Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Relationship between boyfriend and my son      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 26
Relationship between boyfriend and my sonPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:18:27 PM
The person with severe OCD is the type portrayed in the movie Sleeping With the Enemy, that cannot stand for anything to be out of place. Believes there is exactly one correct way to chop an onion, that there is only one way to raise a child, paint a door, really bad cases are those that need to wash their hands 13 times every time they wash their hands, or check the door locks three times before they retire, check the stove repeatedly, etc. There are degrees, I would say this man is on the low end with OCDish tendencies.

Hon, your son sounds like a great kid. I might agree that he should be mowing the yard but if it isn't breaking your bank and he is cleaning up after himself, doing well in school, is respectful, you enjoy a wam relationship, his problem is with you, not your son. And the problem is that you have raised your son differently than he chose to raise his children which is actually none of his business.

Why would anybody give a shit that the kids crashed on the floor? My kids frequently wind up with kids spending the night and crashing in the living room, it only irritates me if getting to my front door is too much of a challenge or if the little shiesters are sleeping through the dogs barking to go out, lol.

Most kids need to be reminded to do things, and it sounds like your son fairly cheerfully does things when you remind him. Most kids need to be told something, I would probably have a heart attack and die if my kids ever saw something that needed to be done and just did it, I think most kids don't really acquire 20/20 vision until they move out.

If I were in your shoes, my concern would be the egg shells. I walked around on them for 14 years and while your situation is different than living with someone that is bipolar, do you want to spend the next how many years having to watch what you say and do when you should be heading toward your relaxing care-free years? Another thing to consider is whether he is going to sit and make comments about your grandchildren all the time.

I think if it were me, I would tell him that while you appreciate it that he believes he is motivated by concern for you, your son is a fine young man and you aren't concerned about your competency as a parent and he should in the future, only offer advice when it is asked for. When your son leaves for school and you can anticipate that things will smooth out, pay attention to whether they do, or if there is something else that is not being done to his satisfaction. Perhaps he will start getting after you about waxing your car.

Sweetie, I don't think your boyfriend likes your son and I think your son knows it. It may well be that in helping with the car, your son figured out that nothing would ever be good enough for this man and he knows that you will at some point suffer for the way this man approaches life. Maybe you need to ask your son why he doesn't seem to like this man and listen carefully to what he says. Sometimes our children see things we don't. Do you think you are generally a happier person with this man than before you started seeing him? If you have to watch what you say or do, and this discord comes up often enough, how much of your time is happy?

This man wants you to change why? We aren't supposed to want to change people but if we get involved with a parent that is struggling, it is normal to want to try to help them build tools to deal with the situation. It would I think be difficult to bite your tongue in that scenario. You have nothing to fix so the man is apparently not happy with you, yes? That kind of bites.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 28
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:19:14 PM
futureshock, no I don't think he is right. I think he has every right to give me his opinion and advice and leave the decisions to me. However I don't think he should put my son down for not doing this or that - especially when he tried "to tell me so" if you know what I mean.
I think my son has some kind of intuition or something that is keeping him from being very close to my b/f. He is polite to him, says hello but not much else. My boyfriend has helped him with his car and things like that but there is just not a connection between them. Unfortunately I can't make that happen.
He is a wonderful man. If we could figure this out and a few other things then we would have a chance at a successful relationship.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 29
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:30:01 PM
packagedeal - you make me smile. I couldn't agree more on the kids on the floor. Before they left for the beach they cleaned up the room, put the pillows away and you would never know they were there.
He had a few kids over the other day and when they left I heard hin running the vaccum - and I didn't even ask him to. Go figure!!
Well you hit another sore spot - my little 2 year old grandson. This little guy is the love of my life and I babysit him one day a week for my daughter. My b/f can't understand this and does get upset when my daughter asks me to look after him. My b/f says she takes advantage of me but truthfully she doesn't. Yes we have had many arguments over my grandson. I couldn't believe you even said that.
I do think that my b/f likes or tries to like my son. I can't put a finger on it as to why they don't click. But when he gets home from the beach I am going to ask him.
You make some very good points. Thanks.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 30
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:43:49 PM
Does anyone have any links that I can go to relevant to this subject?

