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Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 126
POF LessonsPage 6 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

I think there's a bit of "truth" in every opinion expressed here. Small "t" truth. My own feeling is that we all want what we want, (some version of the fairy tale) and are trying to attract that. If we're not getting what we say we want, there could be any number of reasons why. I'm only interested in the big "T" truth about why we aren't getting what we say we want. I don't KNOW what the big "T" truth about that is, but I'd like to venture a guess or two.

For myself, I like to think I can have what I want, that the universe is generous enough to allow that. Like a kid with the genie in a bottle, I have a wish, and so I think hard about what I want, and then wish for it. The question that comes up is: "Is it ok for me to specify EXACTLY what I want, even if it does not meet the approval of others?" So if I'm (for example) "short, fat, balding, broke, with low self-esteem", can I ask for (and receive!) "tall, thin, rich, gorgeous, etc"? And who here, has the right to make me WRONG for what I want? (Apparently, all those who do not meet my specified criteria, and even some who do!) See, I see all "lists" as exactly the same. Every list will eliminate some people, and include others. Or another way of saying that... every list will make someone wrong for some aspect of their being, whether physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, etc. We may not set out to make others (who don't fit our very specific list of criteria) wrong, but that seems to be a side effect of specifying things in the way we do. No?

I read a lot of women's profiles, and in every case, I'm doing a self-inventory - do I qualify? Do I not qualify? Only where I think I qualify to a greater percentage, do I bother to respond. If some woman wants "tall", ( 6' plus) I DON'T respond. Where some woman wants someone who "loves to dance", I DON'T respond. etc. Years ago, I was browsing ads in a paper in another town, and read what I thought would have been the perfect match, til I got to the end of her "list" where she said, "sorry, no receding hairlines". Oh well. I sent her a letter listing all the ways I perfectly fit her list, and at the end had to say, "too bad we won't meet, because of my hairline." I didn't give her a return address, so she wasn't able to respond. I thought I'd let her spend the rest of her days wondering if she perhaps missed out on the "perfect" (except for the hairline) guy. I've grown up since then, and have come to accept the fact that WE WANT WHAT WE WANT, even if we don't fit that description ourselves. Hey, look around. I see short, fat, "ugly" guys with tall, thin, gorgeous women, and vice versa, I think we all have. And I'm pretty sure we've all made the judgment that they don't seem like they should be with each other at all. (Come on, tell the truth. You did it too...)

Now someone is going to point out that all my examples focus on the physical. I assert that ALL criteria are the same. Wanting someone who is "honest" or "financially independent" or "strong yet vulnerable" or "attractive and fit" is all the same thing! Why will someone say it's better to want "honest" (but unattractive) than to want "attractive" but shallow? You get to ask for what you want, don't make someone else wrong for their freedom to choose! The consequences of their choice is their issue, not yours.

The lesson? Don't do unto others that which you would not tolerate having others do unto you!

On another note, I think there's a lot of fear. Fear that we will wind up in another long and torturous relationship; fear that we will find (what we think is) the "perfect" person, and before too long, all the crap that showed up before in every other relationship, will now present itself in this one. Have we not "been there, done that"?
I've heard it said that whatever crap we haven't dealt with in the last relationship, will be there to deal with in the next one. So we better have dealt with it, or prepare to deal with it now. Fun thought, eh? Is it ok if I ask for someone who has dealt with her crap, in spite of the fact that I may not have completely dealt with mine!? (At least then, there'll only be half as much crap to deal with! LOL!) That's going on the list.....

PS I had a serious profile up, and had "friends/activity partners" for "hang out" and got made wrong by women who thought I should be here to "date" or "more" (because in their view, this is a "dating" site) Whatever!
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 127
POF Lessons
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:00:18 PM

Meeting someone interesting ASAP is helpful. No sense in beating around the bush.
The bush can be tricky.
~ MN

So then it is true what they say, that a hand in the bush beats two birds in the bush.
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 128
POF Lessons
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:09:58 PM
^^^ Or is it one bird in the bush is better than one in the hand?
I don't know my friend, you's your bird.
 meat me
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 129
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/7/2009 10:37:03 PM
Given the opportunity, I'd like to try them all.
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 130
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:21:02 PM
That some people don't have the common courtesy to respond, even if not interested. Manners are a lost value!

Real time pics please. Not yesteryear!
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 131
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:46:07 PM
I guess I have learned a few things. I should state I have met a few really great people from this site, a few I still talk with regularly.

- A lot of people are not in touch with themselves enough to write more then 200 characters about themselves.

- A lot of women can't even be bothered to delete messages they don't intend on replying to, let alone a "thanks but no thanks" email (I have never received one, I hear it can happen though). I love watching emails I sent rot for 30 days...really.

- Ultimately none of this site or the dating stuff matters, cause when I close my eyes at night I am still alone no matter who is next to me. I need to put me first and make sure I am the best person I can be for myself, no one else is going to do that for me. Ok, I knew that one before, but it has been firmly reinforced over the last year I have been on here.

- The people on these forums are really weird, especially the ones who use this as a social activity and don't actually like to meet people...
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 132
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/9/2009 11:17:24 AM

I think we have trouble putting ourselves first. It seems unaltruistic . However, I do not think until we truly do this that we can ever be altruistic.

