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 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 117
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Justifying Cheating?Page 4 of 24    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

I wonder why these women who lost interest in sex with their husbands stayed in the relationship? Do these women also expect him not to cheat in that case? He shouldn't of course - he should leave or they should, but certainly they are contributing to the problem by staying.

It is possible because it was in my case, that they stay because they honestly want to work through problems and have a healthy relationship, i.e. to live up to their marriage vows. Problem with that is that both parties need to recognize that there is a problem and do something about it. Some partners don't allow you to do that, any type of discussion devolves into a diatribe of all of the wrongs of the relationship rather than working through whatever problem is on the menu.

It is also not that easy to walk away and declare something beyond fixing when there are children involved. It is also difficult to determine how much worse one must live with before throwing in the towel. I think when either party gets to the point that they see no hope they do leave.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 120
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/5/2009 6:55:26 AM
packagedeal, I do understand what you're saying. However, it assumes that both people are willing to put in the work needed, and if that's not the case, it sounds like you're staying because leaving is hard. (Giving up all hope is hard - I know, I've been there and deluded myself for years that she would make some effort to change things.) And that's why some people cheat - it's easier that leaving, it preserves what they see as the good parts of the relationship, and they hope they'll get away with the cheating (some do, so many think the risk is worthwhile). I didn't resort to cheating, but I did stay longer than I should have.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 122
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/5/2009 7:47:00 AM


It's a difficult position to be in. Morally you know it's wrong. The idea of marriage is that you have a best friend, soul mate, intimate lover, etc, etc to rely on in your life. What happens when one of them decides not to be intimate any more? This is my situation at the moment. I have tried many times and many different ideas. We've done counselling to no avail. I am here because we have 2 beautiful children together that I cannot fathom to be apart from as they are my life. Because I am in this less than ideal situation and I have a partner that refuses to be intimate with me does that mean I should live a life without any intimacy?

Cheating is wrong morally.
Withholding sex and intimacy is wrong morally.
What's commonly suggested here is that there's 'a pass' or something 'less moral' for those who choose not to remain intimate; and no pass for those who choose to take the intimacy out of the marriage. Both in these instances are equally morally wrong.
Marriage insists that you are everything to each other forever - it's that simple and that difficult. Marriage is not easy because you cannot and will not feel the same over time; so how you get to have a successful longstanding marriage from that place of bliss where you started out is the challenge...and a tremendous one at that. I failed in my marriage by not honoring the terms of the contract in my marriage. Any resultant action on the part of my ex was as a result immoral to our marriage but no more than my own role. jmo

on edit

Revisiting the commitment is the bridge back when things are sparse and scarce between you. The commitment is the one thing that doesn't change in marriage. Revisit the commitment until you can find your way back to each other on the terms that you agreed to or separate. Otherwise for those that can't fulfill the terms of intimacy, but still want the confines, supports and appearances of marriage...the underlying should be dispatched to the other... as long as you're discreet..I don't want to know... This is in my mind is brokering and reworking a new understanding about the commitment to their marriage in light of the abdication of one from their obligations, until they can reach a time where separation is more likely.

 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 124
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 7:46:37 AM
Why are u not leaving? the kids? u cant have them taken away from you, its called court..


in what world are you living in ...I know many cases where the kids have been took away from their father ..and many more where they have been lied to and turned against their father

this all depends on what kind of lies the mother is willing to tell ...she only has to insinuate that he is abusive or perverted and there goes his parental rights

i herd a friends ex tell him one time ..If you dont pay for my car i will tell them you touched your daughter in ways you should not ...he paid for her car..and it will probably work next time she cant pay for something she bought

in court the whimpering, sobbing, poor little mistreated ex wife ..will lie her ass off ,and the good father ex hubby will be lucky if he dont go to jail ...seen it a hundred times
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 125
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 2:21:57 PM
Sweetest,
Bingo!!! I am proud that this thread has finally shown that there are a number of people that UNDERSTAND some instances of cheating.....never justify.
Like you mentioned, sometimes is a matter of timing. As long as the spouses are discreet and /or they tell each other...if you do, I don't want to know.