My b/f wants me to send him articles that will help him understand my perspective (and many of yours) on this subject?

Please help if you can..... at least he is open to what others say - at least from a professional perspective. I am not sure that I want to share these discussion threads with him - although I don't have anything to hide and I have not said anything that I haven't already said to him - more than once.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 31
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:53:04 PM
futureshock - I absolutely live for my grandson's visits. He loves to visit his Nana too. And my b/f really enjoys him. Actually he has a better relationship with my grandson than he does with his 3 little ones. They are not close at all and his grandchildren have never spent one night at his house (the oldest is 7). Mine has stayed with me numerous times from the time he was a baby.
Anyway that is a different subject (sort of).
You are right about my b/f, yes he is conservative in some ways (not all) and yes he is against unversal healthcare but then so am I (being from Canada I know it doesn't work). Anyway it is suffice to say that we are just very different in most ways but we also have many things that we enjoy and are on the same page. Family just isn't one of them. And it just happens to be about the most important on the list.
I appreciate your comments - you are observant I'd say.
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 32
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:53:40 PM
Future shock,
you might be a little surprised, from some things read before, most control freaks, child abusers, spouse abusers, sex offenders OCD etc. vote Democrat.
I was a little surprised.

Pianogirl,
I'll do some searching, letting him read this discussion may be a little explosive.
It is the hard thing about text and we can only go by what we read and missing information does often lead to misunderstandings.
But I will say this is one of the better discussions I have read in a long time, a lot of good views.
DR
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 12:53:50 PM
Just do some googling on OCD and control freaks. Your boyfriend sounds a lot like my mother. She thinks that her way to do everything is the only way that things should be done. For example, when I was a senior in high school, I was working 10 hours a week at an office job, was in 8 hours of orchestra outside of school, and got straight As and my mother was constantly on my butt about my room. None of the good was recognized, but the negative, that was the focus.

I drove her crazy because I approached everything differently from the way she would do it. To this day, every time I am in her house she tells me not to rinse grease down the sink and truly, while she lives in the house I grew up in, I am not comfortable there. If one thing is out of place she blows a gasket. Kids cannot drink more than one soda a day, like that one week a year is going to change any of their habits. When the kids were little, she drove me nuts going behind them ALL day long picking up any toys they were playing with rather than doing it at the end of the day or periodically like a normal person. Meals should be eaten at 8, noon and 5, any deviation from this schedule will apparently result in death.

The list of rules and the way things should be done is endless and the most disturbing part about it, these rules are always more important than people.

If he is actually open to this, you may wind up doing him a great service. The disconnect with the grandkids is likely tied to a disconnect with his kids. They didn't like growing up in rule central and why should they subject their children to the same kind of judgment, etc. that they were reared with. My children cannot stand being around my mother because they know she doesn't like them, it hurts.
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 34
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:02:26 PM
Packagedeal,
my father is also OCD, not quite as bad as you describe, but as you described, my ways are different, sometime I tell him he's old school and I am new school.
But he can blow a gasket, yet later after he sees what has been done, he apologizes.
I just tell him, wait the next time, see what the outcome is.
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
Myself, I have learned over the years to trust no matter how they do it, the outcome is the same.
Sometimes even better :-)
DR
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 35
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 1:32:06 PM
futureshock, basically I am looking for the following:

2 people in a relationship living in 2 separate homes.
the mom has a son and the b/f's kids are grown.
the b/f wants to have a say in how the son does things around his (the mom's) house, what chores he should be responsible for, rules that the son should follow.

I want to know if I am wrong in saying that I am the mom and I make the rules and the chores for my son. I want my son to feel comfortable in his own home. I want him to invite his friends over and not worry that he is going to get in trouble because of the b/f.

Example: We came home the other night and my son and one of his friends were watching a movie on the flat screen in surround sound, etc. My b/f thinks that they should have gone to the family room to finish watching the movie and let us have the living room. They continued to watch the movie and we went up to bed and started to watch a movie for which he promply fell asleep. First of all I didn't care if the kids stayed in the living room and what difference did it make as he would have fallen asleep anyway and what was the point of making the kids move to another room.

