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 esorb
Joined: 6/19/2009
Msg: 33
casual sex or friends with benefitsPage 2 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
We are making a lot of assumptions. The young woman who raised this issue did not say who thinks it is wrong for a woman to indulge in fwb -- men or her fellow women. So the question of double standard has no basis here. The same people who discourage fwb for women will probably do the same for men. And as someone wisely asked: "how can a man be involved in fwb without a willing woman as a partner?" I see no double standard since both a man and a woman are in it together. I neither advocate nor condemn the practice. To each his own.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/2/2009 6:39:01 PM

I did not state that they were delusional for doing FWB, I spoke that they were delusional for trying to approach sex the same way men do.... Men and Women are not the same.... if they were gay marriages would be 66% or marriages... ( I know, I first thought 50%, then realised, 33% Gay, 33% lesbian, 33% hetero... follow my logic? if anyone sees it differently, let me know... LOL)

You are wrong about this. There are certain people of EITHER sex who are able to do this, and certain people OF EITHER SEX that cannot...this is not a gender thing, this is a personality thing.

While more men than women can compartmentalize sex and enjoy it independent of a relationship, and more women than men are more apt to want a relationship before sexual involvement there are people who are wired to do otherwise, of both genders.

Again, you are painting men as predators and women as victims. I have no idea why this mentality is a default for you or why it works for you personally, but it's just not the case.

I find it strange that women complain loud and long about men who practice indiscriminate sex, casual sex, lack of commitment, cheat, screw around and everything... then try to emulate them.... instead of raising men to their level, they end up down at their level... and call it a step forward....

Get the message that the women who complain are different women then the ones who you say "emulate" men - which of course is gender biased. Women who enjoy sex and don't need attachment do so so aren't trying to be men, nor are they being manipulated despite being in control of their own lives. They choose to do what they want and know the risks and consequences.

If you think a woman who knows she enjoys sex and doesn't find it to be a bad thing "ending up down at the level of men" then you have at least two major issues there that you may want to address about how you view men, women and sex. Just because in the past more men and women took the same path based on societal views and possible repercussions if they really did what they wanted, it doesn't mean people are now going against the grain.

All of it doesn't matter to you as long as you and those you date don't deal with it, so let it go.
 Bronc Rider
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 39
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 6:41:21 AM
I am an older guy, and I firmly believe in the "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander", philosophy. Woman have the same needs and desires as men, and I see nothing wrong with it.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 40
view profile
History
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:01:35 AM

mchurch: I guess I grew out of it....


all fine and dandy......since you admit you were perceiving women as nothing more than a fuk.

What myself, and alot of mature women have outgrown.....is the thought that we must conform to the notion that as long as we are in a committed relationship, whether it's a healthy relationship or not, only then can we have and enjoy sex.

I, for one, have deep respect and admiration for my FWB. As he does for me.
Neither one of us looks at the other as "just a fuk".
and you , nor anyone here, will ever succeed at making me think I have "lowered" myself because I can enjoy a very healthy sexual relationship without commitment.
I can tell you I respect myself alot more that I respect the women (or men) that are out there playing games and trying to exchange sex for a relationship.
 parklabrea
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:41:38 AM
I used to have a FWB relationship with myself but had to break it off when too many emotions came up. Now I'm just close personal friends with myself.
 deprivedlately
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 43
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 11:34:07 AM
I agree with you,i believe their is nothing wrong with it.Brian
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 3:28:10 PM

Most of the time that is how it works. Men will go to bars to look for women. Men go looking for women. How often do you and your girlfriends go to bars looking for men? Men will go week after week looking for women. It's very much like hunting. Men are more hunter oriented than you might think.

I never thought they weren't however I don't know what that has to do with the sexual dynamic of some men once they find certain women. To be honest the ones hunting are easy prey for a woman looking for the same thing, the target's way easier to trap.

Women don't usually hunt for men anywhere - that doesn't mean they don't enjoy sex. They may just enjoy sex that's not "strange". Doesn't make it necessary to marry someone to sleep with them.

He might feel that way. But so do many many other men. Society still has not accepted sexually free women. Women who try to play the game like men do still end up getting hurt. Why is that? Some women can compartmentalize sex like men do that is true. But it's still some not the majority, and not the norm. How he looks at men women and sex is actually the view of the majority of men. If you can fix that then go ahead.