Yes closing the bedroom is a breach of the agreement. Sometimes if is due to health reasons, then its different. It is not by choice, but the spouse still might need to find physical relationship outside.
 eastendwoman
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 127
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 5:22:59 PM
Those kind of men are conflicted about what is really important in life. If the marriage is dead and there is no intimacy, then it's dead. It's time to move on. However, they're so
caught up in the monetary possession, they take the lazy way around it and cheat. They don't have their priorities straight and would only give a new woman on the scene a reason to become unhappy. If he's got a real 'pair of balls' he'd leave his wife, take his lumps, and move onto a new and honest relationship.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 128
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 5:33:54 PM
Even I can understand cheating in some cases....I totally agree with you...
They are just to afraid that they either love their wife or scare the wife will take 1/2 of the almighty possessions. The real way would be to divorce if i is so unbearable and make himself and another woman happy. Over and over again.
 pgc07
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 129
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:16:17 PM
I guess I would have to say I was an enabler...I found out my bf was cheating (is it considered cheating if you are only dating for a couple of years?), he was not just cheating with one woman but with several, all of whom loved him or thought very highly of him (of course they did not know he was cheating on them too) and I tried to pretend it didn't matter, it was just for the sex or whatever it is guys cheat for was my reasoning.

So I am glad to hear that possibly it is something the cheater can get past. Maybe it is just a matter of that person finding the one person he really loves and wants to be faithful to.

So maybe the question should be, "is it really cheating or is the cheater just not with the person who fulfills his needs or makes him happy and he/she doesn't know how to get out of a bad situation"?
 seekinbarrie
Joined: 10/12/2007
Msg: 130
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 6:27:36 PM
Justifying Cheating? Good luck with that...a good lawyer could try; however, what is legally correct is not necessarily morally correct.

I can understand why somebody might engage in cheating...I just can't relate to the emotional deceit and devastation of 'how' one could do this. I guess you'd have to be in a certain mindset?

In the context of one's intent, and on the basis of morality...the party that is/was cheating will know that they have done wrong. Justifying such an action is merely an Egotistic method to partially remove their blame. In this case, 'Justificaton' is somewhat pointless.

Peace.
 pathwalker49
Joined: 4/6/2008
Msg: 133
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/6/2009 11:19:02 PM
Not sure what it is for everyone but I just recently met a great woman and life was all I hoped for. Now since we are together, and committed, I spend evenings with her feeling so alone and ignored that I feel more alone than before i had someone. I suppose that could easily trigger a person to find someone to enjoy some time with.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 134
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 1:49:14 AM
Honeyangel and others are right; wrong is wrong and cheating is wrong. We live in a society where governments, presidents, senators, and people in relationships, are constantly doing the wrong thing blaming others for their lack of character and judgment.

Man up; if you cheat you are wrong. Selling out because of money? how pathetic.

There is not justification for cheating. It's dysfunctional, irresponsible, and devoid of mature self control. Losers cheat.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 135
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 5:37:28 AM
Bang on.

Men don't get it, when we, as women aren't connected emotionally, we cannot connect sexually. Not sure about men connecting sexually leading to emotional connecting as I don't think that' the case.

I have never strayed, ever, and I recall my last 4 yr relationship where everything began breaking down, we dint talk, etc, I was sleepin on couch as I was mad, etc, he had asked me one night to come back to bed...I thought it was cuz he missed the closeness..No sooner am I in the bed and he's groping me. Blah, made me ill, I told him to get off me and went back to the couch.


to a guy sex is part of the closeness ...You probably accepted this when you were in love with him

