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 bfbg
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 1
first custody hearingf , What a jokePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
had my first custody hearing today ,what a joke ' afetr 7 months of caring for my 6 year old they decided that I should only get him on the days she works 7 -7 and has school later than 8 pm. what kind of crap is that . her new boyfriend gets to watch my child while she's at school untill 7:59 when I want him and he could just be with me . all because she is the mom . I have to pay for weekly daycare even though I'm only going to use it afew days a week! because she's the mom .. nshe left that child for 7 months with very limited visitation only at her conviniece . I file papers to try to get custody and the judge says your just a babysitter , you get him when she doesn't have time !what the heck is this. Now I have to hire another attorny because the one I have is an idiot . the judge didn't listen to anything. she doesn't even have a bed for him. the courts in nc stink.any ideas for a new game plan , I'm just in shock !! I know they atre only temporary but come on, why am I expected to work around her schedule and availabilty...
 SpecialHeartedLady
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:39:42 PM
Why wasn't she around for the first 6 months?
 DragonRider29
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 3
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/16/2009 9:45:09 PM
You need the best lawyer you can afford and even if you can't afford it.
You have to consider it a investment in your child's future.
Do a little searching, find some men who have been through similar things, good outcomes, for recommendations of a lawyer.
A lawyer with a fairly good success rate.
And I wish you the best!
DR
 wanderbaby
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 4
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first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:13:34 PM
get a new lawyer, document everything, til then work with what you got, and just grim and bear it, focus on getting time with your son without showing bitter towards ex and her bf. did you mostly have him til you pursue this in court? how often does she work that you can have him, i dont' see why you can't even have him if she's in school? perhaps after awhile bf will get tired of watching the son and will let you have him/

can you appeal to a different judge?
 sol365
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 5
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/16/2009 10:36:38 PM
a lawyer won't get you any where. i would like to hear from any one who has judge claudia sibar, what a...!!!
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 6
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first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:02:36 AM
Real change is needed and it will take action at the federal level not at the state level. A fathers equal rights amendment would be a good place to start. The laws and enforcement of the laws are so tilted towards mothers over fathers it is just sad. Even in a state that has laws on the books that "the sex of the parent can not be used as a determining factor in awarding custody" and that the "tender years doctrine" I.E. the old well the mother has the breast milk argument is no longer allowed, judges still often times do not follow the laws. Add to this it is more than an inter state issue it is a intra state issue, because a pregnant mother can pick up during the last weeks and have the kid in a different state if she does not like the laws in the state she is living. Then even if she moves back custody may have been awarded in a different state. If a father tries for full custody at that point forget about it. There is not one thing fair or equal about the system as it exists today. What is so sad about that is children in single father homes tend to do better, then children in single mother homes. I don't think fathers should get the children by default or there should be quotas set or affirmative action for fathers, but there should be a system or laws put in place at the federal level which protects fathers and does not give an unfair advantage to mothers. This can only be fixed at the federal level via laws changes or like the equal rights amendment with a constitutional amendment. Women that say they want equal rights, well here is a good place for you to start, but you know what most do not want equal rights (I know some do), but most want their cake and to eat it too. The laws as they exist today let them do just that!
 thatusernameistaken
Joined: 5/4/2009
Msg: 7
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:09:40 PM
OP, can you clarify a few things please?

By 7 months do you mean that since the separation your child has lived primarily with you?

If so, did you and your child remain in the same home that you were in while you were still with your ex or did you move?

You mention that this order is temporary, so I assume you still have trial upcoming?

What reasons did the judge cite as to why she would get primary residency instead of you (if any)?
 freetime2bme
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 8
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first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 12:38:34 PM
Once there is federal laws a women can not run to a different state that has laws she likes better. It also means state family courts will be subject to oversight at a higher level. As it stands now a women can move to the state that have the laws she likes have the child there get custody, support ordered and the like and then move back if she wants. A father then has to try and over turn an order, which is a long hard road and not likely.

Speaking as a guy that won in court and has full custody. Federal changes would benefit fathers rights. Now a women has all the cards, but the laws in most states are so pro-women they normaly do not have to go to a different state, but it does happen.
 bfbg
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 9
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:24:35 PM
Don't take that the wrong way , I was trhe one caring for him before she left , that how she had such an easy time leaving him and he had such an easy time with her leaving. she had starrted distance herself from us long befor she left .
 bfbg
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 10
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:36:21 PM
yes , she took everything that was paid for and left while I was at work, she left Andrews stuff though . she started getting him whenever it was convienent for her , one or two days a week mostly. but she was calling me the day before , or even the day of and telling me she was picking him up from school . I have to go to mediation first of next month but I know that won't work because she is not concerned about the child , she is just trying to hurt me. she has more "available time for the child since she only works 3 twelve hour shifts a week and I work monday - friday 8:00 to 5:00 and even though I have paid for the ymca camps all summer long , he felt that he should be with his mother whenever she is available. and I could send him to the y and get him after work on the days she works.
 bfbg
Joined: 11/30/2008
Msg: 11
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/17/2009 5:41:50 PM
no the judge deidn't use the term "babysitter" he just said that I get him when she doesn't want him or has to work .you know the times where she would have to hire a babysitter or pay for daycare .
 funone571
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 12
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/18/2009 10:52:14 AM
From the legal side of this document everything!!!! After years of working for the courts one of the resounding phrases that stick in my mind is "if you can't prove it happened then as far as I'm concerned it didn't happen". Beyond that I'd suggest going out and buying the really big bottle of KY jelly 'cuz it sounds like they want to to bend over and take it big time
 heterotic
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 13
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/18/2009 9:48:14 PM