First of all, you're repeating the same dynamic. "Women who try to play the game like men" suggests that women can't enjoy sex, that men only want sex, and that any of that is a game from either end. And I agree that for SOME freely sexual women are not accepted (such as yourself). However it doesn't mean that all feel that way, or that it matters how anyone feels when two consenting adults agree to do anything that doesn't concern anyone else.

Anyone who tries to play a game isn't going to win much - that's (AGAIN) not about gender, it's about personality and situation.

Yes, some women can compartmentalize sex, but not the majority of women. That's pretty much the same thing I said. For THOSE women, men can think what they want, but it's not going to serve em well. For women who can handle sex, there are men who get that and either go along with it or not.

The bottom line here (as usual) is that you should do what works for you and don't worry about everyone else, same as M Church, same as everyone else. You cannot possibly guess what others are doing you don't know anything about...not should you want to. It's just not relevant to you - only you are relevant to you, so keep an eye on that.
 atlboy09
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 45
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/3/2009 4:02:59 PM
It nothing wrong with it. I have friends who are that way. I respect them cause they are just keeping it real.
 ThatGamerDude121789
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 46
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 3:02:42 PM
There's nothing wrong with that, it depends on who you are as a person. Honestly if I met a girl who was like that I'd understand...but I don't like empty sex so to speak. Better than masturbation but still it makes me feel bad after wards.
 ByronHayes
Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 47
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:00:04 PM
Excuse me? Women are allowed to cheat way more often than men. When a woman cheats, lots of husbands forgive them... called cuckoldry.
 vapeninsula
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 48
view profile
History
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 5:31:28 PM
My question is, why do all the women I see here saying there's nothing wrong with FWB have "Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter" in their profile?
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 49
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:35:36 PM

My question is, why do all the women I see here saying there's nothing wrong with FWB have "Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter" in their profile?


1) There's a difference between thinking there's nothing wrong with FWB and wanting that sort of setup yourself.

2) There's a big difference between having a friendship where you add in a sexual component, and meeting someone for NSA. I have no interest in meeting some random guy off the internet for some random sex. I know my FWB, I know he cares for me, I know we'll stay friends, I trust him. I wouldn't be comfortable with him if we hadn't been friends first. He's not some random internet guy--he's my friend, and he likes me beyond the sex. FWB and "intimate encounter" are fundamentally different situations most of the time.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 50
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:40:12 PM

My question is, why do all the women I see here saying there's nothing wrong with FWB have "Must not be looking for Intimate Encounter" in their profile?
Because:

1. An FWB isn't an "encounter" with a stranger, it's an arrangement between two people who already know and trust each other. An FB/NSA is more likely to be some person you've only known one night (and may not want to know any longer than that)

2. More women than men tend to be more ok with arrangements if it's a case where they know someone, even if it's not an FWB. More men than women are ok with meeting a total stranger for sex and never seeing them again.

Maybe it's more available to women, so they can be more choosy. Maybe it's that women are more likely to go without sex if they don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe it's both. Who knows.
 MichaelInMV
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 51
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/5/2009 10:57:22 PM
Personally I find it difficult to just be casual about that. It can be done, but I think that once it becomes a regular thing emotions will start to grow. Those emotions can affect the friendship. I guess what I'm saying is, weigh it out and determine how much you value the friendship and you're will to risk it on moments of sheer pleasure.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 53
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/6/2009 1:51:12 AM
I cannot do it. The idea of having sex with any of my male friends makes me want to puke (not saying they are ugly freaking guys). I feel like they are my brothers, and it would just feel wrong to me. Some guys are meant to be just friends, and other guys are meant to be lovers. I will not blend the two together, and risk losing a lifelong friendship ( my closest male friend has known me since elementary school, so that is a 20 year friendship).

My male friends know this about me, and respect that boundary. They would never even think about suggesting a FWB relationship.

