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 MrPatient1101
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 2
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Is this a game, or interest?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
wow, that is definetly a lot to saok in. I dont have any thoughts on her intentions as Im not you and havent spent the time with her. Two things come to mind however.

1. have you told her how your feeling and asked what is going on in her head?? If your answer is no then do exactly that. Find out, ask her. If she acts like your overstepping then i think your answer is clear.

2. Maybe she wa a little mad at the fact that she cancelled plans for you and you wouldnt do the same? This is is just an assumption so you might not want to assume this as we all know what happens when you assume.

Hope this helped, best of luck and hope things go well with you 2. Sounds like you're haveing a blast together
 MrPatient1101
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 4
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:03:23 AM
Theres only one way to find out. I know its only been 3 weeks but if you feeling that way then I dont see why expressing it should be a problem. If its a problem for her then maybe your not right for each other.

On a side note.. if she hasnt dated in a year then maybe shes being cautious. maybe shes having the same feelings and instead of letting them lose she is holding back to not scare you away. I think a nice talk would do the both of you justice. Go get'em tiger!!
 MrPatient1101
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 6
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:24:07 AM
You should approach her however you feel comfortable doing. Lets be honest tho Severin. You are FEELING that way correct? There should be no reason to sugarcoat it.

If you must... Ask her where you see this going. I mean there is no real way to ask this other than flat out asking her.



"You know we've had some great times together and I was just wondering where you think this is going?"

Let her answer, then if she returns the question. Tell her how you feel.. or "think"
 AwP
Joined: 12/31/2006
Msg: 7
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 11:24:27 AM
No way to know for sure, but I'm going to guess that she's shy/unused to dating, then again I'm a bit of an optimist. If she isn't interested then it won't work out no matter what you do, if she is interested but just shy then it can work if you make a bit of an effort and are understanding. So you lose nothing you wouldn't have lost anyways by trying, and you have a chance of gaining a relationship with someone you like, so I suggest giving it more of a chance. You said she doesn't seem like the game player type, if that's true then having a direct talk with her probably isn't a bad idea.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 10
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 4:57:12 PM
It sounds like she's not sure what she wants, likes the physical attention and spending time with you but doesn't want to feel 'possessed' in public. Also, she can't assume that you would like her to be overly possessive in public either: some men really hate that. She might be seeing others or might not be as interested as you, but my feeling is that she doesn't know how she feels yet and is just trying to keep it casual until she does. If she's not sure how you feel about her, then I think she's likely to remain casual and not show any deeper feelings. I can't guarantee any of the above but that's just my guess. If I'm right and you ask her how she feels, she won't know and will probably feel pressured too soon. If you show her you like her and want to see more of her, the worst she can do is to back off. If she doesn't back off but just seems to accept it and go along with it, that would suggest to me that things are going OK for her. She's just going with the flow until it all makes more sense. I suppose I've been there and done that myself which is why it seems familiar.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 17
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:26:34 PM
Hmm ... don't know. I think make it clear you like her and want to see more of her, but not in a pressurising kind of way, just in an 'it would be great if we could get together soon' way, then be sure to follow up. I think because of the way I've behaved in the past (just like her, in fact, and for the reasons I've mentioned), men have responded by becoming less certain about me than they seemed before. Sometimes they've even got suspicious and assumed the worst, when I was just unsure and drifting really. I found their reaction confusing after an initial display of interest and became wary and less affectionate with them. It was downhill from then onwards. When the man was consistent and positive, despite how I was feeling, things went much better. I guess I just need them to be more confident about it all first in order for me to feel the same. Not fair, I know. Good luck.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 19
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:40:35 PM
Okay, technically, none of us could have 100% technically correct advice because we weren't there, and not able to read her... but assuming what you said was basically true...

Yeah, it sounds like she has interest, but wavering interest. She doesn't want to get too close. She could underneath it all be really into you, especially if she's immaturely minded underneath it all... but PROBABLY not. She has mild interest at least.