I want to know if I am wrong to feel like I do. Or should I be giving my b/f more say in what happens here in my home.

That is the nuts and bolts of this issue. I would like to know how other couples in this situation handle kids.

Does that make sense or give you enough information?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:01:07 PM
I do not agree with the above post but you also have to recognize that each situation is different. This child is grown and from the things that have been described, there is nothing to discipline, which is the real problem.

Now in a different situation with kids that are still being raised, I stepped into a parental role with my stepson long before I became his father's wife but it began with me doing things for him that a parent would do and when the time came that discipline was necessary, it wasn't a problem. At the same standpoint, he had been raised to respect adults so if I asked him or even told him to do something, because it was never anything out of line, there are no issues.

I would never expect anyone, partner or friend, to be around my kids and not feel that they had the ability to say anything to them if they stepped out of line. Would you send the boyfriend to the store, kids tag along, and expect him to say nothing if they misbehave in the store? That is ridiculous. My kids know that they are to obey whatever adult has charge of them unless they are asked to do something they know they are not supposed to, etc. because as adults they automatically have authority that my children do not.

The problem I see in this scenario is that the young man in question is doing quite well in walking the lines that his mother has set and I don't personally see that she has failed to set boundaries or that she expects nothing from this young adult, so again, the purpose of any discord in this area is what exactly?
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 37
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:10:13 PM
futureshock - thank you. I read these articles and they are just what I was looking for.
I appreciate your time researching this....
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 38
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 2:18:44 PM
packagedeal - yes you are right in what you say. I totally agree and brought my son up the same way - to respect authority - whomever that might be.

In this situation I need some concrete information on my b/f's role with my son given that we do not live together nor (obviously) are we married. Because he doesn't have it (the way he wants it) it causes him to resent me and be critical of me and how I handle things. Consequently we argue and it is unpleasant.

I have tried to tell my b/f that if we were living in the same house and he felt that my son was being out of line (in any way) that he would have every right to say something. It being "our" house is different than how it is now. If he came into my house and told my son to do something I think it would cause resentment with my son to be honest. You are also right that my son is doing quite well, he knows the difference between right and wrong. His choice of friends shows me the type of guy he is. He is smart and he is going to succeed in his life.

My b/f could make much more headway with my son if he would be less concerned about him emptying the dishwasher (one of his regular chores) without being reminded.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:07:27 PM
I think you should really see how your relationship will affect the relationship of you and your son. As you say, your son and your bf don't have a relationship, it's been 2 and somehwat years, and they still aren't bonding, that's a big red flag right there. you've said previous bf's your son gets along with, why is that? your bf is way too criticizing, and manipulative.

Another red flag is his control issues. he has no biz telling you how to raise your son or giving you criticism if you don't parent the way 'he' wants to. Do you think it's going to get easier when he moves in? I highly doubt it, it will get worse. If anything it will hamper your relationship with your son. As you say, your son will go to his dad's, well guess what? Once your bf moves in, your son will mostly stay with his dad. And not only will your son resent your bf, he will resent you for allowing your bf to take over the house and not making him feel welcome in his own house.

problem is I think you are a passive person, and you're trying to find a way to placate your bf and getting him to see things your way. Open your eyes, he won't see it your way, he hasn't for 2 years, what makes you think things will change now? He has no respect for you, because he wouldn't criticize you on parenting nor should he critcize how your son is. you should be great that you have a son that takes some steps in taking responsibility and talks to you openly, not most teenagers will do that. not to mention, he's respecting you by not telling you taht the bf is a controlling jerk. kids have good intuitions, granted they shouldn't be the reason why things don't work out but they are a factor to what makes you happy, and they do have some say to your relationship. Y ou think you just have to deal with them til they leave to do their thing,, and you doyour own thing? your son will always be your son, but if you have that attitude, and it's ok for your bf to move in and to dismiss your son, well that may just bring your son to realize that he's nto important and perhaps he won't share his life with you any longer, that's another bond you go through with parenting, to see them experience life and experiencing parenting.