Has he been put in jail or his drivers license suspended? Nothing. I've gone to court every month for the past six months. And nothing. He's supposed to take his girls every other wknd....he doens't. He takes them when it's conviant for him.


Driver's License suspension? Really? Jail?

Have you ever considered leaving the court out of it and talking to him about it? Maybe you are making being a parent seem like a burden.

Why isn't he paying? Does he feel like he is giving you money? Maybe he would be more comfortable being given a portion of the bills and paying them directly.
 funone571
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 14
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/19/2009 6:56:28 AM

I've gone to court every month for the past six months. And nothing.
All I can tell ya Jen29300 is to get ready for a long ride.....it took almost 3 years before the courts would do anything against my X-wife for non-support. That being said she's still playing games and in the end what she doesn't realize is all she's doing is destroying her future with our children. The sad thing is in the end no matter what the courts do no one can force a person (man or woman) to be a loving responsible parent if they choose not to.
 heterotic
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 15
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:19:27 AM
I think that far too many women run right to court as the first option. Most of the women I know didn't bother talking to the fathers and seeing what they would be comfortable doing before tossing themselves into the court system and fighting more than they would have without it.

Your children are seeing all of this. They are absorbing and being affected by everything you are doing.

How many of you have been through this song and dance as a child? If you have, how did it affect you? Does it still affect you today? Does your custodial parent still talk about the non-custodial parent in a negative way, even though they are no longer responsible for paying child support?

If you did go through it, have you modified your behavior based on your own experiences?

If you really do need the money, which I suspect you probably do, do any of you give your ex receipts and lists of where the money is going? Have you considered asking him if he would be more comfortable getting certain bills that add up to the amount you need and paying those bills?
 heterotic
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 16
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:58:17 AM


Your children are seeing all of this. They are absorbing and being affected by everything you are doing.


Only if the parents let them.

Not true.

However, thanks for sharing your story. It's unfortunate your ex couldn't do what he agreed to. I still see some men miss the opportunity to be completely civil about the matter.

Just like some women are greedy and spend the money on themselves.

I hope you get what you need to take care of your kids.
 heterotic
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 17
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/19/2009 10:09:43 PM

You are only 24 YEARS old. It is safe to assume that I know a whole lot more divorced people and parents who aren't together than you do given that I am 19 YEARS older than you. Starting with my divorced parents. Who didn't handle it very well at all, especially my father. And including my ex and myself who were able to be civil to each other 2 days before a court hearing regarding child support and the games that he was playing. I was very mad at him. He was very mad at me. And, yet, he came to our son's birthday party and we were civil to each other. Nobody, including the kids, could tell that we were not at a good place that day. My kids most definitely did NOT know anything that was going on as my ex and I didn't allow it. It's called being the grown up and protecting the children from something that they don't need to be in the middle of.

And my ex and I aren't the only separated/divorced parents who protect the kids this way. While the kids may know that a divorce is happening (kind of hard not to when Daddy and Mommy don't live together anymore), they won't know the details if the parents don't allow it. And you can say "Not true" all you want, my experience (which is a lot more than yours) says differently.

BTW, I do know my kids a whole lot better than you do and I do know that they don't know about any of the details of the divorce or the fighting over the money. But your assumption is understandable. I remember when I was your age and thought I knew everything. Fortunately, with age, comes wisdom. One day, you may get there too.



My parents are divorced, and both are redivorced. Not to mention that both of my step parents were married at least once before they married mom and dad. I don't need to be the one doing the divorcing to have been through it.

My mother and father did not discuss the details of the divorce with us. I can tell you right now, I knew when my dad stopped paying support. I knew when the lights turned off and nobody else in the neighborhood had their power out that the bill wasn't paid. It didn't take too long to figure out that a pink bill meant it was coming soon. Children are far more intuitive than you are giving credit for.

It's kind of laughable that you assume because I am 24 that you have more experience than I do. Keep in mind that you know nothing about my life, or how long I have been forced to be an adult.



My ex and I were ALWAYS civil to each other in front of the kids. It's called being an adult.

Congratulations. I didn't say anything about civility in front of children. In fact I specifically used the word "completely" to leave some level of courtesy.
 Frumph
Joined: 12/1/2008
Msg: 18
first custody hearingf , What a joke
Posted: 6/19/2009 11:24:42 PM
The court is not on the mother's side, the court is on the predetermined notions of what is right or wrong by the council and judge advocacy that are there.

When you state what you want in the outcome to be, be determined by it and don't let your council's opinions sway you.
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