but wasn't available the day he mentioned (and if she had another date, that's irrelevant - no one's exclusive here). For all we know based on the original post she could have been about to suggest another day and he jumped in and told her he wasn't into her anyway in which case it'd be pointless to make a suggestion.

Men are constantly going on and on about how the guys we're not typically into may be the ones we should be considering if we want something serious. I still say that when a woman does this it goes from her not knowing enough to make a decision to her leading him on. If you want women to give anyone a second look she's not immediately smitten by, then don't bust her stones about it when she does.

Or we could all just go back to knowing if we like you based on one picture, and we can call it a day.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 85
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:09:05 PM
WomanInProgress,

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested.

I understand when you hang out with someone who's fun to hang out with, then really, it can come down to how you come across as to whether it's a petty issue or not. However, regardless, I did hold an opinion pretty much the same as you, but when you're unsure if you're interested -- by definition, you're not. You're just holding out to see if you "could be". Now, I'm not talking about magic sparks flying, as I don't hold a fantasy-world perspective by any means... but if you don't feel sexual attraction toward that person but they're "fun" -- that has friend-zone written all over it.

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%.

Awesome... well, we do agree that that is the general outcome. But you're saying you don't "cut them off at the knees", which is what I mean by "because I want to be nice". You know pretty much that it ISN'T going to fly, BUT they are cool, and fun to hang out with. That's classic stringing along rationale, even if it doesn't get to that point, but I will grant you, a 2nd date or teasing someone to the possibility of a 2nd date isn't emotionally damaging. But it does aid in a frustrating image of the "dating scene" for most folks. I think those of us with good dating experience (which I'm sure you do), should step away from that.

And let me correct myself -- not just out of boredom & lonliness, but also "to be nice" or for one's own interests of having a nice time with someone they aren't/don't-know-if interested in.

I'm not saying being smitten -- just a "yes, I'm attracted to them (at this point)". No crush required. And there IS a difference between whether you should date someone, and whether you're attracted or not! :) Of course, it may take a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date to be confident that the person's dateable... Which is why when it comes to the attraction part of it, you should be sure about it, which doesn't take much time, because there's always that "would it be wise to date them?" concept that would take time to deal with anyway.

But if they're fun to hang out with but you're "unsure" about whether you're attracted/interested in them, then you're not into them anything more than a friend... and we agree generally speaking, you won't be... so my perspective is that one shouldn't go down that road, because that's what at least leads to stringing folks along. I've done it before without knowing, and actually defending myself that it was the "unsure" stuff, when they were really fun and had great friends, etc.
 AliB777
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 86
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/30/2009 2:24:04 PM
oh god ! Don't worry about it honey he didn't deserve you anyways.
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