If he's a wonderful person as you say he is to family and friends, then he should be wonderful to you and your family, i see nothing wrong with where your son sleeps in the house, hey it's being used, and why should he and his friends go elsewhere when you just got home, makes it feel like your son is intruding in your house. And watching your grandchild once a week, and he has an issue with it/ really makes you wonder how he is with his kids.

This is coming from someone who has had to deal with a bf of my moms when I was a teen, as soon as my mom would work her bf would take over the house, and pretty much made me a slave to my house to the point of hating to go home after school and not feeling i can get out due to doing chores. Walking on eggshells because I wouldn't know what my mom's bf would argue with me about and getting in trouble over minor things. I feel this is where you'll be heading when he moves in. i was so glad and relieved that my mom's bf left after 4 years, i actually prayed for him to leave, and life got better, but it still brought enough damage to my self esteem. i did resent my mom for letting him control how things were done at the house and how she let him do things his way instead of hers.

my concern for you is that your son is close to the age to leave home, and once you go forward with the move with your bf and allow him to take charge, you'll see less of your son due to that, even lesser since he's going to college. You shouldn't have to live in eggshells ar ound him, that in a way is another red flag. he doesn't even live there yet he's already telling how things should be done in your house. Does your son respect him/ no. Does your bf respect your son/ no. Does your bf respect you/ no. do you respect him?
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 40
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 3:48:01 PM
thanks wanderbaby, you hit some good points especially coming in at this point. Everyone was very helpful actually.
I actually feel much better about my situation - more confident.
BTW I would not say that I am a passive person. I am a peace making person. I choose my battles ... and this is one of them.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 4:28:25 PM
I will reiterate because I don't agree with Dr. Phil with younger children, a step-parent has to have some authority to discipline a child rather than saying wait until your father/mother gets home in a way that is deemed appropriate by the parent, something that should be discussed long before cohabitation or marriage. I would never be in a relationship in which someone expected me to sit mum while their child(ren) did God know's what in my own home.

Wander's situation is over the other direction, where the boyfriend was given authority almost beyond what the bio-parent had, which is wrong too, it is balance so that everyone can live well together. Depending on what a child does, yes, go to your room and we will let you know later what the punishment is, just as you would do with an intact nuclear family when the infraction is beyond something ordinary.

During the trip to Chattanooga that I speak about in the paragraphs below, when we said goodbye, my stepson apologized to me for everything he put me through when he lived with us full-time. He said nothing but good-bye to his father. When his wife met him, she thought I was his biological mother and if he had any resentment toward me at any time, it was the normal feelings one has for a parent because he knew if I didn't give a damn, I would have let him do whatever he wanted. I respected him, he respected me, when there was a problem, I was the adult and the parent, period.

OP, in some ways I don't think this is really about your son. It is about your autonomy. One of the things that pisses me off the most about my mother is that she does not respect me at all and this may seem an odd example, but this is how we are different. If we are spending the week at her home, we are expected to clean her house the way she wants us to do it. She expects everything to be picked up, dusted, and put back where it was, duh.

Around 14 years ago, my parents stayed here while we visited my stepson in Chattanooga. Now, there is no limit to the things my mother disapproves of including the fact that I have too many things sitting on bookshelves. So I come home, mother has "helped" me while I was gone. Her version of helping me was taking everything off the shelves including my kitchen cabinets simultaneously so that she had no idea where anything was supposed to go.

In addition to looking at shelves it would take me quite some time to fix, I couldn't find anythign in my own kitchen and it irritated the crap out of me. I was the bigger person and held my tongue but what bothered me about it was that whether she realized it or not, she did it to piss me off. If a friend of hers had been ill, she would never have done what she chose to do at my house because THAT would have been rude, she would have cleaned and everything left in its place. I don't know if that makes any sense to you but to me, it differs little from what he does with you.

