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 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 57
I'm not attracted to youPage 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Sounds like his ego was bruised because you turned him down and then he "saved face" by saying he wasn't attracted to you. It makes no sense to ask you out again if he wasn't attracted to you. Whatever is going on in his head, just move forward and don't let it upset your confidence.
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 58
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/24/2009 11:49:58 PM
First, to WomanInProgress... I love ya (not literally) and your posts and usually agree with you most of the time, but in this particular case I have to call BS on the OP.

For one her comment "he wasn't a hottie (but neither am I)" - I think is pretty telling. She is gorgeous and, I believe, knows it. Typically (not always) people that look that good are fully aware of it. So, I don't buy the low esteem claim made by some of the other posters. Secondly, "he wasn't a hottie" in and of itself doesn't mean much - but when you add her other comments "his profile said he was 6 foot tall, brown hair, brown eyes..." In otherwords she was expecting tall, dark and handsome - she was indeed expecting eye candy.

Now in her defense I wouldn't thrilled if the person I was getting to know showed up looking nothing like her photo. But, I don't think this was the case. She was turned on by his photo and self-description, but in person turned out not to be the "hottie" she denies she expected.

Thirdly, "LOLOLOL - I dig the surburban dad thing - that's why i went out with him in the first place. I think its cute" - right.... she thinks it cute? BS. What does "40 something surburban dad thing" translate into? Here's a hint... $$$$. That's right, most 40 something surburban dad types are usually well-to-do, own their own home and are established in successful careers (usually).

What do I think of this whole thing (going by what I've read here)? I don't buy for one second that the OP is "insecure" or "sensitive," nor do I buy that she doesn't realize how good looking she is. It's all BS. She expects tall, dark, handsome and rich. And this guy failed to deliver.

Now - what amazes me is how everyone is jumping on her side (well most everyone) and no one noticed that she never told him she wasn't interested. No, I read through all her replies and no where did I see where she took the time to spell it out. What she did was reply to his request for a second date with "I have plans" - nothing about "I'm am looking for something different, so I wish you the best of luck." She screwed with his head. Ask yourselves why. If she wasn't interested in him then why would she not have just said so when he asked her out for a second date? Why stop with "I have plans" and leave it at that? She claims one minute not to be attracted to the guy at all, then a few replies later claims that maybe "she might have a second date to see if there was any romantic interest." Which made me lol.

Bottom line is I think I see through her pretty clearly. Again, she expected tall, dark, handsome, and rich, she didn't get what she expected so she had a little fun by toying with his head and leading him on a little.

Not only is she indeed pretentious she's also a game player.

If ya'll can't see that... well.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 5:15:58 AM
^^^I don't know about all this, because I went by the OP itself.

I have liked a guy but have had plans when he wanted to go out again - I don't hold off on everything else hoping a guy will want to make plans. If by the time he asks I am busy, then he'll get me when I have time. I can't say based on what's posted if she really did, but the bottom line is he jumped the gun and assumed she wasn't interested without truly knowing.

But bottom line was I believe regardless that he said what he said out of spite when he didn't get the answer he wanted. I think he was attracted or he'd never had asked to go out again.

I also don't think "I'm not attracted to you" is rude or offensive. "You're not attractive" in itself is wrong, but in regards to you in particular isn't terrible since we all find different things attractive. It wouldn't have offended me because it's something that happens to all of us most of every day.
 daveincarson
Joined: 1/15/2008
Msg: 60
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:09:05 AM
^^^^have to agree there. In my opinion saying "I'm sorry, you're just not my type." Is MUCH more polite than saying "I'm not attracted to you" or "Your not attractive."