Good words, I know exactly what you are saying.
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 133
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/10/2009 10:07:04 AM
I love watching emails I sent rot for 30 days...really.

you do realize the time spent watching would have been better served doing something more worthwhile?

such as this or or ----->

Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 134
POF Lessons
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:54:21 PM
Golly, Mungo Zen! Plenty of the Plenty are so Weird (how weird are they? 00h good thread title I'll have to google it) who would actually WANT to meet them?
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 135
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 9:03:47 AM
I have learned that maybe Shirley Maclaine was right about reincarnation. Seems to be a lot of that here.
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 136
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:11:29 AM
I agree with you completely. I've only been on here a short time but I have attended some POF events and met some great people and had a lot of fun. It also gives you opportunity to meet people that you wouldn't necessarily contact from the sanctity of your living room. At my first event, I did some people a disservice by shying away but now try and meet everyone there for at least a quick chat. I've found the hosts and veteran POF'rs are more than welcoming to newbies and will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable. If there is someone attending that your interested in, you can meet with no dating type expectations.....the best of both worlds. I've met a lot of people who have made lifelong and best friends on here.

So my lesson learned is...get the heck off the computer and get out to some events. If your uncomfortable going alone or to a club, take a few buddies with you. I check the profiles of everybody attending and try and get to know a little something about them before I go.

My two cents...
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 137
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:51:02 AM
sorry...I was responding to message #65...rhodax

I wonder if the people that have never attended a POF event have so misrepresented their profile that their scared of being exposed as the frauds that they probably are...
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 138
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 10:58:15 AM

I wonder if the people that have never attended a POF event have so misrepresented their profile that their scared of being exposed as the frauds that they probably are

Yup, if we aren't all just like you we must be frauds.
Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 139
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 11:20:34 AM
I haven't attended any events as there hasn't been any that I know of here in Kelowna. Would hope that there will be something in the future.
Joined: 2/12/2009
Msg: 140
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 11:50:29 AM

I've found the hosts and veteran POF'rs are more than welcoming to newbies and will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable.

Well said!

I have had the same experience, and it is now my pleasure to carry on that tradition as host myself.
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 141
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:22:02 PM
Don`t ignore those little red flags that have evolved in your head over the year`s. It WILL come back to bite you !
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 142
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:32:09 PM
When you think you know what you read, rethink what you think you read; because, what you think you read might not be what they meant you to think
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 143
view profile
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:35:46 PM
I have found alot of people on POF to be genuine. (not everyone though) but some of my favorites even open up their homes for a pot luck for out of town people who come to an event. I have faith in my fellow POF'ers.. that is my POF lesson.
Joined: 9/25/2009
Msg: 144

Posted: 11/11/2009 9:56:01 PM
I've learned to be thankful for what you have. There is always someone else that has it worse off. Just from reading about other people's life experiences. Definitely someone who has encountered a bigger, badder loser and had a worse dating experience. YIKES!

I have encountered a lot of liars, which is discouraging and agree with the comment on married people trying to date. Very disgusting!

I don't expect much from pof and so when I do make a new friend or something positive comes from chatting, I'm thankful and smile. Sometimes I laugh my guts out too. I've been known to have insomnia and mop a floor or two in the middle of the night due to pof. Who would have thought?
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 145
view profile
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/13/2009 12:03:33 AM
I've learned that its easier to find someone when I stop feeling sorry for myself and stop making lame excuses for why I couldn't find someone (excuses that invariably blame the opposite gender instead of admitting the truth when it is my own shortcomings that are to blame).
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 146
POF Lessons
Posted: 11/13/2009 1:53:42 AM
I"ve learned that POF dosen"t stand for Provide Only Facts. No wonder I prefer the events better. Gives my eyes and ears a chance to observe people being real, and if they are not , my built-in B.S. detector is and has for the better part been reliable. From the stories, I thought it was just the guys that stretttccchhhed the truth. We are an equal opportunity society though. Still have my sense of humor.
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 147
POF Lessons
Posted: 2/20/2010 8:55:40 AM
I have learned that it's easy to form assumptions based on experiences on here. One I have formed is "women on pof" are batchit crazy
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 148
POF Lessons
Posted: 2/20/2010 9:30:20 AM
what's batchit?
you mean bat SHYT !!!!!

take a guess what (ahem who) made us that way

pof lesson from WT :
know what you want (without lying to yourself people) before venturing through this large internet population of people desiring one or many things or you will find your poor heart strewn among the masses and your mind ... well, what snotsure said
or , on flip side, you could leave a trail of broken hearts and crazy minds coming back to bite you in the azz.
and for god sakes' make sure your home life is in order before you move on to the phase of dating or seeking relationships.. using pof has a means to escape is never a good idea
again... azz biting is the most often preeminent result \

((slurps coffee *hums What a Wonderful World*))
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 149
POF Lessons
Posted: 2/20/2010 9:16:59 PM
Assume no one is who they say and that strictly entertainment is what true purpose is, and what is sought!
Recycling seems to be the new set up for the site. Once deleted now shows up on will respond, NOT!!
Pics are distinctly a intuition tester, never, never go against gut feeling.

Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 150
POF Lessons
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:05:31 AM
(Can't figure out how to do a quote from another message)

Mountainlion, in msg 11 you mentioned not to email forever and to move on to at least a telephone conversation. I had a bad experience with that. Gave out my phone number, he did a reverse look-up,( I'm guessing) and showed up at me door drunk! My 14 year old daughter was so scared. I manged to get him out the door, by threatening phoning the police, and I haven't given out my phone number since for initial contact. I will meet someone for a walk if the emailing is going well. I prefer to meet people at events though.

I don't want my daughter to have to go through that ever again. After I meet the person a number of times I may give out my phone number, haven't yet though.
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