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 *mandrake*
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 2
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer! Father's Day can be a very traumatic time for a family, especially the children, when a father/mother has been lost! In your case, it has only been a year or so. Feelings are going to be very tender still, memories fresh, and anger lingers.

I have no doubt your daughter sees any man, as a replacement! So the competition for affection, attention goes through the roof. She is still very young, and doesn't see things with your eyes! Communication is KEY here! She may not even know "what" she is feeling, other than a jumbled mess of confusion!

You are a person, a woman, a mother, and still a grieving widow in many ways, but ready to move on. The mindset of the child/children is not the same as yours. They will not understand your actions, choices or decisions, and that is ok. But it is vital that you talk, share, cry your way through this. Make sure this doesn't become a wedge that will divide the family fabric!

good luck.
 lorelei540
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 3
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 7:55:47 AM
You can replace your husband with another.

She cannot replace her father, ever.

She's not ready, within a matter of months after his death, for what you have described as a serious relationship that's just waiting for the clock to tick down on raising the kids before your new life together can start.

When you're the parent, moving on is not all about you. Your kids' needs come first, including their emotional needs. And the thing is, beyond food and shelter you don't get to decide what your kids' needs are. If your daughter's needs include feeling secure enough to know that mom isn't just marking time until she's grown and out of the house before starting over with a new husband, then you need to honor her feelings about it, not just your own.
 hungry_joe
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 4
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Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:05:02 AM
It's only been a year since her father died. So, she's still greving. Give it time. She might have a point about getting serious too soon. Yet you're grown and capable of knowing your heart. Don't worry and take your time, everything will work out in the end. Best of Luck to you and yours.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 5
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Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:12:48 AM
With this holiday approaching, did you remember to sit down with both your children and ask them how they were doing, if they wanted to talk about their dad, if they wanted to do something special to celebrate his day?

Your daughter is worried that you are replacing her dad, something that happens whether it is a split or a death, but more of a big deal I think for kids that have lost their parents. For them, your happiness is rubbing salt in their wounds. That doesn't mean that you should move on with your life but you should "get" that seeing you so happy is difficult for your children.

I am 45, this particular Father's Day I am missing him terribly because he actually loved me just the way I am. My father died 10 years ago. I think you dismiss the teenage attitude, forget about your situation and deal with children that are in pain.

This is one day that she is acutely missing her father and yannow, she has every right to be pissed that she still loves and misses him so much and in her eyes, she may think you don't even remember him, whether it is rational or not.
 bernta
Joined: 9/3/2007
Msg: 6
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 10:41:15 AM
Hi OP...I agree with everyone else that your daughter is probably accutely missing her dad. I'm 49 and my dad has been gone six years but I still miss him terribly. But I think there's also something else playing in your daughters mind.


<div class="quote">My daughter however has clearly said she would rather I date seven men at the same time than one man exclusively.

I'm thinking that part of your daughter's animosity has to do with whether or not she thinks you are having sex. That's why seven guys would be okay...you wouldn't be sleeping with any of them, but with one, in her mind, you probably are. Maybe for her, this is a direct betrayal of her dad. She can handle the thought of you dating but she can't handle the thought of you being intimate with someone other than her father.

You know your daughter, and her attitudes about sex and dating. They will apply double to you! Both of my daughters told me that they were fine with me dating but if they were around there were to be NO PDA's...not even holding hands! And my older daughter told me that I had to wait until I was married again to have sex. Your daughter may be struggling with where she thinks your boundaries should be.

I may be way off base but it may be worth a discussion with her just in case.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 7
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 2:04:29 PM
It stands to reason that Father's Day will refresh the grief in your daughter where the loss of her Dad is concerned and it should certainly come as no surprise to you OP. It is a day where she has every right to expect your comfort for her sadness.

I think that your beginning to date was premature in that it would be reasonable to expect that it takes longer than 7 months to re-fashion the family unit with such a significant person being taken from it. Your jumping that important evolution is, without doubt, making your daughter wonder if she could be replaced so easily and quickly (regardless of your understanding with her deceased father). In other words, by jumping into this relationship with the new guy, you have failed to acknowledge how deeply affected children can be by the loss of a parent AND you have failed to give your daughter a reasonable period of time to get the ground back under her before you rocked it again with a new person. What did you think it was going to do to her to be shaken so seriously within such a short period of time?


I love my daughter with all my heart, yet will not put myself into a position of forever being alone because of her issues.