What they think inside their heads, stays inside their heads.
 OSUguy99
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 54
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/7/2009 2:21:31 AM
i dont think most women set it up like that. in their mind a fwb is different then a real friend. its just sounds better than some guy im f%%%%%g.
 professorL
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 55
view profile
History
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/7/2009 12:05:26 PM
Women are finally more open and responsible with their sexuality, they are now doing what men have done for centuries. Both folks need to be upfront and honest before they have sex. Too often folks gets emotionally involved give mixed messages causing problems. FWB(not golddigging) are becoming more the norm as with responsible casual sex.....
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 56
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 7/7/2009 1:43:50 PM
Why is it so wrong that a woman wants just that causual sex or friend with benefits.. we are all human and i just wonder thats all...

It's not wrong, but gal pals and family members will say otherwise, that's all. It's "wrong" because of the guilt-complex associated with sex that many women have to at least some degree. Add in the classic jealousy factor women can easily have with other women, and it worsens the pot. It's -actually- wrong when people lie or lead people on in order to get sex, not just because you're having it with someone in which there is no real foreseeable relationship.

It will feel to be "wrong" when a woman (or guy) thinks that by being intimate, it means commitment. They set their expectations high, and when the other person's not that interested, they think they were used, so they steer clear of anything casual altogether (after numerous situations).

Side note: When you're in the pre-dating phase (not a couple, but going out on first few dates), you ARE friends with benefits, at least very temporarily, if you're "fooling around". When people say "I dont want friends with benefits", what they mean is, "If we're starting to date, and we do get a little naughty, you BETTER be my boyfriend/girlfriend."

Classic friends with benefits means "we're not going to be a couple in any foreseeable future, but we will end up doing things at the end of the night that couples do do".

I always see classic problems with people who rightfully aren't ready for a relationship. They don't want to be JUST friends, but they don't to be boyfriend/girlfriend with anyone, but they don't want to be void of sexual relations the whole time, but they don't want friends with benefits either (and also obviously excluding random sex or booty calls too). Guess what? There IS no such thing. In those cases, they don't know what they want, and they can't complain if they get themselves in a FWB situation, because in the end, that IS the direction they'd be headed down.
 valleyguyaz
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 58
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/11/2010 5:36:08 PM
a woman can have a nsa or friends with benefits relationship and i don't consider her slutty for it.the old saying of whats good for the goose is good for the gander should apply equally.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 59
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/11/2010 10:07:11 PM
Most of my female friends and acquaintances think like you do...kudos for being honest!
I love empowered women.
 OpenItAndIFillIt
Joined: 6/10/2010
Msg: 60
view profile
History
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/15/2010 7:25:23 AM
This is because men are attracted to femininity in women. Multiple sexual encounters is masculine. Purity is feminine. So, women who have multiple sex partners are considered more manly and as a result are less attractive to men.

There are women who clearly have had sex with multiple men that are still attractive to men. This is because the other areas of the women are feminine and outweigh the masculinity of sexual experience.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 61
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/15/2010 9:17:05 AM
@m_church:

An empowered woman is one who can say "No" instead of "Yes" all the time...


An empowered woman is one who can say no when she means no, and yes when she means yes.

@openit:

This is because men are attracted to femininity in women. Multiple sexual encounters is masculine. Purity is feminine. So, women who have multiple sex partners are considered more manly and as a result are less attractive to men.


This idea came about due to the prevalence of slut-shaming in our culture. Women are just as sexual as men, and there are plenty of women who WANT multiple sexual partners. There's no gender determinism in all this; it's all about what individuals want in their lives, and how their individual sexuality functions.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 62
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/15/2010 10:02:49 AM
this reminds me of the scene in American pie where he wakes up after Michelle has had sex with him and left ...he says I've been used [pauses ] and says yea I BEEN USED!!!

once there was a place for casual sex in my life ..and at that time I admired the woman who knew what she wanted ...wait I still admire the woman who knows what she wants
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 63
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/15/2010 10:10:06 AM
At my age, if I can still have sex and an achieve an O...than I'd hope I'm with someone who is my friend first...but we share the benefit of liking each other enough to want to get naked and have sex....can't get any more casual than that (ie--in ya birthday suit).

I think if some people placed more emphasis on enjoying who they are with...and less time labeling every little facet of a relationship there would be more people having sex with the one they love---or at the very least LUST for a lot.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 64
casual sex or friends with benefits
Posted: 11/15/2010 12:38:01 PM
^^^Right! Empowered means they aren't bound by the chains of labels....if they want something , they go for it because they feel THEY have the power!

There is nothing at all masculine about a woman wanting sex!
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