Your son is grown, I repeat, he is grown. Again, there is nothing to fix. He doesn't spend time around your son so this is different from when I discovered that my then 13-year-old stepson didn't know how to use silverware properly or any other table manners. When you do these sort of things with steps, they are natural things, the same way you teach your own child. There is no real teaching left with your son. Yes, he will still need your guidance from time to time but other than that, your boyfriend's role is to deal with this young man as an adult, not a child that needs any fathering from him.

If your boy was 13, or 14 it might be different, there would actually need to be some sort of parental role but that time has passed for you and the guy sounds like a huge pain in the ass who cannot seem to function and has no tolerance for people who are different from himself. His behavior speaks more volumes about how he perceives you as a parent than any derogatory remarks he makes about your son. With so many people dealing with kids that are behavior problems, etc. due to divorce, it is absolutely ludicrous to me that this subject has come up once between you two let alone repeatedly.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:04:52 PM
If Dr. Phil expects a step-parent in that situation to have no authority over a child until he/she has been incorporated into the household for two years he is out of his frigging mind. In this situation the step is supposed to twiddle his/her thumbs until the younger child turns 16 and then suddenly have earned authority over him? That is uber stupid. Authority and discipline should progressively and naturally occur as people become more intertwined in the other's life.

I don't get why we act so differently when it is a boyfriend/girlfriend. Let's say Jane's sister Judy moves in for a while, or her brother Ted. Are they supposed to say nothing to the children when Jane is gone or do we expect them to do what they would do with their own children? My friends and I don't sit around when each other's kids are doing the kid thing and not doing what they are asked to do, we speak up, your mother told you to do something, do it.

Maybe I am weird, I guess I embrace the whole village thing and to me, those that advocate the step-parent having no authority are putting them below the way an average adult would be expected to behave. A teenage babysitter, for God's sake, has more authority over children in their care than many people seem to want to allow a step-parent. What doctor Phil should have advocated was a totoally different orientatin for a 14 versus a 20-year-old child on the part of the bio and step-parent.

I think it is a shame that the evil step-parents get top billing and the innumerable ones who have normal relationships with their step-children do not seem to be noticed. I never treated my stepson differently than I do my own children outside of the age appropriate thing because when he was 16, my daughter was 3, from that standpoint there were different expectations. I never tried to replace his mother, I was his friend but I was also his parent first, just as his stepfather is. He has four parents and for him, that is normal. Have things always been rosey, no, he was a fairly normal teenager and drove us nuts like my kids are currently doing now.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:36:26 PM
It's not really about not allowing the stepparent/ significant other having authority, it's a matter of being in the same page. if they aren't on the same page, then there is an issue, especially when there's a chance bf may move in. Also, op has told bf several times that her way of parenting stays, yet bf continues to disrespect her parenting skills by criticizing and judging it with his. Op should follow her intuitions because once he moves in, it may get worse.

and the example of the siblings versus bf/gf thing, doesn't follow because siblings would know your parenting skills and follow it. whereas gf/bf may feel more entitlement to use their authority over the child and be in control over them. I'm going by this case that the op is describing in which he wants things done his way or otherwise it's done the wrong way. Going thru this for 2 years, he's not going to change his ways.

And this issue won't go away after son leaves the nest, it will continue because she also has a grandson that she likes to watch once a week which he's resenting her to do so. Sounds to me that he just doesn't want to be around kids/teens.

OP shouldn't have to prove to him that what she's doing is right and have to give him papers to show it.

package, you wouldn't have a problem if you raised your child for 16-17 years, and then you date someone who wants things done the opposite way and wants things done his way? or a problem that he keeps criticizing you that your parenting skills are wrong and should be done his way?
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 44
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 5:48:44 PM
wanderbaby you are right about the being on the same page. It is important in all cases no matter what the issue is. I do hear b/f when he says his mind and there have been a few times that I did take his suggestions. Of course I did not tell my son that it was anyone's idea but mine. Also I encouraged my son to ask b/f to help him do something with his car so that b/f could teach him what to do but more importantly have them spend some time together.
The problem is that I don't do it enough and/or fast enough. My son leaves his shoes outside the door (there may be a few pairs till the day is done) and it drives b/f nuts. However I am thankful that my son respects my request to take his shoes off before coming in the house.
I am not sure how to really get on the same page - just when I think we are getting somewhere something else comes up. Sigh!!!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:05:05 PM
I think your point Wander about the same page is what I was getting at and I have tried to differentiate between my general comments as well as the OP's specific situation as I have posted to this thread; perhaps I have done so badly. I think I have reiterated in every post that I think this man is way out of line saying a damned thing to this woman. Would be in iffy territory at the young man's age even if he were a problem, but again, he isn't, he's a good kid.