"I'm sorry, you're very sweet and nice but you're just not my type." Is a better way to put such a delicate issue.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 61
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:27:55 AM
Isn't it strange, though, that you can receive ten "I find you attractives" and it doesn't do much for you, but just ONE "I don't find you attractive" can ruin your week? I try to let this sort of thing run off my back (like water off a duck), but it's just plain mean and INTENDED to be hurtful. Which is why it's a big deal. It's out of left field when someone you don't even KNOW, really, tries to hurt your feelings.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 62
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 8:53:57 AM
I think it speaks volumes about the character of a person who will deliberately hurt a person's feelings because of some perceived rejection. If he's that way after one date, imagine how he will be later on.
 MrPatient1101
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 64
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:09:32 AM
now that this thread is long gone and so was the date you had. In my opinion, he was just mad you said no about the 2nd date and wanted to make you feel like you made him feel. Simple really.

On a side note, I find you attractive Hope everything went well!!
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 65
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:49:58 AM
well at least he didnt use the old "you must be a lesbian" come back
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 67
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 12:46:15 PM
^^^^

That's my point.

She said and I quote:


<div class='quote'> No, I didn't feel like I was on the hook at all, because I wasn't that interested in him. I just thought it was weird that he decided he wasn't attracted to me after I declined a 2nd date...I

She had no intention of going on a second date. So rather than telling him "Hey, you're a great guy and it was nice meeting you, but I'm honestly looking for something else... I wish you the best of luck in your search."

She tells him:


<div class='quote'> I have plans

She wasn't interested in seeing him again, yet rather than just being honest and up front about it she lead him on to believe there was still a chance, even there in her own words - she wasn't that interested in him.

That's the main problem I have with her. People can't read minds (and men are just as guilty as women when it comes to beating around the bush and or intentionally leading someone on)... when someone asks you out and you're not interested you need to be upfront and tell them, matter of factly, that you're not willing to see them again. Not give them some vague reply that conveys a misleading intention.

That's my two cents.


edit: OP if it is true that you were willing to go out on a second date, then why didn't you say "I have plans tonight, but I would like to see you again, maybe this weekend?"
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 69
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:01:05 PM
LOL.

You're completely missing the point. No one is disputing that you already had plans for the night. You're either avoiding my question, or not understanding what I am asking.

The question is: When he asked you out for a second date, did you bother telling him you would like to have seen him again, but you were busy that particular night and then suggest a different night?

Let me give you two situations:

A. I send you a message...

Me: Just wondering if you were free tonight, you want to get together?
You: I have plans.

I would be left thinking... umkay, so is she interested or not? Is there a chance we're going out again, or no?

B. I send you a message...

Me: Just wondering if you were free tonight, you want to get together?
You: I have plans, but I would like to see you again, maybe this weekend?

Now I KNOW you're at least interested in one more meeting and not screwing with my head.

See the difference?

So, again, the question is did you bother telling him you WERE interested in seeing him again, but just not on that particular night, or did you leave him hanging wondering what your inentions really were?
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 71
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 1:16:20 PM
That's exactly what it makes you. You are indeed a head game player.

And, I don't believe for a second you were interested in possibly seeing him again. You made too many comments about not being attracted to him, or about "walking through a bad part of town and him not being the type of guy you'd want to be with in that situation" and so forth.

I think you knew full well what you were doing by screwing with his head - he saw the writing on the wall and told you off first - which is something little princess isn't used to.

I give the man credit...
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 74
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:28:39 PM
Tracy,

Nope. I didn't. That makes me a pretentious game playing gold digger

Well, no, it doesn't make you maniacal in any way, or even a gold digger lol

What it does mean is that you care less how you come across than you should. Hence, if you care about how someone ELSE comes across, you don't have room to talk. And yes, it is basic "game playing" 101. In your position, it doesn't seem that way because you weren't TRYING to play games. But 95% of game playing is done when we don't try. It usually isn't obvious to us when we do it, it's obvious to the other person, that's all.

The guy obviously was talking out of "sour grapes" with his response say that he didn't like you anyway, etc. However, if after seeing you "play games" on the basic level, he probably wasn't into you (AFTER the fact, tho).