You are operating on different gears than her in the "pace" of things. Sounds like you're trying to be boyfriend/girlfriend awfully quick. "But we slept together!" you may say... but no, that doesn't mean commitment, it usually means "if I wasn't too drunk, I'm attracted to you", if they hang out with you again. It does draw you two closer, by default, but it you shouldn't let it speed things up too quickly -- that's not a good move.

Anyway, her interest is mild, but wavering it SOUNDS like. Relax and don't worry about it too much. Go out on one more date, and if you notice an -increase- in distance (or just too much), at the end of the night, bring it up in a not-too-serious tone. Just ask her what pace she likes when dating, and if she's comfortable, etc.

Don't let it pester you too much, you'll end up overreacting if too much builds up. Just relax if your next date doesn't go really well.

And you shouldn't think "distance" if there's no pda. She's taking it slow, you may just be trying to move too fast.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 21
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 6:58:56 PM
I must confess you are making me think very hard here. But firstly, we must not assume that this woman is behaving the way she is for the same reasons as me. That might be a red herring and I'm only offering my thoughts on it. She's a different person.

You are right in that it should be two way. I'd prefer to continue any discussion of my reasons off the forums, so if you'd like, then please email me and I'll respond.

I think humour, being light-hearted and continuing to show warm interest would have been most helpful.
 army3
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 23
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/25/2009 7:50:27 PM

She didn't cancel any plans for me- she canceled her plans then asked if I wanted to see her: so I was the back-up for her original plans that particular day.


Um...... a backup? I don't ever take back burner- but that's just me. They want to be treated like numero uno, so do I.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 24
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/29/2009 12:16:12 PM
Possibly, except that would mean that she's the one who slowed it down- remember, she's the one who kicked up it by letting me in her bed multiple times.

AH HA! :)

No, hopping in bed does not mean you're speeding up a RELATIONSHIP. Biggest myth. Now, yes, many women tie both of those together, but not all.

Kicking it up means meeting parents, family gatherings, friends' weddings, etc. Meshing lives and tying you into people that are close to them. Spending lazy Sundays together and the like with no plans set but knowing you probably will, happily... Stuff like that.

Because a woman is willing to have a fling, doesn't mean she's trying to marry you.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 28
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 6/30/2009 7:02:01 PM
OP-
I wasn't referring to ACTUAL marriage. My point was, because she was willing to hop in the sack doesn't mean she was "speeding things up". I mean, on some level, sure... but just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's trying to get close to you in terms of dating/relationship... especially if she hasn't dated for a while and has "a wall" up.

Hence, don't read into her willing to get physical as a sign of kicking "us" into high gear. Many people getting their feet wet (no pun intended) in the dating scene are willing to be physical quicker or in general hard to read.
 destructodave
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 29
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:00:38 PM
Sounds like a little bit of a game. You just need to play.

Dont talk to her about where its going or anything like that. Just act like it doesnt bother you in the least, like you got a million other things going on in your life besides just her.

You did good by not giving in to her when she wanted to hang out after cancelling. Really, I would try as hard as i could not to over contact her. make her contact you. If she likes you she will. She will overanalyze the same crap you are now. why you arent contacting her.

People will flame and say dont play these games but sometimes you just have to.

Her having a guard up and whatnot could be a viable excuse, but who's to say this isnt how she dated in the past? Id just play along, show interest on the date, but act like your life is busy enough without her. Give her a challenge.
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 30
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:24:52 PM
I don't really see anything in what you described as something to really worry about. It's only been three weeks. And she may be more traditional than you and are used to more traditional guys - guys who make the first moves and do the wooing and chasing in the beginning. Why do you expect her to chase you? There are plenty of men around that are willing to do the wooing. You may not like it, but you are always competing against the other men she has experienced. Guys who may have done all the calling, asking out, whisking her off her feet, etc. I'm not a big phone person myself. Doesn't really mean anything. Try romancing her a bit more, and maybe she'll warm up to you. Maybe she is waiting for the woo. (by the way, that's not playing a game. It's simply not having interest piqued enough to fall for you...and hoping that things will improve as dating goes along. And sometimes guys do get better as time goes on and they feel more secure in what is going on).
 destructodave
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 31
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/2/2009 2:36:05 PM

There are plenty of men around that are willing to do the wooing. You may not like it, but you are always competing against the other men she has experienced. Guys who may have done all the calling, asking out, whisking her off her feet, etc.


