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 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 49
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?Page 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Yeah, honesty hurts more than just disappearing, but it's always best...at least clears the air so you know why they're leaving.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 51
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:09:20 AM
Unfortunatly, dissapearing has become the norm. I'm not saying its right, but it happens all the time. I guess I'd rather that then see an email saying "you suck and I don't want to go out with you anymore" -lololol
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 53
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/21/2009 10:42:40 AM
I prefer honesty because then I can move on and don't have to wonder anymore about it.
I am not much of a back burner gal so ........ if someone does not contact me within a certain amount of time say a week I figure they are not interested or they are too busy.

I had one person that I went on a first date with ask me if I was really interested or if it was just so so this was the greatest way I have experienced to broach the subject.
I really liked the guys personality but was not attracted to him and didn't think that would change for me so I was completely comfortable in telling him the exact truth and I think we both have gained respect for each other .
 SeekingTheOneOut
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 54
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Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/23/2009 4:36:29 PM
Honesty is always for the best in the long run. With honesty, you know exactly where things stand. There is no need to wonder and think about what happened or if you did something wrong. Unfortunately, people can get so concerned with someone possibly not liking them or even hating them, even if that hate will dissipate quickly, that they'll take the easy way out and just stop communicating and avoid them altogether. It's easier to convince (i.e. lie to) yourself that you're doing the right thing if you don't have someone else letting you know how wrong you are.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 57
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:49:42 AM
I'm in the honesty camp...sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's a relief. I mean...I can sense if something isn't right and would rather hear what's in the other person's head than make assumptions. Plus it gives me something to work on - behavior and/or choices.

bonus to honesty - at least I know they didn't get hit by a bus...
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 58
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:23:00 AM
There's a way you can be honest with someone without being a jerk about it. I think that when someone dissapears on you it shows that you didn't matter all that much...no one wants to feel like that.
But, like I mentioned in an earlier post, it seems to be 'standard operating procedure' these days.


would rather hear what's in the other person's head than make assumptions..


I know its hard, but I guess that when someone pulls a vanishing act you can assume that they just don't like you. Either way your feelings are going to get hurt.
 MsStackhouse
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 64
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:59:04 PM
It cracks me up, in a way, that a person would rather screen their calls, texts, etc. for a week instead of just fessing up...wouldn't be easier to just make a quick call (or even an email)?
 Ric9009
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 66
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:38:21 PM
Hi,

Me, I'd prefer someone was brutally honest with me but that's just me.

I wouldn't tell someone that I found them unattractive or had the morals of an alley cat for instance. My normal line is that I don't think that I'm suitable for the woman and hopefully we can leave it at that. Not that I've had to deal with this much at all but I did in the past.

I do believe disappearing is very rude. If they've gone to the time and trouble of even meeting with you once, that is about the worst thing you could do. Leaving a message on an answering machine, sending a text message to their cell, any online message ranks right up there with disappearing without a word. It is just very discourteous.

I guess the trick is to be as honest as you can without being especially hurtful. If you can't cope with a woman with very small children, it might be best to say so but put it on you being not able to cope, not that it is her problem or fault.


Richard
 roseyn
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 70
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:31:36 PM
Both. Sometimes people resist when you're honest and you have to really cut yourself off from them. It doesn't mean just stop being honest but just back it up by disappearing instead of staying around to give the person false hope
 singlegirlie
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 74
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:12:05 AM
I think being honest is the way to go but dont be brutally honest be tactful with the other persons feelings but still get your point out there.
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 75
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 1:34:22 PM
I prefer honesty. Disappearing act makes me feel neglected….. something like I was thrown away as an old shoe. I need a closure no matter how hurt or rejected I’d feel.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 76
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 7/28/2009 1:51:09 PM
If you want any chance of getting back with the person...honesty is the way to go...to disappear gives you no chance in hell of getting that person back...that's happened to me a few times...why disappear then come back...do you really expect her to accept you with open arms...nope...to disappear breaks complete trust...you might just do it again...why risk you're feelings to go through that again and not get proper closure...as opposed to trusting that the person will process the situation with you openly and honestly.
 Mr.InviteAZ
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 84
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/4/2009 1:32:22 PM
This issue of honesty makes me real mad because I have noticed how just about every woman sets the mail settings where they weed out guys who are looking for “intimate encounters” and “other relationship”. They say they they want a guy who is honest, caring and loving etc. Yet if you portray yourself as being just that, they have no interest. What it boils down to, is honesty means not saying you are a doctor or some profession she is looking for so she can weed you out easier. I hate it when women say they want you to list a lot of interests and be honest about who you are, then you are but they don't respond or put very little on their profile. Why bother spending the time to write a lot on my profile if nobody reads it?
 italgirl69
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 85
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:15:22 PM
It really comes down to issues of maturity, accountability and responsibility. The disappearing act is definitely a cowardly way of dealing with the situation, however, it seems that it is quite common. The not-knowing is far more difficult to deal with than the knowing....And the lack of closure and incessant questions/excuses which arise in the mind of the "dumpee" are not pleasant feelings to have to deal with at all.....
 army3
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 86
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:43:31 PM
I can get over with honesty......... I would hunt down a woman that disappeared on me. Only for closure though. Honesty= closure.
 JB0130
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 87
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/6/2009 7:56:59 AM
ALWAYS better to know than to "wonder"!
 zapped
Joined: 12/19/2008
Msg: 88
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/6/2009 4:15:34 PM
Honesty will set us free,disappearing leaves a person worthless and disrespected.
 maxxnyc
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 90
view profile
History
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:15:53 PM
HONESTLY,
def
its at least some kind of feedback.