what Im getting from this .... woman cant stand the lazy arrogant SOB any more and are sickened by the thought of him entering her body ...then he cheats ...and it is that cheating that has tore her insides out ..he has destroyed her trust ... and taken what was hers else where
forget thr fact that by her own admission she didnt want it any more ..if she cant stand the thought of him inside her why the hell does she care if he is inside someone who wants him there ...what im seeing is it is ...possessions children's possessions.. I dont want my old toys any more but you cant play with them because they are mine ...they can set in the sand box and rust away but you better not touch them
if the marriage is over why does his cheating hurt her ??? I'm not condoning cheating ..but submitting that in most cases like the ones being discussed here ..that cheating where the intimacy of marriage is already gone ...is not a sin against the marriage ..is not a sin against the spouse ... but is only a sin against the moral fiber of the cheater ..by her own admission the marriage intimacy is gone ...so he is not cheating ..hurting or ending the marriage ...the only thing he is compromising is his morals ...something she says he has none of ...maybe he has heard how sorry he is till he believes it ...so why not cheat ???
I think in their own way both men and women make many attempts to fix a broken marriage before it is too late ...( he ask her to come back to the marriage bed ...she misinterprets his wanting intimacy as ,him being selfish )( she offers an olive branch and wants to talk their problems out and... he interprets it as nagging ) why ?
ANGER the answer is to learn to lay down anger ...when they were dating she interpreted his sexual advances as ..Gosh he is so into me ... now its ...all he wants is to satisfy his needs...well Im telling you ladies I dont care what kind of SOB he is ...when he completely stops caring for you he will not want to shag you ...thats how a guy knows he is finally over the Ex when he cant stand the thought of having sex with her
...he does the same with her attempts at reconciliation... why cant we just lay down the anger and look hard for the other side ... seeing the other side of an argument becomes easier the more you try it( we have seen it in this thread people who cannot justify cheating are beginning to say that in some circumstances they can understand why someone did it ) these are the people who are learning to lay down their anger
..but also finding something to get pissed about becomes easier the more you do it ( these are the people that still want to get even )


Men don't get it,


i submit that women dontget it any more than men do

women if you only learn one thing .... for men sex in a relationship is love ...for women sex is because of love ...a woman can still love a guy but not want to have sex with him if she is mad at him .
.. if a guy loves a woman ...he wants to have sex with her, period ..dont matter how pissed he is at her
if you take away sex from your guy he thinks the love is gone, period ..if you say NO and dont give a reason ..he feels unloved ,period
the same way you feel when you ask him to help around the house and he dont
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 136
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:53:05 AM


Bang on.
Men don't get it, when we, as women aren't connected emotionally, we cannot connect sexually. Not sure about men connecting sexually leading to emotional connecting as I don't think that' the case.

I have never strayed, ever, and I recall my last 4 yr relationship where everything began breaking down, we dint talk, etc, I was sleepin on couch as I was mad, etc, he had asked me one night to come back to bed...I thought it was cuz he missed the closeness..No sooner am I in the bed and he's groping me. Blah, made me ill, I told him to get off me and went back to the couch.


to a guy sex is part of the closeness ...You probably accepted this when you were in love with him

what Im getting from this .... woman cant stand the lazy arrogant SOB any more and are sickened by the thought of him entering her body ...

then he cheats ...and it is that cheating that has tore her insides out ..he has destroyed her trust ... and taken what was hers else where forget thr fact that by her own admission she didnt want it any more ..if she cant stand the thought of him inside her why the hell does she care if he is inside someone who wants him there ...what im seeing is it is ...possessions children's possessions.. I dont want my old toys any more but you cant play with them because they are mine ...they can set in the sand box and rust away but you better not touch them

^^^good point....and if the couple is determined to stay within the marriage and have no sex between them...the nuts and bolts around bringing sex back individually to each needs to be the discussion. Women/men cannot unilaterally expect to make a huge breach in the terms of their marriage and not expect something else to rise up to take the place of what was, whether that is cheating or a reworking and a new understanding around the marriage from where it is now...given the breach, or separation.

I think in their own way both men and women make many attempts to fix a broken marriage before it is too late ...( he ask her to come back to the marriage bed ...she misinterprets his wanting intimacy as ,him being selfish )( she offers an olive branch and wants to talk their problems out and... he interprets it as nagging ) why ?

^^^It's an impasse because there are two different approaches at work here...for the woman to be open to sexual advances...the communication...the talking must happen first. For the man...talking is superfluous...it's the connection and closeness through sex that he uses to communicate. Sex does have the power to bring them back...to heal...but when you're hurting and not trusting...the advance of sex can seem appallingly inappropriate and communication can just die right there.