Which is exactly why you need to not show her the same ole song and dance she is used to. Especially if there is other men in the picture. You need to separate yourself as desirable, someone in demand.

You can woo her when you get her. Right now you aint got her.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 33
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Posted: 7/4/2009 12:39:22 PM
Sounds like she revealed herself to someone (talked) and ended up getting hurt. She's being very careful not to do that now. Also, people respond differently when you talk to them about things that matter: some listen and are understanding, some listen for a few seconds then start a monologue about themselves, some start telling you what to do, some are creative and interactive, and some are judgmental. What do you do and would it encourage someone who is unsure about herself to be revealing?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 34
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/4/2009 1:43:14 PM
I would say there's nothing wrong with keeping your environment in places she's comfortable with. That way, she'll be comfortable with YOU, and associate you, by yourself, being a comfort zone no matter where you go in the upcoming future.

However, I doubt that's the only issue here... there's more to it than that, otherwise, all these worries wouldn't come up. As a guy, you only do so much chasing. If she hasn't dated in a while, it can easily be a belated rebound-effect, so if she has the markers of someone who is emotionally on the rebound (from dating in general; not requiring a specific ex who just left), then that may be what it is.

Just don't invest too much emotionally into it. Don't be the "See? I'll do anything to make you happy! Here's a broom! I'm trying to sweep you off your feet..." kind of guy. That will only rock the comfort-zone boat. Don't be the opposite either. Just show that you're available, but not too available. You're a catch -- not a fish jumping in the boat begging to be caught (women don't like that, regardless of what one's grandmother would say).

When people are emotionally jostled (new to dating scene many times does that), they're like kids. They're clueless.

Allow the comfort zone to be there, but don't stretch yourself thin by any means at this point. The more you do, the more you're going to want to fight for it, and the more it can plausibly back her away. If she understands she does have to at least extend a hand, give a call or email herself, etc., then you're on the right track -- and she'll respect you more.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 36
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:02:25 PM
Don't think you are doing anything wrong, quite the contrary. She's still seeing you, sleeping with you and making time for you at weekends. Maybe she thinks she's demonstrating how she feels to you? Some people are just not good at expressing things verbally until they feel they are on sure ground. I wouldn't play games: if she's aware of gameplayer tactics she'll spot it straight away and that will be it. But I wouldn't crowd her either. In fact, you sound like you're pitching it just fine as it is.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 37
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/4/2009 3:38:31 PM
Could be that she's just not quick to warm up to people, even if she's slept with them. Sounds ok - you don't have to worry about her calling too much, and she's not complaining that you don't call enough so that's a plus. Beyond that it sounds like she takes her time getting to know someone and just doesn't do a lot of cheerleading and doting. If you're used to women doing stuff like that, you tend to assume they are supposed to.

I am this way. I don't chase, I don't call, and I don't make grand gestures. Generally if I am asking you to spend time, or agreeing to it and I show up I am interested. I will tell you I am, and expect that if I do that you take me at my word.

If you can't devote the time to figure out if you like 1 person and move on to another, then what good is it to split your attention/emotion/time between 2?

P.S.: This is like saying to have one friend you can't pay attention to other friends, when the truth is that while you are with someone they can get your undivided attention. The only time you cannot concentrate on two people at once is when they are both in the same room.

However, once you know you really like someone and want to learn more (usually after some time), then I agree that it's not good to date two or three for months.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/4/2009 5:07:29 PM

Interesting. So Womaninprogress: You seem to understand where I'm coming from, and especially about my usual track record with how people I see respond, but what do you make of the communication thing- just as you say: not quick to warm up? I've been thinking that our usual date venue is hindering some of that warming up process, we haven't done much activity based dating, which is odd for me as normally I'm a do-er.