Your immediate need for a partner is NOT your daughter's issues... It is YOUR issue. Your daughter's issue, during a stage of life that is already difficult at best, was to find security and comfort in the unit that was left by her Dad's passing. She is entitled to have that and you, as I see it, have a parental obligation to give it.

If in fact, you HAD to take a lover at this point in time, it would have been far better for you to have done so very discreetly. Instead, you are literally shoving this guy down her throat.

I hope that before you damage your relationship with your daughter any further, you will back off from feeling such a critical need to put your own issues ahead of your children's. She is not trying to selfishly manipulate you into not getting your own needs met. She is telling you that she needs to know that she has some ground that doesn't fall away beneath her feet whenever she takes a step.

I think you are playing with fire and if you continue to ignore the warnings, you do so at the peril of one of the most valuable relationships you will ever have. You can always replace a lover.... You can't replace a loving daughter.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:36:20 PM
I am so sorry for the loss you and your children have suffered. I wish peace in working through your grief.
I do agree with some other posters that your new 'happiness' may be affecting your child very negatively. Although she sounds like a typical drama queen teenage girl her grief is very real. You were given a blessing by your husband and his family to move on and find love, but your children will never be afforded the same level of freedom. A new relationship or love will never replace their Dad in their hearts. Your relationship does not offer the same comfort to them as it has to you. She does consider this man a substitute and a threat.
I would readily suggest family therapy. The remaining family has to be whole happy and healed before anyone new is introduced.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 9
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 3:37:31 PM

my husband died a year ago this month and i only have young children a 2 year old and a 1 year old


I am terribly sorry for your loss...


i think with kids its difficult to understand that moms can love someone other than their dad. my mom split with my dad when i was 5 and she waited 6 or 7 years and found the love of her life


Some stages of life are even more difficult than others when children have to cope with parents being replaced by step-parents. A young teen who was only 5 months away from losing her father (not to mention having ALSO gone through the months of anticipatory grieving with a father who was terribly ill) when her mother took a lover, is likely feeling a great deal more pressure than your babies would feel if you were to take a new partner.


hope you and your daughter can work it out, it may take a while but just remember you have to be happy too, your husband gave you his blessing so your daughter needs to understand that life doesnt stop revolving and you will never truely stop loving you late husband but there comes a time when you need to fill the lonely nights or just have someone to talk too


I see your advise has being very compassionate but I think you are missing the point here. Young people who have lost someone significant in their lives at a critical point in the formations of their identity, can feel terribly helpless and abandoned. I'm sure you're aware that young teens are not having an easy time of things these days. A loving parent understands that they didn't just lose their husband... Their children lost their father and the person who is usually one of the main supporting structures in their world. The family unit needs to re-form and it needs time to do that.

There certainly are situations where the children are entirely manipulative about their either one of their parents finding someone new but this isn't a child who has had 6 or 7 years to come to grips with the loss of a parent and what it means to her world. This is a child who has JUST lost a parent and needs a double-dose of the remaining parent in order to become strong again.

If it had been a few years since her father died, I would agree that the child is being manipulative but that just isn't the case. We all have a right to go on and find love but when we choose to be parents, our rights and needs simply MUST take a backseat when our children are already suffering.
 tass08
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 11
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:01:09 PM
Holy crap, OP. Way, way TMI. And none of it about your daughter.



My husband went on to tell his brothers the same thing, to make sure that I move forward with my life after his death, and to fully encourage me to date and find love.
Within weeks after his death they both talked to me and said, move forward with life,
as soon as you are ready, you have our blessing.


So what? Your daughter is in pain. It's not about you. It's about her.

Jaysus, poor kid. Lost her dad first, and now her mom is reliving her lost youth.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 13
Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/21/2009 8:33:24 PM
OP... You have said nothing in msgs. 21 or 23 that changes the views I have already expressed here.

Your dedication to your husband and children was admirable in the face of so many challenges and you are to be admired for all that you've done. However, as long as you've made a scant 12 months seem, it is still a scant 12 months and only 7 if you met your new lover 5 months ago. It appears by your new post, that you were busy even prior to meeting the person you are now with.

Although your husband, his family and your friends have all encouraged you to go on with your life, I sincerely doubt that they meant that you should run over top of what your children need to do so. Your parental obligations are such that you need to be concerned with re-creating a place of safety, comfort and reassurance for your children. It isn't what you say that is going to make that happen but rather, what you do each and every day.

In light of your new posts, I don't get that you are sincerely looking for any alternatives that would improve the relationship with your daughter as it now stands. It sounds as though you are quite preoccupied with getting your own needs met at any cost so I only hope your daughter can find a place of healing with the friends and relatives that are concerned about what she is going through.