ANGER the answer is to learn to lay down anger ...when they were dating she interpreted his sexual advances as ..Gosh he is so into me ... now its ...all he wants is to satisfy his needs...well Im telling you ladies I dont care what kind of SOB he is ...when he completely stops caring for you he will not want to shag you ...thats how a guy knows he is finally over the Ex when he cant stand the thought of having sex with her
...he does the same with her attempts at reconciliation... why cant we just lay down the anger and look hard for the other side ... seeing the other side of an argument becomes easier the more you try it( we have seen it in this thread people who cannot justify cheating are beginning to say that in some circumstances they can understand why someone did it ) these are the people who are learning to lay down their anger

^^^This is true. Count me as one of those who has learned the hard way the wisdom of being able to lay down the anger. I'm not justifying cheating. I've never cheated on anyone...but I've been cheated on. In my relationship I felt at the time that I owned the corner on being hurt on being the most devastated---I was wrong. The other was equally as hurt and tried everything he could....we both had different ways to deal with what wasn't working and both of these ways moved us away from each other---our communication efforts hopelessly failing us.... I also know that my role in what happened was just as damning as his...even though he was the cheater...I was just a guilty---that's how I see it.

Since all that I don't go through life feeling like a victim because I was cheated on, nor do I have pessimism as an underlying current that I bring to other relationships. The biggest takeaway that I found from all of that was that stopping sex stops communication---I stupidly thought communication was really only about talking...it's not. Sex is the communication that goes beyond words. Sex is the glue...the healer. In marriage...or a relationship..if it's denied it shuts down 50% of the communicating and the healing. good post deerdog.

as always...jmo.


 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 137
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 9:45:03 AM

Please keep in mind I am one who can see justification for sex outside a committed relationship, but that statement makes absolutely no sense to me. Men don't love hookers. Hookers are a paid receptacle. Men have sex with hookers. See how illogical the statement becomes by following that thinking process?

There are many men who either have very low sex drives or have medical reasons for not having sex, but that doesn't mean they don't love their partners.


I never said that a guy had to be in love to have sex ...but that is what women want us to think is that they have to be in love to have sex ...something we know is not true either...but if a guy does love a woman he will want to have sex with her ...actually about the only woman a guy will not want at all is the woman who has hurt him to the point he cant stand the thought of having sex with.... a guy or woman can have sex with someone they dont love or are mad at ...and women who really want to heal their marriage would be advised to try it ...there are a lot of things the man who wants to save his marriage should do also but thats for another topic


There are many men who either have very low sex drives or have medical reasons for not having sex, but that doesn't mean they don't love their partners.


again not what I said ... a man in love wants to have sex with the woman he is in love with ,period..even if physical or medical ..situations dont allow it ...ask the makers and sellers of Viagra and other male sexual aids ...guys spend millions to make their bodies do what their minds want ..have sex with thene they love ..or a reasonable facsimile


f a guy loves a woman ...he wants to have sex with her, period



but that statement makes absolutely no sense to me.


just because there are exceptions or variations to a rule dont make the rule not make sense
 radikal1
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 138
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 11:28:02 AM
Marriage is hard. People choose after awhile to stop working on it. (Many times in just a few years). I've been doing research about this for a novel I'm currently working on is about a adultery. And it's funny but now adultery among women is skyrocketing. While men "stay for the money", women don't because in many cases they know they will get the upper hand in the divorce if the man isn't smart. Many times men are blindsided when a woman just decides to up and walk out. (Many times the women are cheating at this point but aren't found out until after the fact).

The breakdown goes like this:

1. Women want marriage and push for marriage. (Some want a wedding, not particularly a husband and don’t have the slightest idea what it means to be married in my opinion).

2. They get married, and see that's it's hard work and not just good feelings.

3. Eventually they lose interest in sex as it becomes common between the two partners.

4. They’re drawn to someone else

5. Many times they eventually start cheating

6. They become angry and resentful

7. They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around them miserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages. Currently, women are initiating 70 - 75% of all divorces.

A lot of men go through the same stages but a lot of times with men it's simple lack of moral fiber. Even in a happy marriage a man with poor morals will simply give in to a woman who says, "Hey I'll open my legs for you." and he simply says wow, sounds good." To him it feels good to be chased (just like it does for a woman).

This of course is if he himself isn't doing the chasing, therefore being validated and feeling powerful because he can get this woman. It's part self esteem issue and part simply just being an a$$hole. The "I stay because I'll lose everything." issue is BS also. That's an excuse used to make the person feel trapped and at the same time give them reason to harbor resentment toward the other party. You'd be surprised what goes on in the crazy mind of a cheater.