If I got involved with someone and he was concerned because my kids were running me around in circles, I would hope that I am the kind of person who could take that information and do something to make positive changes in my life. Again, that is not the case here and I very much agree with you, if there were no problems with my kids and the information is given just to belittle me, yup, it wouldn't be welcome.

I would tell someone once or twice to stfu (in a nice way of course) and then they would be gone. I spent my formative years with someone telling me I did everything wrong and then managed to be dumb enough to marry someone that did the same for 14 years, that is why I have repeatedly said I don't think this is even about her son, it is about the lack of respect that her partner has for her as another adult let alone someone he is supposed to value and cherish.

This man I will bet tries to micromanage everything. If they go away for the weeked, he will be packing up the car or criticizing the way she does it. The kid, the grandkid, none of his business. If he has a problem with her spending time with her grandchild one day a week, he can take his happy ass somewhere else. My point through the last several posts is that this man is always going to be telling you how to do something or that you are doing it wrong. He likes the grandkid, ergo why does he say anything?

It is unfortunate I think that this thread went on the tangent of step-parents and their place in general because I truly think this has little to do with that at all, it is about proper boundaries in everything, and this is an area where he has totally overstepped any acceptable bounds. A logical person who has been told that nothing is going to change will either live with it or they will harp on you for the duration of the relationship.


I am not sure how to really get on the same page - just when I think we are getting somewhere something else comes up. Sigh!!!

And there's the rub. He sets the bar, you jump, he resets the bar. Kind of an exhausting way to live, isn't it? If I were you I would seriously sit back and consider how much of my time is spent happy and how much is spent justifying and defending my choices.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:08:28 PM
piano, anyway you can live with him for 2 weeks while son is with his dad to see if you can be around someone who is anal about things? because it would drive me batty if my signficant other wants things done a certain way, and criticize each time it's not done his way. Watch the movie, As Good as it gets, there are some ocd with the character that jack nicholson plays.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:24:55 PM
Very good idea Wander, have you also taken a vacation with this man? Not just a weekend but an actual week or two? Those experiences can be telling.

It would be relatively easy to convince yourself that this will go away once your son actually starts school but I cannot imagine that this thing with him would not be a source of friction and discomfort for you at graduations, weddings, additional births, birthday parties, sigh.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 48
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 6:35:29 PM
package and wander - yes we have taken vacations and I have stayed at his house for a few days at a time. For the most part we travel pretty well together and have a good time. Normally when we are away there are no family (mine) issues.

package - yes I know what you mean about family events. We have had some disasters and some successes (most recently my son's graduation) but if I am really honest they are mostly disasters.
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/16/2009 8:56:02 PM
it's really do bad that he's giving you a hard time with your family. Because the more you talk about it, the more it seems your bf doesn't like your family. it's a shame because those events should be happy for you and should be of comfort to see your family happy, but it seems it's awkward and tense. you shouldn't have to go through life feeling this way and any further family events shouldn't be this way. If your family is important to you, your bf should be supportive and cheer you on, rather than talk down about your family. It's very disrespectful, and i really hope you take a look at what he's bringing to you and to your family. perhaps even talk with your family and ask how they feel. Sometimes it's hard to perceive what a person is like around you due to your feelings for him. outsiders can give you a good idea of how your relationship is.
 pianogirl2
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 50
Relationship between boyfriend and my son
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:17:07 AM
future - I certainly learned a lot from all these comments. It was interesting and enlightening in many ways. Some just confirmed what I already thought and felt.
thanks (to all of you) for sharing your ideas, convictions, etc. with me. I have plenty to think about and change - pronto.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Relationship between boyfriend and my son