I will defend you in saying that you're not making stuff up. Some people are saying that you're making up a story or whatnot, getting the info slowly and all that -- but the bottom line is you just didn't think a lot of the things were that relevant, so that's understood.

Regardless -- lesson learned, right? :) You're not a horrible person, it's a common "game" or "thing" people end up doing, and I think all of us have done it before... the lesson's just not to repeat being unclear and leaving people hanging when you know they will be hanging! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 75
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:52:11 PM


You're not attractive" in itself is wrong, but in regards to you in particular isn't terrible since we all find different things attractive. It wouldn't have offended me because it's something that happens to all of us most of every day.
have to agree there. In my opinion saying "I'm sorry, you're just not my type." Is MUCH more polite than saying "I'm not attracted to you" or "Your not attractive."

My mistake. What I meant to type is that "you're not attractive" in itself is NOT wrong, as it's not about your attractiveness, but rather your attractiveness to that person, and because we're all not attractive to everyone, someone should be able to handle that without taking it personally.

I meant only to isolate "you're not attractive" generally as offensive.

Carry on.
 army3
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 76
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:52:49 PM
Lol- obviously he was validating his own moving on. Little hint- don't let people who mean nothing to you say something that means something.
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 77
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 12:26:24 AM
Eh... I know her type well... I dated them for years.

I don't think the guy had sour grapes... I really think he just saw that he was being toyed with and decided to strike back by attacting the one thing she holds near and dear... her looks. Of course she claims she doesn't think she's all that great looking, but her profile title "cute girl looking for...." says otherwise.

She spent a good portion of her initial posts making it clear she wasn't interested in him, or seeing him again - going as far as to inform us that he didn't look like the tall, dark and handsome guy she expected. Now, for that in and of itself I don't blame her. If he lied about what he looked like, then she has every right to toss him to the curb. What makes this all interesting (to me at least) is that after she made it clear she wasn't into him, some posters called her to the proverbial carpet by asking if she bothered telling him such. That's when her story changed from not being interested, to possibly being interested.

Proof?

Her intial post:




<div class='quote'>I went out on a lucnh date with someone last week, and he was "ok"...a nice guy, not really my type


Her second post:




<div class='quote'>because I wasn't that interested in him


And later...




<div class='quote'>looked good in his pictures...but sometimes people in person don't look like their pictures. But mostly I think I wasn't attracted to him because of his personality.


So after all that effort in making it clear he wasn't her type and pretty clear she wasn't interested in seeming him again, someone posts:




<div class='quote'>oh and the nice responce is to not reject the poor schmuch after one date(unless he was giving off the rapist serial killer vibe)


And voila! The story changes from not being interested to suddenly:



<div class='quote'>For the record, I might have gone out with this guy again - on another day - just to see if maybe there was something there chemsitry wise....


So we go from not being my type, looking nothing like his picture, not being attracted to him because of his personality... to... maybe there might be some chemistry there (ONLY after someone calls her out on it)? lol.

Come on guys/gals. The truth of the matter is she is used to having men chase and suck up to her... she is used to getting her way... trust me... I KNOW this type well, I have plenty of experience with "them." The guys that don't measure up to her expectations of what she "deserves" (e.g. those that aren't tall, dark, handsome and rich) are seen as beneith her and fun to screw with. Do you really believe she didn't know what she was doing when she told him "I have plans" without offering to meet on a different date? Hell yes she did. She knew he was into her and wanted to see her again, she had no interest, so (because he was just as average shmuck) she figured why not screw with him a little... lead him on... make him think he actually had a real chance and sooner or later yank the rug out from under him. He saw it coming and struck first, period.

It really is that simple.

Anyway, this topic is tired now.

Despite what I think of the OP (and her type) I hope she finds happiness and what's she is really looking for. I really do.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:14:12 PM
cinsav,

Yes, you make some great points. Basically, it's the classic game-playing that one isn't aware of. They're just "handling things their way". Her initial posts were true to what she felt -- not the back-pedaling later on to make herself seem like a better person (but would only increase the game playing).

