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 ohdriver
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 8
Comfort ZonePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I am pretty sure men do this to but we just end up call the woman "crazy" or "psycho" and dodge accountability as much as we can.

Really?
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 9
Comfort Zone
Posted: 5/31/2009 11:09:10 PM
There's a saying, "better the hell I know than facing the unknown". People are scared of the unknown, which is why we sit in those "comfort zones". However, emotionally comfort zones can be death traps.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 10
Comfort Zone
Posted: 5/31/2009 11:23:04 PM
Doing the same thing over and over but expecting differant results is not Einsteins definition, it's from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Known in the A.A. community has The Big Book. I believe it's page 52 but I could be mistaken on that.
The same could be said for this thread. Over and over and over and over and over and over we get these threads about why are women attracted to bad boys. And over and over and over and over and over again the same redundant old crap.
Generalizations suck.
Not all women are attracted to a-holes.
You can't fix those that are.
Just be yourself.
Date nice women.
Is there something so difficult about that?
 2hi-iq-4u
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 13
Comfort Zone
Posted: 6/1/2009 11:23:54 PM
I think most people just don't know how to identify abusive personalities, and lots of people seem to get a kick out of watching the abuser treat someone else badly until it is their turn to be abused. I learned it the hard way, and that is my honest opinion.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:05:10 AM

I had had a series of moments in my life where I was glimpsing the truth about myself and relationships....but I was put on the path to change when I woke up after being in a "relationship" with another Mr. Emotionally Unavailable and suddenly thought "I can't do this!" We'd spent the previous evening together, laughing....joking....playing around and appearing to be happy. As he got ready to leave my place the following morning though, it occurred to me that the black cloud had returned again.

^^^I had a similar sort of relationship last year. It wasn't comfortable for me either...and I, like you had an epiphany about what I needed and what I wanted which came sometime after it ended, and after almost becoming involved with another version of that man.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 16
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:36:21 AM
Take a closer look at some of these people who are attracted to "poorly sociables" (I have), and you'll notice...they share those qualities. For example, people who aren't afraid to ask you for money, who aren't great at spending it, can sometime be found w/ a partner like that. A opportunist who doesn't hold back on hurting other people, may have more than a few cheaters in their past. Et cetera.

Its not that they seek this person...they just don't recognize behavior like their own, as bad. I knew a man who's father beat everyone in the family. The man's sister twice married wife beaters, and he ended up w/ an abusive spouse. It wasn't that he looked for her--he knew what was there, and figured he had handled it before, and since he wasn't finanicially stable--he was always trying to get the bullies in his life in trouble, rather than get financially stable--he went w/ her. I told him, next time he finds someone who makes him feel at home--that's the sign to run.

Some women do believe they are destined to have a hard life. Which raises the obvious question:

where the Hell did they learn to expect this in their life?

It wasn't that they ate the wrong cereal one day, and changed their way of thinking to this. its they grew up learning this. Probably, irresponsibility in their lives meant a lot of things going wrong (naturally), so they felt their thoughts of hard life being reinforced by their own experiences...instead of simply saying, "I have this problem b/c I caused it."

In order to step out of the comfort zone, you have to bring yourself with you. How many of "these people" feel comfortable bringing themselves to the table to offer? do they think they really can get a good guy? Do they think they can maintain a healthy relationship...or will they, themselves, backslide? That comfort zone could possibly mean, they don't have to step up to the plate. They don't have to be an adult. They don't have to take responsiblity for the needs in their life, if they can find a control freak to take care of them.
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 17
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:55:07 AM
It's not a comfort zone nor is it my late Da's fault as I heard suggested. I am an azzhole magnet.
They live with mum and turn out to be irresponsible. Unfortunately, it takes time for the real person to shine through. They paint a pretty picture during the honeymoon stage.

My older son's dad and I did great until after I had him. We went everywhere together. But after the baby, he still wouldn't work. (still doesn't still lives w/90yr old mum). This week he goes for sentencing for assualt my son told me.

