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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
I'm not attracted to youPage 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Careful guys. The no win situation of dating for women comes into play here, you know the one where anything but "where have you been all my life - let's get together for good and sign off the site" is the wrong answer after a meeting?

Knowing instantly you're not interested is called "snap judgement" around here and guys constantly complain they're not given a chance before someone eliminates them, even if she does decide to meet him in person but finds him to be not her type.

Giving a guy a chance to learn more about them (unless it leads to a serious relationship) is called "leading a guy on" and guys constantly complain that a woman should have just stated right away she wasn't interested instead of making him think there was more to it.

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all? Date you? Tell you to get lost? Is there a middle ground we can discuss?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 80
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:44:04 PM
^^^Can I subcontract it out? lmao
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 81
view profile
History
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 3:22:09 PM
Hmmm I figure by three dates if it gets that far you know if it is going to go somewhere. I actually have more respect for women that say I don't see this going anywhere lets part company, because at that point most of the time I'm thinking the same thing and trying to find a tactful way out. Even if I get an email, hey I don't think this is going to work out is cool with me.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 82
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 4:19:43 PM
WomanInProgress,

What do you suggest we do if we're not sure in the first 5 minutes that we don't like you at all?

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 83
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/27/2009 5:07:23 PM

I don't know...in your case I might request some extended negotiations. Might even have to go to arbitration!

Ok, well then I'll send lawyers in then, whatever works as long as I don't have to show up in the end, lol.

I really don't believe that's exactly the scenario here, though. The scenario is what do you do when you're NOT interested during the first meeting/date? I think the same goes for guys as well as girls. Pretend that you are interested "to be nice"? Say that yes, you'd be up to see them again? Tell -them- to call you?

If I am not interested immediately, I cut the meeting short - not that I plan em that long to begin with. However I have met guys I thought were cool, fun to hang out with, and enjoyed laughing and talking with that I wasn't immediately attracted to, and so I felt it was premature to call it a no. That's my point, and IF this is the OP's scenario, then that's why I mentioned it.

In that case I would meet them again to be sure it was a no before I called it. However yes, if I know in the first meeting I am not interested, I'll do a handshake "good luck have a nice life" thing at the end or when I end it.

I would say no to those 3 answers. Hey, it's awkward for anyone when you're out on a meeting/date and you know you're not that interested in them... but I would say the rule of thumb is that you don't "give it a chance" out of boredom, loneliness, etc.

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested. I don't get bored or lonely, it's not really my thing. I don't get the impression the OP was acting out of boredom or lonliness.

If you don't know if you like them by the end of the meeting/date (which by the way, would last much more than just 5 minutes), then you don't like them. :)

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%. I feel that's unfair. I didn't get the sense the OP was doing this cause she was bored either.

Hey, doesn't mean potentially you COULD end up liking someone you really didn't before... Heck, some people hate others and end up liking them. Point is, don't purposely lead things on UNLESS you DO like them (not love; not crush; just "yes, I'm sexually attracted to him/her"). Otherwise, you're wasting both your time, and ticking the other one off! :)

No, if I don't like a guy romantically at all and it's evident right away, I never will. However, I don't consider meeting a person a second time leading them on - if I dated them for three months and then decided I didn't like him that'd be different. A second meeting is way too early to call anything but wanting more information. And yes, I call it straight when that's the case. The guy then is free to choose what he wants to do about it...no worries.

I was under the impression from the OP that she was on the fence and wanted to meet again to be sure, but wasn't available the day he mentioned (and if she had another date, that's irrelevant - no one's exclusive here). For all we know based on the original post she could have been about to suggest another day and he jumped in and told her he wasn't into her anyway in which case it'd be pointless to make a suggestion.

Men are constantly going on and on about how the guys we're not typically into may be the ones we should be considering if we want something serious. I still say that when a woman does this it goes from her not knowing enough to make a decision to her leading him on. If you want women to give anyone a second look she's not immediately smitten by, then don't bust her stones about it when she does.

Or we could all just go back to knowing if we like you based on one picture, and we can call it a day.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 85
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:09:05 PM
WomanInProgress,

Not at all - I have only done it out of genuinely getting along with the guy or being unsure I wasn't interested.

I understand when you hang out with someone who's fun to hang out with, then really, it can come down to how you come across as to whether it's a petty issue or not. However, regardless, I did hold an opinion pretty much the same as you, but when you're unsure if you're interested -- by definition, you're not. You're just holding out to see if you "could be". Now, I'm not talking about magic sparks flying, as I don't hold a fantasy-world perspective by any means... but if you don't feel sexual attraction toward that person but they're "fun" -- that has friend-zone written all over it.

Generally I would say this is the outcome, yes - but I don't like to cut someone off at the knees if I don't know 100%.

Awesome... well, we do agree that that is the general outcome. But you're saying you don't "cut them off at the knees", which is what I mean by "because I want to be nice". You know pretty much that it ISN'T going to fly, BUT they are cool, and fun to hang out with. That's classic stringing along rationale, even if it doesn't get to that point, but I will grant you, a 2nd date or teasing someone to the possibility of a 2nd date isn't emotionally damaging. But it does aid in a frustrating image of the "dating scene" for most folks. I think those of us with good dating experience (which I'm sure you do), should step away from that.

And let me correct myself -- not just out of boredom & lonliness, but also "to be nice" or for one's own interests of having a nice time with someone they aren't/don't-know-if interested in.

I'm not saying being smitten -- just a "yes, I'm attracted to them (at this point)". No crush required. And there IS a difference between whether you should date someone, and whether you're attracted or not! :) Of course, it may take a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th date to be confident that the person's dateable... Which is why when it comes to the attraction part of it, you should be sure about it, which doesn't take much time, because there's always that "would it be wise to date them?" concept that would take time to deal with anyway.

But if they're fun to hang out with but you're "unsure" about whether you're attracted/interested in them, then you're not into them anything more than a friend... and we agree generally speaking, you won't be... so my perspective is that one shouldn't go down that road, because that's what at least leads to stringing folks along. I've done it before without knowing, and actually defending myself that it was the "unsure" stuff, when they were really fun and had great friends, etc.
 AliB777
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 86
I'm not attracted to you
Posted: 6/30/2009 2:24:04 PM
oh god ! Don't worry about it honey he didn't deserve you anyways.
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