Classic scenario: The guy's "nice", but you're not into them. You play along. You smile and say "sure" to the possibility of at some point doing something again. "Drop me a line" you say. Here's where it branches off into different fields, for entertainment and sad-but-true purposes:

(a) You bob-and-weave from seeing him again. He gets ticked, and either says something rude (he's then a "creep") or just disappears after a try or two. (Game Playing of the 3rd Degree)

(b) You do a little bob-and-weave from seeing him again, but lead him on thru text & email. But a time comes around where you're bored or lonely, and decide to meet up with him. It's a little weird, and NOW he sees you lack interest. He's thinking "She could have made things this obvious on our first meeting. Total waste of time." (Game Playing of the 2nd Degree)

(c) Same as (b), but at the end make up for it maybe after a few drinks, and continue to "lead him on", or from your perspective "be nice". It continues onto another hard-to-get date, and maybe another one happens, and the guy keeps thinking he has a chance, because you're signaling him does (to "be nice"). The guy is wasting his time... little sympathy for the guy at this point from others, but a lot of angst toward you, being someone who would do this (usually out of boredom, loneliness, or general need of attention). (Game Playing of the 1st Degree)

Ideally what to do instead (for any gender on either side):
(a) In that first meeting, don't send out signals of interest "to be nice". If they suggest doing something again, at least say "I'll think about it and let you know", or something like that. Put that ball in YOUR court. Don't ask them to contact you if you aren't into them.
(b) If you've already gotten past the first meeting where you led them on thinking there may be something brewing and for them to contact you... when they do, let them know you're not interested. At least at that point, they have little to complain about.

BUT, guys, we do have to understand -- the class "leading on to be nice" scenario is the nature of the game, on both sides, and we can't whine about it. We can chuckle over it, roll our eyes, but not let it affect us. Bottom line is, don't potentially waste your time with a gal who's got the "ehhh, maybe" interest radiating (which may take dating practice to notice). Sure, such a woman may be interested underneath and playing hard to get, but honestly, you don't want to put much effort into such situations. If you have to -- that means she wasn't that into ya.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:34:49 PM
Careful guys. The no win situation of dating for women comes into play here, you know the one where anything but "where have you been all my life - let's get together for good and sign off the site" is the wrong answer after a meeting?

Knowing instantly you're not interested is called "snap judgement" around here and guys constantly complain they're not given a chance before someone eliminates them, even if she does decide to meet him in person but finds him to be not her type.

Giving a guy a chance to learn more about them (unless it leads to a serious relationship) is called "leading a guy on" and guys constantly complain that a woman should have just stated right away she wasn't interested instead of making him think there was more to it.

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all? Date you? Tell you to get lost? Is there a middle ground we can discuss?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 80
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:44:04 PM
^^^Can I subcontract it out? lmao
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 81
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:22:09 PM
Hmmm I figure by three dates if it gets that far you know if it is going to go somewhere. I actually have more respect for women that say I don't see this going anywhere lets part company, because at that point most of the time I'm thinking the same thing and trying to find a tactful way out. Even if I get an email, hey I don't think this is going to work out is cool with me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 82
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:19:43 PM
WomanInProgress,

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all?

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:07:23 PM

I don't know...in your case I might request some extended negotiations. Might even have to go to arbitration!

Ok, well then I'll send lawyers in then, whatever works as long as I don't have to show up in the end, lol.

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

If I am not interested immediately, I cut the meeting short - not that I plan em that long to begin with. However I have met guys I thought were cool, fun to hang out with, and enjoyed laughing and talking with that I wasn't immediately attracted to, and so I felt it was premature to call it a no. That's my point, and IF this is the OP's scenario, then that's why I mentioned it.

In that case I would meet them again to be sure it was a no before I called it. However yes, if I know in the first meeting I am not interested, I'll do a handshake "good luck have a nice life" thing at the end or when I end it.