My younger son's dad said he didn't drink. Into that relationship I found a graveyard of empty vodka bottles. Now he is in the graveyard. Lived with mum also into his 40s, no accountability for my son. The Grandmas get stuck holding the bag doing dad's part.
 2fuzy
Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 18
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 10:30:50 AM
the comfort zone is the familiar no matter how bad that is

I also think it goes to the most overused word on here chemistry or as I see it all women have a certain trigger that fires up that chemistry be it a walk or an eye color an attitude etc..and so they also maybe have to go against there hardwired biology as well to get out of the jerk syndrom
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 20
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 12:37:05 PM
i'd think that if someone was constantly attracted only to people who are 'bad' for them, then it is a matter of a lack of something in their lives....maybe a lack of self-love, or a feeling of not deserving happiness/respect?

if that's the case, then perhaps they can't consciously just 'decide' to choose better next time, without healing that area of lack within themselves, first

i do think that it is partially a matter of a 'comfort zone' too... people stick with what they know, many times... to venture, let alone to jump, into the unknown, can be a scary thing

i know when i was leaving my ex i felt like i was just about to jump off a cliff into a black void of nothingness; sounds overly dramatic writing it down, but it's true that's how i felt- i had no clue where i was going to live with the children or what i was going to do to provide for us... part of me just wished to return home and crawl back into bed...even though i knew realistically that wasn't an option...

the, "out of the frying pan into the fire" scenario is true enough times that taking the risk to change a bad situation can be daunting...however, to continually choose to leap into that frying pan in the first place shows a root cause that should be considered before beginning a new relationship again, imo
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/7/2009 1:31:51 PM

They also stop asking why they are attracting the people and realize that there is nothing wrong with them, it is the other person who is not what he/she claimed to be.


Oh wise and beautiful Packagedeal!!!

Im done beating myself up.

No - its not us, its not a comfort to keep meeting these guys who are
not what they say they are but only to find this out AFTER you have
invested time and heart into it.

I dont think any man or woman goes out looking with the intent of
getting an assclown or crazy in the deal.

People present themselves sometimes to what they THINK you want-
mirroring you, your likes and dislikes to the point where you think
you have found your match. Until you are knee deep into like do you
find out they are not what they are.

It is not a "comfort" to be treated like shit. It is not a "comfort" to
realize this is what this person is.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 23
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/9/2009 7:09:16 PM
I have my own theory about this so-called attraction people say women have for bad azzes for whatever it's worth...

Literally every "bad azz" I've ever known has a troubling and sad story to tell about how he became a "bad azz". Invariably, many of them had chaotic, hurtful childhoods. By virtue of being the type of child who would not ignore the "elephant in the living room" (such as Dad's alcoholism) and refusing to let their family ignore it, many of those "bad azzes" started out as black sheep in their families. Their unwillingness to accept rules and authority or to "go with the flow" was an attempt to get the family to deal with the truth of what was going on in the family. In short, the black sheep who became bad azzes were literally the truth-pushers in their families of origin. As long as they acted up, the families could not forget that there was a problem. Instead of dealing with the family elephant, many families to scapegoat the black sheep as the "identifiable problem" rather than let the family secret be exposed and force anyone to have to do anything about it. That's how many bad azzes came to be bad azzes...

Women (even in these generations) are raised to have a great deal of compassion and empathy in order that they might one day become good wives and mothers. From their first dolly on up, the message is that a little girl is supposed to become a soft-hearted, compassionate person.

So you have a soft-hearted, compassionate woman who has perhaps known what it is to try to love a bad azz father or admired her mother's dedication to her bad azz father. This woman hears a heartbreaking story being told by the new bad azz who seems so tough to everyone but trusts her enough to let her beyond his wall. She also hears that he has always longed for a normal family and to be able to trust someone to love him. She resolves to become that person and to give him "normal". In her compassion, she forgives him a 1000 times.

Many bad azzes truly do want to change their lives but they certainly don't show that to the world. Unfortunately, it's also true that many of them find that they can count on most women being compassionate so they see no reason to have to shape up or fly straight. They learn to manipulate that soft heart and become quite merciless in doing so...

It isn't the case that women are attracted to bad azzes. It is often the case that bad azzes are attracted to soft-hearted women. The one who is truly willing to climb out of their comfort zone to stand inside the fire, is the soft-hearted woman. It's the bad azzes who often refuse to budge from their "comfort zones".

That's what I think...
 annnabella33
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 24
Comfort Zone
Posted: 9/9/2009 7:26:56 PM
I think you get back what you put out there... it becomes a self esteem issue if you feel inside that is the best you can get of course your going to go after the same type of person.. its like the people that go to different restaurants only to order the same thing each and every time...
Lets also not forget the superficial people out there, when you go for only looks those fade what you end up left with is what is inside that person and sometimes thats not always pretty

just my two cents ;)
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