-Nate
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 140
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:30:57 PM
I am Ginny you've got to be kidding; you and the other cheater are helping eachother? LOL;

I often see addicts tell eachother the same thing; It's called lacking a conscious. Some people dont know or dont care what is right and wrong; they just get what they want.

Women constantly choose poor partners then cheat or play the victim card.

Using your "logic"; and I use that term very loosely; all men that get rejected by their spouse should go to a hooker because it's 100% guarantee they wont be rejected! It validates them; LOL; that is one of the most ridiculous statements I've ever heard.

Most insecure people go to sex, drugs or alcohol. They validate their feelings instead of dealing with their situations and how insecure they are.

Some people get comforted by doing drugs; some by alcohol; some with promiscuous behavior; that doesn't mean it's good comfort.

And no you will not always be friends. When you cheat and get into situations like this, a train wreck and bad karma are to follow. The foundation is insecurity, poor character, immoral and poor judgement. You dont build friendships that way.

Instead of taking care of what you are in, then you play the victim card to justify sleazy activity.

Of course he tells you that you are helping. he wants to screw someone! lol; I've heard addicts say the same thing.

You can float on a cloud and act like all the world is good and there are cute pink stars in the sky but I deal with adult reality. For you to say it's all good says a lot.

It's scary to know that there are people that can go through life justifying their immoral actions that are selfish and devoid of character. What goes around comes around and selfish people ALWAYS get theirs in the end.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 141
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:41:20 PM
There is no justification for cheating, only gratification.
 gracengracie
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 142
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:48:51 PM
mthomjmark

^^^ I think you need to checkup some reality for an Average Joe or Jane, not for Ken or Barbie.

Very easy easy to preach moral based on ideal way life should go.

I respect very much your opinion. I used to think even more stricter than you do, and was way more inflexible. Life and falls...have changed me. I don't hurt anyone, but I need to take care of myself, since no one else will do it.

What comes around goes around...you are so right. But also when people harm you, good will come back to you.
 radikal1
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 143
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/7/2009 8:02:38 PM

Very easy easy to preach moral based on ideal way life should go.


The whole idea of morals is that you live by them even when it hard. This is WHY people cheat. When it gets hard they don't live by their morals, they cheat.


...Life and falls...have changed me. I don't hurt anyone, but I need to take care of myself, since no one else will do it.


Morals shouldn't change because life does, otherwise everyone would be a liar and cheater. (It is pretty popular now to be one).

-Nate
 UrbanFlavour
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 145
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:51:19 AM
You ask why men get burned so badly having to pay alimoney and child support.

Well .. let me count the ways.

There is an actual formula the courts use which indicate how far a man would be in his career, how much money he would earn, how much he would save in personal savings, and how much he would have had to pay .. if he had been a single father since the birth of the children.

You see marriage is not just one at home and the other making money --- its a COMBINED EFFORT OF TWO PEOPLE who are investing in homes, businesses, and children.

If one of the two sacrifices the possibility of building their own business portfolio for example, to stay home and protect the investment they both have made in the house and the children - that leaves the other free to earn, advance in career, etc. The one who chose to stay home will never get those years back in terms of career, resume, employment history, years of seniority on a job etc --- so what then. Is he or she supposed to then begin earning minimum wage at an entry level position and continue living in the same family home with the children because the marriage is over?

Of course every case is different - and I think both people should always do what they can to keep themselves in the income loop if they can - as individuals.

I also think if the man keeps the kids he can have the house and the child support. If she keeps the kids she should have the house and the child support. It all goes toward enhancing the quality of the childrens lives in my mind.

Time and time again I have heard about all these men who lost everything in a divorce - now Im not saying it doesnt happen but I have never met a woman who had everything after a divorce .. where do they all go???