Disappearing is cowardly. But its easier so people still doing it.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 94
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/10/2009 11:02:45 PM
op,
either way, it's hurtful, but it's a lot easier and faster to get over if someone is honest. you don't spend weeks or months naively wondering & hoping. your mind will always wonder to a certain degree, but it wonders a lot less and for a lot shorter time if the other person pulls out definitively & with surgical precision. unfortunately, too many people either disappear or try to soften the blow. all that ultimately does is lead to prolonged confusion and pain. sigh...will people ever learn?
 roseyn
Joined: 5/25/2009
Msg: 97
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/11/2009 1:56:45 PM
Sometimes when you both know things aren't going to work, its easier to disappear from each others lives. No point in trying to stretch out a loss or unnecessarily spend time on something thats over
 curious2bhere
Joined: 3/28/2008
Msg: 102
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:18:10 AM
Honesty is better in the long run because the other knows that it is over, then being left wondering.
G
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 104
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:08:18 PM
Very interesting. I think just about everyone's going to say "I prefer honesty" -- when it's not really about honesty or dishonesty much of the time -- it's about not being open to what other options they have, etc.

Honestly, people "disappear" because they're put in a position where they want to have the least amount of drama -- least amount of drama naturally feels like the less hurt to the other person, which is why they do it. They don't WANT to hurt the other person. I think when people feel it's best NOT to just disappear, when it comes to the other person's feelings, they don't much of the time. Usually, though, another soft-but-false "reason" is brought up. It all depends on the situation between the two.

Now, that's all in reference to the early getting-to-know-ya phase. If you're genuinely dating someone (exclusive), you don't disappear. That would hurt them more.
 cheerilystrawberry
Joined: 4/15/2009
Msg: 105
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 8/16/2009 1:17:48 PM
Honestly is definitely better than disappearing. Disappearing or acting cold just keeps the other person in limbo for longer.

Look at it this way: if you had to have a limb amputated would you prefer a quick chop or it to be sloooooowly sawed through with a rusty blade?
 Auburnred67
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 108
Honesty about Intimate Encounter
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:36:15 PM
Kudos to you for being upfront about wanting an intimate encounter.
I for one, really appreciate it. I think being candid about it is very commendable!

I realize that there are people who like to have sex as soon as possible... and find intimate encounters exciting... thrilling even!

I must confess that I am a woman who weeds out men looking for an "intimate encounter." Without a mental connection, trust and great chemistry....there is something seriously missing for me. Not to mention concerns about health and safety.

Can't be too careful today...
Several weeks ago I heard a story about a woman who hooked-up with a man from Traverse City in G.R. He tied her up and violated her all weekend then brought her back to G.R. and dropped her off : (

I really have a thing for intelligent, educated men and love getting to know them...finding out who they are.....as a person. It is worth it!!
It takes time to find out if someone is "caring, loving and trustworthy" ....three more things that make sex EVEN better..
IMO most honest, caring, loving men will be willing to take the time if they are looking for something more than SEX.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 111
Does honesty hurt more than just dissapearing?
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:42:33 PM
soooo much better to know the *why* of something if possible, imo

the wondering and 'what-if'ing', can be crazy-making... plus, i just like to Know... i'm just that way :)

however, if the person just disappears, it's gotta just be let go of asap... holding on to trying to figure out the 'unfigurable' () is not the healthiest thing for a fresh start
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