Is this because she's not an activity dater? Or because she doesn't see it as dating? Or because your schedules haven't cleared enough to get into active dating? I guess that's the real bottom line. Not what you're not doing but why and what each of you thinks it means.

Also, sometimes she'll say things then renege on them quietly.

I guess I'd need an explanation on that one as well.

Example- one night we're at the bar and she's telling me she wants me to spend the night (actually stay for once/breakfast, you know). We eventually get back to her place, what happens happens, we can't stop touching each other, it's pushing 6orsoAM Sunday morning, so it was suggested I leave (and even then we couldn't stop). I can understand to some degree- she can't very well be waking up at 5pm then go right back to sleep for work the next day (she's rather religious about work), but at the same time little things like that throw me a bit. This sort of saying something, then backing out on it gave me strong deja vu from earlier times: I've done that sort of thing. Had women over, wined, slept with, then asked them to leave (of course, I could stop, easily, touching them). I was a different person then. It makes me wonder if she's experiencing that at my expense.

See, to me this means she wanted you to come back to her place - sex and any possible time spending being the main reason. I think you took "spend the night" literally, and honestly when you get right down to it it was morning when you left. I tend to want my space after sex too - it's like ok I did that, now I want sleep and what's happening tomorrow...I can't sleep with someone in my bed, and I can't sleep well somewhere I'm not used to.

Finally, Womaninprogress- It's my personal 'deal', I just won't see multiple people at once.

Ok, so long as you know it's not YOUR deal.

I feel it's a game (it is, irregardless of how it's spun, you're playing one party against the other to see who comes out on top), I feel ashamed that I did those sorts of things when I was younger, and I'd rather take the time to get to know 1 person fully before deciding yes/no. I'm still a proponent of the "Last Date" ideal.

You feel it's a game based on personal experience, and I suspect due to the fact that not being in control and having an ego that tends to prevent some men from wanting to know they aren't the only anything...however:

If you feel this way, that is solely your opinion of it. Again, initially there's no exclusivity, and when you don't know someone well at all, to cut off all options is sort of silly. If you mean after the first month or two, yes I agree with you. In the first couple meets/dates tho you're still trying to find out basic information, and it's not a game to a lot of other people. When someone works well for you no one else will compare, however intially you have to make sure you're not jumping at the first person who shows interest.

You'll be able to focus on the person that works best for you no matter who else you're dating, so I don't agree that others distract you (unless you're sleeping with everyone, which I don't condone).

Unless you're the type of person that goes to a store and just buys the first thing someone suggests to you. Most people seem to put more time and energy and research into buying a car than dating these days.
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 41
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/5/2009 8:37:47 AM
You've had some good advice and interesting comments. I don't have a lot to add really, just one or two things to think about. I'd guess she is just 'seeing how it goes' at the moment and is not sure about you, but does like you. She probably isn't used to showing her interest or doesn't know how. If she comes from a puritanical family then she may not be used to normal signs of affection, touching, cuddling and so on and sees those as a sexual advance, so you'd tend to go from one extreme to the other. Also, I think you could have a conversation about dating and ask her how she normally shows her interest in someone. That could be quite revealing.
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 42
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Is this a game, or interest?
Posted: 7/5/2009 9:10:30 AM
Severin - First off you have received some great advice here - especially from mysteriosa

Granted I have only skimmed this, but you just entered this relationship, what you may interpret as "over the moon" may not be how she views things. From what you have described, clearly she likes you. She may be reserved and have a tough time sharing feelings, nothing wrong with that, alot of people are. You have to decide how that makes you feel - perhaps you are someone that wants to discuss everything, get it all out and then hash over it, once again, nothing wrong with that either.

I can identify with her, I am somewhat reserved, a big observer and listener...."Do I agree with what this person is saying? How do they interact with other people? How are they around my friends and their friends?"

Certainly sounds like you enjoy being with her...enjoy it!!! I think it is a little to early to decide exactly where the relationship is going
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