Similarly - there are more and more women walking out and leaving their children behind - because they dont want to be labelled as a single mother and struggle for the next 20 years begging for scraps from a guy who had no problem wetting his wick when the children were being conceived. They dont want to be the one to worry about childcare and taking days off work when they are trying to build a career because the kids are sick. They dont want to have to take time off because of parent teacher meetings, and daycare closures, and what not. They dont want to have to foot the bill for a three bedroom house when they only need a one bedroom condo downtown. They dont want to have to spend every evening doing homework, and cooking and sewing and teaching and entertaining children when they could be at the gym, having a****ail with the company heads, or showering for a hot date at 7pm. They dont want to have to get up in the middle of the night and look like crap in the morning because of no sleep for a child who had a bad dream, they want to be able to have loud earth shattering sex in their own bedroom and not have to seek out a hotel because kids are in all the rooms of the house - they dont want to worry about what they wear, what they say, how they live - they want to be free. And are realizing that if they had to pay 1500 a month in child support - its peanuts for all that freedom.

I choose my children - because with or without a dad, child support, or even a house - they are my family, and I love them. I dont care about sacrifice, its those sacrifices I believe I was put here to make and I couldnt do anything but see to them every day for as long as I have life, or till they move on in their own lives and have no use for me anymore (lol).

I never feel sorry for ANY parent who has to contribute to the financial upbringing of his/her child. Money is just the small part - kids are more taxing emotionally, physically, and practically then they ever could be financially. The money never replaces the existance of a positive parent - it only serves to enhance their quality of life.

More then enuff said.
 UrbanFlavour
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 146
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:55:24 AM
Oh yeah - this was mainly about cheating ....

Nope .. there is never a justifiable excuse for cheating.

Lots of people have many different problems in marriage/relationships - to me .. lies and deception can never be part of the solution.

All I have to say about that.

Great thread.
 iPlenty
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 147
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History
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 3:13:19 AM
Cheating cannot be justified at any cost and as we all know honesty is fundamental principle that holds any relationship. When that flies out of the window then that is not a relationship. With that contained in the hearts of both parties things can never be the same again well that is in the world I know of. It hurts and it haunts to the cheated and that that cheats respectively. Of what benefit will I keep a person who is cheating? That he/she will bring food to the table or put cloths on my back? That is all bullshit. You don’t sacrifice your dignity with someone who can’t hesitate to tear it down at any time. To whoever accepts it, I am referring to the cheated that is self betrayal. The sooner you walk out when you learn that you are cheated you gain respect both to yourself and the other and that is more important than any possession you can think of.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 148
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 4:47:44 AM
when he completely stops caring for you he will not want to shag you ...thats how a guy knows he is finally over the Ex when he cant stand the thought of having sex with her
...he does the same with her attempts at reconciliation...


well i cannot agree with this because it's wrong. ever heard of first date sex?? well obviously the guy does NOT care about the women and vice versa so why do they have sex then?? probably because both are horny and it's purely lust. you cannot care or love someone the first time you meet them, that's just impossible.



Idont get it you people read what you want to hear ...again I never said a man had to be in love to want to shag a woman ..Christ!!! a guy dont even have to care about a woman to want some of it ..but its a pretty sure bet that if he has been in a relationship with her and has lost all feelings for her he wont even want the nookie ... there are exceptions ..some men will tap anything even a woman that he hates ..I have been mis quoted twice in the last few posts while others have quoted exactly what i said ??????


I agree you cant justify cheating..... however
its easy for all you moral people to say there is no reason to cheat ... but when people have been made feel worthless for so long its easy to act worthless .... lets not blanket condemn until we have walked in their moccasins.... we can say there is no reason for suicide ..but for some it becomes very logical ( I had an old childhood friend slash her wrist last week ..she lived about a mile from me and we had went our separate ways ... still friends but no longer in each others close circle ...but she seemed the most happy person ... (I will always wonder what went wrong )( I will always wish I had made the effort to stay closer ) I will always wonder if I could have made a difference )
I have seen very few relationships fail where there were not two sides to a story ..where just one party was at fault ..including my own relationships !!!
there are very few serial cheaters ..if your spouse cheats odds are you had a part in their decision to cheat ..my first wife cheated and looking back after i took off the blinders of anger ... i know she is a good person and did not enter our marriage with the intention of cheating ...so I have to agree with the poster who said that most cheating is the symptom of a already bad marriage
people : please lay down your anger ..take off the blinders and see your failed marriages for what the are ..and then allow yourself to heal and do things differently next time ...stop dwelling on how you were done wrong what he/she did will be adjudicated by his/her karma ..ask yourself ...what did I do wrong ???? and vow not to repeat it ..or karma will bite you again

all cheaters are not bottom feeders by nature ...when you are pushed to the bottom enough you will begin to feed there
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 150
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Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 5:07:25 AM