Finally, no one is judging you. You asked for people to offer their thoughts and we have. There were discreet ways for you to get your needs met that would not have involved your daughter even having to contend with the issue but you have chosen not to consider them. I stand by what I initially wrote here... I believe that you are seriously jeopardizing your relationship with your daughter and what you do at this critical time is something she will ALWAYS remember. If you can live with that, then there was really no need for this post.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 17
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Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:16:40 PM
I believe you have lept to an extreme Widowsdesire... you've assumed that it is "all or nothing". I actually think Silken and other's advice is very useful to your situation.

At 14, your daughter's world is changing rapidly and it is very unsettling. Of course she is comparing to her friends experiences - what else does she have to compare her situation with? If you give her time - and that's all she really needs as far as I can tell from your posts - she'll likely settle down as her fears settle down.

I imagine you mention your bf and your feelings about him to and around your daughter. As she is already fearful that can only add to her fears and make it worse for her. Why not dial that back? I suspect you may have trouble dialing it back.

It *seems* you have some trouble seeing this - and accepting it - from your daughter's perspective.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 19
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Happy Fathers Day, or is it?
Posted: 6/22/2009 2:47:15 PM
OP, i understand what you are saying and i also understand that your daughter's needs as an "emotional" teen, are cropping up at the worst possible stage for parenting a teen girl in light of the hormones--let alone his death and the long horrific experience you all endured.

i also understand that if you are kept home more than usual, you get hooked into internet posting. sometimes the info you provide is to most, without "boundaries" and desperate. quite frankly, in your situation, i understand the "desperate". however, at this point in time, you need to get some family therapy and maybe even some therapy for yourself, rather than blast the intricate details of your life on pof.

did it ever occur to you that teens are very computer saavy and that your kid might be reading some of your posts here on pof? which might contribute even further to her youthful agony? i remember you said you put a different town on your profile, or at least i think that was you. but your pic is there and i assume it's your pic. you must get out into the real world again. perhaps do some part time doctoring. get some friends you can confide in, as opposed to the sort of ocd type details you provide with your sex life on here.

if you are asking people about what to do, of course you will get the full range of responses. everyone responds differently. not everyone can do the procedures you have performed on a very sick husband. not everyone is in their sexual prime. etc. etc. you need to take this to the real world, non virtual community of professionals and friends there to help you. i think the situation you are asking about is already handled and you may even be addressing your kids needs, given that this was written on fathers day.

but tucked into all of that you are needing to voice your years of agony and want sympathy. the only place you will get that type of support is in a group of young widows and widowers who are also facing the aftermath.

i am dating a widow whose 53 year old wife just came home and dropped dead over a year ago. i'm the first one he has dated since. but, he has done a lot of processing and he brings the good of that marriage into our relationship. when my kids were younger, they first said ewww, when i started to date after my divorce. but over time, they saw they were not threatened.

no matter what you say, you are still grieving--your own losses, as well as the loss of him. you had no time for you back then, but you cannot make it all up just with a man. i think it's fine to slowly let someone into your life, as you slowly deal with what has happened. but in between constantly remininding the readers, in this OP , as well as other posts how many people write you is sort of childish. we all are favorited, written to, etc. but the fact is and take this from someone who also allowed herself to grieve via virtual reality for a bit--this is the wrong venue. you need to find live bodies to process a lot of the "emotions" you are going through and talk the details of your sex life, with one or two good friends and not the world to see, let alone your kids having access to it.

this is an unusually unsupportive world for teens. way too much stimulation. i talk also to my kids, but when they ask and just not that much detail on my intimate sexual experiences. hopefully, they don't share your computer as again, they are way too saavy and they can find your "stuff" easily.

try a little experiment. stay off pof for a week, and in the course of that arrange for some therapy. there is a saying, "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth". try meditation and try to still your mind. get out into the air and start finding a place where you fit--in the real world. i may not be a widow, but there was a time when my disabilty was "acute". i raved and ranted. just recently thanked a man for putting up with my emails back then. i was sooooooooooo lonely and sooooooooooo alone. since then i've gotten better, but moved, had to push to get out there and make sense of a new community. having achieved that and now with a man again, after an interlude since last summer while i "dated", i look back and say whew!

gotta breathe OP and try to be still within you in order to "reconstruct". i was a high powered exec in the health care field. i really do understand, although my details may be different. but with that, i must say, some of your posting is WAY TOO MUCH INFO!!! and i'm known to share quite a bit and also very talkative as you can see by this post! you gotta reel it in.
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