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested. I don't get bored or lonely, it's not really my thing. I don't get the impression the OP was acting out of boredom or lonliness.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%. I feel that's unfair. I didn't get the sense the OP was doing this cause she was bored either.

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)

No, if I don't like a guy romantically at all and it's evident right away, I never will. However, I don't consider meeting a person a second time leading them on - if I dated them for three months and then decided I didn't like him that'd be different. A second meeting is way too early to call anything but wanting more information. And yes, I call it straight when that's the case. The guy then is free to choose what he wants to do about it...no worries.

I was under the impression from the OP that she was on the fence and wanted to meet again to be sure, but wasn't available the day he mentioned (and if she had another date, that's irrelevant - no one's exclusive here). For all we know based on the original post she could have been about to suggest another day and he jumped in and told her he wasn't into her anyway in which case it'd be pointless to make a suggestion.

Men are constantly going on and on about how the guys we're not typically into may be the ones we should be considering if we want something serious. I still say that when a woman does this it goes from her not knowing enough to make a decision to her leading him on. If you want women to give anyone a second look she's not immediately smitten by, then don't bust her stones about it when she does.

Or we could all just go back to knowing if we like you based on one picture, and we can call it a day.
 cinsav
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 84
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:15:07 PM
I do believe there is a difference between how WomanInProgress would handle the situation compared to the OP.

WinP seems to be very straightforward and to the point - a no BS kind of gal. She can correct me if I am wrong, but if she has a date with someone who she is unsure about, I suspect that if that person asked her out again she'd be quite frank about her standing. In otherwords she, should she have been in the same situation, I suspect would have told the guy she would think about it and let him know. On the same note I also believe that if she had no desire to see him again she'd flat out tell him so. I don't see her a game player.

The OP on the other hand had no desire to see the guy again, but toyed with him a little by essentially leading him on. I DO see her as a game player.

BIG DIFFERENCE.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 85
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:09:05 PM
WomanInProgress,

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested.

I understand when you hang out with someone who's fun to hang out with, then really, it can come down to how you come across as to whether it's a petty issue or not. However, regardless, I did hold an opinion pretty much the same as you, but when you're unsure if you're interested -- by definition, you're not. You're just holding out to see if you "could be". Now, I'm not talking about magic sparks flying, as I don't hold a fantasy-world perspective by any means... but if you don't feel sexual attraction toward that person but they're "fun" -- that has friend-zone written all over it.

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%.

Awesome... well, we do agree that that is the general outcome. But you're saying you don't "cut them off at the knees", which is what I mean by "because I want to be nice". You know pretty much that it ISN'T going to fly, BUT they are cool, and fun to hang out with. That's classic stringing along rationale, even if it doesn't get to that point, but I will grant you, a 2nd date or teasing someone to the possibility of a 2nd date isn't emotionally damaging. But it does aid in a frustrating image of the "dating scene" for most folks. I think those of us with good dating experience (which I'm sure you do), should step away from that.

And let me correct myself -- not just out of boredom & lonliness, but also "to be nice" or for one's own interests of having a nice time with someone they aren't/don't-know-if interested in.

I'm not saying being smitten -- just a "yes, I'm attracted to them (at this point)". No crush required. And there IS a difference between whether you should date someone, and whether you're attracted or not! :) Of course, it may take a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date to be confident that the person's dateable... Which is why when it comes to the attraction part of it, you should be sure about it, which doesn't take much time, because there's always that "would it be wise to date them?" concept that would take time to deal with anyway.

But if they're fun to hang out with but you're "unsure" about whether you're attracted/interested in them, then you're not into them anything more than a friend... and we agree generally speaking, you won't be... so my perspective is that one shouldn't go down that road, because that's what at least leads to stringing folks along. I've done it before without knowing, and actually defending myself that it was the "unsure" stuff, when they were really fun and had great friends, etc.
 AliB777
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 86
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/30/2009 2:24:04 PM
oh god ! Don't worry about it honey he didn't deserve you anyways.
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