Similarly - there are more and more women walking out and leaving their children behind - because they dont want to be labelled as a single mother and struggle for the next 20 years begging for scraps from a guy who had no problem wetting his wick when the children were being conceived. They dont want to be the one to worry about childcare and taking days off work when they are trying to build a career because the kids are sick. They dont want to have to take time off because of parent teacher meetings, and daycare closures, and what not. They dont want to have to foot the bill for a three bedroom house when they only need a one bedroom condo downtown. They dont want to have to spend every evening doing homework, and cooking and sewing and teaching and entertaining children when they could be at the gym, having a****ail with the company heads, or showering for a hot date at 7pm. They dont want to have to get up in the middle of the night and look like crap in the morning because of no sleep for a child who had a bad dream, they want to be able to have loud earth shattering sex in their own bedroom and not have to seek out a hotel because kids are in all the rooms of the house - they dont want to worry about what they wear, what they say, how they live - they want to be free. And are realizing that if they had to pay 1500 a month in child support - its peanuts for all that freedom.

The label 'single mother' seems to wear a lot better than the label for those more preoccupied for doing the above. Surprisingly, I've never met any women or a parent who has done this.

It's scary to know that there are people that can go through life justifying their immoral actions that are selfish and devoid of character. What goes around comes around and selfish people ALWAYS get theirs in the end.

^^^mthomjmark, your position is well-noted throughout...but I ask of you what is there a moral role for the other spouse as well? Before cheating on a spouse begins...can a husband or wife (that will not be the cheater) act in an immoral way to precipitate the cheating or immorality in the other?

Very easy easy to preach moral based on ideal way life should go.

In my experience, I've known met women who have been as staunchly firm on holding that line...until it's put to the test in their marriage. These are women that are long-standing in monogamous 20-35-year marriages...where the husband (the other) has reached an impasse in his development in their opinion and has entered mid-life crisis and is cramp and 'old' all of a sudden...is and completely uninterested in her for years now...all of this can be flipped for a man...but I'm referencing people that I know.

These are hard-working women that give selflessly in marriage, family and community...they go to church on Sunday regularly are intimately familiar with morality...yet when they sit and quietly lament the state of their marriage...and their alternatives within something failing for years now and are now looking at ways to move forward or dealing with it in the way it---this rumination invariably includes an exploration into being with someone else while married.

When this was broached to me the first time I was stunned---shock and horror actually was my response...with another friend at a similar juncture...I finally understood. Its for reasons like this that I cannot judge people and their circumstance. Things change...and yes, for some they believe that this rigid application of morality needs to be applied for life...but what happens if your best friend, your married daughter or son with their young family in crisis mid 30's, or your father or mother reveal a shoddy adherence in something that you taught them---something that you believed in them as your own name. Where do you go then? Tolerance is best.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 154
Justifying Cheating?
Posted: 7/8/2009 9:59:26 AM

A good example; I am an athieist. I respect other people's beliefs and don't discuss mine as a general rule because there are religeous people who feel that my atheism is somehow an attack and damger to them. I don't believe Christian values are the exclusive perview of the avowed.


A good example; I am a christian. I respect other people's beliefs and don't discuss mine as a general rule because there are non religious people who feel that my religion is somehow an attack and danger to them. I don't believe lack of Christian values are the exclusive preview of the avowed.


Ginny we are polar opposite ..yet we are so much alike ...your affirmation of your lack of religion is my exact affirmation of my religion ...all i did is correct the spelling...sorry i could not resist ...its easy to see Genny you have the same spelling problem as I do you reverse the order of letters in a word ...i just have a great spell checker

and i am the one that said..walk in their moccasins before you judge

you see there are religious people that stand on the principal ..do not judge ...and there are religious people that believe that others are doing the best they can under their circumstance ... and there are religious people that dont push their beliefs on others .....and there are religious people that want to be friends with all kinds of people ..yes even atheist


sorry you brought in religion like it had anything to do with this topic
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